Bait and discard

[hotncold]

It's been almost five years since I met him - three years since it's been over. We were low contact recently, he tried to recycle while he was with his replacement. I turned him down, he got mad, and did the discard. I went traveling, he wrote to me and I waited till I got back to write to him only to hear that he doesn't remember texting- maybe he was drunk? - and sorry it won't happen again, all the while he was active on my social media stuff as well. He rubbed the replacement in my face and I essentially called him out on all sorts of bull___ and then he stopped answering my texts. I have a feeling he's transferring some kind of yucky feelings on to me and I don't understand how it is that I keep taking the bait and accepting this crap. I always think I'm strong, and over it but then this kind of thing happens and it puts me out of my mind. I can't think straight for hours. I finally ended by saying I don't deserve the treatment and blocked him on every single social media site, and his number has been registered as spam on my phone (I don't know how to block exactly but I suppose that is the closest it has happened). I guess it's not so much the texting and social media activity that is bothersome, but rather his refusal to take responsibility and own that behaviour is what to me amounts to a form of harassment and so he's been blocked. I have never done this so completely. In the past when I did it, I regretted it. However I have not checked his social media in over a year (I had simply unsubscribed) but the fact that he obviously has been looking at my activity and reacting to it while also being unable to fully own up to what he's up to (baiting me) means I don't want contact with him anymore. The pattern between us remains unchanged and I know it will remain this way and I'm finally done with it. Still - I am disappointed in myself for knowing where this was headed and still thinking it might have been something different, something real. I took the bait, I got discarded and it affected me. I saw red for about 3 or 4 hours - it puts me in a state where I am completely beside myself. I've been discarded so many times - it's like I need to keep reliving this until it no longer matters to me. But he pulls me in. Pretends like he cares about something and then "bang" he pulls the plug. Sigh. I think I'm relieved that I finally did the full block. I'm real, he's not - it's not an equal struggle. He gets me every time.

[Lucky Jim]

I've been discarded so many times - it's like I need to keep reliving this until it no longer matters to me. But he pulls me in. Pretends like he cares about something and then "bang" he pulls the plug.

Hey hotncold, Why do you think you keep falling, over and over, for the bait & discard routine?  From what you are saying, your romantic r/s ended three years ago, yet you continue to jump in whenever he throws a few crumbs your way.  Why do you think you keep repeating this pattern?  Presumably because on some level it's familiar to you, and predictable, right?  Maybe you get something out of it?

LuckyJim

[hotncold]

Good question LuckyJim. I honestly don't know. I think I still nurture a hope that he can be real. That the crumbs he offers are finally going to be more than that. That I want to allow for change, for something different. Familiar yes, predictable yes. So why do I get so affected by it? I think in a way I have been seeking validation for the feelings I had for him, from him. I guess I wanted a recognition that what there was between us was special and unique - as it had been for me. Intellectually, I can understand now that special and unique doesn't really exist for him, or if it does, he is not capable of valuing it. But I think emotionally I have a desire for that to be validated. Instead he is actually valuing (or pretending to value) certain aspects of me, and our past relationship in the replacement which is a double hit. It says: "look, I do value... .but not YOU. You are nothing." It is a continued denial on his part of my experience, and my existence. This is a dynamic that exists in my FOO. My existence, and experience, was frequently completely denied by both my parents.
Why do pwBPD have to annihilate the existence of others? And why does it continue to affect me so strongly? It's clearly a trauma point for me. Can we grow out of these trauma (trigger) points? I think being in touch with him is a way for me to test myself - to see if he still has the pull, the capacity to upset me - and everytime, it is confirmed. He does. I don't know, I secretly wish I were super hero who could take all these hits and shrug them off. But I can't. I disappoint myself when I can't.

[roberto516]

Why do pwBPD have to annihilate the existence of others? And why does it continue to affect me so strongly?

It's a drug. So there's the withdrawal. It's always locked into our brains. The good times, The dopamine. It's why it makes it so hard and also traumatizing.

To the best of my knowledge. Our existence is annihalated because it's two fold. One, we attach so deeply. Like I said, it becomes something our brain thinks it needs. To lose that is devastating. Second, a trait of this personality is to take, take, take, take until there is nothing left. So we are then broken emotionally, and yet our brain still wants what it thought was so great.

It stinks. We aren't victims. We allowed it. But I don't think any of us saw the warning signs early on. Anyway, just my two cents.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, HnC, Now you're getting somewhere:

This is a dynamic that exists in my FOO. My existence, and experience, was frequently completely denied by both my parents.

You hit the nail on the head and have identified the familiar dynamic.  Presumably you are still trying to re-enact/resolve this issue through your BPD Ex, which seems unlikely.  Don't expect him to own up to anything.  Put you energy where your power is, i.e., in the things you can change (usually, just yourself).  Consult the Serenity Prayer as needed.

Having acknowledged the pattern, you are in a position to change it, which is a great place to be.

LuckyJim

[hotncold]

Thank you LuckyJim for these very helpful words. I will certainly consult the serenity prayer. I have been examining my patterns for a while so I feel disappointed with myself when I end up reacting the same way to these situations. I actually had told the BPDex several times that I have extreme difficulty with his frequent discards and it seems that it's a button he keeps pushing with me - I suppose it's a way for him to gain power over me? Put me in a situation of weakness? Intellectually, I know that I won't be resolving anything with him, but emotionally I feel so confused with myself and the feelings I have around him.

I suppose the things I need to be changing from this is first to stop seeking validation from the BPDex who won't give it to me (it probably gives him a the power trip whenever I give him that chance to reject me all over again).

The second step is I must seek my validation in places where I can find it.

I hope that I will have the strength to not revert to the pattern of seeking validation from him. For one thing, having blocked him on all social media I think is a really good step. I also don't feel the urge to connect with him. I feel really good about my last words to him: I deserve better. They are the best words I could ever hope to end this type of dysfunctional contact with. The other thing that is a change I am noticing is that I don't feel sorry for him anymore. I think his level of cruelty has reached levels where I simply can no longer feel sympathy for him. I always felt bad cutting him off, getting angry and whatnot because he once told me he was BPD... .but perhaps I was projecting onto him my own fear of being discarded and therefore couldn't bring myself to really cut off contact with him. Maybe deep down I also thought that he really did love me but was too messed up to show it.

I do tend to seek validation in the wrong places - from people who play power games and will not give me validation. Perhaps I need to work at better identifying these situations earlier on. And work at giving myself my own validation.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HnC,  Don't beat yourself up!  It's OK to feel disappointed and/or confused.  No, I doubt you will resolve anything with your Ex.  You know the discard button that he keeps pushing, so you have the ability to decline to react the next time he tries to lure you back in. 

Agree with point #1.  Pointless to seek validation from him.

Regarding point #2, I would suggest that, ideally, the goal is to source one's validity and worth from within, rather than looking to other people to make you feel complete.  The latter is bound to lead to disappointment because we can't control others.  I would argue that you already are worthy and whole just the way you are, and you have always been so.  It starts, I suggest, with learning to love and accept oneself.  We are all "works-in-progress"!

Hang in there,
LJ

[hotncold]

Thanks lucky jim. I think its just the BPD ex really lets a lot of time lag before he throws me crumbs. Discards have lasted up to 8 months so i feel like i let my guard down and always hope for the best when he is back in touch ie somehow we can get closer without things blowing up between us. More recently he was really active around some of my social media stuff which was really unusual. We have never had anything to do with eachother when it comes to social media. To be honest it felt kind of nice - like maybe we were inching a little bit closer to eachother and i think this is where the crumbs were and then the discard. He will no longer be able to give me crumbs this way since ive blocked him on most accounts. Its a shame and its baffling that any kind of coming closer, even as superficial as social media causes these reactions between us. I think social media has been detrimental to my detaching from him or him me. I have caught myself posting things hoping he would read them and when i look at his social media some of it really seems to mirror some of what ive posted or respond to it so there is a kind of weird dialogue and you wonder if its all in your head until he starts interacting with what i'm posting... .I think blocking on social media was the rright approach. I'm sad that things are just so completely inpossible between us but i guess this might be something i simply have to accept.

[hotncold]

Today I am feeling regrettful about having lost my s--t though. It's like he pulls the rug from under me and I fall over for a while. I think it feeds him... .I've come to realize this. He clearly has some narcissistic traits and I realize that the drama that occurred between us must have refueled him. Like a vampire he needed to feed on my energy - he does that. I think he likes it when I blow up at him. I regret having given him that. I had resisted, resisted and resisted - instead ending conversations with nice words to him which made him even angrier, but this time he "got" me. I wish I could have just turned away. At least I no longer feel bad for him. I almost don't care about him because I've come to realize just how miserable he is. I had been going through some good times recently - I guess he needed to "fix" that. Of course he only made me temporarily upset. I still keep going with everything else that is good in my life.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, HnC,  My suggestion: decline to participate in the drama.  If you don't engage, you won't lose your s**t.  He probably does like it when you blow up, because he's getting the attention that he craves.  Right, it was only a temporary setback.  Agree, keep going with the good things in your life.

LJ 

[asiyah93]

"I've been discarded so many times - it's like I need to keep reliving this until it no longer matters to me. But he pulls me in. Pretends like he cares about something and then "bang" he pulls the plug."

I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie. I totally understand where you're coming from. My BPD person was still doing this to me up until recently, and I'm now married! I did NC for a bit, he somehow managed to get in touch with me via an email address he claimed before he would stop using (hence why I didn't block that address) confronting me on my blocking. I explained he had crossed a boundary (asked me for old n&des knowing I am married) and that I had no other choice. To please stick to talking about the money he owes me and only talk to me when he has a Western Union tracking # indicating the money is on his way. He tried apologizing "for any misunderstanding" (it wasn't a misunderstanding. Dude asked me for n&des) and that he misses me he "actually miss[es] you a lot." I tried to deflect by saying that's nice to hear, I'm having surgery, pray for me, hoping he would get the point that I don't have energy for this, only for him to ask me days after the surgery how I'm doing. I decided this wasn't going to work, here he was pretending yet again to care. He was simply asking to have an in with me again. If he really cared, he'd respect my wishes of no contact about anything except the money he owes me, especially with the medical bills piling up. And lo and behold, when I assertively confronted him on that, said that I was serious about NC, that we can only talk about the money because I don't want friendship nor can I forgive what he's done to me, he goes on full RAGE and lists all of the things I've done to him (some valid, he once got too close to me physically so I hit him to back off and then he beat me up. I shouldn't have put my hands on him), how I'm manipulative, talk crap about everyone, etc. and then ends the rant with "just think good things about me please I'm also having health problems." This bait and switch drives me crazy. I'm not even in love with him and haven't been for years and he still does this to me in disguise of friendship. They don't care about anybody but themselves. I finally went full-blown NC after arguing with him and having a breakdown at home. Forget the money, I'd rather pay off the credit card debt he left me all on my own. He's been holding my money hostage for years because he knew that was the only reason I kept talking to him. I'm sorry for ranting. I'm not even hurt. I'm just angry at this point. The fact that they do this bait and switch and discard CONSTANTLY is disgusting and I'm so disappointed that people like that exist.

[hotncold]

Hi Aslyah,
Thanks for posting. It sounds like your BPD and my BPDex are very similar. My BPDex tried to sleep with me a few months ago - except he's the one who is with someone else. I am not, but there was no way I was walking into that hornets nest. I think he was angry that I turned him down. And yes, it is so difficult to not give them our energy when they come looking for it - they want any kind of reaction - the stronger the better it is for them. Well I blocked him and if he comes back in anyway shape or form, I am no longer interested in responding to anything that he says. Really I'm not. It's so over. I'm glad that it is. I am SOO grateful that he keeps pushing further and further because he simply went too far. He finally found my limits. I am glad to have found them too.  

[RedPill]

Hi hotandcold,
We're all human. Don't beat yourself up about blowing up. It's in the past. Commit to a new choice next time.
https://media.giphy.com/media/lRawFIeS5mMog/giphy.gif
--
RP

[asiyah93]

Same, hotncold. He found my limit, so did I, and even with the bitterness I'm still happier than I was when he was actively in my life.

[Fie]

Hello hotncold  

I also have a BPD ex. When the relationship was over a good friend of mine soon told me : 'enough about him. It's about you now. What can you do to make sure you do not fall again for a person like that ?'

Like you I started to see unhealthy tendencies in my FOO. My mum appears to be BPD, which is one of the reasons why I was attracting personality disordered people in the first place. I unconsciously wanted to repeat the cycle until my partner ( / my mum) would finally give me the love I so craved for. (Of courses he / she never did)

So I started to work on myself. One big thing for me was working on my boundaries (mainly, being able to say 'no', in a nice and balanced way and also not being overwhelmed by other people's emotions / not interfering in their lives when not asked for / not caretaking people).

It was difficult but a journey well worth it.

I feel disappointed with myself when I end up reacting the same way to these situations.

There are reasons why you keep on reacting the way you are (were ?) reacting. You mentioned your FOO, another reason can be trauma bonding. You have been apart from your ex for 3 years, that's quite a long time to still keep falling for him. I would like to suggest to you the book 'the journey from abandonment to healing', could be that after having read it, things will start to make a little more sense to you.

[Rayban]

I've noticed a pattern on this forum and from my own experience with multiple recycles that there comes a point where we challange their defence mechanisms to the point where they begin to acknowledge  that there is something that  is seriously wrong with all of their relationships which end in the same way.

They can't handle that. The emotions are just too much to deal with, so they choose to transfer or project them on the person that they're with. It can't be them, it's the other person's fault.  In my case I accepted recycles after I laid out evedence of the dysfunctional behaviour but accepted going back knowing nothing had changed.

I believe that towards the end, my BPD ex was on a mission to make everyone including myself, to believe that I was the crazy one. That's where ploys such as smear campaigns come into play. She was partially right because I was foolish enough to go back. The result was blame shifting, and gaslighting to force an end game where she convinced herself that I was faulty and for her to continue to search for the perfect partner.

My advice for anyone living through this now is if you have had any discussion over their behaviors and nothing changes then don't recycle. If you do you'll eventually be baited and discarded.

[roberto516]

My advice for anyone living through this now is if you have had any discussion over their behaviors and nothing changes then don't recycle. If you do you'll eventually be baited and discarded.

Words to live by. I still remember the day she said I was gaslighting her because I began to speak about her relationship patterns, and told her that she was losing someone who was great to her. She said something like "You're gaslighting because you're making me believe that I won't ever find anyone else. Now I'm doubting myself, and thinking I'm crazy." A part of that might be true. But the real gaslighting occurred for the 15 months that I'd communicate my concerns, and genuine emotions when I felt hurt. We would go on a break at her insistence, and then I would apologize to her for being so angry. It's crazy.

But back to the original point. Behaviors are what changes our personalities. Not thoughts alone or desires. We have to do things differently. That's why we are all growing, whether we see it or not. Our behaviors are changing. Little by little.

[hotncold]

But back to the original point. Behaviors are what changes our personalities. Not thoughts alone or desires. We have to do things differently. That's why we are all growing, whether we see it or not. Our behaviors are changing. Little by little.

This is a very good point. Thank you for reminding me of this.

[jody452]

This site is helping so much

I just made one final plea to my BPD ex. The adult part of my brain knows i wont get a reply and can actually see that as a good thing. The relationship was draining emotionally.

But my heart or more so the child part of me wants her to love me, and I guess that comes from family stuff too. I've never felt good enough for my fam, I cant even fully explain why I don't always feel loved by them. Its like I know they love me but because they have too.

So I'm back to day zero of no contact. Trying to build myself up for the fall of not getting a reply to my email.

Your story has helped, and I hope I can help you to move forward too.

I think we tend to spend alot of time focusing on them. Lets all ask ourselves what do we need to make it through today? Whats holding us back from loving ourselves? I don't have the answer to either of them right now.
I still believe that if I can get her back and love her right that will make me whole. My whole life I've looked for someone to save me. Maybe you are doing the same. Maybe that is why you keep hanging on this person filled that void for you.
Perhaps if we talk more about that we may find a way of filling it for ourselves

[Lucky Jim]

I still believe that if I can get her back and love her right that will make me whole. My whole life I've looked for someone to save me. Maybe you are doing the same. Maybe that is why you keep hanging on this person filled that void for you.

Hey Jody452, I would argue that you are already valid and whole, and always have been.  It's about learning to love and accept yourself, just the way you are.  We're all human -- that's a good thing.  Looking for someone else to fill the void is an unpredictable business that is bound to cause disappointment.  The goal, I suggest, is to source your worth from within, rather than from external sources.

LuckyJim

[DazedD40]

This thread has added to the food for thought I'm having today about thevself love eliment that I know I know is missing.

I spent last night with my ex, basically playing at being "friends" yet falling in to bed with her and then cuddling up on the sofa. I spent the entire evening lavishing love and attention her way with the twisted notion that if I can love her enough she'll think twice and realise splitting up isn't what she wants. It was only after she left and ultimately left me with that void inside me that I thought to myself, at what point of this evening did you feel loved? 6/7hrs and not once did I feel anything from her apart from her company. Hell even during sex I was asking myself questions as to whether the bunk up was doing anything to fill the void.

I feel really sad about it tbh as it's the first time I've thought that. I'm getting nothing from her in return yet somehow I felt my most alive self in lavishing love upon her and a love that she doesn't really want or need anymore. I pulled myself up on that and had also read something on here that made me think about things from a different stand point and that was, what about me? How comes I feel alive when I lavish love on her yet feel depressed and upset when I'm not with her? What about my own self love? It's not there and I don't recall a point when it was!

Scary to think that I've been using loving her to try and fix myself!