My BF has BPD and I Need Help

[ers8806]

I've been living with my bf for about a year and a half now and i'm positive my boyfriend has BPD. For months I have spent countless hours researching and reading books. He meets all 9 of the DSM-5 criteria. Considering a person needs to meet 5 of the 9 criteria to be diagnosed, I have no doubt that he has BPD.

His family lives out of state. They know he has a problem, and for years tried getting help, but they've pretty much given up now. His mother is the strict/religious/conservative type- She has told me that they tried getting him help for years when he was growing up, but that he would lie to the doctors and manipulate his way out of it. She's told me that all she can do now is pray and believe that he will get better. His father is the laid back type - my bf is closest to him, speaks to him almost everyday, views him as more of a "friend" than a father and trusts him the most. Every time my bf's mood/anger issue is talked about in front of him, he seems to ignore it and tries to change the subject. His sister his basically the only person in his family that i can really talk to about it. She knows he has a mental health/personality disorder and agrees he needs help. There's been a couple of instances where my bf has had an anger episode in front of all of us. His mom reacts by telling him to stop it and that there's no need to act that way. He'll usually then makes a remark (packing and going home because of them, etc) and his mom typically makes a smart comment back. His sister reacts by telling her parents that he has a mental disorder, needs help and that they should hospitalize him in front of everyone (which makes matters worse). His dad reacts by trying to diffuse the situation as best he can - which is usually ignoring his mom & sister's comments, trying to change the subject, and/or unknowingly validating/agreeing to my bf's invalid/immature remarks.

Besides me, he has his business partner here. His business partner is the only person here that he will confide in/listen to. Him and his wife know my bf has his issues, but they don't know everything because my bf only shows the full BPD side to me and his family back home.

Since i'm the only one here, i'm the one that gets the brunt of it. Every time something goes wrong, he gets bad news, can't find something, etc he takes it out on me or blames me for it. If he lost something then I took it or i'm hiding it from him; if something goes wrong at work or he gets bad news then he becomes depressed, irritated and angry at me. Everything is black or white with him. One minute he'll tell me that he loves me, that i'm the "best person ever", and makes me promise that i'll never leave him and that i'll love him forever. The next minute he's telling me that he's a bad person, how he's a piece of crap and doesn't deserve to be with me. He'll sometimes say "i'm nothing", "I feel empty", "there's no good in me" or "i don't deserve to be here". Other times he's told me I need to leave because he's not allowed to be with me, and that he's trying to tell himself that he doesn't love me so he can make himself believe it.

There's been a few times where I've seen him disassociate in front of me, twice while we're in public eating dinner. He stares into space and it's like he mentally goes somewhere else. I have to wave my hand in front of him or nudge him to get back to reality. When i get his attention he wont know where he is for a second. When he's in the bathroom or shower i hear him softly talking/swearing to himself, like he's replaying a conversation he had previously with someone. There's also been a couple of times (when he was extremely stressed) that he's heard something that I didn't. He also told me once that sometimes he sees something for a split second that isn't there.

I think this behavior and abandonment issues is worse because of his last relationship. He was on and off for 8 years with his ex. I know his BPD symptoms contributed to the unstable relationship, but from what i've been told by him, his family and all of his friends, she did a lot of bad things that hurt him. She cheated on him with one of his employees, left him and moved in with the guy for a year; when he was demoted at his old company she yelled at him, packed up and left him; Didn't pay for rent, her car payment, her cell phone or anything; made him spend thousands and thousands of dollars on jewelry, purses, shoes, etc; a year and a half before breaking up for good she took a live-in nanny job, moved out of the house and would only visit him once a week. Sometimes when he's in one of his moods, he'll bring her up and say things like "she told me she'd never leave me but she did so you're going to do the same thing to me". There's been a couple of times where he has these delusions of her. He'll speak highly of her, says everything she did was his fault because he wasn't rich enough, and act like she's coming back some day. I've read that BPD's sometimes to this with people even when they treated them badly.

He also owns a company that is quickly expanding. As you can imagine, it causes him a lot of stress. He has way too much on his plate and is a workaholic. There's almost something that happens or goes wrong, which he then gets stressed about, becomes depressed and/or angry and then takes it out on me.

Sorry for the novel. I needed to get this out and i don't really know where to turn to. I've read a couple of books on BPD for loved ones and trying to apply some of the techniques from them which i've found to be useful. I've also read that its good for loved ones to get therapy for themselves, which i'm considering doing, but I think it would be good to get some advice from someone that's in the same boat as me.

I know there's no cure, but does anyone have any advice to help improve/save my relationship? 

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi, ers8806

You have found hundreds of people with the same experience. Things can get better.
Does he know it's BPD?  men are more reluctant to being diagnosed or to get therapy. But it does a lot of good to know you are not "defective", you just have something that has a name, that is shared for millions of people, and it has specific treatment and tools to make your life better.

The diagnosis is hard, mostly because no one wants to know for sure they have a mental illness, and this one sounds awful. But in time is way better than to not knowing what is wrong with you, and live like that, and seeing everything is so much harder for you than to anybody else. it would be good if he knew, and got help. You can present the subject by saying that you see that he suffers a lot, more than anyone you know, and that you think he deserves to get help to enjoy life better and to understand he is much better than the things he tell you about himself.

Basically, not "you are /have a problem"  but "you are in pain".

For any woman I would recommend the book "the Buddha and the borderline" there they would feel totally identified. But for men, I don't know. I think our stupid male pride makes everything harder.

It would be great if the family knew too, and you would form a support circle for him. They seem to be willing but using all the wrong tools, don't they?  That book is great for families too. Some validation from your parents goes a long way. It's great if you can talk to the sister. He needs consistency, they don't need to work very hard, but they need to avoid the things that make matters worse, and learn a bit about validation. Also, to take his disorder seriously, while knowing is not his fault to have it.

I'm sorry his previous relationship contaminates yours. It is in his past, but he will utter all the wrong things while disregulated, he doesn't really mean them. You need to learn to ignore a lot of what he says, sounds awful, but it's like a tantrum from a small kid.

He's lucky to have you today. Sometimes he'll say it to you.  But don't forget it even when he doesn't.  :)on't try to learn all at once. Things don't change overnight, it takes time. Be patient, take care of yourself and go back to learn more when it feels right.

How does that sound?

[Herodias]

I actually thought you were talking about my ex! I wouldn't believe everything you are hearing about the ex... .it's probably projection- seriously. He needs to be in therapy and stick with it. If he will not, there is only the decision of how long you want to live this way. The parents already know all to well what they have endured. Decide what you will put up with and what you will not. Stick with your own boundaries. It's your choice. You cannot feel sorry for him- he is making his choice. They do not change until they want to. Mine told me he could manipulate whoever he wanted. They know what they are capable of. It will only get worse if you do not set your boundaries and keep them. That is what a counselor told me. I suggest you go to one yourself - you must practice what you preach. But do not go with him, you must both go separately. He will only use the therapist against you and it will help neither of you. I tried 4 times with mine over 9 years. He only learned to manipulate me more. They need someone they can trust alone. Take care of yourself and not just him. It is exhausting I know.

[AnuDay]

This sounds like a doomed BPD relationship.   He needs treatment.  Without it the relationship is doomed.  With his business growing you are probably the most stable thing in his life and he needs you now more than ever. 

[ers8806]

Thank you everyone for responding. Friday evening he told me I needed to pack up and leave. He told me the usual - that he's a worthless piece of scum, how he doesn't deserve to be happy and isn't allowed to be with me, how he won't be here much longer, that his ex promised not to leave and did so I will too, etc. Just a few days earlier he randomly apologized for when he does this, told me he doesn't mean it, how he  can't control himself when he does this, that he really is in love with me and made me promise to never leave him. I tried everything I could to stop him and begged him to try not to do this right now as my birthday was this weekend. I tried validating him, tried to remind him of what he told me a few days earlier, how I intended to keep my promise, how I understand he has a lot of stress with work right now which could be overwhelming, how I will support him and help him any way I can and that I love him more than anything. He began getting angry so I left grabbing only my dog and my purse.

A few minutes later He tried calling me multiple times and sent angry texts. I texted him and told him I left without packing everything because he was getting angry. I told him I loved him and that I would speak once  he calms down. A few hours later he called to ask where I was. He sounded calm and I could tell he missed me. We were talking calmly and he started telling me he left his house and that I couldn't get my stuff until he gets back tomorrow. I asked him where he was and he said it didn't matter. I asked him if he was in delray (where his ex lives) and he said it doesn't matter and that it's the last time I will speak to him and that he won't be here on this planet anymore. He then started talking faint, I could hear something in the background, and what I thought was him gasping. He hung up so I called him back and he answered. He would pick up in a normal tone and then I'd hear the background noise again,  his voice would get faint, and then he wouldn't respond. Concerned he was trying to harm himself I started rushing to the house,  called again and again and every time he would answer and do the same thing over and over. I started firmly & repeatedly asking him to answer me and asked him if I needed to call 911. Just when I was about to hang up and call 911, he finally answered and told me he was just blowing his nose. I'm pretty sure he did this on purpose to test me. I got to his house and he cracked the door open, gave me a pillow and my toothbrush,  told me I was crazy, that I couldn't come in, and that I needed to leave and come back tomorrow to get my stuff in the morning. As soon as I got in my car, he called me in a loving tone, asked me how my dog was, if I wished we could snuggle, etc., then  told me to hold on a second. I could see the light from his cell phone by the front door as though he was going to let me in if I was at the door. I was still in my car so then his voice changed and told me I needed to leave. I tried calling him again but he wouldn't answer so I left.

Saturday morning he called me in the loving tone, told me he couldn't sleep without me, etc, then asked me if the dishes were clean or dirty. I told them they were dirty so he changed his tone and complained how the house was a mess. I explained that I hadn't had a chance since we went to visit his family this week and the next day after we got home I had to go to Kentucky for work. I reminded him that I didn't get home until 1130pm Thursday, had to catch up on work Friday and was planning to clean the house today. He  told me I had to come pack my stuff or he would throw it in bags and leave it outside. As soon as I came over he commented about the dirty house, told me he had to run to the office. He told me to start packing, then in the living sweet tone told me not to leave until he gets home so he can say goodbye. Before packing I decided to clean the floors hoping to lift his mood. When he got home he told me how he didn't want me to leave and how he was going to miss me. I tried reminding him of what he had told me a few days ago about loving me and that doesn't really mean to do this. He told me again how he's worthless, how he wants to be with me but isn't allowed to be, that he's trying to tell himself he doesn't love me so he'll believe it, etc. I told him how I loved him more than anything, in which he said he didn't believe me, that no one cares about him, that he's a worthless piece of crap, and that he was going to sell his cars becauae he  won't need them, etc. I tried validating him but he told me I had to leave. Not wanting to make him angry, I agreed to leave but for him to know that I am not breaking my promise, I'm not abandoning him, and that the only reason I am leaving is because this is what he wanted.

After leaving I spoke to his sister and told her the situation. Since he was making comments about not being here I also told his friend what was going on and asked him to check in on him. He told me he had been talking to my bf  all day and appearrd fine. I explained as best I could to him how my bf only shows this side to me and his family and that even though he appears fine that he isn't. He agreed to continue checking in. Later that night around 1130pm my bf texted me happy birthday (since my birthday (my bday was sunday) and told me he was at the office. He then called me and we spoke for a bit about the renovations. He told me he wanted to come see me and I told him he couldn't come here because I don't know how to call him in the gate. I offered to go there but he said no.

The following morning (yesterday) was my birthday. He texted me happy birthday in the morning and told me how his stomach hurt (which he has had serious issues with for years, has been in extreme pain but refuses to see a Dr). We talked briefly on the phone then told me he's sorry but he shouldn't be talking to me. A few hours later he called and asked me if after I unpacked the bag I borrowed if I wanted to come over and make burgers. I came over and he was all lovey, told me his missed me, wanted to cuddle, etc. We ended up having sex, then told me after that he shouldn't have done that. I told him how I understand he feels that way but the fact is that he loved me. We hung out, made lunch then asked if I wanted to stay to watch the game. We cuddled for a bit while he told me how he loves being with me, he's glad I came, he's going to miss me, etc. He would then change and say he's not allowed to feel like this and that I shouldn't have came over. He said I should leave then said I could stay for the game but had to leave after. I told him that I didn't want to stay just bc he felt bad it's my bday and I would only stay if it's bc he wanted me to. He told me he wanted me to stay so I did. During the game he mentioned something about how from now on I can't stay here unless he says so. After the game he asked if I wanted to spend the night. When we got up it was like our normal mornings, we cuddled for a bit before getting up, I fed the birds while he showered and I made him breakfast. He was talking again about how he really loves me but he can't and how he's going to miss me so much. He then told me I still had to leave and to remember to grab everything before I left. I didn't want to upset or anger him so I grabbed my bag, kissed him goodbye  and left. Haven't heard from him since we kissed goodbye and left for work, though I'm sure he'll call or text me later when he gets home from work.

I love him, am fully committed and am willing to do whatever's necessary to save/improve our relationship; as well as figure out a way to get him help. As mentioned earlier I'm his only support here. I know I likely need to save our relationship first before I can throw any ideas out at him about getting help. I don't want to come off as too needy/clingy but I also don't want to distance myself too much to where he starts to convince himself that I don't care and he doesn't need me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? And/or does anyone have any advice that could help? Any information or suggestions would be extremely helpful. Thanks.

[JoeBPD81]

Hey, I'm worried about you. What are you doing to take care of yourself? You can only help him from a position where you are not out of balance. You can't lose yourself to help him find himself.

Who's not allowing him to be with you?
I can't blame you for thinking this way, I'm not far from neglecting myself totally to try to "save" other. But it hurts to see it in someone else.

You don't have to take anything, it's not even good for him.  You said he's testing you, you say he's making rules. You need your own rules too.

He needs professional help, urgent, I think. In my opinion this has to be a priority, over building the relationship. Many people would put it as a condition. He has to agree to try, at least try, to be better in order not to treat you like this. You can get very much hurt like this, you can take it for a while, but it has a price to pay. Please protect yourself. And read here about getting your loved one to join therapy. 

[ers8806]

"Hey, I'm worried about you. What are you doing to take care of yourself? You can only help him from a position where you are not out of balance. You can't lose yourself to help him find himself.

Who's not allowing him to be with you?
I can't blame you for thinking this way, I'm not far from neglecting myself totally to try to "save" other. But it hurts to see it in someone else.

You don't have to take anything, it's not even good for him.  You said he's testing you, you say he's making rules. You need your own rules too.

He needs professional help, urgent, I think. In my opinion this has to be a priority, over building the relationship. Many people would put it as a condition. He has to agree to try, at least try, to be better in order not to treat you like this. You can get very much hurt like this, you can take it for a while, but it has a price to pay. Please protect yourself. And read here about getting your loved one to join therapy. "

Thank you for replying so quickly. I agree that it's important to take care of myself. For now I'm staying at my moms and trying to focus on work. I know when he gets like this that he doesn't mean the things that he says. I don't take his negativite acts/remarks to heart, I know it's the BPD and not really him.I also know that I can't help him unless he's willing to accept he has a problem and willing to seek help; and I can't blame myself if he ever does decides to harm himself.

I was also confused at first when he would tell me hes not allowed to be with me. When I asked him who isn't allowing it he said it was himself; I then asked why and he told me it's because he's worthless, piece of scum, and a bad person so he doesn't deserve to be happy.

As far as him needing professional help urgently, I agree with you 100%. It's definitely more important than repairing our romantic relationship. In order to do so though, I need some advice. As of right now we are "broken up" and so he is trying to distance himself from me. Do you have any advice on how I could try to avoid that from happening, keep the communication line open and build his "trust"? What type of rules/boundaries would be a good start? Unfortunately I can't convince him to join therapy if he cuts me out of his life. :/

PS where can I read about "getting your loved one therapy "?

Thank you

[Herodias]

I know you are on the improving board, but I cannot stress this enough- there is nothing YOU can do. Only what HE can do and he is not. Yes, he is doing this on purpose. Yes, pretending suicide is part of it- do not react. Tell him you will send help. That usually stops them. If he means it, there is nothing you can do but send help. My ex would cut himself in front of me- he didn't mean to kill himself by where he was cutting. It was to scare me.  I have been there, done that. The thing that gets me is all if the comments yours makes about how he shouldn't be doing what he is doing with you- Are you absolutely positive he is not married or has another girlfriend? Family doesn't always know about these things. I think you need to seriously ask yourself what you are doing and go get therapy to figure out. My ex told me his therapist told him not to see me in the beginning. He had a girlfriend I didn't know about.  Listen to what he is telling you- HE MEANS WHAT HE IS SAYING. HE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. People tell you who they are. I think you need to stop with this before you get in deeper and regret years of your life. I am serious. Tell him to get help and then to get in touch if you really want this, but you are setting yourself up to end up on the detaching board the way this is going. Maybe you should read some of that and see how it feels when you spend years of your life trying to "help." We have all been there, believe me. You cannot make someone get help and they will lie about it too. You need to go to therapy. If you won't go, how can you get him to go? Does that make sense?

[AnuDay]

Yes, my situation is similar.  Unfortunately your situation sounds a lot more dire.  We are supposed to be positive and supportive in this thread, but I fear for your safety. 

[JoeBPD81]

PS where can I read about "getting your loved one therapy "?

Thank you

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy