Daughter in law BPD

[ForwardBackward]

Hello everyone... .I'm so happy to have found this site.  My son has been married to my DIL for 17 years.  There were many issues and episodes of uncanny behavior before they were married and they were red flags to my husband and I.  In our attempt to ask our sons consideration about spending his future with her, he became defensive, told her what we told him and for a period of time we were estranged until their wedding.
Over the years, he came to see for himself that her behavior was bizarre, but not constant.  On his constant urging she has seen therapists, psychologists etc. and at one point was diagnosed with "possible" BPD.  The psychologist told them that this was a pretty new mental behavior that was beginning to be recognized and she didn't feel comfortable completing her sessions. 
He is devoted to her but is now so completely drained of energy and is losing compassion.  They have a 6 year old daughter and he is struggling to try to keep things "normal" so she won't be affected.
He has no one that he can confide in... .he called the other day to tell us "thank you for never saying "I told you so."  He doesn't know where to turn and he can't even call me unless she isn't present.  Is there anyone out there that can help me give him a direction?  Thank you.

[Mutt]

Hi ForwardBackward, 



I'd like to welcome you to the site, I'm sorry that you're son is going through this, it has to be hard for you to watch him go through this, I can also see how hard it would be to not say anything, but it's best if someone goes through the experience themselves instead of resenting a friend or family member.

He has no one that he can confide in... .he called the other day to tell us "thank you for never saying "I told you so."  He doesn't know where to turn and he can't even call me unless she isn't present.  Is there anyone out there that can help me give him a direction?  Thank you.

From what you shared here, I'm going to guess that he may not talk to other family members or friends because he doesn't want to get his SO upset, it sounds like he's walking on eggshells. Self care is really important when your SO suffers from BPD so that you don't burn the candle at both ends, a pwBPD say mostly bad things about you, this type of feedback is distorted. It's also important to spend time with people that love you unconditionally, you'll get more positive / supportive  feedback.

We're here 7/24/365, he can post anonymously, from a phone/tablet/computer and talk to others that are in can give support and guide him. This is a place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated, he's probably getting a lot of that right now because a pwBPD are hyper critical about themselves internally and project that on others as well. I suggest that he joins the group.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are going through this. Your situation is similar to others who have posted here. A search on the topic will bring up similar threads.

Before getting too involved- learn as much as you can about the dynamics of BPD relationships- especially the drama (Karpman ) triangle. When a rescuer- victim are bonded against a common persecutor ( the three possible roles) they are both aligned and looking at a common problem - which takes the focus off their own issues. You experienced this when your son told his wife what you said. You were only trying to help.

Your son is probably not aware of this pattern but he is likely a rescuer type. It's also natural for a mother to help her child of any age but be aware of this possible pattern.

I experienced this as an adult daughter of a BPD mother in different situations. Most of the time my father upheld my mother and didn't say a word. On a rare occasion he'd be fed up with it and say he wanted to leave. This was scary for me as a child but as an adult I was supportive if he chose this and told him so.  But eventually he'd change his mind. My mother read all the e mails I sent him and listened in on our phone calls.

Know that anything you say could be seen/ heard by his wife.

I don't know why I felt I needed to inform my father about BPD and resources I had found on line.  It was probably my own tendency to rescue. He was a smart man and he had a computer at the time too. He could find it as easy as I could. Maybe he had.

I didn't understand the triangle then- but if I did - and my father (or your son ) mentioned issue with my mother I might have said "I love you and want the best for you. I trust that you can access online and local resources. Let me know how I can help you if you wish " and leave the door open to ask for support. Your son may follow through or change his mind.

[Panshekay]

Glad you found this site. It has been a life saver for us. DIL is uBPD. Our son has a 6yo son. Been seperated over 3 years, trying to divorce his w.  Been a journey through hell. 11 false DHS allegations. Have him check it out, ask question and read everything he can here.

[whiplashed_mom]

I'm looking for others with (u?)BPDdil's, and especially those whose son's are in a co-dependent or even Stockholm syndrome relationship. Also, we have been estranged for two years and are forbidden to communicate with them, and they've instructed all mutual contacts not communicate with us.

[Panshekay]

I'm sorry, I'm usually on this site a lot but had relatives visiting.  What specific questions or issues are you experiencing?  Our son met his wife almost 11 years ago. She had a D who was 2, our son took on the parent role right away.  Our son is a nurse.  He is very kind and compassionate.  She was good and fooled us. I am in the medical field, and she did fool me as well. She took our son who was very very close to us and alienated him from his family. I kept in contact, but it was a tad bit strained. Our son and I are very much a like. Once they moved away it took about 3 years for him to figure out what to do.  Our son is the "mother" in the relationship so I think that's what finally woke him up... .when he saw what it was doing to the kids. They have a S 6. Our DIL was the abusive one, physically and mentally.  They have been seperated for almost 4 years, trying to divorce for almost 3. And they still aren't divorced.  ugh... .what I learned was it takes time, and I always made it clear to our son that I loved him and both kids and was there for him, no matter what. Our son is an amazing man... .I just waited it out. I don't think our DIL counted on that and I in return banked on that ;-)

[Turkish]

The lessons on the Improving Board can help him understand her and also provide communication strategies which can reduce conflict in the face of BPD like behaviors.  Take a look.  Maybe he will be encouraged to join and get support from others in similar situations