I feel guilty for giving mixed messages

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I gave mixed messages and feel terrible. The guilt is all mine, not a part of FOG, I think. Or, am I wrong?

We started out dating; he said he couldn't be in a relationship due to his history; I asked again if we were dating since we had a close affectionate relationship. He'd never say. But his actions were as if we were a couple, calling me his "better half" to his friends. Then, to me, saying that didn't mean anything. He doesn't know the difference between friend and boyfriend, or friend and relationship. He had a lot of abuse and is definitely screwed up. And manipulative. Very slippery use of language. F*cked up.

He kept moving to apts closer to me. I didn't want him to. Yet, I appreciated the companionship and just decided to live with what I had--a companion who couldn't commit to being a boyfriend. It was painful a lot of the time. His messages were obviously mixed--moving closer but not making any verbal commitment. He was always ready to leave at any time, for his work in another state or abroad. (Work that he wasn't paid for, but might become that).

We had physical closeness (not sex) now and then. Or, holding hands kind of stuff.  Meanwhile, he was emailing a woman in Europe. He went to Europe and returned. Then a year or so later, he went again. He said for 3 months but it was 18 months, and he was involved with her. He didn't tell me. Then he returned and finally told me. Yet, when he was in Europe wanting to return, he got verbally abusive because "his" room in my apt wasn't available.  He is still angry about that. As if we were a couple, or I owed him that place to stay. He thought of it as home?

He returned and we mostly got along but I had to move and he manipulated his way into my new apt. That was a mess and I was so angry and stressed. Yet, we had some good times and I was affectionate with him off and on. We had sex once or twice.  See what I mean about my mixed messages? I should have put my foot down and told him to leave. Instead, I told him he needed his own apt, and then at times I acted as if we were a couple.

I told myself that I was setting a boundary, the only one I could --- that he couldn't live with me, regardless of whether we were a couple or not. I held onto that because it was too hard for me to completely break it off with him. I was co-dependent and needed someone in my life.

He was using me, whether he perceived it that way or not. He was desperate for a home and stability and decided I provided that.

To get him to leave this last time, I went along with his clinging to me as he does before he goes away. He wants to solidify our relationship so he feels more grounded before going away. But that is the only time he wants that. The only time he talks about planning how we will be together.  I let him say all of that and nodded and said yes. If I had disagreed with him, he would be too anxious to leave. I needed him to leave.

I feel terrible because that I was lying, giving mixed messages. I wasn't being strong.

That said, he did endless things that were hurtful, upsetting, illogical. He doesn't know he does this stuff, does he?

Thanks for reading/listening. I learned my lesson about honesty, inner strength, and not giving mixed messages.  Am I being too hard on myself? Or, is this justifiable as my shortcoming? Or, a narc BPD is doing such unthinkable things due to their inability to live in the same world as the rest of us, that there is no way I can blame myself under those circumstances.

Thank you for listening.

[anna58]

I gave mixed messages and feel terrible. The guilt is all mine, not a part of FOG, I think. Or, am I wrong?

We started out dating; he said he couldn't be in a relationship due to his history; I asked again if we were dating since we had a close affectionate relationship. He'd never say. But his actions were as if we were a couple, calling me his "better half" to his friends. Then, to me, saying that didn't mean anything. He doesn't know the difference between friend and boyfriend, or friend and relationship. He had a lot of abuse and is definitely screwed up. And manipulative. Very slippery use of language. F*cked up.

He kept moving to apts closer to me. I didn't want him to. Yet, I appreciated the companionship and just decided to live with what I had--a companion who couldn't commit to being a boyfriend. It was painful a lot of the time. His messages were obviously mixed--moving closer but not making any verbal commitment. He was always ready to leave at any time, for his work in another state or abroad. (Work that he wasn't paid for, but might become that).

We had physical closeness (not sex) now and then. Or, holding hands kind of stuff.  Meanwhile, he was emailing a woman in Europe. He went to Europe and returned. Then a year or so later, he went again. He said for 3 months but it was 18 months, and he was involved with her. He didn't tell me. Then he returned and finally told me. Yet, when he was in Europe wanting to return, he got verbally abusive because "his" room in my apt wasn't available.  He is still angry about that. As if we were a couple, or I owed him that place to stay. He thought of it as home?

He returned and we mostly got along but I had to move and he manipulated his way into my new apt. That was a mess and I was so angry and stressed. Yet, we had some good times and I was affectionate with him off and on. We had sex once or twice.  See what I mean about my mixed messages? I should have put my foot down and told him to leave. Instead, I told him he needed his own apt, and then at times I acted as if we were a couple.

I told myself that I was setting a boundary, the only one I could --- that he couldn't live with me, regardless of whether we were a couple or not. I held onto that because it was too hard for me to completely break it off with him. I was co-dependent and needed someone in my life.

He was using me, whether he perceived it that way or not. He was desperate for a home and stability and decided I provided that.

To get him to leave this last time, I went along with his clinging to me as he does before he goes away. He wants to solidify our relationship so he feels more grounded before going away. But that is the only time he wants that. The only time he talks about planning how we will be together.  I let him say all of that and nodded and said yes. If I had disagreed with him, he would be too anxious to leave. I needed him to leave.

I feel terrible because that I was lying, giving mixed messages. I wasn't being strong.

That said, he did endless things that were hurtful, upsetting, illogical. He doesn't know he does this stuff, does he?

Thanks for reading/listening. I learned my lesson about honesty, inner strength, and not giving mixed messages.  Am I being too hard on myself? Or, is this justifiable as my shortcoming? Or, a narc BPD is doing such unthinkable things due to their inability to live in the same world as the rest of us, that there is no way I can blame myself under those circumstances.

Thank you for listening.

[roberto516]

It sounds like right away you wanted clarification abut whether you were dating and he gave the mixed signals. It seems like ever time after that you were doing it as a way to protect yourself. I don't think there's an thing wrong wit it.

If I was with someone who wouldn't commit to a relationship despite us acting the part you better believe I'd be indecisive and cautious. If anything you have the insight that you knew it wasn't good for you.

Don't beat yourself up. Sounds like you handled it very maturely. If you didn't "play along" amd told him flat out what was going on there's a good chance he could have convinced you otherwise and then you'd feel really bad about yourself fr giving in.

[Mutt]

Hi anna58,



I agree with Roberto, don't be hard on yourself. How I read your post is it sounds like he was coming off strong, he wanted to be close to you but didn't want to be committed. It sounds to me like he wasn't respecting your boundaries and kept pushing. One on the hand you could have used the friendship and on the other hand he may of made you feel obligated, if he's a tantrum and is expecting to have a place stay without discussing, is that respectful? You have to have strong boundaries with a pwBPD, I think that you could have defending your boundaries, I don't see an issue with defending them later, you recovered, you're allowed to change your mind.

I can see how it would have been an uncomfortable position to be in. I think that there's a lot to learn from an experience with a pwBPD, work on how to not react to FOG, keep defending your boundaries if someone isn't respecting them.