On her 6th man but looks so happy / why can't she suffer

[Confused99]

I have 95% moved on completely with someone amazing.  I have gone 5 months now NC.  I don't want her back.  We recycled so many times I lost track.  After 7 years I have had enough.  I will admit my one downfall is once in awhile I peek at social media.  She doesn't post of her new men but places she is.  Half naked pics.  How great her life is.  This is her 6th bf in last year but she seems so into this one.  Rich and stuff.  Brings her kid around him. 

What I hate the most is I want her to suffer.  She tells people I destroyed her and life is so great now without me.   Everything was my fault.  I ruined her.  How do I get myself to not give a crap?   Especially holiday weekend she gets so excited.   How do I get the final 5% home?

[Lonely_Astro]

Hi!  Sorry to hear you're having a tough go.

Full detachment comes in time. Seeing her on social media still holds up progress. Remember, what you're seeing there is what SHE wants you (and everyone else) to see. It's a carefully construed narrative. It's a façade, nothing more.

What's important is you focus on you. When you get the urge to 'peek' at her account, look at something else instead. The weather. News headlines. Whatever it takes. That's how you reach the other 5%.

Keep posting. Keep healing.

[KtotheK]

I have 95% moved on completely with someone amazing.  I have gone 5 months now NC.  I don't want her back.  We recycled so many times I lost track.  After 7 years I have had enough.  I will admit my one downfall is once in awhile I peek at social media.  She doesn't post of her new men but places she is.  Half naked pics.  How great her life is.  This is her 6th bf in last year but she seems so into this one.  Rich and stuff.  Brings her kid around him. 

What I hate the most is I want her to suffer.  She tells people I destroyed her and life is so great now without me.   Everything was my fault.  I ruined her.  How do I get myself to not give a crap?   Especially holiday weekend she gets so excited.   How do I get the final 5% home?

I totally get this  I've stopped looking at social media but i do make enquirers about that she's posted which I guess is just as bad as looking? And I never like the response I get and it makes me feel sad and down. I know looking and asking is bad so why do we do it to ourselves ... it's like torture! Even more stupid is the fact that I can't seem to delete her number so up pops whatssap and the pic of her and the replacement looking blissfully happy. Why can I not delete it ? Will I feel liberated if I do ? I feel scared to do it? Crazy? 4 months NC but I can't seem to make this final move! Will it help me to move on ? I'm guessing the answer is yes but for whatever reason I'm struggling to do so. What do I do and will it help ?

[OptimusRhyme]

She tells people I destroyed her and life is so great now without me.   Everything was my fault.  I ruined her.  How do I get myself to not give a crap?   Especially holiday weekend she gets so excited.   How do I get the final 5% home?

You know how we hear a lot (and tell others a lot) in this community that, once you've detached and focused on healing yourself, the other person won't matter? That seems to me to be pretty universal (ie not just a concept to help nons recover from BPD partners). If you were to look at her actions (blame attribution, smear campaigns, social media glamor campaigns), do those seem like the actions of someone who has found happiness and peace, and is focusing on healing themselves?

There's a medical term for when someone outwardly projects happiness and contentedness in a little too forceful and desperate an attempt to cover up interior chaos and trauma... .It's... .Damn, what was it? Oh right. Full of it.   

[Mutt]

Hi Confused99,

She's had 6 bf's in a year? Do you think that she tells everyone that they're all bad men, they all ruined her, it's all their fault? 6 bf's in a year would be about 8 weeks on average for a r/s? If you had a friend that said something similar every few weeks, what would you think?

[GlennT]

They are relationship junkies who are always happy when they get another "fix" or "supply". My ex, who I am watching via social networking and double spying, has a foot in the grave literally, And is pursuing another victim, while engaged. I have been waiting for her to kick the frame, but she never does. It seems whenever she is about to land another victim, she gets stronger, and I feel worse. Take my advice, and don't peek, and try not to ever think about them. God has blessed you with a better woman, your ex will never be.

[Confused99]

Yeah I been good at not looking for the most part.  Her friends are all losers as well who think she is so cool cause she dates older rich men.  I guess you are right I need to not care.  It's just hard sometimes after the absolute hell I endured for this girl.  And she gets any guy she wants because of her looks and body.  Guys just fall to her.  And I want her to fail

[GlennT]

Man; If you have time, watch the movie called "The Portrait Of Dorian Grey." This dude's soul was black ugliness through and through, on the inside, like BPD, and the only one knew it was this portrait that was painted of him he kept hidden from everyone. That dudes picture of his soul was so ugly, and just got uglier in time.

[Turkish]

6 boyfriends in a year,  oh vey... .yet despite the recycles,  you lasted 7 years. Can you congratulate yourself?

In have an old family friend who is diagnosed with BPD, GAD, and depression. I've known her since she was 9. She's currently 40 going on 14, emotionally.  I've distanced myself from her,  even though she was kind of like a sister.  2 broken marriages,  almost a 3rd, and boyfriends. Though she acknowledges her illnesses,  it doesn't change.  She even embraces who she is, at least on the surface. Does she suffer on the surface,  the life she projects? No.  Underneath,  I'd say yes.  Yet,  this is how she copes. She doesn't know any other way because that is how she's survived to be somewhat functional all of these decades. 

I get why you desire to see her suffering,  and I've offered that she probably does, albeit on the inside.  I know my ex does.

I obviously don't know your ex; my words are just educated guesses based upon my own experiences and those of members I've seen here for over 3 years.  My question to you,  throwing it back into your court, the area over which you only have 100% control,  is how would seeing her suffer affect your journey of healing?

[Confused99]

I obviously don't know your ex; my words are just educated guesses based upon my own experiences and those of members I've seen here for over 3 years.  My question to you,  throwing it back into your court, the area over which you only have 100% control,  is how would seeing her suffer affect your journey of healing?

I guess it wouldn't.   The part that affects me is how she blames me for destroying her life.  She had a affair but it was because of how I treated her.  Crap like that.  She is brilliant at turning the tables on me

[Lonely_Astro]

I guess it wouldn't.   The part that affects me is how she blames me for destroying her life.  She had a affair but it was because of how I treated her.  Crap like that.  She is brilliant at turning the tables on me

I guess it wouldn't.   The part that affects me is how she blames me for destroying her life.  She had a affair but it was because of how I treated her.  Crap like that.  She is brilliant at turning the tables on me

Those that suffer (and it is suffering, if you really think about it) with BPD are not capable of taking responsibility for their own actions. They cannot fathom the idea of actions have consequences. They always blame others because they don't want to face the blame themselves.

A prime example is my ex, J. She is diagnosed BPD. She's highly functional - she will openly talk about her disorder (with me, at least). She knows right from wrong, she knows how negative behavior has negative consequences, yet that doesn't stop her. Just as there are crummy people that aren't BPD, there are crummy BPDs out there. My ex, while BPD, is overal a crummy person. Is it the BPD that makes her a crummy person?  I think to an extent it's a driving force but ultimately she's responsible for her actions - she knows right from wrong.

From time to time she attempts to start something up with me - when it suits her. Whether it's to check to see if I'm still in her stable, to get a "high", or she's just suffering a time of dysregulation is irrelevant... .It's about her wants/needs. I'm just an outlet, not a person with feelings, I'm a soothing object and nothing more to her. I'm cordial to her but distant in those times (we work together) and as quickly as she appeared, she disappears.

For example, I have the opportunity to retire from my current job and start a new chapter of my life. I'm fortunate I made some smart moves when I was younger and can do that though I'm middle aged. Anyway, when the news broke I was retiring, she immediately came to me and told me all about how she was feeling about my departure. I simply listened to her. That whole conversation was about her and not about me (how she wasn't ready to lose someone she loves more than words can express, how she made a mistake letting me go, yadda yadda yadda).  Keep in mind she lives with my replacement and has been with him since we ended almost 2 years ago (who we also work with - that's a whole 'nother story). She said all that the other day to me. Last night, she went to a concert with him and they had a grand time I was told (inadvertently). My point in that long story was that to the outside world, she is happy and carefree in her current r/s when she was professing her unhappiness and regret to me not two days ago. So which is the truth?  To me, it doesn't matter - I'm responsible for me and my happiness - which she isn't a part of at all.  What do you want to bet she'll contact me again soon begging me to stay working so she can still have some contact with "the truest love" she's "ever had"?

You'll get there. It just takes time.  You didn't ruin her life, it was ruined long before you and will be long after you.

[Panshekay]

Sorry, been there done that. People post and say  things all the time that aren't true... .even sane people!  Haha. BPD want everyone to think they have this awesome,  incredible life, but they are broken inside. Trust me, she isn't any happier with the new rich guy... .and will never be happy with anyone. It's all a charade. I used to look at my DIL posts with each new BF (until she blocked me) and feel so sorry for them!  It was always "I found my soulmate", like 6 in a year. The only reason she is still with this soulmate is because he lives out of state, he has a good job and they dont see one another all the time. Trust me, nothing is like what she is posting. It sounds like you have someone now and are happy. Enjoy, realize how blessed you are, you survived.

[Panshekay]

Also a lie is a lie and the truth is the truth, no matter what others say, think or believe.  You know what happened. That's all that matters.

[Confused99]

Sorry, been there done that. People post and say  things all the time that aren't true... .even sane people!  Haha. BPD want everyone to think they have this awesome,  incredible life, but they are broken inside. Trust me, she isn't any happier with the new rich guy... .and will never be happy with anyone. It's all a charade. I used to look at my DIL posts with each new BF (until she blocked me) and feel so sorry for them!  It was always "I found my soulmate", like 6 in a year. The only reason she is still with this soulmate is because he lives out of state, he has a good job and they dont see one another all the time. Trust me, nothing is like what she is posting. It sounds like you have someone now and are happy. Enjoy, realize how blessed you are, you survived.

Soo true the new guy and her see each other a few times a week for the fun stuff.  I lived through hell.  Sometimes I just wish they would move in together so the real "fun" can start

[Confused99]

How long can they keep up the act?   Has anyone ever had a ex that met someone and was actually happy?

[SummerStorm]

I totally get where you're coming from with this.  My BPD friend (age 24) has a teaching degree but works at a convenience store (as a manager, and she keeps getting promoted, but still, she went to college for nothing, basically).  She is never single and manages to attract very good looking men who are also nice guys.  She treats everyone like crap, especially her mom.  In just the past year, she's been on four vacations, mostly to the beach, two of which were two weeks long.  In a few weeks, she's going on a weekend trip to New York City.  And for each one, she's managed to convince someone (usually her mom) to basically pay for everything.  Her mom also paid for her college.  Meanwhile, I've worked by butt off for ten years, paying off my college loans and my car, saving up money to buy a house, getting my master's degree, working constantly (I'm a teacher, and that's not just a 7-3 job like most people think), and I haven't been on vacation in years because I can't afford it and would never even think about asking my parents for money.  It makes me so mad sometimes because my parents raised me with the belief that a person should work for what he or she wants.  

Do I think that she suffers internally?  Maybe.  It's hard to tell.  What I do know is that she is never truly happy, at least not in the way I would define happiness.  She just got back from a two week vacation, visiting her mom and stepdad.  Near the end of her trip, I guess her abandonment (or maybe engulfment, who knows?) fears kicked in, and she started verbally abusing her mom, locking herself in her room all day, etc.  She also spent most of her time talking to her boyfriend on the phone.  Her mom told me she couldn't wait for her to leave.  But looking at her Snapchat story, you would think that everyone was having a marvelous time.  She even posted about how much she would miss it there.  So, she was not happy here and wanted to go on vacation, but as soon as she went, she was not happy there.  

[SummerStorm]

How long can they keep up the act?   Has anyone ever had a ex that met someone and was actually happy?

Did my BPD friend say she was happy?  Sure.  Was she?  Doubtful.

Two years ago, I really thought she had met the one.  They seemed to be so happy.  Then, they moved in together, and within a few months, it was over. 

Last year, I really thought she had met a guy she would marry.  They had common interests, and her idealization of him wasn't intense, so I thought, "Well, maybe she is maturing a bit and moving at a more normal speed."  Not long after, she decided to move in with him, after three months of dating, and I realized nothing had changed. Then, I found out that he was a recovering heroin addict who was in and out of rehab, and that was ultimately why they broke up.  Now, if he hadn't had that problem, who knows what would have happened.  Of course, that being said, if he hadn't been an addict and had been mentally and emotionally healthy, he probably would not have stayed with her in the first place.  She even said once that they needed to break up because he was becoming addicted to her, too.  But if I had been an outsider who knew nothing except for what she posted on Facebook and had no idea that she has BPD, I would have thought that they were the epitome of the perfect couple. 

For about six months, starting right after she broke up with the addict until mid-March, she was dating a co-worker and seemed to be happy.  There was no intense idealization, no attempt at moving in with him, etc.  They had to break up because she kept getting promoted and upper management told her she couldn't date someone who was that low on the totem pole.  I never really talked to her about that guy, so I don't know if she was really, truly happy in the relationship or was simply just happy to be in a relationship, since that's how she defines herself.

[Shane87]

She is suffering, on the inside.  Remember the facade she presented you with before you married her?  How happy and excited she seemed to be?  Remember all the ways her suffering soul peaked through the cracks of the facade after you married her?

I doubt that any of that has changed for her.  Just as she did with you, she presents an outward facing mask of happiness to lure in the relationships she desperately wants but is unable to maintain.

I know of a woman, besides my wife, who suffers from BPD.  I'm friends with her second (ex)husband.  Her third husband initiated divorce proceedings less than a year after marrying her.  The third husband actually called my friend to apologize, and asked how my friend was able to endure marriage with her for 11 years.  She's now engaged to future husband #4.

My friend wonders how she is so able to reel-in new men so easily and quickly while her exes are still recovering from the trauma she inflicted on them.

On social media she always appears the image of pure happiness, or during divorce she presents herself as the ultimate victim and recruits others against her soon to be ex.  She always accuses her exes of being abusive, yet the legal documents consistently show it is her exes who initiated divorce to get away from her.

[Confused99]

She is suffering, on the inside.  Remember the facade she presented you with before you married her?  How happy and excited she seemed to be?  Remember all the ways her suffering soul peaked through the cracks of the facade after you married her?

I doubt that any of that has changed for her.  Just as she did with you, she presents an outward facing mask of happiness to lure in the relationships she desperately wants but is unable to maintain.

I know of a woman, besides my wife, who suffers from BPD.  I'm friends with her second (ex)husband.  Her third husband initiated divorce proceedings less than a year after marrying her.  The third husband actually called my friend to apologize, and asked how my friend was able to endure marriage with her for 11 years.  She's now engaged to future husband #4.

My friend wonders how she is so able to reel-in new men so easily and quickly while her exes are still recovering from the trauma she inflicted on them.

On social media she always appears the image of pure happiness, or during divorce she presents herself as the ultimate victim and recruits others against her soon to be ex.  She always accuses her exes of being abusive, yet the legal documents consistently show it is her exes who initiated divorce to get away from her.

Shane good points.  Marriage was spot on.  I swear she lives off highs.  Almost the very moment we got married you could see as if the air had been sucked out of her.   If I didn't talk about vacations, or gifts she was miserable

[Panshekay]

I remember a few years before our son married his uBPDW  they had broken up (many times, but we had no idea) He told me how much he missed the excitement of being with her. She made everything fun and exciting... .of course that was only a few years into the relationship. The highs with her were super high, but the lows were also super low... .other than their son, Im sure he regrets the day he met her. Our son was overseas in the Military and then worked for a private contractor. He didn't date a lot at all, and he doesn't date now. I hope one day he meets someone who is... .hate to say it... .but normal. Kind, loving, genuine, and honest.

[Shane87]

Shane good points.  Marriage was spot on.  I swear she lives off highs.  Almost the very moment we got married you could see as if the air had been sucked out of her.   If I didn't talk about vacations, or gifts she was miserable

If I was spot on, it is only because of my own painful familiarity.   Before marriage,  my sweetheart was so excited and happy to be with me.  Her extended family treated me as if I walked on water, based on how she described me to them.

Then, the week after we returned from our honeymoon,  it was as if a switch was flipped.  I was completely unprepared for the chaos that followed.  I deeply empathize with your trauma, and hope that you find the healing and closure that you need.

[Duped 1]

Also a lie is a lie and the truth is the truth, no matter what others say, think or believe.  You know what happened. That's all that matters.

I have to remind myself of this as she badmouths me to her friends and family and plays the victim role. She appears so sweet and innocent from a distance but is a raging, abusive liar. People would be shocked if they could see the real her. I have never experienced anything like it and she takes no ownership of her behavior. Everything is someone elses fault. Before I had ever heard of BPD, I had said to her several times that she was like dealing with a 5 year old but honestly I think most 5 year olds are more emotionally mature than her.

[GlennT]

Duped 1- This sickly sweet and innocent victim role/mask is known in professional circles as Covert Narcissism. They also use this mask to hook a new victim. It will be for the benefit for us all to study this. Remember, they can mirror your problems exactly, while at the same time, appearing sweet, innocent, and blameless, when discussing their relationships.

[asiyah93]

Confused,

As many have suggested, don't look at your ex's social media. Social media is used by non-BPD people to brag and put up a front. You think BPD people, who are notorious for putting up acts and leading double lives, won't use social media the same way?

I understand what you're going through because one of the things that would get to me about my exBPDbf/friend is that he gets away with EVERYTHING. I soon realized that I was part of the problem: I too let him get away with a lot. They don't "suffer" in the way you're describing because a) they manage to fool a lot of people and b) by the time the jig is up, many are so tired of dealing with them they let a lot of things slide or pretend to see their POV (no matter how irrational) just to not deal with the drama. Unfortunately, we might be the few who don't do b all.the.time and that's why we are at the receiving end of their abuse more often than others. Aside from discovering that I was part of the problem, I also saw that they do suffer. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. They are miserable people who are so emotionally unstable they don't know what to do with themselves. Even if they got everything they wanted, they are STILL unhappy. Unless they get serious help, they will always be unhappy deep down. Sadistic, but that did make me feel like I got closure. I'm not happy at the thought of people being in constant pain, but I can't let my guilt of leaving a pained person behind interfere with my life anymore. I don't care if he's fake happy, if he's getting away with everything, etc. In the end, I care about myself and my own healing.

[Duped 1]

Duped 1- This sickly sweet and innocent victim role/mask is known in professional circles as Covert Narcissism. They also use this mask to hook a new victim. It will be for the benefit for us all to study this. Remember, they can mirror your problems exactly, while at the same time, appearing sweet, innocent, and blameless, when discussing their relationships.

This is exactly how she operates. BPD with NPD traits. Complete phony. I do have some compassion at times because I know she is miserable, but she also knows right from wrong. It's all about her.

[Shane87]

Great description, GlennT.  I'd never heard the term "covert narcissism" before and appreciate you educating me.