Ready to heal the wounds that keep reopening

[KDRedfox]

I always knew my mother wasn't quite right. I thought it was some sort of depression, but as I struggled and worked through my own depression and anxiety over many, many years I realized that her problems are beyond that.

Someone I know well who is in mental health and also knows her, told me its probably BPD. So I read up on that and on Narcissistic PD, and suddenly it ALL made sense.

Next week I begin the fourth round of therapy in my 42 yrs. This will be the first time that I'm not going in there in panic mode to focus on my own anxiety and depression, wondering why she affects me so much. This time I'm mostly calm and collected. I've learned the cause and I'm ready to truly start healing.

I'm here today because I realize I will need support through the process- the type that only other people like me can give.  In return I hope I can do the same for others.

[Turkish]

Hi KDRedfox,



I'm only slightly older than you.  I think I realized that things were weird around 1980, and my mother's first get-rich-quick scheme with "space food" at the time of the first shuttle launch.  The constant smacking of me, and berating were other clues,  aside from other things... .

What specifically are you struggling with right now, and how can we help?

Turkish

[KDRedfox]

Hi Turkish,
Thank your for the welcome. My mom never had a get rich scheme but she did get violent in her words and physically.  I'm sorry you had to bear with that too.

To answer your question my current struggle is what to do next. I'm not talking to her right now as a result of a disastrous visit last week which ended up with me kicking her out to a hotel on her last night in the state.  From her end I know she's giving me the "silent treatment" she so often punished me with.  Funny enough I'm okay with it nowdays. I'm glad actually.  Talking to her is so taxing - physically and emotionally.

Anyway, the struggle is now that I've read up on the characteristics on the disorders and its brought up a lot of old memories I'd blocked and it's reopening those old hurts I thought I'd already worked through. 

And I'm also confused.  My head keeps telling me I should be the better person and call, she's my mother I should forgive, she's mentally ill so I need to show patience, kindness and love, I have to make peace with her to keep my nice but enabling stepdad and brother in my life. But the truth is I don't want her around the way she is now.  Especially after I heard her blabbing to her friend on the phone some horrible lies about my husband. She crossed the line and I told her so.

 It also didn't help that she spat out that I'd be nothing without her and that the only reason I'd lived with her instead of my dad was because I wanted a comfortable rich lifestyle (a lie, I stayed because as a 14 year old caring person I mistakenly thought I could fix/help her).

To add to this, my husband said he's had enough.  He no longer wants any contact with her... .and he is a mental health professional who deals with people like her on a daily basis so he's already shown tremendous patience with the situation for over 17 yrs so I can't blame him. He's the one who had to help me as I got through the worst of it and took the brunt of my anxiety and depression problems.

So my next step is figuring out how to proceed.  Do I got from low contact to no contact and give up the rest of my family?  Or do I tolerate her for the sake of having a brother and stepfather?

What have you (or others reading) done in this case?