I get the angry tears

[panhead67]

hi
 I read that intense anger is a normal process of grief, but today its overwhelming. In the home I grew up in , I wasn't allowed to say no, or have a voice. wasn't protected,valued or validated. I really felt i was never taught anything, and went through life just with very little understanding. I have an opportunity now to learn to become whole, and not just feel this hole inside that my ex filled.
I am now willing to do these things for myself.
Maybe I don't feel comfortable being angry, but it's too intense to observe. I had been working for months on the lessons, and meditations of forgiveness and letting go. I cried til I didn't know if I could cry anymore, and made the choice for love and forgiveness, for my life. I can choose to have gratitude, and have moments where I feel relatively happy.(it was goin good til I had to see my ex loved one again)
Long story short, I ended up staying at my place of employment(when he got relocated), then three weeks ago he returned for a couple of weeks, and now has gone on to another
location. I am trying to cope with the aftermath. I may see him sporadically, I had to today briefly, just an hour as our shifts overlapped.

Seeing him shakes me, after the third week, I almost broke down crying in front of him. Hearing his voice made me feel sick. I was repulsed, and I guess that is a good thing in actuality. But, I feel as though I have relapsed or backtracked in my healing. I don't wan't to be bitter over the lies and cant stop the intermittent ruminating on how he was sharing his body, and spirit with someone else... I cant even look at him. It hurts so badly.Yet now, it is only my thoughts that hurt me, because its in the past.
When I recycled in Feb. he told me he has been diagnosed at different times with bipolar, schizophrenia and dissassociative disorder. I knew he had a personality disorder of some kind. He refuses meds.so there is no hope for any change to happen. I am grief stricken, its exhausting, and at times I feel inconsolable and missing that first 7 months we shared together, longing for my best friend, a person that doesn't exist. The positive side is I am learning to develop self care, love, and be my own best friend. But I am in such pain, at times it feels unbearable. I am so lonely for him, I don't know why he is the only person in my life that relieved the loneliness I carry. As the months go by since the last recycle,it seems to get harder, I want to choose self respect and healing over anything.This is one of the hardest things I've ever been through, and still going through.

[Idsrvt2]

Hello, I can relate ... .I see mine too ... he knew so much about my physical health... .  today I got so tired of crying... .we are in a very faint weather pattern and it makes me hurt even more... .

Mine told me he has a personality disorder and depression... .he took out a protective order in me and I see him in court again in July...

This is the most difficult thing to ever process

Yesterday I went out sloje and memories of our last date haunted me... .it was like I saw us in those streets kissing and hugging And laughing... .I laid her tonite and recalled when he traveled and wishe I was with him... .that day was rainy too... .he seemed to care so much for me and then turned like a snake... .

My councilor said often anger is easier to deal with than hurt... I found when I was angry I functioned better... .   

Sorry you are dealing with this

[Mutt]

Hi panhead67,



I can relate with your post. I remember feeling worried when I felt like I was doing good, even great for awhile and then feeling like my ex reopened my wound. She told me that she was pregnant with his kid, we were separated with no reconciliation but still married. Again I felt like I was set back when she had her baby.

Each of these set backs surprised me with how it felt like it was a punch in the gut and I felt depressed, I recovered quicker with each one though, what I mean by that is that these setbacks didn't send me reeling like at the onset of the r/s. I think that you need more time behind you.

[Icefog]

More time behind you and staying on your healing journey will be the best for you. I know it is for me. I have had these intense feelings of anger and still have them... .I like them better than sadness or that lonely feeling as they are more manageable. I also have constant memories and have to see my ex BPD at work occasionally which is painful but the more NC I have and the more clarity I have about who she really is helps me. She can put up a facade for whoever publicly but I know who she is and what she's about and the truth cannot be denied. I hang onto that when times get rough and look at the mess she creates and the mess she lives in. I stay in that spot less and less as I heal and then focus on me.

[panhead67]

hey guys,

This board is really the only place I have for support, sharing, and understanding.Thanks for your insight, sharing experiences and hope. Truly a lifeline for me in this present moment.

[Mutt]

Hi panhead67,

I'm happy to help