Verbal abuse and insists on moving near me

[anna58]

I am almost no contact. Kind of like being sort of pregnant  I guess:)

He is in another state now. It has been 3 weeks. I emailed that we can't be in romantic relationship. He asked me for info on getting an apt in my building. I gave him contact info for them. He asked me if I like it here.

I emailed that it may not be a good idea for him to come. I need a lot of time alone and to recover  my health ( I have a disability). He replied an hour ago with outrage.

He says I am racking up bad karma. That he has done so much for me and I am cold hearted just like my sister and it runs in the family. He listed what he has done for me. And now that I have a new place to live I don't need him anymore and so it doesn't matter what he needs.

I should not respond to this, I realize. Of course I want to say... .why is it a good idea for him to.come here if he feels that way about me and my family?

It is upsetting to read his rant. It hurts to know he thinks I am cold hearted. And it pissed me off to hear him say how much he helped me. He did. But I bent over backwards every day for him through many crises and offering a place to live and living with his extreme neediness. I know he is mentally ill and I have not set clear enough boundaries.
It is painful to keep pushing him away
 It is not my strong suit.

Is there something I need to say to make it even more clear? Or is it just time to go NC?

[GaGrl]

NC

[Lalathegreat]

The two weeks since things with my ex pwBPD ended have been riddled with accusatory texts explaining how I'm entirely in the wrong and everything is my fault.

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done to not respond. Everything in me wants to defend myself. But I know that as soon as I open that box he will either unleash more abuse, or he will attempt to suck me back in. And either way I'm better off not cracking that door ajar.

Hang in there... .

[Me-Time]

Anna,
I'm sorry you're having to go through the verbal abuse. Sadly, it's part of manipulation through FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I am subjected to this constantly from my ex. I'm still in the process of getting away (we no longer live together but still have ties to sever) but despite all of my efforts to end this peacefully and considerately for both of us, she texts periodically to berate me. Tells me how cruel I am, what a sick, demented person I am, how she would never have done something like this to me, on and on and worse. All meant to guilt, and possibly try to engage me in conversation that she feels could lead to us getting back together. Doesn't sound like a way to charm someone, does it? But she plans on me forgetting all of that if she can engage me and once the conversation moves in a more positive direction for her. How do I know this? I've fallen for it before. A few times. The best way to deal with this is No Contact. At the very least, Low Contact, if you have to remain in contact for necessary reasons (and be honest with yourself about what those are). Just remember, you are not those things. It's a tactic being used against you, nothing more.

[roberto516]

This makes me feel like an awful human because this is probably how I sounded when I raged on her after the discards. Even the karma bit.

But hang in there. I would not respond to it. Any response will add fuel to the fire. You have to heal now, and it's okay to be a little selfish in that.

[Me-Time]

Roberto,
I have said some terrible things to by xBPD also. Not making excuses for it, but we have been pushed to a breaking point. This was what KEPT me in the relationship so long - the thought that if I could only handle her outbursts better, not lose my temper. The fact of the matter is, I always started out rationally, but she would push and push and push until I lost it. Then she'd use that against me, as if only I had been better behaved the argument would not have escalated.  Truth is, no amount of rationality on my point would appease her. I used to say, even mother Theresa would run away screaming.  In discussion with a therapist,  I learned to accept that everybody has a breaking point. I'm a People Pleaser and I judge myself harshly when I have a negative reaction.  But again, everybody has a breaking point. Being discarded could easily bring someone to a breaking point. Please don't judge yourself so harshly. The focus should be more on you and what you can do to keep yourself from entering such a relationship again.  And in the meantime detaching from a toxic relationship.

[patientandclear]

Anna, he doesn't like your decision, and that makes sense, because the arrangement you are trying to put an end to works well for him (in his view). It does not work for you, but it does for him. And he doesn't want it to change.

You do. That's fine--it's fine that you two have different views about whether what has gone on between you is a good and healthy arrangement. You've made what sounds like an important decision to stop a dynamic that wasn't good for you. He was never going to be in favor of your choice, but that doesn't make it wrong. You based it on years of knowledge and experience. You know how it made you feel.

If possible, to yourself and to him, it may be best to acknowledge that you understand that he would prefer a different arrangement but that his preference does not work for you; and to do so pleasantly and without insisting that he share your views (and without repeating yourself if he again objects and criticizes you). It's OK that he feels differently. He has a very different emotional makeup and value system and he does not need to share yours.

For what it's worth it seems clear you are making good decisions here.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Anna,

What he has said is meant to provoke a response.  Now is your chance to get those boundaries in place.  I was sort of pregnant too for a while and what I did to draw a line in the end was to send a message that absolutely clarified that I didn't want him to contact me any more.  I made it pleasant, emotion free and about myself and what I want, as well as stating that it was for the best for both of us.  Kept it short and then haven't responded to a single attempt to contact me since.  It has been 3 months and I'm doing much better.  Communication attempts are tailing off altogether and he has me replaced with another rescuer.  Just think about his behaviour and ask yourself if you'd want that on your doorstep day in day out?  Do what is best for you.  It is hard but try to fight your way through the fog he's dropped on your head.  I have a chronic pain condition and you don't need me to tell you we have ENOUGH to deal with already without a messed up relationship that is dysfunctional and draining.  Keep your energy for yourself.

Love and light x