I need help, please Want to avoid a Breakup

[AtticWisdom]

Hi everyone, it's a great relief to know that a place like this exists. I need help in a bad way, I'm really not sure what to do right now... .

I'll try to be brief, but I do tend to be long-winded. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. I love her very much, and actually think that she's a wonderful person! We are not married but just recently moved in together. She also has three children from a previous marriage, and I am helping to raise them, so there are children in the home. We live on the same property as her parents and sister, so luckily there are a lot of adult figures around.

Pretty soon after we first got together, my girlfriend was diagnosed with Bipolar I - Rapid Cycling/Mixed Episode. I know that this seems to be the wrong disorder for this forum, however I've slowly come to the belief (just myself, so far no medical professional has brought it up) that BPD is actually a much better fit for her symptoms. She can be incredibly jealous (but also completely unaware of when she's making me jealous), quick to anger, sometimes enthusiastically impulsive to a level that makes other people uncomfortable, easily hurt by the slightest remark and very slow to forgive, prone to sulking or "shutting down" and sometimes complete tantrums, and her mood swings completely by the day, sometimes within the day. She never found medication helpful for Bipolar, although she did go through therapy for almost a year. During that time, I saw her make some great strides—it was around this time that her initially complete idealization of me began to wear off, and the therapy seemed to help her get through our blowout arguments and her issues with other people outside of our relationship as well.

However, she eventually did stop going to therapy, and her attitude towards it (and especially medication, not to mention the label of a "disorder" itself) has gotten extremely dismissive, even hateful. There are some legitimate reasons which I can explain later, but I should get to the current issue.

Last weekend, we had some friends visiting—a couple that she grew up with, and my childhood best friend. My girlfriend was sulky and rude all weekend, which everyone saw. However, she did move heaven and earth to make sure that we all had a good time. On the last night (my friend had already left), my girlfriend joined us out at a bonfire and she seemed to be transformed, really in a good mood. She gave me a kiss, which she hadn't in days, and sat down next to me, happily shooting the breeze with her friends. But over time, she started inserting jabs aimed at me into the conversation, apparently hoping to get a rise out of me. I tried my best not to respond, and just stay solid, without effacing myself (which I've been trying to improve lately). But eventually the remarks and the conversation got more and more insulting, even nonsensical, and overtly sexual in nature. Basically it seemed like my girlfriend wanted to take all of my insecurities and rub them in my face, which she did with abandon. As soon as I started to stick up for myself, it only got more intense, and she got angry too. At one point she grabbed my drink and chucked it into the fire, I guess just to see how I would react. She yelled at me for smothering her and trying to ruin her good time. By the way, by gf does not drink at all, she was the most sober person there (though nobody was drunk). There was more, but I'll leave it there.

When it finally wound down and we went to bed, my gf was chilly and hostile. She told me how much I had insulted her, and that I would need to move out. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing, but I was so angry that I just agreed. But I couldn't sleep. That night at the bonfire is still burned into my brain... .I can't describe it fully, but it actually disturbed me to my core. I've seen her like that before, out of control but unwilling to admit that she is, but never to that extent.

The next morning seemed better at first. She was cold, wouldn't speak to me, but wasn't telling me to leave. Eventually we had words again. I no longer had any "cool" left to give, I was sick of trying to smooth things over. She told me "There is no recovering from this." I said, "Fine, this seems pretty toxic." And at that, she screamed and ran at me, started hitting me, tried to twist one of my fingers until breaking, and kept that up until I was able to divert her away, and say something that caused her to snap out of it a little. She took a few more swings and then left.

When I called my best friend, he basically told me to get out of there, and that he'd be there as soon as possible to get me. Once my girlfriend knew that I was actually leaving, things changed. She switched from rage and dismissal to an ever-shifting bombardment of guilting me, begging, getting angry, and back to guilting.  I finally told her that I was leaving for a few days at the very least, and that we would need to go to couples counseling if she wanted me to come back at all. She initially agreed.

So I left. I tried not to communicate with her for a while, but she knows just how to press my buttons. I've told her that I need her to attend therapy. With me, for sure, but ideally by herself as well. She needs someone to talk to honestly without me being present. She refuses individual counseling and is starting to backslide on the couples counseling too. Also her remorse about physically attacking me is always modified by "... .but you deserved it for calling me toxic." So I'm not going back until I get some sort of concession. That has been my plan anyway... .that's what I'm so unsure of.

Honestly, our relationship has been suffering for a while. She no longer seems to respect me, she thinks I'm whiny and needy because she is working while I am looking for a job (since I just moved). I've noticed the way her interactions with me have shifted, more and more towards disrespect, even annoyance, and I've brought it up with her... .but she takes my observations as attacks on her entire personality, she says that I just want to change her. But she's already changed, and that's what is frightening me.

Does this sound like BPD? What can I do? Should I hold fast to my original commitment, that there must be some kind of therapy before I go back? How can I de-escalate our arguments more effectively?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Emotions]

I am no professional so take my words with a grain of salt... .once mine started to not listen to my advice or care anymore, she did the same thing... .it was like i was boring or annoying to be around for her. It was better from time to time as they call it crumbs on this forum. Not enough food to survive on, but just enough to keep my hope alive. Good luck, because you might be flushed with contradictory feelings of wanting to stay at all cost, and needing to leave for sanity at all costs... .either decision kind of sucks in the short term anyway, and the long run is yet to be seen for me as it's not even 2 weeks for me being apart yet. Peace

[AnuDay]

Yes, this sounds like BPD mixed with something else.  I would say that its a bit odd for a pwBPD to have an outburst like that and also take control in a public setting, usually it's done in private.  The episode that you just described sounds like you crossed into the borderline zone.  That is when the pwBPD has complete control of the situation through their illogical usage of logic.  They leave you to try to understand their illogical reasoning.  They cut you to your very core with comments or actions that are delivered to your weakest insecurity like a laser guided missile.  This sounds very borderline.  The fact that she bounced back and forth between guilt, anger, and pleasure afterwards also sounds borderline.  The fact that she cannot commit to therapy or even you sounds borderline. 
Once my upwBPD starts showing disinterest and disrespecting what I say, I know that an intense blow up is around the corner.  I usually try to postpone it for as long as possible, but that is not healthy.  It adds unnecessary stress to life. 

[JoeBPD81]

Wow, that sounds scary!

you helped me and I wanted to see if I could show you some support.

There are as many kinds of borderline as there are people. Only one of the 9 signs that tell if someone has borderline is about trouble with relationships. It could be. It can be mistaken for bipolar, but someone can even have both things. I had a brother in law who was bipolar and his behavior matches very much what you descrived.

Anyway, it went out of hand, and you did well in protecting yourself and taking some distance at least to think. Are the kids safe?

My GF has a love/hate relationship with the diagnosis. It was very hard to take, but then it's almost like she is proud to have it. And it gave her a lot of peace to come to terms with it. Things that hadn't made sense all her life, suddently make sense.

She knows she has inappropiate rage. She can analize it now, and understand there is no real reason to be so angry (with me). Then she feels ashamed of being so "bonkers" as to know this but still can't stop to be angry. Then she feels resentment as to "why do I have to make an effort to not be angry when it is how  I am?" and hates me more. As if stopping the anger was a betrayal to herself in favor of "some guy". Then she feels she can't stop even if she wanted. And then she feels very guilty about hurting me (That I'm "so good" and then resentful to me (for being "so f-ing perfect" for feeling that guilt. It's like a ball of snow growing and growing out of control. A very small thing can start that snow -ball.

The diagnosis can help in focusing all efforts in the same direction. Therapy, family and yourself working towards the same can help her and improve the situation a lot. While all of you focused in the wrong thing or in different things, even with the best intentions, can be harmful. But not you, not her, nor we at this board can diagnose her.

Have a look at the book "the buddha and the borderline". Being an auto-biography both you and her can see if she is identified by the woman in the book. I saw many similarities and some differences. For her it was a powerful experience, she hated me for asking her to read it, but after finishing it, she is very thankful that she read it. She doesn't feel alone with her disorder anymore.

Having all those strong feelings and reactions and not understand why, just knowing you are not "wired right", it can be very disorienting in life. The least you know the more threatening everything looks.

I work sometimes with people who can't read and write, or do simple math. So they don't trust anything. Normal everyday things sound like black magic to them. They come to me to ask for government support, and all the paperwork is science fiction to them. If they knew, there is nothing scary there. But we fear what we don't understand. When you don't understand what is happening with your own thoughts and feelings, it must be the most scary thing. So I think it's really important that they know is something that it is studied, and there are tools and treatment. Instead of insecurity.

Good luck!

[AtticWisdom]

Hey there, I wanted to check in and also thank you all for your support and understanding. For now the situation is resolved, but I do have my doubts... .

My GF called me after work one day. She sounded completely different than before, finally clear-headed, willing to talk about her thoughts and feelings, not aggressive in any way. She said that her future self would regret it immensely if she didn't work to resolve this. She agreed to couples counseling and said that she would voluntarily get in contact with her old therapist (who was a hard-ass in a way that was very good for my GF, if grueling) the next time she felt disregulated. I have my reservations about whether that would actually happen, but I was comforted by the fact that she no longer sounded completely biased against therapy.

I came back, and since then things have been good. She seems like her old self with me. At the same time I'm aware that this may be fleeting, brought about by the threat of abandonment. But I'll take it for now, and I'm making sure that I have resources in place (like this forum) for the next time something like this happens.

My GF's particular brand of Bipolar diagnosis is so rare and specific (and she was also diagnosed with PTSD) that it's very hard to find resources that seem to fit. Whether she has BPD or not, or some combination, this place and the kind of stories and/or recommendations that I see appear to be the best fit for me as her partner.

Again, thank you. It's just good to have ears to hear.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Sorry you're going through this. And please know that physical abuse isn't acceptable just because the gender roles are switched.

Also her remorse about physically attacking me is always modified by "... .but you deserved it for calling me toxic."

That's an abuser, by definition. If you blame the person you attacked for 'making you' attack them, or justify it in any other way, you're an abuser. Whatever you decide, realize that going back without enforcing consequences for abuse sends the message to the abuser that you find what they did acceptable. And what do toddlers do when they get away with something bad? They do it again.

I've noticed the way her interactions with me have shifted, more and more towards disrespect, even annoyance, and I've brought it up with her... .but she takes my observations as attacks on her entire personality, she says that I just want to change her. But she's already changed, and that's what is frightening me.

To me this sounds like classic devaluation process. If you've read around the boards, you'll have seen others despairing over how quickly they can switch from 'loving' you to feeling nothing. Once they start devaluation, it can lead to imminent discard, or the fear of abandonment can send them curving back to being 'nice' to keep you - in which case, the cycle often repeats many times. Just as an fyi, nearly 50% of people with BPD were originally misdiagnosed as Bipolar. It's really in the specificity of triggers that the differential diagnosis is possible, and unfortunately, it's only people who get involved with a Borderline who will get to see that up close, as it's mostly in that context that the worst symptoms are triggered. For whatever it's worth, all the behavior you cite here sounds more like BPD than Bipolar to me, and honestly, there is a good chance that this is, as you yourself suspect, just a fleeting peace, brought on by the threat of abandonment. But if you want to stay, you'll find a variety of techniques here to 'manage' their rage and instability, and the skills to successfully be the emotional caretaker in the relationship.

[AtticWisdom]

Hi Lightness, thank you for the response. I agree with everything you said. And I probably should have mentioned that, along with therapy, I gave my partner a list of my "needs" in the relationship, with the understanding that they must be respected for us to continue. At the top of the list, and I underlined this many times in conversation with her, was that physical violence is completely unacceptable. I'm not sure that she really understands the gravity of it, but I made my expectations clear.

My partner has been in abusive relationships before (where her partner was abusive, but I'm guessing that it was somewhat mutual), and I think that for her it has become a somewhat normalized expression of frustrated love. But that certainly doesn't excuse it. I'm working hard to establish boundaries, but I'll admit that it is a new experience and I'm kind of fumbling through it.