Getting my BPD mom help

[colormerainbow]

Hello everyone! I am a 20 year old psychology student, and a little over a year ago I realized that my mom had BPD. She has lived with this her whole life and has never received a diagnosis or gotten professional help. Now knowing what BPD is and that it is treatable, I really really want to help my mom. Obviously, this is not going to be an easy task. I want to come up with a strategic plan to do it. Has anyone here ever gotten help for a loved one with BPD? How on earth does one do that? I want to figure out the best, slow and steady approach to gradually break it to my mom. I was thinking maybe I could start by setting up a weekly phone call time with her, on the premise that I miss her and I want to have a regular time dedicated to catching up. During this time, I would want to really listen to her, and support her through her problems. I would like to have normal conversations with a little nonchalant, covert therapy thrown in. Eventually, I would like for my mom to become aware of Borderline Personality Disorder. This is something I would only ever talk to her about in person. I would want to be armed with compassionate educational videos and descriptions so that she could learn about the disease. I would, of course, have to approach this in the most empathetic, compassionate, and supportive way possible. And I realize that even then she still might react poorly to it. But if I show her that whatever her reaction, I'm still there for her and that my number one motivation for doing this is because I love her and care about her... .then I think I might be able to get through to her. Eventually, I would want to get her into a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. Now I know these are some really lofty goals, and I don't expect any of this to happen quickly. However, I don't think these goals are impossible? I know it's not my life to live, and I can't force her into anything. But I just love her so much and I want to see her live a better life. Am I crazy for thinking I can actually do this?

[Peacefromwithin]

Hello everyone! I am a 20 year old psychology student, and a little over a year ago I realized that my mom had BPD. She has lived with this her whole life and has never received a diagnosis or gotten professional help.

Most people with BPD don't realize they have a problem and so they rarely seek help. There are exceptions to the rule I'm sure though.

Now knowing what BPD is and that it is treatable, I really really want to help my mom.

That is very sweet and thoughtful to want to help her.

Obviously, this is not going to be an easy task. I want to come up with a strategic plan to do it. Has anyone here ever gotten help for a loved one with BPD? How on earth does one do that?

No it probably won't be. But I guess it'd depend on the type of BPD your mother is. I'm going to guess that "the waif" type might be willing to go for help or someone with traits vs full-on BPD but that's just a guess.

How does she feel about you majoring in psychology? Is she supportive of it? Feel threatened by it?

I want to figure out the best, slow and steady approach to gradually break it to my mom.

I would seriously advise against diagnosing your own mother with a personality disorder. Unless you two are extremely close or something. My mother would probably have murdered me if I dared say that to her. But that's just my mother. I know you younger folks are awfully close with your mothers so maybe you have a different dynamic. Maybe there's some other way you can word things to help her out, that won't put her on the defense.

 

I was thinking maybe I could start by setting up a weekly phone call time with her, on the premise that I miss her and I want to have a regular time dedicated to catching up. During this time, I would want to really listen to her, and support her through her problems.

That is kind of you to want to "catch up", but as her daughter, it is not your role to "support her through her problems". That is what a therapist does.

I would like to have normal conversations with a little nonchalant, covert therapy thrown in. Eventually, I would like for my mom to become aware of Borderline Personality Disorder. This is something I would only ever talk to her about in person. I would want to be armed with compassionate educational videos and descriptions so that she could learn about the disease. I would, of course, have to approach this in the most empathetic, compassionate, and supportive way possible.

I really commend you for wanting to do this, but I just am concerned it'd backfire. Have you asked your psychology professors about this?

 

And I realize that even then she still might react poorly to it. But if I show her that whatever her reaction, I'm still there for her and that my number one motivation for doing this is because I love her and care about her... .then I think I might be able to get through to her.

Again I don't know what type of BPD your mother is but you've got to sit quietly and meditate on how you think in your heart she would react and if this would be a really good idea or not to "try to fix her". Maybe you can ask a psychologist who has experience with pwBPD if this is a good idea or not.

I had a thought. Let's say I had a really good relationship with my mother. And let's say I noticed her weight was getting really high and she was struggling with health issues. How could I try to help her without coming out and saying "hey mom, you know I love you, but I am concerned because you've gained a lot of weight lately, and I want to help you eat healthier." I'd think I was *embarrassing* my own mother. Instead, I would lightly say "hey mom let's go for a walk, it's a beautiful day out!" Or, "Mom I'm trying to eat healthier, want to try this great new restaurant in town that makes awesome salads?" See if that sort of approach with how she reacts to life and people in her BPD helps. But don't frame it in a way that you are trying to tell her what to do, or trying to be her therapist. You're her DAUGHTER.

Eventually, I would want to get her into a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. Now I know these are some really lofty goals, and I don't expect any of this to happen quickly. However, I don't think these goals are impossible? I know it's not my life to live, and I can't force her into anything. But I just love her so much and I want to see her live a better life. Am I crazy for thinking I can actually do this?

One step at a time. Have you tried to help her see her thinking or behavior in the past? Does it work? Like, if she is complaining about a problem she's having with a coworker or something, and you've offered a healthy non BPD way of looking at the situation differently or handling it differently, is she open to it? If  she is open to it, then maybe you have a chance and I'd be happy for both you and your mother if you come back and tell us how healthy she is getting and that she's in DBT. But if she can't understand your suggestion, or it puts her on the defense, then I don't know what to suggest. You have to break down that barrier first, I think.

I have my own quirks from being raised by BPD/NPD parents and a lot of times if people gave me suggestions, I'd look at them like they were talking a foreign language because I could not comprehend what they were saying. Why? Because my emotions got in the way every single time. I had to be validated first because I couldn't self-validate. But when I was able to see my own thinking and behavior myself, then things became A LOT clearer for me. I had to learn that I couldn't change anyone else but ME.

I don't know if my reply helped or not, but I hope in some way it did. You're a lovely person for wanting to help your mother. But please know it's not your role to fix her. Because then if you become a therapist, you're going to try to fix everyone that reminds you of your mother. She has to want to fix herself. Your role is to be her DAUGHTER. Love her and love yourself. 

[colormerainbow]

Wow, first of all I want to say thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed response. I appreciate it so much! You seem like a very kind and compassionate human being.


 

I guess it'd depend on the type of BPD your mother is. I'm going to guess that "the waif" type might be willing to go for help or someone with traits vs full-on BPD but that's just a guess.

So, I'm not super familiar with the BPD subtypes. I just looked it up after reading your comment. After only briefly looking it over, the most fitting seems to be the "petulant" subtype. She's extremely passive aggressive and throws a lot of temper tantrums. She hates criticism and tends to project all of her problems onto others. So no... .it probably won't be easy at all. 

How does she feel about you majoring in psychology? Is she supportive of it? Feel threatened by it?

She seems to be very supportive of it. She takes a lot of pride in me going to college and getting a degree.

I would seriously advise against diagnosing your own mother with a personality disorder. Unless you two are extremely close or something. My mother would probably have murdered me if I dared say that to her. But that's just my mother. I know you younger folks are awfully close with your mothers so maybe you have a different dynamic.

Yeah... .so if I were to tell her, I would plan out exactly what I would say in advance and even still be prepped for the worst. I can imagine things going very badly... .her getting extremely emotional and angry, maybe storming off. However, yes, we are very close. As a child I basically played the role of the parent, taking care of all of her emotional needs and in her words I am "her best friend."

That is kind of you to want to "catch up", but as her daughter, it is not your role to "support her through her problems". That is what a therapist does.

I would really really like for her to see a therapist. I think it could do wonders. But as things stand now... .she has no intentions of doing so. My hope is that I could somehow miraculously get her to see the light and want to seek help.

I really commend you for wanting to do this, but I just am concerned it'd backfire. Have you asked your psychology professors about this?

I have not. I think that would be great. I just don't know of any of my professors that have extensive knowledge with BPD.

Instead, I would lightly say "hey mom let's go for a walk, it's a beautiful day out!" Or, "Mom I'm trying to eat healthier, want to try this great new restaurant in town that makes awesome salads?" See if that sort of approach with how she reacts to life and people in her BPD helps. But don't frame it in a way that you are trying to tell her what to do, or trying to be her therapist. You're her DAUGHTER.

I think this is a great approach! For sure. I've mentioned to her before that I'm going to therapy and that it's really helping me and I enjoy it a lot. I feel like if I can talk about my own mental health, and how it's so important to me, that might spark a desire in her. However, I don't think just any old therapy for her will do. She actually did see a therapist once a while back. The therapist, bless her heart, did a lot more harm than good. She heard my mom talk about how horrible her husband and children are, how everyone victimizes her and treats her terribly. The therapist said "oh honey, you poor thing. You're not the one who needs therapy. They are." Which, first of all, what kind of therapist tells someone who is hurting that they don't need therapy? Maybe that is just my mom's version of it. Either way, if my mom goes into therapy not realizing that she has BPD, I feel like the sessions will just help to reaffirm her belief that everyone is out to get her and that she is a victim. That's why I think she needs to learn about BPD, and see someone who specializes in this problem.

Have you tried to help her see her thinking or behavior in the past? Does it work? Like, if she is complaining about a problem she's having with a coworker or something, and you've offered a healthy non BPD way of looking at the situation differently or handling it differently, is she open to it?

So, it depends. If she perceives something as a criticism, things can quickly take a turn for the worst. She does like advice though. She's a very indecisive person and constantly asks for other people's opinions on what she should do. But at the same time, it's the whole walking on eggshells thing. You could have a perfectly normal conversation with her, OR one small thing could make her fly completely off the handle. There actually was one time that she and I had an open, honest talk about some real issues. It was absolutely shocking and incredible. I talked to her a bit about the passive aggressiveness and the anger, and for once she actually opened up and listened without getting defensive. She has on rare occasions admitted to having some issues. But for the most part she likes to deny it and blame everyone around her.

Again, thank you so much for your response. I know it's not my job to be her therapist. And, being her parent/therapist as a child has cost my own mental health dearly. However, I simply care too much to just let it go. I am seeking help for myself currently, and am really working on getting to a better place after dealing with years of her abuse. More than anything, I just want her to be happy. 

[Panda39]

Hi colormerainbow 

I can hear how much you love and care about your mom.  I can also hear that you want to fix her, but I don't think that labeling her with a mental illness will go over very well no matter how well intentioned.   

If she perceives something as a criticism, things can quickly take a turn for the worst.

You can't make another person do something they don't want or are not ready to do or can't see (denial).  The only people we can change are ourselves.

I would really really like for her to see a therapist. I think it could do wonders. But as things stand now... .she has no intentions of doing so.

I also want to echo Peacefromwithin that it isn't your job to fix your mother even if she wants to be fixed and I will add that her happiness is also not your responsibility. She is an adult, you are not her parent, or her therapist or her emotional caretaker. 

More than anything, I just want her to be happy.

Below is a link on the topic of how to get someone to therapy that you might find helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

And a link to a discussion on telling someone they have BPD... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

I'm not trying to rain on your parade but I do think you need to have realistic expectations in terms of having this type of conversation with your mom.

I suggest learning as much as you can about BPD and think about what your role is in terms of your mom.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

I hope I've given some food for thought.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Peacefromwithin]

Wow, first of all I want to say thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed response. I appreciate it so much! You seem like a very kind and compassionate human being.

Thank you. I'm glad I could help. :-) I hope my details weren't a nuisance. I'm still working on that character flaw.

So, I'm not super familiar with the BPD subtypes. I just looked it up after reading your comment. After only briefly looking it over, the most fitting seems to be the "petulant" subtype. She's extremely passive aggressive and throws a lot of temper tantrums. She hates criticism and tends to project all of her problems onto others. So no... .it probably won't be easy at all.  
She seems to be very supportive of it. She takes a lot of pride in me going to college and getting a degree.

I don't think the BPD subtypes are official or anything. You won't find them in the DVM. However there's a book I think it's called "Understanding the Borderline Mother". Most mothers with BPD are mainly one or two of those types, even if sometimes they are all four. It's sad really because these people with BPD are emotionally stunted and are hurting and that's why they hurt others. I guess over the years my anger has turned into some compassion but I still need to protect myself from my family's stuff.  

Yeah... .so if I were to tell her, I would plan out exactly what I would say in advance and even still be prepped for the worst. I can imagine things going very badly... .her getting extremely emotional and angry, maybe storming off. However, yes, we are very close. As a child I basically played the role of the parent, taking care of all of her emotional needs and in her words I am "her best friend."

Hmm I wonder why you feel set on telling her that she has BPD? Why not leave the label out of it, and just try to help her learn healthy coping skills that will make her feel better?

I had a feeling you two were very close. I'm sure she loves you very, very much but is just very incapable emotionally of being an adult, let alone a parent. I personally love children and wanted to have them but somewhere deep inside, I knew that I would be way too overwhelmed and didn't want to screw up a child like I was screwed up. I don't think parents set out to screw their kids up.

How is your mother dealing with your being in college? I wonder if it is bringing up feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Some BPD mother's would sabotage a child's growth and success so that the child would always have to depend on them, thereby making the mother feel wanted, needed and loved. Your mother does not seem that type. But I still would proceed very gently with your turning into her professional therapist. I don't think it'd go over well for either of you. If you still want to do it, may I suggest you test the waters first.

I would really really like for her to see a therapist. I think it could do wonders. But as things stand now... .she has no intentions of doing so. My hope is that I could somehow miraculously get her to see the light and want to seek help.

I'm sorry she doesn't want to see a therapist. My guess is, either it's too painful to face things she doesn't want to face, or she's in fear that the therapist is going to say she's a bad mother. My mother went into a literal rage at my first psychologist, and all he did was say to her, "your daughter is depressed." It was scary. He even looked scared. Anyway my point is, I think because people with BPD have an extremely thin skin and extremely low self-worth, seeing a therapist may be extremely frightening for them. I'm assuming that self-awareness must be the most difficult thing for a pwBPD to face.

All I can think of, is if you do now and then test the waters about her seeking help, maybe put it in a positive light. Whenever she brings up a problem she's having, you could cheerfully say, "mom, this would be so great if you talked with a therapist about this issue. He/she could help teach you problem solving skills and you'll feel so much better." or something like that.

I have not. I think that would be great. I just don't know of any of my professors that have extensive knowledge with BPD.

That is an excellent point. They may just know about it from what textbooks mention, but may not have professional experience beyond that. I do know that DBT has become a very popular technique for helping those with BPD and I don't think they put it in a bad light, either. Check out Marsha Linehan's book on DBT, it's supposed to be the gold standard. She created it.

I think this is a great approach! For sure. I've mentioned to her before that I'm going to therapy and that it's really helping me and I enjoy it a lot. I feel like if I can talk about my own mental health, and how it's so important to me, that might spark a desire in her. However, I don't think just any old therapy for her will do. She actually did see a therapist once a while back. The therapist, bless her heart, did a lot more harm than good. She heard my mom talk about how horrible her husband and children are, how everyone victimizes her and treats her terribly. The therapist said "oh honey, you poor thing. You're not the one who needs therapy. They are." Which, first of all, what kind of therapist tells someone who is hurting that they don't need therapy? Maybe that is just my mom's version of it. Either way, if my mom goes into therapy not realizing that she has BPD, I feel like the sessions will just help to reaffirm her belief that everyone is out to get her and that she is a victim. That's why I think she needs to learn about BPD, and see someone who specializes in this problem.

That's great that you talk about therapy in a positive light. Your mom may have preconceived notions about therapy, due to her past experience or due to what she hears about. Oh boy yes that therapist fed into your mother's victimization. There are ways to validate a person's feelings without doing that. She also had no right to say that she doesn't need therapy but that your family does. I'm assuming a competent therapist would help your mother change her thinking and reactions toward her family members, but at the same time not making her feel invalidated. You bring up an excellent point that if she's seeing a therapist who doesn't realize she has BPD that it'll do much more harm than good. That's why DBT would be great for your mom. Maybe you can read the book, and then sort of teach her what you read. That way you'd be helping her without her even realizing it and you wouldn't be turning into mom's therapist.
 

So, it depends. If she perceives something as a criticism, things can quickly take a turn for the worst. She does like advice though. She's a very indecisive person and constantly asks for other people's opinions on what she should do. But at the same time, it's the whole walking on eggshells thing. You could have a perfectly normal conversation with her, OR one small thing could make her fly completely off the handle. There actually was one time that she and I had an open, honest talk about some real issues. It was absolutely shocking and incredible. I talked to her a bit about the passive aggressiveness and the anger, and for once she actually opened up and listened without getting defensive. She has on rare occasions admitted to having some issues. But for the most part she likes to deny it and blame everyone around her.

A common trait in those with BPD is that they take a lot of things personally and perceive things as criticism. Highly sensitive people. That's good she likes advice. That means she wants to problem-solve and not just vent. Is she able to take the advice? The indecisiveness is that she doesn't trust herself to make the right decision. She's seeking reassurance. I have that trait with certain things because my family spent my life filling my being with self-doubt. I have try to force myself to trust myself.

I'm sorry you feel you're walking on eggshells around her and that she flies off the handle. Know that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. It's easy in a person with BPD to hit a nerve. But that doesn't mean you should continue to walk on eggshells. Maybe when she's calm, you can ask her what caused her to get so upset, that you love her and just want to understand her better. She might not know the answer, but it will cause her to take a look within. The other problem is that people with BPD cannot face the fact that they flew off the handle, so they deny it happened, blame someone else for it happening, or get angry if you bring it up. I think if you bring it up in a concerned, I-care-about-you-mom sort of way, but in a light way, maybe she will be able to respond. But if the question makes her angry, then it's not the right time. Remind yourself it's nothing you did or said, even if she says that it was.

It's really difficult for a person with BPD to face their faults. I think they have such a deep, profound amount of self-hatred that they just can't face it when they act out. They're in a lot of pain and turmoil. It's really hard for them to see themselves in the moment, apologize, and change. I think they think that they cannot change and this is just who they are, and if they face up to a part of them that they can't change, they'll just feel that much more self-loathing.  

Again, thank you so much for your response. I know it's not my job to be her therapist. And, being her parent/therapist as a child has cost my own mental health dearly. However, I simply care too much to just let it go. I am seeking help for myself currently, and am really working on getting to a better place after dealing with years of her abuse. More than anything, I just want her to be happy.  

You're welcome. And I apologize again if my replies are very wordy or detailed. Your mom is so lucky to have such a caring, kind-hearted daughter. It doesn't sound like you're enabling her. It sounds like you really do just deep down care about her and want to help her.

Trying to love someone who does not love themselves is not an easy task. I give you a lot of credit.

You have my greatest respect, too, for working on yourself, dealing with her abuse, yet caring enough for her to want to help her. The compassion you have for your mother is inspiring. I spent my life living in a tremendous amount of anger toward my mother.

It was only within the last 5 years that I finally developed some compassion for her. I never realized she didn't feel loved and that's why she acted like she hated me so much. I hadn't seen her in a long time, and when I did, miracle of miracles, I actually wasn't anxious and was very calm. She must've sensed that, because I actually felt warmth from her. I've never felt warmth from her, ever.  

Please keep me posted. :-) I'm especially curious if you learn the techniques in the DBT workbook, try them out yourself, and then share them with your mother as a "hey mom can I teach you something I learned in therapy today?" or something like that. For example, if I remember correctly, mindfulness is taught in DBT and that is something anyone, borderline or not, could find extremely helpful. Same with meditation.

[Peacefromwithin]

Panda39's reply was clear, direct, brief, and absolutely spot-on.

Now go focus on your school work.  

[colormerainbow]

Hey, thank you everyone for your feedback and support. I appreciate it. I do realize it is not my job to fix my mom, and that the only person I can change is myself... .that being said I can't help feeling that I have to at least try and do something. It hurts me so much to watch her suffer. But, maybe my current plan is too confrontational and risky. I have one more plan to run by you guys. I hope you can forgive me for persisting in wanting to stage some sort of intervention, rather than just letting it go and moving on with my life. But I've been thinking... .maybe instead of telling her she has BPD (obviously bound to backfire) maybe I could be a bit more sneaky about it? I'm thinking that when I see her this summer, if we are just hanging out and thinking about watching a movie I could say "Hey, if you're interested there's this documentary I've been wanting to watch. My friend from one of my Psych classes keeps telling me to watch it; she says its super interesting. I guess it's about this one particular mental illness. Would you maybe feel like watching it with me?" I would then show her a documentary about BPD. I wouldn't say anything, or point any fingers. But she would then be educated about the disorder, and might have resonated with some of the things in the documentary. If so, it would then be in her hands to put two and two together and maybe look into BPD some more. What do you guys think?

[colormerainbow]

Thank you. I'm glad I could help. :-) I hope my details weren't a nuisance. I'm still working on that character flaw. 

Woah, stop right there. You do not need to apologize! Your responses were amazingly detailed and considerate and so helpful for me. I've recently come to the realization that I apologize for everything. I live my life in a state of guilt and shame, constantly worry about how I come across to others. I have this nagging feeling that I may have said something wrong, or that I should feel bad about myself. I've also recently come to realize that this is a result of being raised by a BPD mother! I don't mean to be presumptuous, because maybe you aren't like me at all. But I just want to say that you shouldn't feel like you need to apologize!

[Panda39]

I like the documentary idea, it could be a non-threatening non-finger pointing way to have a discussion. 

I've used movies and TV many times to have discussions with my son... .drugs, alcohol (his dad is an alcoholic), sex, homosexuality, racism etc... .

Now will she have the self-awareness to recognize the behaviors in herself she might or she might not and even if she does recognize the behaviors taking that and deciding to get help might be a big leap.

But like you said you have at least put the information out there. 

Panda39

[Notwendy]

If you do try to help- do so for you, not for expectations of how she will take it.

BPD is a spectrum. For my mother, I think she is beyond help. She has had years of psychiatric treatment but doesn't cooperate. When I speak to her, she acts like she truly believes she does not have a problem and any issues are caused by someone else. My mother perceives herself as a victim and takes victim position in discussions.

When talking to her, I "pick my battles". If it is important to me to say something, I say it. Often the response is for her to dysregulate. Once she does that, I think the flood of emotions either resets her thinking or she somehow erases what happened- either way, it is as if nothing happened and she acts fine.

I and other family members have tried to help her with various things over the years. Many times, they just go wrong. If I do try to help her in any way, I have to keep in mind my own reasons for doing so.

It's a spectrum. Some people may be open to getting help but some not.

[Peacefromwithin]

I'm thinking that when I see her this summer, if we are just hanging out and thinking about watching a movie I could say "Hey, if you're interested there's this documentary I've been wanting to watch. If so, it would then be in her hands to put two and two together and maybe look into BPD some more. What do you guys think?

One of my best friends in college (it's complicated) was a psychology major. One day during senior year, he asked me if I could type up a paper for him and read it while typing it to correct grammar. It was a paper on anorexia nervosa. (I was a very fast typist back then.)

I had zero self-awareness back then, and was horrendous at taking hints and the like. I was living in a facade of bouncy-bubbliness and extroversion (I don't know how else to describe it) to mask my extreme depression and anxiety (and PTSD) that I wouldn't allow myself to feel. I was anorexic and in incredible self-denial that there was any problem. If I remember correctly, I hid my eating habits in loose fitting clothes and in "stomach ache" excuses.

Anyways... .his plan worked. I didn't talk to him or anyone about it, but there was no way I could read/type that paper without it hitting me on some level. I went to the library the next day and read up on everything I could about eating disorders. He planted the seed. It was now on my mind without even realizing it.

Maybe one day I'll see him again face to face and can thank him for that.

It might be painful for your mom to face, but hopefully the documentary will give her a nudge of self-awareness in the right direction. Just be sure the documentary doesn't make pwBPD look like monsters, but instead that they are hurt people who were never shown love so have no self-love, and so they hurt others or something like that... .

I'm wondering though how she'll react. I guess be prepared for any sort of reaction--denial and numbness? Anger? Defensiveness? How does she usually act when she doesn't face truth she thinks she can't handle? Or maybe you'll be lucky and this will give her an honest break and a really good cathartic cry followed by a talk with you. Or maybe, like with my college friend and me, it'll lead her to privately think about her behavior that she was not allowing herself to see. Because I respected this particular friend, it made it easier to see. Had it been someone not close to me, I would've blown it off. You and your mom are close. There's hope.

Had he approached me in an "intervention", more firm and direct way, I do not know if I would've reacted the same way. Thinking back (it was a long time ago... .) I probably would've gotten nervous, uncomfortable, hyper, and sort of laughed it off and told him I was fine. He probably knew that I would've been way too emotionally immature and unable to handle a direct approach. And he knew that I would've been too clueless to pick up on an indirect approach. That's why the approach he used worked perfectly. I also recall him asking what I thought of the paper, and I didn't know what to say. I think I mumbled something. He probably picked up on my non verbal clues, though.

I hope sharing my experience helps you.

Your mom is so lucky to have a daughter like you.  

[Peacefromwithin]

Woah, stop right there. You do not need to apologize! Your responses were amazingly detailed and considerate and so helpful for me. I've recently come to the realization that I apologize for everything. I live my life in a state of guilt and shame, constantly worry about how I come across to others. I have this nagging feeling that I may have said something wrong, or that I should feel bad about myself. I've also recently come to realize that this is a result of being raised by a BPD mother! I don't mean to be presumptuous, because maybe you aren't like me at all. But I just want to say that you shouldn't feel like you need to apologize!

Thanks, CMR.  

I appreciate that a lot. It seems the more self-awareness I have, the worse I feel full of guilt/shame and the more apologizing I do. My husband recently reminded me that I'm making remarkable improvement on my self-awareness and the quickness of it, and that I am HUMAN. Shocking   right?  

Yes being raised by a BPD mother made me feel like if I wasn't absolutely robot-like-perfect with every single thing that I did, then I was a complete, utter, hopeless, lower than dirt, no good failure as a human being.   So I have to work more at laughing at myself and being okay with mistakes and allowing myself to grow. My BPD mother never let me fall, make mistakes, and learn from them, because of how it'd make her look. She was *extremely* impatient, too, so she often just made me feel stupid. A healthy mother allows their child time to figure out how to tie their shoes and process it. A BPD mother just rushes, is impatient, makes the child feel completely incompetent, and just does it for them.

With my self-awareness I've allowed myself to have these last 5 years, I am still trying to figure out if my detail-oriented nature is due to anxiety, due to perfectionism, or just a personality quirk. (Or sometimes I just get plain excited or overly absorbed in a topic and go off on details... .) I also want to know if it helps people or annoys them. I still would honestly love the gift of learning how to summarize my thoughts before I just speak them. But I take it this is something I just have to learn on my own... .

So thanks for that feedback!  

[Panda39]

If you do try to help- do so for you, not for expectations of how she will take it.

I want to echo Notwendy, just put the information out there but have no expectations, if you have expectations and she doesn't live up to them you could be disappointed or hurt.  Just by putting the information out there you know you've tried to help.

I will say again... .cause I'm annoying that way  ... .you can't change her, the only person that can change her is her.  But no one said you can't put some tools out there for her to pick up if she decides to.

Panda39

[Peacefromwithin]

... .you can't change her, the only person that can change her is her.  But no one said you can't put some tools out there for her to pick up if she decides to. Panda39

I apologize for writing so much on your thread but I wanted to chime in to offer my experience again as a person who had traits of BPD--but not actual BPD--from being raised by a pwBPD (according to my BPD-expertise therapist).

My experience was that I had no confidence that I could ever change. I think that's why I struggled so much with self-awareness; it was too painful. My traits felt like things that I had no control over. I thought they were just who I was.

My therapist explained how the traits weren't a part of me. I forget how, he did something with his hands--interlocking them and then not interlocking them.

Anyways, it was very hard for me to use the tools put there for me because I didn't trust myself that I wouldn't fail. When I finally did pick up the tools laid out at my feet, I picked them up and gave them a try and they worked.

But I still struggle with this. I also struggle with allowing myself to pick up tools that will help me to feel better about myself. I think it's a worthiness issue and guilt issue from how I was. So don't take it personally if your mom doesn't change. She may really want to, once she has the self-awareness, but she may think she will fail at trying to change. That's where a structured program like DBT may help her. I never did DBT but I'm sure it would've helped me. My therapist was concerned I'd find some people in a DBT group too triggering.

Hope that helps. I was typing as I was thinking so I hope that makes sense.