Idealize, devalue, discard - with hobbies, purchases, other objects (than you)?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was practicing extreme self-care today and while I was mindfully getting a massage, a memory popped into my head about my STBXHwBPD.

Over the years, he exhibited the same idealize, devalue, discard (often destroy in order to discard) with hobbies, purchases, and other objects.  It helped me realize as an "object" to him, it really wasn't personal that he lost interest, it really was an expression of the shiny toy that lost its sparkle and was discarded. 

I watched him do this with a beautiful $400 worn in leather messenger bag discarded for a $17.99 clearance bag we got for a trip.  It also happened with any new clothing... .immediately the tags were torn off and it was worn and old favorites were never to be worn again and were somehow damaged with bleach.  He damaged the heck out of the inside of my older car and when I had to replace the carburetor, he questioned whether we shouldn't just get a new car instead of fixing the old one.  When I reminded him we couldn't afford a new car because of his ridiculous and irresponsible spending and my car still looked good and had minimal wear for being older, my car was suddenly showing up with dents and scratches on the outside and tremendous wear and trashing on the inside.

Was wondering if any of you had seen the same behaviors with your pwBPD?  Mine also has ASPD aspects, so it may be that side, but I'd be curious to hear your experiences.

[HopinAndPrayin]

I was practicing extreme self-care today and while I was mindfully getting a massage, a memory popped into my head about my STBXHwBPD.

Over the years, he exhibited the same idealize, devalue, discard (often destroy in order to discard) with hobbies, purchases, and other objects.  It helped me realize as an "object" to him, it really wasn't personal that he lost interest, it really was an expression of the shiny toy that lost its sparkle and was discarded. 

I watched him do this with a beautiful $400 worn in leather messenger bag discarded for a $17.99 clearance bag we got for a trip.  It also happened with any new clothing... .immediately the tags were torn off and it was worn and old favorites were never to be worn again and were somehow damaged with bleach.  He damaged the heck out of the inside of my older car and when I had to replace the carburetor, he questioned whether we shouldn't just get a new car instead of fixing the old one.  When I reminded him we couldn't afford a new car because of his ridiculous and irresponsible spending and my car still looked good and had minimal wear for being older, my car was suddenly showing up with dents and scratches on the outside and tremendous wear and trashing on the inside.

Was wondering if any of you had seen the same behaviors with your pwBPD?  Mine also has ASPD aspects, so it may be that side, but I'd be curious to hear your experiences.

[roberto516]

Well my ex has a shopping addiction. The one that stood out for me was our pets. The dog she had before we got together she would ship off to her parents for a weekend or week because, deep down, she didn't want to walk him every morning/night. She got her yoga teacher's cat and she kept it for 2 days and then asked the teacher to take it back because it was just laying under the bed. Granted I stayed over her house 4-5 nights a week, but she didn't even consult me about it. Then the dog we got together I could see the dislike coming because she wasn't house trained (well she was pad trained, but obviously she wanted to keep it in the crate while we were at work instead of putting pads down which killed me). So I took her when I moved out... .and she roams the house and back yard all day and night instead of being in a crate

My situation might have more to do with the fact that, as I assume with other people's exe's, the second something went wrong or wasn't as planned/didn't produce immediate results she wanted to discard it. Just like me. The second I was a burden because I finally realized that we both had to put work in it was over. Interesting thread for sure.

[Lalathegreat]

I don't think that my expwBPD literally DESTROYED his old hobbies, but he definitely had a pattern of taking up hobbies to an extreme and then quitting on a dime when he lost interest. He's a big time gamer so there was frequently a lot of money invested in game cards, game pieces, expansions, etc. All now sitting unplayed on shelves in his home. Same with video games. One time he took 2 sick days so that he could play the new season of Diablo for 4 days straight and then within weeks was totally over it.

I was never sure if it was a BPD thing, but it would make sense if it was.

[hope2727]

Lets see there was... .

Martial Arts - uniforms, classes, competitions, demonstrations
Rock/Ice Climbing - helmets, harness, gear etc.
Music - Guitars, tuners, CD self teaching program
Video games - accounts, games, hours and hours of time
Motorcycle - $14000.00 bike, helmets, saddle bags, custom seat, back pack jacket, gloves, trips etc.
Scuba diving - Vest, rebreather, wet and dry suits, lessons, gloves, lights, camera, etc etc etc
University - tuition, books, tutors, bags, supplies etc
New condo - furniture, art, bedding, kitchen supplies etc.
Pets - bought and then left with ex wife
Friends - adored and then ignored

All abandoned once the new wore off. I have one or two things like this in my life but they usually last for YEARS not months. ITs sad really. So yes they seem to be endlessly searching for some magic something or someone that will fill the emotional void they experience.

[hope2727]

Oh and that doesn't even touch on vacations, career plans or clothes. Wow the clothes. It was totally unreal. He once had a hissy fit because he was broke and couldn't afford a hoodie he wanted. He bought it anyway. When we got home he went to hang it on the back of the bedroom door and realized he had already bought it a few weeks before and forgotten. He didn't even have the tags off the first one. Thats how many clothes he owned. It was unbelievable.

[Huh?]

My ex fiancé waif/hermit talked non stop about flying planes.  She used to go watch them take off at the airport, just sit there for hours.  She loved flying movies, museums, models, etc.  She talked about wanting to be a pilot, how amazing it would be.

One day she and I went to the airport to watch planes, she was as excited as usual.  She would just sit there, dreaming of being in the air. 

So as we about to leave for the afternoon, I noticed a nearby flight school that was about to close and I grabbed her hand and took her into the school.  We talked to an instructor, I booked her first lesson immediately. I even volunteered to go with her and sit in the back seat as she flew for the first time, and document it.

She was excited, we did her first lesson.  I paid for her books, manuals.  She changed her facebook and social media profiles... .telling the world she was getting her license, started studying for the exams... .

And then STOP.  Just like that, she was done... .said it was to hard and expensive.

Same thing with her photography, talked endlessly about it... .but put no effort into it.  I bought her a camera, went on shoots with her for support, taught her to edit with photoshop, etc.  It was Soon as it started... .she gaslight me, told me I never supoorted her photography, never went on shoots with her.

It frustrated me so much to see her let her passion go nowhere.

I'll say this, she loves the outdoors and she never stopped doing that... .I was replaced immediately so she wouldn't be alone as she explored... .which was our thing I thought.  Guess not.