Hurt again...

[GuySmiley]

Sounds like she's projecting. Basically her saying she can't trust you is her way of knowing you can't trust her but she can't begin to paint herself in a negative light so projects her faults on to you - regardless of their validity.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

How am I supposed to get her back without explaining my side of the story?

thats a fair question. i have to ask though, how many times are you willing to do it as opposed to trying something new, when it isnt working?

BPD involves a general belief system that is distrusting of others by nature. if you were going to convince her of anything, you would have by now.

are you ready to try something new?

[msh28]

What else can I actually try?

Somebody said trigger their abandonment or whatever, but can that be done after you've been discarded?

I don't feel like anything I do actually has an impact and when I try to get through to her she just turns it all back around on me every time, like she can't accept any of the blame.

[Skip]

Somebody said trigger their abandonment or whatever, but can that be done after you've been discarded?

She doesn't trust you. Are you thinking triggering her fear is a way to build trust?

Why doesn't she trust you - what happened?

[GuySmiley]

Somebody said trigger their abandonment or whatever, but can that be done after you've been discarded?

But she hasn't been abandoned. You have. Or at least that's what it feels like. She's put you on hold until her latest relationship breaks down, then more than likely you'll be recycled.

You certainly haven't abandoned her, you're there for her 24/7 if she's only just let you.

You have to move on with your life and let her go - stop chasing and being there for her. Stop replying or validating her attempts at communication. Essentially you have to abandon her for her to even notice the hole that's in her life now you're gone.

It's counterintuitive to what you want, as if you abandon her you'll never be together - but that's why we're all here - none of the actions associated with BPDs make any sense - which is also why so many of us are shredded inside from trying to make sense of their crazy.

[Skip]

It's counterintuitive to what you want, as if you abandon her you'll never be together - but that's why we're all here - none of the actions associated with BPDs make any sense - which is also why so many of us are shredded inside from trying to make sense of their crazy.

Human nature isn't logical, GuySmiley. Two days ago msh28 was thinking about using revenge - yet he wants his girlfriend back.  Is he crazy?  Or is he emotionally flooded.

pwBPD traits get emotionally flooded more easier than most and they act the way emotionally flooded people act.

Clearly, msh28 is crowding her and invalidating her, and being needy and she is backing off. That is to be expected.

But before that happened, she drifted off, and if there is any hope of reconnecting, there has to be some understanding of why? The crowding her and invalidating her, and being needy was added on top of the original problem.

The key to making sense of any of this is to think back at all the clues she has given and see what is bothering her. There have be periodic fights - what is it all about?

[GuySmiley]

Human nature isn't logical, GuySmiley. Two days ago msh28 was thinking about using revenge - yet he wants his girlfriend back.  Is he crazy?  Or is he emotionally flooded.

pwBPD traits get emotionally flooded more easier than most and they act the way emotionally flooded people act.

Clearly, msh28 is crowding her and invalidating her, and being needy and she is backing off. That is to be expected.

But before that happened, she drifted off, and if there is any hope of reconnecting, there has to be some understanding of why? The crowding her and invalidating her, and being needy was added on top of the original problem.

The key to making sense of any of this is to think back at all the clues she has given and see what is bothering her. There have be periodic fights - what is it all about?

I personally think you're giving BPDs too much leeway here.

A huge percentage of us on these boards have been discarded and more often than not it's because we've simply run our course in regards to being useful to our BPDs. To look for reasons or excuses to me is folly as they simply move the goal posts whenever we try to pin them down.

We've all had periodic fights with our exes - fights that have left us completely perplexed as to why they happened plus how could they have happened with people who we were once so close to. Fights that brew up out of nowhere and for really petty reasons. And the real reason they do brew up is because they project whatever current fear or negative feelings that have about themselves onto us and we push back, often bewildered, usually overcompensating in an attempt to show them how wrong they are and how loved they really are and it all snowballs.

msh28 wanted revenge a couple of days ago, now he's trying to understand and find reason or a way through it - and thats 100% natural - there's no one box you can assign your feeling to when going through this as they shift all the time.

I don't think it's right to try and validate the feelings of BPDs because I don't see them as victims here - I see them as selfish, childish opportunists who use up and spit out those who get attached to them. They simply don't have the emotional intelligence of regular adults to do the decent thing and let someone go once they've broken up. They have zero empathy for anyone outside their head and they have a complete lack of object consistency, so out of sight truly is out of mind.

[Skip]

msh28 wanted revenge a couple of days ago, now he's trying to understand and find reason or a way through it - and thats 100% natural - there's no one box you can assign your feeling to when going through this as they shift all the time.

He is trying to find a way to Save a relationship. This is not a Detaching or Conflicted board.

Let's support him in his objectives.

[msh28]

I don't quite understand the JADE thing and how it's supposed to help because how can I get her back if we don't talk about the issues that caused her to leave me in the first place (which were stupid to be honest) but she can't see that. She's so stubborn she never ever changes her mind. Makes me feel so worthless.

[heartandwhole]

Hi msh28,

It can be really difficult to not jade when we are hurting so much, but it's such a helpful skill. When your feelings are more stable, you can start trying to communicate differently than you have been.

Listening with empathy is an extremely important skill when in a relationship with someone with BPD, because many have a high sensitivity and need for emotional support:

Listen with Empathy

If you'd like to work on not JADEing, we have a workshop here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Which skill do you think will be the most helpful for your situation right now, msh28?

heartandwhole

[msh28]

Even more so when she's blatantly lying to me. I'm pretty sure she's seeing someone possibly even while we were still together but she will nt admit it.

What is the point now in just saying, I'm seeing somebody else?

[AtticWisdom]

Hi msh28,

So, from my personal experience and from some of what I've read from others, pwBPD really, REALLY like to have umbrellas... .And by that, I guess I mean rainy-day intimate partners. And by"like," I mean "need." And why not? It's almost practical. When we're hurting, we all can see the sense in having someone we know intimately around to validate our feelings. It's just that these people tend to be romantic partners with pwBPD. So, whether or not she is seeing someone else and there is some uncertainty, or she really just needs​ some space and is practically incapable of doing it, she is keeping the lines of communication open so that she can get that emotional validation when she needs it. But right now, it's only when she needs it, not when you need it. And you're conveniently keeping those lines open yourself, so she has constant access on those occasions when she feels she needs it.

My GF, for instance, practically has a harem of ex-boyfriends and current male friends. When she feels that our relationship is insecure (and sometimes that means too secure) she turns to them for support. No more than that, as far as I know... .But even then, it can be unhealthy. Some of those old relationships were extremely toxic, but they are always there, waiting for her should she feel the need to jettison our relationship.

Right now, I think that's what you are. And that doesn't mean she won't come back to you, I really can't say. Like I said, it may be that she really just actually needs space but doesn't know how to do that. But try to heed the advice that all these experienced and caring people are giving you--don't count on her coming back, focus on yourself. Ironically it might improve the chance that she will come back, but you really need to put that out of your mind if you can. If she does come back, be aware that it might not be the charmed affair that you knew before and can't forget.

[wendydarling]

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The post originators is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.  Have a great day.