Hurt again...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey people,

So me and my girlfriend broke up in April and since then she's made it look like she was getting back with me twice, twice we had sex a couple of weeks after breaking up and then she went quiet but, blocked and unlocked me we finally seemed to be making some progress yesterday and the day before about a month of not seeing each other we were kissing cuddling etc.

Last night she told me she loved me and today I made a mistake of turning up at her work and her house and she looked at me like a completely different person, pure hatred.

Now she says move on and is ignoring me again... .

What do I do about this? I really want her back despite how badly she's treated me as I felt like there was still something but why is she doing this to me? it's like she doesn't give a damn about me but she says she does.

It's like the harder I try the more she runs away and I just can't win I've tried leaving her alone, being nice, etc. I just don't get it.

Will she be hurting like I am or am I not even in her mind at all?  

[msh28]

Hey people,

So me and my girlfriend broke up in April and since then she's made it look like she was getting back with me twice, twice we had sex a couple of weeks after breaking up and then she went quiet but, blocked and unlocked me we finally seemed to be making some progress yesterday and the day before about a month of not seeing each other we were kissing cuddling etc.

Last night she told me she loved me and today I made a mistake of turning up at her work and her house and she looked at me like a completely different person, pure hatred.

Now she says move on and is ignoring me again... .

What do I do about this? I really want her back despite how badly she's treated me as I felt like there was still something but why is she doing this to me? it's like she doesn't give a damn about me but she says she does.

It's like the harder I try the more she runs away and I just can't win I've tried leaving her alone, being nice, etc. I just don't get it.

Will she be hurting like I am or am I not even in her mind at all?  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[msh28]

Whatever I try to do she says is wrong and just gets annoyed but last night I actually felt like I was getting somewhere I even got an 'i love you' text which I haven't had since we split up... .

I saw her for about 2 hours combined yesterday and the day before and assumed I could see her today for a half an hour or something (wrongly) so I showed up at her work and asked her to see me on her break which she got angry about.

I want her back but it's hurting me too much and when I finally seem to be making progress she pushes me away again I don't know if it's even possible I just want to cuddle her and she only lives 3 miles away but it feels like she lives in Afghanistan or something.

Now I'm getting the silent treatment yet again and her last text to me was move on and she slammed the door in my face. How do they live with themselves all the cruelty? What did I do wrong, fall in love that was all... .

I have never felt shi**er than this in my entire life but I STILL WANT her. She could literally stab me in the face and I'd still probably want her, I can't get my head around this the pain is just too much.

[happendtome]

How did she say that i love you? Did she say "i love you, but i cant be together with you" or she said "i love you and want to get back with you"? There is a big difference

[msh28]

She said she's moving away so it was more like "I love you but I can't be with you I'm moving away for 6 months"

[once removed]

Last night she told me she loved me and today I made a mistake of turning up at her work and her house and she looked at me like a completely different person, pure hatred.

this may have been a bit overwhelming for her.

if you want to reconcile the relationship, i strongly encourage you to post on the Saving board and learn the tools on that board.

right now you are over-responding to her friendly overtures, and this is likely pushing her away.

[msh28]

Well why would she kiss and cuddle me and tell me she loved me one day and then the next not want to see me?

Honestly, what the F***? Am I missing something or what?

She says I'm doing all the things she's telling me not to but I'm simply trying to show her that I still care and I want to see her. I want her back... .What do normal people do if they love someone? Sit back and wait for someone else to come and take you away? Am I retarded or what? Showing up simply because I wanted to see her is pushing her further away? How do I get her back then? Sit back and wait for her to go with someone else?

[once removed]

theres a middle ground here.

i understand you want to show you care. sometimes we can be self defeating in trying to "prove" this to someone.

play the long game, here. dont over pursue or smother, but take things slowly.

do you want me to move this to the Saving board, or do you want to focus on detaching?

[msh28]

Is it too late for me to do that now (the long game)?

I have showed up a few times when she was ignoring me, I couldn't help myself... .

Every time I thought I was making progress with her she did the same things again... .

I want her back and I know she has feelings for me somewhere but she just blocks them off, I really don't get it. It's hard for me to deal with this... .

[once removed]

it takes a lot of strength and resilience to be in these relationships, msh. that involves getting grounded and level headed, and making decisions from a place of Wisemind; not getting caught up in the push/pull dynamics.

it doesnt sound like its too late. but youre going to have to affect real changes and stop the self defeating behaviors. we have a lot of great tools here on the Saving board that can help you understand her behaviors, and understand your own, and how they might be self defeating, and how to get on a healthier path. the lessons and tools are directly to the right of your screen. if you want to get on a healthier track and give this the best shot you can, i think the most important thing you can do for yourself is dive into them.

i think a good place to start would be here:

Tools: The Do's and Don'ts for a BPD relationship
It takes a great deal of strength to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.  Other important points: Realistic Expectations; Accepting the Role of "Emotional Caretaker"; Protection; Preserve Your Emotional Health; Understanding Your Motivations. Read about these key points.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
 

[msh28]

It's been a month since she broke up with me and since then it's been block/unblock on Facebook and WhatsApp etc. Then when I finally feel I'm making progress and getting her to open up to me again she does this.

She's ignoring my messages on WhatsApp at the moment, just reading them and not replying. She also said 'move on' after last night. But why is she still keeping communication open? Is that good or bad? Have I done too much damage already?

[once removed]

msh, you are enmeshed in the push/pull dynamics and not seeing the bigger picture here.

you havent done too much damage, but you will if you dont stop the self defeating behaviors. she is communicating to you that she needs space. read no more or less into that. use the time to work on yourself, and review the lessons we have here. they will help.

[msh28]

My point is though that how do I know she isn't seeing anybody else?

She acts like she isn't interested but then when I'm with her she can't resist kissing me.

I don't get it. Am I waiting around for something that's never going to happen? Or for her new guy to make a mistake?

Just to clarify, we have been broken up for just over a month... .

[once removed]

youve described nothing that gives cause to believe shes seeing someone else. shes said she isnt. could she be? sure. but right now thats all you have to go by.

youre not powerless in this, and you dont have to wait. theres a lot to be learned, and you can use your time bettering yourself, getting grounded, learning more about the disorder, and getting back to the confident, upbeat guy she fell for in the first place.

if you do those things and it still doesnt work out, i assure you that youll save yourself a lot of heartache, have some skills and tools to take to future relationships, and be grateful that you maintained your dignity even years from now.

[msh28]

As long as she has kept communication open does that mean there's a chance for me to see her again? Even if she's said move on and she isn't replying to my messages?

Also, what would you recommend I read to learn more about what I shouldn't do? i.e chasing her... etc.

Those are just normal reactions are they not? I mean, she's adamant I'm doing the wrong things all the time but those are just normal responses, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

[once removed]

showing up at her work and home is over pursuing. if shes telling you youre doing the "wrong things" and you continue doing them, its a violation of her boundaries.

we often employ self defeating behaviors in these relationships, even with the best of intentions.

as far as reading a bit more about why some of this behavior is self defeating, we have a good poll and discussion here. youll see that lots of us have fallen into these dynamics. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307516.0

[msh28]

I just want to know whether the damage has been done now with me showing up quite a few times or if I can still salvage anything.

Maybe I'm mad for wanting that but I do feel there is some chemistry between us and I don't understand how she can just turn her feelings on and off whenever she wants to... .

Can I still redeem myself or is it too late, with her saying move on?

[once removed]

its never too late to improve the situation. thats not a guarantee for reconciling the relationship, but it will give it the best shot possible. right now improving the situation is about stopping the bleeding and not making things worse. she wants space. if you give it to her, it may prompt her, in some time, to reach out, at which point you want to be centered and grounded, armed with new skills and tools, and appearing desirable, like the guy she fell for in the first place.

[Pedro]

Hello msh28,

please take on board what once removed and Emotions are advising here. Be kind to yourself, I know it's easier said than done believe me I do.  Focus on yourself do things for yourself & discover who you are as a person. Let your ex see the person they were attracted to & fell for.  Don't expect a reconciliation, but your chances are improved by doing things for yourself.
My ex g with BPD has a new bf all be it long distance currently, until she meets him in July, but I'm hoping she'll see & be able to reflect on what a good decent & attractive person I am whilst she's there & what's she's giving up. But for me like you there's no guarantees & it pains me to say it.
My ex is my soul mate, life partner somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, & I ain't looking through rose tinted glasses either. I'm learning every day via this website about her condition, it's giving me therapy & understanding that I did nothing wrong despite my ex g dropping me after 6 years this April.

I gave everything to support her, I became lost as a person because her illness took everything out of me. I am learning tools for my own self esteem & self awareness & understanding of the illness. But you know we may reconcile & if we do I have learned so much that will make it better more fulfilling relationship, & if not then so be it. But please back off & give her space.

Good luck.

[msh28]

So let her contact me first? What if she doesn't? She hasn't initiated contact since we were together it was always me.

[Pedro]

Just let her do this in her own time & way if & when she's ready. You have to be patient here if you're not already. Don't be needy & smothering her, back off give her space okay?

[msh28]

I am trying man it's hard...

What if she never contacts me? it's possible... .

If this is her idea of love then I dunno what hate would be like... .

[Pedro]

I know it's hard dude I really do I understand  None of us can predict the future or what will/won't happen. We do learn things about ourselves when in these intense difficult times, but try & take on board what others are advising here to give you a better chance of reconciliation, that's all I can say.

[Emotions]

Msh stay strong it gets better in a couple of weeks. NO STORM LASTS FOREVER. Get up and go for a run, or call a family member and talk there ear off. If you really need to chat about this message me and we can talk. I am in the same boat but I'm not gonna let it sink, I will keep myself afloat and focus on ME as much as I do her. You needed her in your life for some reason, but think of her as a toy you wanted in the store when you were young and your parent said no. It's not your choice anymore. Eat the poop sandwich each day until it starts to taste better. Hang in there and train your mind to focus on something other than her. Be strong and be the charioteer of your thoughts.

[msh28]

I loved her more than anyone I've ever been with before so that's why it's so hard and I don't know why, maybe it was her BPD that made me love her more I dunno... .

It's just sick and twisted and more than I could ever understand. I've tried, I've read so many different books looking for the answers and I'm still confused at how she could 'love me' one day and the next completely switch off her feelings and end it with me.

Then, meet up with me on four different days over the last month since we've been broken up, make me feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with her, then toss it all away again saying the same things... .

It's always my fault for everything. I can't get my head around it. I just want her back, like before. Will she feel this way in every one of her relationships (same chemistry) or is it actually different with me? Or maybe she's just good at acting, I don't know... .

[Emotions]

I'll be back in a bit, I'm going to go get a pizza. This is a victory to me that I'm starting to have an appetite. See even stuff like this is a big deal to me. I'm thinking constantly about her and clinically depressed, while she has no idea and is out laughing and loving another. I love her but f that. I love my self respect and sanity just as much. For a while get a pencil and paper and write down your thoughts, both good and bad. Peace hang tight and know that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Sweat this one out until you become equal to her in your mind. Do you have any other alternative? If someone you cared about was treated like this, what advice would you give them? And be honest  if someone treated my mom like this I would try to sabotage her relationship that's all I'm saying. Peace hang tight.

[msh28]

It seemed likely to me that she was seeing someone else but every time I asked the obvious she point blank denied it and got pissed off saying she had sworn on her mum's life she wasn't (she loves her mum and her mums ill) but does that change anything IF she is, like the definition of BPD, a compulsive liar?

It seemed like she was stringing me along just coming to visit me when she had spare time to kill (when new man isn't around) like Saturday night for example. I couldn't even call her, she'd insist on calling me but only after her Mum went to bed. She lives with her Mum, I can't see her being THAT busy with only her Mum in the house... .

Wasn't replying to text messages straight away, was taking like half an hour at least to reply to one and even when she was at work when she would usually reply straight away she was taking ages.

Does it sound like I'm right or am I just being stupid? Despite the fact she said she "swears on her mum's life"?

[Emotions]

Apparently the post moved, I was under the impression that you guys have broken up. A half an hour is not that long of time (It can feel long when your used to getting an immediate response) mine would go 12 hours without a response. I would get another opinion other than mine because she might be telling the truth. Keep the light in love just protect yourself also. I'll be around. Peace

[msh28]

We have broken up but I'd like to think she still has some feelings for me at least, especially after telling me she loved me the other day. I dunno if she does but every thing I seem to do is wrong... .

She says I haven't given her space but I'm panicking because she has BPD so I was under the impression she would of just forgotten about me with all of these defence mechanisms she has.

I don't know if I should even bother hoping, she's been so nasty to me I just felt like there was something special between us and she's thrown it away.

We broke up a month ago and there have been periods of her texting me, ignoring me, blocking me, replying to my texts again, but I'm not sure what the point in it is. I'm not sure how I can rekindle it and make her see that I am a decent guy and she's letting it all go to waste.

[msh28]

It hurts that she doesn't think of me like I think of her... .How is it so easy for her to just walk away?

Since we broke up its been me initiating every form of contact and if I didn't text her I don't think she would ever text me. It's kind of like I'm begging her for something but I can't help it, I can't help hoping that she still feels something for me and that she's reminded of me by some things.

It's so hard not to send her a message but I can't do it in the fear that she will ignore me.

[once removed]

success or failure will not be based on "triggering her abandonment fears". abandonment fears are deep seated, part of a deep seated belief system, and not necessarily conscious.

and this really is about us, not our partners. its about our self defeating behaviors. while it is expected that our partners have real limitations, the vast majority are not clinically BPD, but have traits. in other words, there is plenty of capacity for change. it takes one person to stop the bleeding and not make things worse. that can improve things a lot on their end. ideally, our partners follow our lead. sometimes, regardless of BPD, relationships still fail for valid reasons.

it is true that the goal here should be to get healthy - thats a no lose proposition. its also true that sometimes the relationship satisfaction changes for one or both partners as a result.

msh28, ruminating is a natural response to trauma, and god knows i talked everyone around me silly, but i think its diminishing your ability to take in advice and make grounded decisions. you might want to open a separate thread for ruminating and questions, and another for learning, taking in advice, working the tools, a plan going forward, and letting us know how we can best support you.