Half a year on from the break up...,..

[Hash]

Hi all,

Well it has been 6 and a half months since my undiagnosed probable BPD ex left me so suddenly after our engagement party and holiday booking, and I just wanted to see if people felt similar or to offer words of encouragement to those maybe just finding out about BPD.

I don't think that I am honestly 100% over her, she pops up in my mind and stays there for a day or 2 after not being in my thoughts for a few days.  I know I still love the woman now my anger has dissipated and I probably always will however I accept the situation for what it is.

I have definitely had a smear campaign, been painted black and even told I am "evil" by my ex, which was heartbreaking when all I ever did was love the woman and her kids. She has devalued me good and proper and apart from collecting my things we have had no contact since about 2 weeks after the split.

I won't ramble but here are a few short things that people should try and remember, these things help me to go on in my life with the hopes of meeting the illusive "one";

Love yourself first and foremost
Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made (within reason of course) because we are only human.
Set yourself goals in life
Don't waste time hating your ex it's only slowing your recovery down
Cry if you need to, i still do occasionally after 6 months, it helps me to realise that my love was genuine
Don't expect family and friends to understand what you have gone through, they may try but they cannot from my experience

With those things being said I would give my ex one more chance if she ever does decide to reengage which seems unlikely, but I would do it on my terms, but I would be a better version of me from my experience with her, i guess those who do get reengaged have a choice to make, but I would definitely be making it clear that there would be no third chance to get it right, I genuinely believe 2 people can learn from mistakes so I know the relationship would be different because I would be, but it takes 2 to tango.

Bottom line guys and girls it gets easier but its not entirely smooth sailing either, just be kind to yourself and don't spend time worrying about what you can't change.

[Owen]

Thank you for sharing - it's good to know these situations are not isolated and we're not alone in our experiences with this kind of thing.

[CloseToFreedom]

Good tips! Although I have one advise: don't try again if she ever re engages. Ive been gone for 2,5 years now and lastyear she tried to recycle me, then when she left my replacement earlier this year I finally fell for it. It was two weeks heaven, then two weeks uncertainties, then the disgard again. It set me back a good bit and Im slowly recovering again. Without her doing years of extensive therapy nothing will change and the 'new you' will be quickly destroyed again as she will lovebomb at first, losing your process, walls and good judgement, only for the same terrible habits to resurface again.

Of course I didnt want to listen to all the advice and fell for the recycle so I guess you have to find out yourself if the day ever comes. But I plea to you: dont fall for it.

[Harley Quinn]

Thank you so much for your post.  It's great to see that things get easier and that you have a good strategy in the bag.  Personally I feel I wouldn't accept a recycle now under any circumstances other than he has completed therapy and is considered in recovery.  I'd be too afraid of the same patterns emerging and undoing all my hard work in my own recovery.  Now I'm on this path of evolution I'm sticking to it and won't let anything deter me... .  Although I can't think of anything more difficult (after ending a BPD relationship and surviving that of course) than turning down an opportunity to reunite if it were on the table.  That's why I'm working so hard to build my life and strength so that I'll be capable of declining that unless there is significant, in fact massive change on his part too.  A relationship takes equal input and effort to be healthy.  I want to be better than I am and would expect any future partner to be in the same emotional place as I will be.  That's the plan anyway 

Keep up the amazing work and keep sharing your success!

Love and light x

[hopealways]

Hi all,

Well it has been 6 and a half months since my undiagnosed probable BPD ex left me so suddenly after our engagement party and holiday booking, and I just wanted to see if people felt similar or to offer words of encouragement to those maybe just finding out about BPD.

I don't think that I am honestly 100% over her, she pops up in my mind and stays there for a day or 2 after not being in my thoughts for a few days.  I know I still love the woman now my anger has dissipated and I probably always will however I accept the situation for what it is.

I have definitely had a smear campaign, been painted black and even told I am "evil" by my ex, which was heartbreaking when all I ever did was love the woman and her kids. She has devalued me good and proper and apart from collecting my things we have had no contact since about 2 weeks after the split.

I won't ramble but here are a few short things that people should try and remember, these things help me to go on in my life with the hopes of meeting the illusive "one";

Love yourself first and foremost
Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made (within reason of course) because we are only human.
Set yourself goals in life
Don't waste time hating your ex it's only slowing your recovery down
Cry if you need to, i still do occasionally after 6 months, it helps me to realise that my love was genuine
Don't expect family and friends to understand what you have gone through, they may try but they cannot from my experience

With those things being said I would give my ex one more chance if she ever does decide to reengage which seems unlikely, but I would do it on my terms, but I would be a better version of me from my experience with her, i guess those who do get reengaged have a choice to make, but I would definitely be making it clear that there would be no third chance to get it right, I genuinely believe 2 people can learn from mistakes so I know the relationship would be different because I would be, but it takes 2 to tango.

Bottom line guys and girls it gets easier but its not entirely smooth sailing either, just be kind to yourself and don't spend time worrying about what you can't change.

I often wonder if a truly healthy or healed person would ever want to get back with a BPDx or do anything other than run away from someone who exhibits signs of BPD.

[blueblue12]

I also got the recycle, it didn't last long at all, two weeks? Even after a few days I could see trouble. Now she is trying again, telling me sweet things but then going quiet again. Weird. At the end lots of sweet words but the action? Not there. I am too afraid to go back as I feel a lot more settled now. I don't even want to see her. I am not in a position yet where upon I could handle seeing her, anywhere! Let alone have dinner and a drink! I feel that it's over, but it is hard... .

[DazedD40]

I went through D&:) last year for the umpteenth time and went in to NC for close to 3 months. I started to detatch and got back on track and created a fresh start for myself, I started dating and really got her out of my emotions and thoughts with the help of this board and my friends. I swore blind I would never ever go back.

One night she decided to contact me again and off I went on the merry go round again. I said to myself, I can do this, I know her and the games, I can see the red flags a mile off all due to my past relationship with her. I swore blind I wouldn't change any aspect of my life for her and that I'd run the moment my gut instinct told me something was wrong. Here I now sit after another break up and devalue and wait for another discard. Did I stay true to my word about not making any changes and not ignoring the red flags? Did I muck!

I'm not saying the inevitable that I am experiencing again will befall anyone if they go back and fall for the charm but I tell you something, tread very bloody carefully if you do and don't ignore any your own instincts.

I say the above but I know I'd go back again, hell im still stuck in a twisted FWB scenario because of the struggle to let go!

[asiyah93]

"I often wonder if a truly healthy or healed person would ever want to get back with a BPDx or do anything other than run away from someone who exhibits signs of BPD."

I won't say I'm truly healed, Dazed, but I would never want to go back with my BPDx and I'd definitely run away from someone exhibiting signs. I have a lot of empathy BUT I notice that my empathy is very limited and very low with people who have PDs. I'm an empath so I guess it's true: I take on the ways of others, and if others are low in empathy, I tend to be low in empathy with them. Empathy is an important part of interpersonal relationships and I can't see myself ever clicking with a BPD person again (unless they hide it VERY well).

[Hash]

Hey guys,

Thanks for all your replies, after I posted I took a break from the site and tried to start getting my life in order, some good advice about not going back (not that she has given me the option but I wanted to take the time to say thank you for your replies and I hope your all on the healing path.

I wonder if it is possible to heal 100%?

[Harley Quinn]

I was once concerned about suicide attempts my exBPDbf was making on a regular basis and was speaking with a mental health nurse on a helpline.  I mentioned he had said that next time he would cut horizontally instead of vertically across his wrist and was worried that (as he would disappear to do these things to himself) he may not be found in time and it would be irreparable. 

Her response was "any wound can be fixed".

Somehow those words have stayed with me.  I believe it applies to emotional wounds too.  With the right intervention, any wound can be fixed.  So yes, I do think it is possible to heal 100%.  It may mean digging deep and facing some uncomfortable facts, but we can heal.

How are you doing these days?

Love and light x