We have been broken up for 2 months, she's told me she is sleeping with someone else

[jody452]

Hi again everyone

So I am a little torn or delusional not sure. I was with my ex for 4 years and reading so much on BPD now I see the traits of it in her, yet I still sit here and tell myself that it wasn’t really an issue. That it wasn’t that bad. That the times she yelled at me I deserved it, I hurt her so she was just lashing out.

We have been broken up for 2 months, she's told me she is sleeping with someone else but that is all that it is and that sleeping with someone doesn't change the fact that she is heart broken. I told her that it needed to be goodbye between us as the contact was killing me. She wrote back to say if this is goodbye there are a few things i have to say, all of which thanked me for our time together. So I wrote back today saying this is the last time I'll lay my heart on my sleeve. Its goodbye or its we fight for this together.

I don't know if i will get a reply. To be honest half the time I don't know if I want one. If i have the fight in me to go in for another round with her.

My question has anyone ever made it work? Am I crazy to think we could try for a 3rd time and get it right? Is BPD always going to be an issue and I’m clinging to the loving side and not admitting it is an issue.
Does anyone else have these thought’s. Am I crazy to think them? Can they change? I know this isn’t really fair to ask as each person is different or is it just set for someone with BPD to be wired in the same way and I need to get it out of my head that my ex can be any different?

[hopealways]

Yes they can change BUT with a tremendous amount of therapy which most are too afraid to go through with.

[Mavrik]

Maybe they can change, mine was a therapist herself like many are on this forum, but it's if they want to Cange, if they can accept they are BPD. Until they decide they want to, you go round and round in this spun cycle and suffer more and more pain in the hope that one day they may change. But at the back of your mind you think 'what if they don't change'

[Skip]

The Detaching Board is not the best place to look for success stories 

Most of he partners here are subclinical or have "BPD lite". They can certainly grow and change.

That said, BPD is a mindset, an inherent way of thinking, and it is with a person for life. The question becomes whether you can get to a place in a relationship that works for you.

And yes, we have success stories... .

[Duped 1]

There is a reason why many experienced therapists won't even see people with BPD. Mine told me to run from my exBPD and that I was lucky. It appears that a mutually satisfying adult relationship with a BPD is extremely rare if even possible.

[panhead67]

Can you ever make it work with them?
Good question. I think I did everything in my power to do so, but it takes 2 people to do that. I am still new here, and just sharing.

When my ex and I became very close, he would start a fight over something unimportant, flip the switch. Discard me and sleep with his roommate.(friends with benefits, though he promised they were just "best friends" Think he felt validated by this choice, because his perception was that I broke up with him. I believe its called bait and discard. It didn't matter to my ex that prior to him I hadn't been intimate with anyone for 8 years.(and what this meant to me)
I am sad that all i wanted was for him to fight for us, and show me some respect. I wanted it so bad and he was never capable of that. It was easier for him to get his needs met impulsively in the moment, whatever that may have been. He told me he has been hurt in every relationship, he was just afraid. He didn't consider my feelings, how his actions would hurt me. Someone shared on this board that "they are their own entity, free to make their own choices" for some reason this helped me.
I saw him at work the other day, and I feel/know he was testing the waters to see if he could hook me again.(trying to get sympathy for the mess he creates in his life on a daily basis) I just walked away. For me, I get it and I know I deserve better, but do I miss him? absolutely.
If he was truly willing to go on meds, get therapy, for himself, and with me, and change his living arrangements, I would try again. because I love him.actions, not words, show he takes the easy way out-every time! He is not willing, therefore, I would just be doing a groundhogs day, I don't want the pain anymore, more than I want him.

[Rayban]

We have been broken up for 2 months, she's told me she is sleeping with someone else but that is all that it is and that sleeping with someone doesn't change the fact that she is heart broken.

She's so heart broken that she's having sex with somone else.  What does she do when she isn't?


I wrote about this in another thread, but any comments about seeing or sleeping with somone else is a tale tell sign that a devaluation is taking place.

I think as soon as feel threatened by abandonment or losing an attachment they issue a preemptive strike by bringing in the fact there is someone else.

I think you would do well to stay away because in my experience the next recycle will include a discard. You do not want to experience that. It's as painfully as heck.


Contact at this point with you is maintenance. She's sleeping with somone.  Good chance that this is your replacement.  Once the attachment is secured. She might offer you friendship and keep string you along till she doesn't need you anymore.
 

[jody452]

Rayban - I know what you said is true. I saw her do it to her ex before me, with me. Its her pattern.  She will get what she needs from and and soon enough discard me probably as soon as she feels comfortable with this new girl.

So why the hell is it that rationally I know this but I still cant accept it. Why do I still cling to hope that I meant more to her than the others.

She told me that all of her ex's take a long time to let go, now I've just become another one.

So next question, how do you make yourself accept that its over? I've read a hundred pages online that this is what they do. I've lived it but I still want to believe that BPD is not an issue and that she'll come back.

[Rayban]

I went back knowing she was bad for me. I think its about learning about enforcing boundries. I've learned it starts with the simple things.  Like not breaking contact NO MATTER WHAT. How many including myself have been the ones to intiate and  then eventually be the ones to break  self inflicted NC?

[blueblue12]

I feel the same way as I could go back as she now tells me I am the 'love of her life' she 'can't live without me' etc, etc... .but deep down I know that it is not good for me. I was recycled once and it was great for a few days. At the end in my heart I know that it will never be the same again, same as the beginning I mean and I realise that I was just obsessed with her, which slowly I am detaching from. There is nothing really good there and should I forgive all the bad things she did to me including separating from me while living with me and starting a new relationship that didn't work? I guess not.