How to set up boundaries after conflict.

[Edenk96]

Hey fam,

I'm writing to get some advice on how install some personal boundaries and non-negotiables with my SO.

If you haven't read my last post, you should go and do that so you understand my situation. Here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310330.0

So me and my SO, yes, are currently broken up. This is the first time we split up and we never even fought in all of our relationship until last week as she is under an intense amount of stress as your probably read in my last post. I have a great feeling that this is not the end. That me might be getting back together, although there really isn't much of a way to know the future. But IF we do I want to set up some boundaries and limits that will protect my values of how I deserve to be treated.

Some of the boundaries I've come up with is:

No cheating. This I already told her when we first started dating. It's a pretty common one.

I will not tolerate emotional abuse, or manipulation. Things like being blamed for things like making her problems worse. Like I'm not going to take responsibility for her feelings, her feelings are her feelings and her Behavior or is her  behaviour. I've accepted that there is nothing I can do to change her only she can get better on her own. I know that I can't stop the abuse or manipulation because it's the nature of BPD. But I would like to set some boundaries to have a healthy relationship that's not recurring break ups and make ups. I want to avoid that cycle as much as possible.

How do I communicate to her that I don't want to be treated negatively the way she has in our last fight? Without triggering a rage?

I've veen doing so much research on this lately and I'm trying to come up with a good way to introduce these boundaries in a way that validates her feelings and behaviours, (not necessarily as acceptable but the fact that she has them) and further communicate what you won't tolerate. And I feel like this would be said during a rage or burst of feelings or whatever you wanna to call it.

But I'd like to know what I'm supposed to do when she rages, like for example, if our last fight over me calling the cops occurred again, how would I react differently? What should I say when she tries to manipulate my feelings, when she projects her unaccepted behaviours on to me? When she's blaming me?

****How do I say CALM and simply state my values and then give her space without causing more conflict?****

Because I know I can't ignore her hurtful comments and feelings, I have to somehow validate it without engaging myself into unjustified guilt, and allow her some space to calm down and process things.

im sorry I probably asked the same question a thousand different ways just now. Haha

Any ideas? Or anything that has worked for you? Please let me know.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Edenk96,

I'm getting the sense that you're finding it difficult to cope with FOG and rages? You're asking good questions about boundaries, what do you typically do now so that we know what needs to be worked on? Let's say that she's raging for an hour, what do you do?

[Edenk96]

Well who doesn't? When she says that "my exs may have raped me and beat me and verbally abused me but atleast they didn't try to lock me up on my birthday." And some more sh** that doesn't make any sense. I don't think I'm the only one who would be hurt by that... .

Well our first fight one week ago before the big one, I communicated to her that I
was worried about her, and that I was scared of losing her to suicide. And blah blah. And she flipped out and said I was trying to twist all her issues and make it about me. And I chose her lowest time to do this, and bunch of things.

This is how I reacted:
I stated that wasn't was I was trying to do.
I stated that I was worried
And I didn't know what was going on (because didn't text me for like 18 hours after she went to the hospital to visit her friend in the hospital that was dying. Because iq as worried that she would become suicidal from all the stress of a another friend going down.)
I apologized and felt unjustified guilt and blamed myself.

But in the bid fight I didn't do that,
I didn't stay calm, I broke down and both our emotions were extremely high.
Keep in mind we are communicating over text messages but she called me a few times to yell at me.
But I didn't accept the guilt,
I instead, tried explain my side.
I took whatever she said and I corrected her when I told her What My intentions actually were and my side of the story. Almost like I expected her to have empathy like she normally is able to have and use. I didn't realize it got over powered by negative feelings and behaviours.

But she called me a liar, didn't believe anything I said.

I was giving her the facts, getting the facts straight instead of focusing on her feelings first.

She called me a liar and said she didn't care what I wanted to happen and to look what I've done. She told told I only care about my own personal interests and that she will never forgive me for what I've done. She felt that I set her up and betrayed  her and that I impersonated her.

I basically just denied everything she said and but after I while I just took every word like beating from a whip... .and then eventually the conversation just went silent. 

[Edenk96]

At that point I didn't know all these tips and a lot of this information. I just stood still while getting shot at. I know I didn't deal with it right.

What can I do better?
What should I not do?

[BeagleGirl]

I'm definitely no expert, but here's one strategy that might help.  You've probably read up on SET, so I'll put it in those terms:

Support:  I want to give you the best version of myself in this relationship.  I want you to know that I will not allow my emotions to get the best of me and say and do things that will hurt you.
Empathy:  I understand that sometimes you feel like I am doing things out of selfishness and are hurt and angered by those actions.
Truth:  When you call into question my motives and listen to my responses with an openness to believe me and see the situation from another angle, I tend to react poorly and we end up hurting each other more.  From now on, when I feel that you are not open to hearing what I have to say, I will be walking away from the discussion until we are both capable of hearing one another.
Support (reprise):  Please understand that I am not walking away from you or the relationship, just the current argument.  I will come back when we are both ready.

Does that help?  Do you think something similar could be applied to setting expectations for your response to risk of self harm/suicide?

[Edenk96]

Holy crap no I haven't read up on that yet but I'm going to now.

Thank you man.

Um yes I think so. Like my response to her messages and suicide threats?

[Mutt]

Hi Edenk96,

She called me a liar and said she didn't care what I wanted to happen and to look what I've done. She told told I only care about my own personal interests and that she will never forgive me for what I've done. She felt that I set her up and betrayed  her and that I impersonated her.

I know that what she says can be really hurtful, it's not directed at you, she has unresolved issues / trauma that is projected in the present, she would have to go into therapy to recover from BPD, she may have one or several sessions a day for a year or more. That would take commitment and a lot of hard work, but pwBPD can recover from the disorder, it's not hopeless like was once thought. That being said, what she says about you doesn't define who you are, it doesn't change your self worth.

We encourage all of our members to read up on the disorder because it helps with normalizing the disorder and it helps you with depersonalizing the behaviors, what she's going through is not personal to you, this is how she survives.

A pwBPD expect that all  of the people in their lives are going to abandon them, she doesn't trust that people will not abandon her, I can see that theme in the quote above, she's also dissociating, she's changing reality to match her out of place feelings. I also know how confusing her behaviors are but there's is a fundamental logic to all the behaviors. It takes time to work through all of this for significant change, try to seperate yourself from her disorder, and don't take it personally, but you can also have feelings about how she behaves, share those feelings with people that get it because they've gone through it.

[Edenk96]

Hey mutt,

Okay so depersonalize the disorder and don't take anything personally.
I have been researching borderline for a year but actually being with a pwBPD, is a total different story. There is just so much to know. And it doesn't help that she has PTSD on top of this as well.

[Edenk96]

Reading about BPD versus physical being in a situation with a pwBPD. Is is so much harder I think.

[Mutt]

Okay so depersonalize the disorder and don't take anything personally.
I have been researching borderline for a year but actually being with a pwBPD, is a total different story.

I think that you may be trying to get ahead of things that you can't control,  for example how do I stop her from reacting? BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, a pwBPD feel feelings two thousand fold compared to the non disorder and cannot regulate or self sooth. We can't control someone else, and we shouldn't sooth them either, it is self management, so when you set boundaries you set them on someone else you set them on yourself. That being said, you are putting in some effort, you're interested in making things better 

Whatever does get through depersonalize the behavior, I'm not saying that you should sit still if your partner is unstable, you can use the tools, like empathy, validation, SET to communicate better and to make your partner feel validate and heard, but sometimes the tools don't work, at least you tried. Find something that changes the tempo around the house, go clean your car, run out for errand, go the gym etc.

[Edenk96]

Thanks mutt!

I totally read this yesterday I was just too busy to reply.

I'll take your tips into consideration

[Edenk96]

Update;

She has texted me once on Monday and once this morning. And she just apologized for ignoring everything, and nf answering me, she just as a lot of her plate and is going through a lot and can only do so much so she just needs some space.

Which is what I thought anyway. But she's definitely not made anymore. I'm pretty confident that we will be together again soon, just have to give it some time.

I've been reading book called "loving someone with BPD" by Shari Manning Ph.D
 And she has a system on how to respond to borderline behavior.

1. Regulate your own emotions
2. Validate
3. Ask/assess
4: brainstorm/trouble shoot
5: get information on your role (if any) and what you can plan on hearing about the outcome.

She says that I should practise this all the time with myself and others not even just with my SO. Just to make it automatic, something that I'll just do. This book is so good and I'd recommend it to everyone!

[Edenk96]

Also, does anyone else wish there was an app for this website?

[Tattered Heart]

I would say a biggie for me is Don't JADE or invalidate. Don't Justify Apologize Defend or Explain. If you start doing any of these things it is interpreted as you being guilty, no matter what you say. Often it will just ingrain in them further that you are the one who has done something wrong.

So when she says, "You do X because... .!" and you say, "I didn't do that (invalidation). I did X because (JADE)." In her mind, you just denied what she perceives AND you tried to make excuses for it. That is going to lead to a blow up.

A better response could be: "You do X because... .!" Your response might be: "I can see how it could be seen that way. I just want you to know that I love you and I get scared when I think of losing you." In saying this, you validate what she said. You also are able to express what you are feeling without attacking her. It honest and authentic and from the heart.

[Grey Kitty]

I will not tolerate emotional abuse, or manipulation. Things like being blamed for things like making her problems worse. [... .] How do I communicate to her that I don't want to be treated negatively the way she has in our last fight? Without triggering a rage?

This is a perfect example of the difference between a boundary you enforce and what happens when you make a rule:

Rule: Do not do "X".
Boundary enforcement: If you do "X", I will do "Y" to protect myself from "X".

In the case of a rule, you leave her the choice of whether to follow it or not. And a dysregulated pwBPD will break it pretty much every time!

In the case of a boundary, the choice (and power is yours). You choose to enforce your own boundary.

In this case, "X" is he blame, verbal abuse, negative treatment, etc., etc., etc.

And the action, "Y" to protect yourself is to remove yourself from her presence when she starts into it.

You don't stop her from raging, blaming, or anything. You just leave her to do it at the wall, the cat, or anybody but you 

NOTE: Explaining to her why and how you didn't do what she's blaming you for something isn't an action which protects you from the blaming. Don't JADE, as  Tattered Heart wrote earlier... .

No cheating. This I already told her when we first started dating. It's a pretty common one.

This kind of thing is harder to enforce a boundary on--your only real option to protect yourself is to break up with her--when you aren't in a relationship with her, she can have sex with anybody (but you!) that she wants to and she won't be cheating on you.

'Tho since you are currently broken up. I'm not sure quite how it applies, but it sounds like you expect/intend to reconcile, so it will become relevant again. I haven't read your previous posts... .if she's cheated on you before, this is a relatively big concern... .if she hasn't before, probably less of one.

[Edenk96]

Thank you!

I'm definitely going to write that down because I do that a lot which is just engaging myself into unjustified guilt.