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Author Topic: Tonight for an hour I was me.  (Read 274 times)
In a bad way
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« on: May 25, 2017, 06:23:33 PM »

Just for an hour I was me , I was in the pub and I threw a few one liners out there.
I joked and took the mickey out of people in a nice way.
Someone said it's nice to see you back with us, then that was it I returned to the depressed person I am.
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roberto516
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« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2017, 07:21:37 PM »

As much as it doesn't seem like it, it is progress. It's something to be proud of. It feels like a dark cloud is over us, but when the sun does peak through it is the first signs that the storm clouds are leaving. Might take longer than we expect or want it to. But it does mean it's starting.

I get it. I cut out another "1 day" chip I made for myself since I broke no contact last night to send an email. And I told myself "You earned this." And yet it made me so sad. It's something that should have made me very happy. And it does in a way. I'm proud of it. But I understand where you are coming from. We have to acknowledge our little victories. It means that person who has been destroyed hasn't been. It's like we were plants that have withered, and look like we are dead. We just need to water ourselves a little bit again to grow. 
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
panhead67

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« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2017, 08:24:45 PM »

Hi,
I relate. I see glimpses of myself, then at some point I realize the loss, and depression hits. And it almost feels worse, if that makes any sense. This is a process, where we must give time, time.   Sometimes it means sitting through the pain, which I am doing right now. and am not happy about it.   I am still new here, but plan to share more and reach out. I want to heal from this utter devastation, and not repeat my pattern in relationships. Just learning. Be gentle with yourself. Make a daily gratitude list, and be open to meditation and self affirmations. And above all be honest with yourself. make a list of all the terrible qualities of your ex. I'm gonna try ruminating on those, instead.Mine would start an argument over nothing just so he could discard me, and/or feel justified in cheating. He talked daily about ex-wives and lovers. I could no longer tell the difference between the truth and lies. what am I missing? In staying, I would be missing the chance to learn to love myself.
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Idsrvt2
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« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2017, 09:34:42 PM »

I can relate... .my councilor said the recovery is just as much irratic as the relationship... .lots of ups and downs. ... I find comfort in that... .

I didn't go to the bar tonite... .I've been going every Thursday ... I just didn't feel up to it... .

So when my new housemate called me into the kitchen to share a drink I gladly joined...

She is going through a break with a mentally ill guy as well... .so we find comfort in chatting about rebuilding our lives. 
It's not easy ... .the other night I cried in my car in a parking lot... went into a store and came out and was approached and asked out by a guy.

It literally takes putting one foot in front of the other .
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ArleighBurke
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Relationship status: was married - 15 yrs
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« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2017, 10:11:05 PM »

So I'm normal... .!

After I left by BPDw I felt great for a week, then up and down like crazy. I can't pick it - I am great one minute, then crash, then be on cloud nine again.

Today i sent what I thought was an innocent email to my ex about child care arrangements, and got back a page of abuse, and a phone call. I stood outside my work and cried. I don't really even know why. For my loss? For her?

But in those times when I feel free - and I'm me - I love the me I am!
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« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2017, 11:36:54 PM »

Just for an hour I was me , I was in the pub and I threw a few one liners out there.
I joked and took the mickey out of people in a nice way.
Someone said it's nice to see you back with us, then that was it I returned to the depressed person I am.
I've had times like that.  Reminds me that I CAN be that way, it is all in my head (or heart).
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cbm419
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« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2017, 10:14:22 AM »

What used to kill me the most is thinking i'll ever be my old self again.  He's just gone. Now, thats okay.

the 3.5 years of dealing with my (now)BPDex shaped so much of my life.  At first they magnified my personality, mostly its best traits, during the idealization phase.  Slowly these best qualities became over-inflated and I was not self aware enough to see it.  I think other's noticed- a lot of people saw changes in me.  Again, at first they saw a happier, more confident me (6 months before meeting BPDex i had a break up with a cheating ex that was very visibly messy among friend group), but with time I think they saw this evolve into a egotistical, delusional me.  My attachment to the BPDex being the chief delusion.

As Idealization passed, he began to magnify every aspect of the old me, especially the bad parts.  My anger started to match his.  My vigilance became hypervigilant, I was doing so so much to keep track of him, putting my hacker hat on and straight up stalking... .downloading current and deleted texts from the cloud, checking dating/hookup apps and sites to see if he was there. It became an 80 hour week job.  Then I'd put on the boyfriend mask when we were together and act like everything was jolly good, unless of course my fact finding missions unturned even a spec of doubt, to which gloves came off.  He knew i could do near anything with tech, and I beleive almost relished how overgrown my obession became.  it was sick, but i told near no one about my behavior, and the close confidants i had said, very reasonably "if you dont trust someone enough that you find that acceptable, what the heck are you doing dating them."

Soon, old me was an exagerrated, unbalance, shambling mess of who I was when my BPDex found me.  I was clinging to the delusion of granduer upon which our relationship was founded, and the false positive self that grew in the "honey moon" phase. But the dark side found me drinking alcoholically, failing at work, obsessing over him and stalking- even though, at this stage he wasnt cheating, even looking on sites, actively turning away past sex partners.  I had the evidence, I saw it all, but it did not release me from these habits.  I was always waiting for the shoe to drop.

the final year of the relationship was full obliteration of the old me and false self that developed. He had prior lived about 40 mins away, and finally moved to my city.  Maintained his own apartment, but basically lived with me.  The theme many have shared- the closer you get, the more they push away, came together in terrifying ways.  now, any disagreement, small or large, was met with some impulsive acting out by him.  Usually sex with a stranger.  Sometimes self harm, or physical abuse of me, or some form of psychotic break or dissociation.

He was younger than me, his BPD was still in growing pains, he was still months from hospitalization and diagnosis (meanwhile, I was on this site in the conflicted and improving boards, go figure! ).  I knew what was up, when I read about this disorder it hit a bullseye.  My error was obsessing about BPD, trying to fix someone who didnt want to get better, and not looking at myself. My role. who I was and who i was becoming.

Now I have to look at who I became.

in those end stages, i was always either pre trauma, in trauma, or post trauma.  very little room to breathe in between.  Couldnt stand being sober, always had to obliterate myself at pubs/bars/parties. I went from the fun drinking buddy to the blacked out, weepy mess, or the blacked out wierdo spouting total BS. The "good" old me still came out to play, but he was no longer magnified, he was tiny, afraid, aloof and didnt like to stay around very long. At best, I was always in this weird middle between anxious, depressed and obsessed.  That was my little triangle- knowing he was terrible for me, scared of losing him, absolutely craving every inch of his body and the attention of the long gone person he was in idealization.

when it was all over, old me was as gone as he was from my life.  He took old me with him.

But, old me was so mangled, he had to go.  How am I carrying on? well, connecting with past hobbies, long since distanced friendships has helped.  A lot of people couldnt watch the train wreck and are happy to be back in my life now that ex is gone.  they help a lot.  But I am carefully reforming.  I dont want the old me back, even before my r/s with BPDex, because old me was the exact person who got me into this mess.

in time, my wit has returned. in time, my zest for fitness, art/music and creativity has returned.  My memory, productivity- still suck.  I have a job thats probably 20% as demanding as my last one (which i lost thru my obsession with ex and the alcoholism that developed as a coping mechanism... .thank god thats over), but i just can't concentrate still.  3 years of feeling pulled in every direction will do that, I suppose.  but it does get better.

so mate what I'd tell you is- perhaps accept you may not ever be that old self again.  But that is a good thing.  All your best thoughts/ideas got you into that mess, they arent going magically become a ladder from a shovel. which is not to say you must deny your former existence, just challenge it logically, and accept you probably had some holes in the ship to plug.

I find when i feel depressed about where I'm at, its because I'm reaching for an old self who got me into that r/s, or a false positive self that my ex magnified for a short time.  Guess what? they both weren't good for my bottom line.  Today, I'm a lot more calm, my life is easier.  They are gone, and if on a date I see one of those red flags- I run.  I used to charge at those like a white knight... .total wounded lamb syndrome. Now I look out for me, and for someone who has it together.  I'm determined to grow exactly how god/universe/destiny intends for me to, and the past: it happened, its over.

idk if this ramble will help you at all, but thank you for inspiring some positive introspection in me today!
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2017, 10:37:21 AM »

Hey In a bad way, That's great news!  Suggest you do more of it.  In my experience, recovering from a BPD r/s involves a return to authenticity.  Be who you are.  Do the things that make you happy.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Pay attention to small desires that come from your core.  You get the idea!  LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Confused99
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« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2017, 05:18:41 PM »

I been there.  I was the life of the party and so itgoing.  She destroyed me.  I had trouble getting dressed or sleeping for more then 10 minutes.  I remember thinking I'll never be the same again.  Well here I am about 2 years later and 6 months NC dating the most amazing person and I am almost there.   I read everything I could possibly read.  But it just took me getting angry and realizing it wasn't me.  You too will get there.   I promise.  Baby steps. 
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In a bad way
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« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2017, 07:47:57 PM »

I had another OK night tonight, got a bit drunk.
I'm going on a pub trip tomorrow , actually in a few hours time, I can't sleep.
I didn't and don't feel up to it but I promised people I would go, theses people went out of there way to convince me to go. They don't know the full extent of it all.
I have to go.
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Confused99
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« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2017, 09:49:35 PM »

I had another OK night tonight, got a bit drunk.
I'm going on a pub trip tomorrow , actually in a few hours time, I can't sleep.
I didn't and don't feel up to it but I promised people I would go, theses people went out of there way to convince me to go. They don't know the full extent of it all.
I have to go.

It's all good.  Baby steps.  Each day if you gain even a inch will get you closer.   There is no magic pill.  But your going the right way. 
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