Getting over the post breakup drama

[Owen]

Hi. I'm not sure what to write but the site encouraged writing something... .I've been broken up with by a woman who has  potential BPD and I'm just having trouble dealing with the post breakup drama, the hurtful things being said, the things intending to hurt, and the subtle back and forth between that and some sweet things. It's overwhelming and feels nice to just be able to be in a community where I can read more about other people's similar experiences and how they dealt with them.

Thanks.

[Turkish]

Hello Owen,

What kinds of things is she saying that are hurtful, and how long have you been broken up?

T

[Owen]

What kinds of things is she saying that are hurtful, and how long have you been broken up?

We've been separated for several weeks - initially a complete break on my call, but she quickly convinced me to try to make things work. I decided to separate because of several extremely heated situations that got more and more aggressive, vindictive, and eventually physical. After she implored me to try to make things work, and moved to another city, we continued a LDR, but her reactions to what in my mind were very small situations were increasingly dramatic and painting a negative picture of me - and eventually she ended things, officially is her claim, this week.

She will say things that insult my home, my income, my relationships with friends and family, and suggest I am broken and in need of help... .also making claims of how stupid she was for having wanted to be with me in the first place, telling me of all the other men she has as options. Effectively, it seems, anything she can say to try to get me to engage and get a rise out of me.

Of course it also has been the case that every few days, our future has looked bright, if we "could just work on things" as she puts it. She insists I need to accept my faults so that we can move forward.

I've gone from being the love of her life to being a complete loser in her eyes, and it seems like to varying degrees this has been a dynamic that's been going on for several months. We were together for almost a year.

The hard part for me is how much I was wanting to work on those things. How in love we (it seemed) were. Or possibly still are? I can't accept the ups and the downs and the intense drama, the devaluing, and the sheer horrid things she's capable of saying to me. But I keep thinking about the wonderful times, especially near the beginning, which even alternated between these terrible times - and I feel like nobody has ever made me feel that wonderful before and it's hard to picture anyone doing it again.

I know that's actually nonsense, but it's how it feels and it's a new feeling for me, which is why I've looked to this community to see what others experiences have been in similar situations.

[Turkish]

Kudos for standing strong on knowing what's unacceptable.  Constructive criticism can be healthy, but insults (especially on most of the aspects of your life--- who you are) is not healthy. If I were to totally step back here, pretending to be an outsider who knew nothing of BPD, i might say to her,  "if he's that bad,  why do you want to be with him?" This is part of what's going on with her:

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

see here for more. 

It's hard to understand the love/hate dynamic, but realizing that for the most part it's an unhealthy defense mechanism can help.  It can feel like survival,  and if it's worked for them,  the behavior continues.

[naguma]

Go NC, she will probably call you. At which point, stonewall her. Give zero emotional response to anything she says to bait you, or anything else for that matter (credit to Spartanlifecoach). The last conversation my ex and I had was her casting blame over and over again, then telling me I was changing the subject. Every time she cast blame or said I was changing the subject, I would respond quite calmly "I only want to talk about our cat" (probably repeated this once every minute). After roughly 45 minutes she hung up screaming incoherently (it was rather wild). She realized the well was empty and her emotional outlet was gone.
Apparently, it is not a forever fix (hence being on the boards again). It did however work for a few years and this recycle attempt will probably be short lived.

[Owen]

see here for more. 

It's hard to understand the love/hate dynamic, but realizing that for the most part it's an unhealthy defense mechanism can help.  It can feel like survival,  and if it's worked for them,  the behavior continues.

Thanks Turkish, I'm reading this over the next while. I've been looking for lots to read.

naguma, I have been NC for a few days now. The energy has switched from the pure anger and meanness of a few days ago, to sending a message about what it was that she wanted from me in the relationship all along, to a message that recalls a sweet memory we have. It's as if she hasn't remembered that forty eight hours ago I was a sad pathetic loser in her eyes and she made no mistake to be clear about that to me! The back and forth hurts in a different kind of way that the meanness does, but it all hurts.

It only hurts unless it's good. And when it's good I forget about any of the hurt.

I still have and will do my best, but it's hard to maintain NC when it feels like an olive branch is being extended. I still feel deep love for this woman. It's very hard.