Why do I feel more hurt lately ?

[Idsrvt2]

I just don't understand... .it will be three months on June 3rd... .and I just don't know why I'm crying more , especially this week.

I know it feels like I miss him more now

I miss what could have been if only he had gotten therapy years ago

I cry because he was so horrid and got a protection order

I struggle with the orders ending first week of July,,,she. I will be just four months NC

I wish we could have just been friends and nothing more ...

And then there are the guys that have asked me out... .you know the ones my x thought I would find that would be so much better than him,,,they are ten times worse and I haven't even gone on a date... I'm not looking it's just they way they approach or speak to me.

My x understood me, he was kind about my health issues he wasn't only into sex
I'm just struggling

[Idsrvt2]

I don't know how to edit the original post... .but I was just looking over some social media videos I did while with him and I even looked better ... .now I look like a shell of what I was... .on that note I'm forcing myself out for some exercise. Can't lay here crying

[Doughboy]

It seems like you are very upset over this situation still.  I can understand why you are feeling that way as it strikes me very often also.  I am obviously no expert but looking at the videos is not helping you in any I imagine.  

As time goes by and there is no positive resolution our minds start battling with our hearts also.  This is normal too.  Getting outside is a really good choice.  The sun and fresh air will make a difference.  Try and at least force a hello and a smile to everyone you cross paths with as that will lift your spirits a bit.

Allegedly it gets better with time... .

Also, If you look to the far right at the top of each of your posts there is the word "Modify".  Click that and you can edit!

[Mutt]

Hi Idsrvt2,

I miss what could have been if only he had gotten therapy years ago

It sounds like you could be in the bargaining stage of grieving, the orders getting dropped several weeks from now could be a trigger, looking at memoirs on social media could be another trigger, three months is not a long time, it's normal to be emotionally raw several weeks after the break-up.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Hang in there

[Idsrvt2]

Thank you Ox and mutt I'm not good at quoting on my iPad either . Thanks ox for the tip on how to edit.
The walk helped , it was refreshing outside tonight... .a coolness to the air... .no one was outside but ironically my neighbor must be working for a new company and the name was on the truck... .the same last name as the guy I met at the grocery store this week... .a nice guy with an even nicer Irish accent... .it was odd really as I stood there talking to him about what I would talk to my x about so many times ... .

Seeing the name in the truck made me smile a bit... .I came back inside and felt better ... .but then a few hours later and the memories are back... .like how the foil he bought me is still not gone, now never did I even notice it, but my mind tonite did... like wth

I think the orders being lifted is a trigger, so many what ifs ... .I mean I can talk all I want about how I have my dress picked out etc... .truth is I wish I didn't have to go to court... .I'm loosing my councilor too and can't find one that takes my insurance
I hate crying... .I hate crying over someone that was so horrid they did this to me... .he would tell me not to cry he is a hollow and go on and leave him behind and live a full life... . 

[Mutt]

I thin that we're in different countries, when I didn't have an L, the judge granted me more time to find one. Does it work that way in your country?

[Idsrvt2]

When I said councilor I meant like a therapist, but I do also need an attorney too... .no, here we still have to show up for court and the. Hope the judge gives more time... .it's just an ordeal. With my x as he is a puppet of his family... .both court dates were fives hours ... .the court is such where u can sit next to your abuser, walk halls and share elevators... .I could have talked to mine if I wasn't so devastated and still in shock

He has guns... .fifty plus he gets back legally in July... .so I'm sure he will want everything ended... .heck he wanted everything dropped back in  march

I just hope I don't feel this hurt in July... .this is really not a good place to be in... having to see his family again as they pat his back and soothe him ... .

I thin that we're in different countries, when I didn't have an L, the judge granted me more time to find one. Does it work that way in your country?

[aquietcipher]

Hello Idsrvt,

I think recovery happens in waves, in the sense that we tend to make improvements on certain days, and regress on others. I have gone 9 months NC now, and some days I really could care less that she no longer wants me and has hurt me so badly, but other days, within the same month or even week, I feel so despairing and lonely, and I miss the relationship even if I don't miss her. I think life is hard - we encounter difficulties in so many different aspects, and when there are stresses or particular challenges in our lives, we are triggered into longing for that support they've once given us, and we don't remember the bad times in that wave of sadness and wanting.

Don't be so hard on yourself - take all the time you need to recover. To quote my therapist, these things don't happen on a scaled timeline, and emotional abuse is a big thing to get over.

[Idsrvt2]

Thanks aquietcopher for your reply as well as your therapists take on recovery... .I have to rember that  what my x did was abuse and control.

I went out today alone to see the Clydesdale horses in one of my fav towns near me.  When it started I was busy taking pics and interacting with the photogs... .but once it was over I found myself all alone and I started to remenece... .our last date was in that town... .the date where we were having so much fun... .so I thought I would walk to the end I thought we didn't walk that nite... .only to realize there was the burger place where I didn't want just fries... .I was starve do that nite, but knew he feared eating in public... .I often put him first...
And there was the ramp he placed me on as a joke so I would be as tall as he would be to kiss him... .
So I was a tad sad, so I then recalled him ending that nite early ... saying we would eat at the place next time and let's get you home as you need to eat.
Once in his car he told me he thought my cats sprayed my shoe and I smelt like cat pee... .and also again mentioned how he lost his virginity young because his dad molested him.

Some days my mind views him as he has passed away... .u like past breakups this is much different.   
So since I couldn't stay one more moment in that town surrounded by triggers I left and went to the mall... .and purposely shopped at the store he took me on Valentine's Day... .he still has the clothes he bought me that nite
Today I shopped for me, I had all the time in the world unlike the nite we went out.  I tried on many things... .it was kind of an I'm out in this store despite the last time being with him. I need to make my own memories l

I've posted before my x sees himself as transgender... .and I miss that unique factor to him... .his ability to pick out outfits ... .but I also realize how it may have caused him pain as he remains trapped in a body and image he hates. The last I checked his social media site he was planning on getting back out into the world again... .I hope he can do so.   
Overall I'm still sad and now back home here even more so.   I'm going to review the photos and post some online... .atleast I got out... .