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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Words versus Actions  (Read 414 times)
CloseToFreedom
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431


« on: June 01, 2017, 04:39:04 PM »

I've been through so much with my undiagnosed ex BPD that I've learned a good few things, in no small thanks to this message board. In the eleven times that I was recycled, following the final discard 2,5 years ago, and a small recycle earlier this year that lasted a month or so (), I've seen patterns. Things that help me distance my mind from my ex. While I'm not quite there yet, not quite out of the woods, I've come a long way, and realising certain things have made it easier to live without her.

The main thing I've learned is: Words versus Actions. And I want to name a few examples of that in this topic in the hope you can recognise yourself and your situation in them. Also, feel free to share your own examples.

The thing is, some BPD sure know how to talk to us, to make us feel fantastic, or to 'teach' us how to behave. But actions speak louder than words and its when you compare to two, that you notice the hypocrisy.

Some of these examples are very specific, just to have a bit of fun and notice the total crap that comes out of their mouths.

Words: I love you, you are the one, we belong together, etc.
Actions: leaving me time and time again, staying silent (while being with a replacement) until she needs me again.
Explanation: When they say it, they need you right now. Only then. They probably mean it, at that moment, but it can change as quick as the weather.

Words: I need a strong man to give me boundaries
Actions: Each time I tried setting boundaries (or in other words, have some freaking self respect), she went insane. It's her way or the highway.
Explanation: They want you to feel in control, while staying in control themselves.

Words: I hate people who go to the tanning salon, it looks ugly and it stinks (I used to do it in the winter because else I'd be pale as hell, and every time I went she complained about it).
Actions: When I connected with her again in the recycle this year, she went each week. When I said that she used to say she hated it, she just shrugged.
Explanation: Like their opinion of you, their personality and opinions can change like the weather. They don't have a set personality or certain values or point of views, its just vapor that changes whenever it suits them.

Words: (when she tried to recycle me last year when she was living together with my replacement and she said she was unhappy with him) At least I have my best friend (talking about her new pet dog).
Actions: When she and the replacement broke off this year, she told me he could have the dog, as it didn't really feel like her dog anyway.
Explanation: Like with humans, they can't really connect with animals. Its just a sham. Animals are their best friends when it suits them. They can just as easily be discarted, just like humans. 'Her best friend' and then suddenly nothing important. What the eff.

Words: I don't trust you while we are on a break. (when getting back together for another recycle) Are you sure you didn't f*ck anyone else? I haven't. I've stayed clean for you.
Actions: Later finding out she f*cked other guys. Of course.
Explanation: Classic projection. It's not about trusting you, it's about their lack of trust in themselves.

Words: (right before the final recycle earlier this year after being seperated for two years) I finally realise how important you are for me now and that we belong together. The past two years seperated I thought about you each day. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I really was a b!tch back when we were still together.
Actions: Two weeks of love bombing, followed by two weeks of devaluation, followed by the final discard. I was SO important in her life that it took one month for her to get over me. Now haven't heard from her for six weeks. That's how important I was.
Explanation: She just needed me right then, and when she had me, she wanted her freedom again. Now she has her freedom and she's probably busy finding a replacement (or already having one), because she hates being alone. Until the love bombing wears off, then she hates being with him again.

Words: (during the last few weeks of the latest recycle) I felt used for sex in my previous relationship. That's why I don't want to have sex with you right now.
Actions: The two weeks before she said it she had sex with me. So let me get this straight, when she started hanging out with me again she had NO problem having sex (even asking for it, asking if I bought condoms, etc), and then after a few times suddenly the 'trauma' of her previous relationship bothers her?
Explanation: She used sex to hook me again. Once she saw I was proper hooked by sex and by her words, there was no need for it anymore.

Words: I hate french kisses, could we not do that anymore?
Actions: When we got back together (three weeks prior to the above words), she asked 'when are you going to kiss me?' and french kissed me.
Explanation: Who the eff knows. Its probably about control, or her already mentally checking out before discarding me.

Words: I hate (one of her few female friends, one of her parents, or whoever has the short end of the stick).
Actions: She hates them for a period of time, until she decides they are painted white again and they are the greatest thing on earth.
Explanation: People are like toys to these children. They like a toy, then they don't like it anymore. Then they like it again. Then they don't. Friends, family, and more importantly: YOU.

I could go on and on, these are just a few examples and I'll probably post more. Would be cool if some of you tried this out as well. For me it works very therapeutic, as it makes me see how much value I put in her words and how they meant nothing in the end, and it helps me detatch, a bit at least.
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roberto516
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Posts: 782


« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2017, 04:54:00 PM »

Thanks ClosetoFreedom!

Oh boy can I relate . The two that point out for me are the control/boundaries and the pet one. First, I used to always tell her that she was the one who needed to be in control of the relationship (including sex). She'd always get upset and say "No I don't. I want the man to be in control of things!" Well guess what happened every time I set my foot down and was adamant about wanting to do plan A for the weekend, or to watch this or that, or to eat here or there? Complete resistance that could turn to anger if i pushed to hard. And then she would turn around and say we have no connection anymore, don't do anything together, and that I never suggest things to do together. Well if you touch the stove and are met with rage, and belittlement guess who isn't going to touch the stove again. On and on and on.

The pet one is very interesting to me. She had a dog who I did grow to become very fond of. In the beginning I was jealous because she would give him kisses and stuff and I'd ask "Well what about me?" Her response? "Well he shows me attention." But I would always be the one to walk him morning and evening. I would take him to the park. And then sometimes she would just give him to her parents to watch for the weekend or week. I don't know about any of you. But unless I'm going away on vacation my dogs stay with me. They are my children.

But we got a dog together right before the end, and the dog wasn't housetrained as we thought. Well you should have saw her anger and rage because of that (even contemplating giving it up). Her one yoga teacher gave us her cat for whatever reason, and because the cat laid under the bed for the weekend (which everyone told us it would take time!) she had the teacher come get it after 2 days.

It's a valid point. The dog, cat, dog are just objects. She wanted the second dog to find something to live for at that time. Just like we were objects. It's sickening. The only plus is that I took the dog we bought together, and she has the most amazing life with me. I come home from work and take her for walks, pay attention to her, shower her with love, don't put her in a crate all day when I'm at work because I don't mind tossing a puppy pad when she does have an accident, and don't make her hold her bladder because I feel like sleeping (you can guess who did that with her dog).

This might have been a ramble. But you're right. It really does help. The bad times have to stay fresh if we ever begin to slip into fond memories. Not to ruminate on them, or drive ourselves crazy, but it can be so easy to fall into the fond memories. Thanks for the post. It was an interesting take.

I actually could relate to all of them. But just wanted to comment on two that stood out.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
CloseToFreedom
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431


« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2017, 04:58:25 PM »


But we got a dog together right before the end, and the dog wasn't housetrained as we thought. Well you should have saw her anger and rage because of that (even contemplating giving it up).

Last year when she was still living with the recycle and she came over to me because she told me she wanted me back (, that lasted a week... .thank god), she took her brand new dog with her as well to me. She hit the dog three times that afternoon because it didn't listen properly. What the heck.
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Hopefulgirl
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Posts: 113


« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2017, 06:15:59 PM »

I can relate, CloseToFreedom.
 "The words and the actions never matched up" is how I describe my ex if I had only one sentence to describe him. One day out of pure despair I said to him "why can't you say what you mean and mean what you say?". Didn't go over well. He then accused me of calling him a liar and I was painted black for several months. When he finally started speaking to me we had a calm long deep talk about the whole "words and actions thing" and I thought I got through to him. But it continued on, actually got way worse. I don't believe anything he says anymore.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2017, 04:05:18 AM »

Hi CloseToFreedom,

Words played a huge part in my relationship with pwBPD, especially as we were long-distance. There were a LOT of beautiful, poetic, spiritual, loving words. At first I found it a bit too much, but then eventually started believing them.

My freedom came when I stopped being a believer, because I saw the reality that was before me, not the fantasy we were both busy trying to create. It was a painful realization, but also liberating. I find the quote below a good reminder.

Belief number 6 from the The 10 Beliefs That Can Keep Us Stuck :

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.


When did you stop believing?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
CloseToFreedom
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431


« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2017, 08:12:34 AM »

Hi CloseToFreedom,

Words played a huge part in my relationship with pwBPD, especially as we were long-distance. There were a LOT of beautiful, poetic, spiritual, loving words. At first I found it a bit too much, but then eventually started believing them.

My freedom came when I stopped being a believer, because I saw the reality that was before me, not the fantasy we were both busy trying to create. It was a painful realization, but also liberating. I find the quote below a good reminder.

Belief number 6 from the The 10 Beliefs That Can Keep Us Stuck :

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.


When did you stop believing?

heartandwhole

Hm, I guess I'm still working on realising I can't believe any of the words, after all these years. Of course, thanks to the short recycle earlier this year I have a new set of words ('I missed you so much, I never stopped thinking about you, we belong together) to work through and realise it was all a sham. If she really meant those things, she would keep in contact, try to be with me, instead of already being in NC for around 6 weeks. The proof is in the pudding. Doesn't mean it can't be hard to seperate the words from their actions, especially when they are words that touch something missing deep inside you.
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