Struggling to cope

[Ozchick]

1year into new relationship and it's crumbling. He seems to have two persons, Mr chatty social, and Mr angry illogical. It's taken me a while to work out what was going on. That despite my best efforts it's not getting better. I've invested much in this man, and his kids. About to pull pin on  I can't handle any more

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JohnLove]

Hi Ozchick, in my experience the first round of a BPD relationship tends to have a typical "lifespan" of 18 months... .seems you're right on schedule. Sorry.

I have been in a relationship with a pwBPD for 5 years, bonded with her children, and can relate to what you posted. People suffering BPD tend to compartmentalise their thinking to the point where it can look like multiple personality disorder when they "switch" their thinking.

There are many tools on this website that will help whether you decide to end things with him or stay in the relationship. I'd encourage you to read through and take a look at the video's.

As with any problem understanding will go a long way... .

[naguma]

Some psychiatrist said, BPD relationships last either 15 months or 15 years (forget the psychiatrist that said this, sorry). So yeah, John is right - you are right on track.
This is what I learned via trial and error not knowing what BPD is. Stay out late with friends, but not overly late. Have something planned for the next day that he will like (tickets to a game?). When you get home, he will be angry and possibly giving the silent treatment. Complain about your night out with your friends, don't say you missed him. But the good news is you got these tickets.
If he refuses to go to whatever you had planned, go anyways. He may rage afterwards, but he will be more willing to do things you suggest in the future.
The next time you have plans with friends, invite him. Afterwards, compliment him on how fun he was.
A week or two later, go out with friends again but tell him it's a ladies night. Let him know all the small details and answer any call or text immediately. Also have planned with your friends to do something the day after with him. Say something like "We are going to dinner tonight, but so and so wanted you to go hiking with us tomorrow. They seem to really like having you around.", make the second part about him.

When/if he goes out with his friends, make plans for yourself that night. It will keep his mind on you. Be home before him, if there is any sex that night make sure he initiates and be reluctant (you didn't miss him). Otherwise, roll over after saying evening and go back to sleep.

pwBPD have two states, hot and cold - obsession and dismissal. If you can bring these types of behaviors into other aspects of your relationship, he will be obsessed with you nearly full time. As a bonus, his behavior will be at it's most charismatic when with your friends.

[Ozchick]

There are many tools on this website that will help whether you decide to end things with him or stay in the relationship. I'd encourage you to read through and take a look at the video's.

As with any problem understanding will go a long way... .
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Thanks for hearing me. If you've lasted 5 years you must k ow about all the resources and worked out how to use them well. I'm reading a lot and hurting a lot. A d wondering why I made so many allowances when he split and treated me so poorly. I do think usually tolerate that sort of behaviour as I it's making g me even more confused.