broken hearted over the thought of hurting him

[talking rose]

How do I get over this feeling that I feel so bad for my husband.  My heart is broken for him.  I saw him today and I wanted to give him a hug to cheer him up.  (He was recently diagnosed with depression. But he also blames his depression on me.)  Every time I think of filing for divorce, which my gut tells me I have to do, in fact it is way overdue and a long time coming, but every time I think about it, I have to fight back tears imagining how he will react to it.  I really don't want to hurt him.  But I also cannot continue this way any longer.  How do I do this kindly?  And is it normal for me to be so worried about hurting him that I cannot do what I need to do to protect myself from him and to move on with my life?

[heartandwhole]

Hi talking rose,

This is so hard. I'm sorry that this is happening to your relationship. I can really understand feeling torn. Divorce IS heartbreaking.

And is it normal for me to be so worried about hurting him that I cannot do what I need to do to protect myself from him and to move on with my life?

So many of us have felt like this. I know I have. I have never gone through a divorce, but perhaps a way to do it kindly is to focus as much as possible on yourself and what you need to do, so that he may not be as triggered by feelings of blame and shame.

I think so often we think we are strong enough (or maybe stronger than our partners) to handle the heartbreak of separating for good, so we continue the caretaker role. It's also a way to avoid feeling guilt about leaving, putting ourselves first, etc. If we make it as easy as possible for the other person, we don't have to feel the pain of being the "bad guy/gal."

But when we do that we both avoid growing because neither of us is dealing directly with our feelings. It's difficult to change patterns, but it can happen, with determination and self-compassion.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[talking rose]

perhaps a way to do it kindly is to focus as much as possible on yourself and what you need to do, so that he may not be as triggered by feelings of blame and shame.



heartandwhole

This rings very true for me.  I know I haven't always done this in my marriage, and now that I am learning more about BPD, I feel broken hearted that I hurt him this way.  Even now, considering how and when to file for divorce, I am finding myself thinking more about how he will take it than about what I need to do for myself and the kids.  I  know this isn't healthy for me or for him.  I need to shift focus.  Easier said than done   Any tips how to do this?

[Mutt]

Hi talking rose,

I  know this isn't healthy for me or for him.  I need to shift focus.  Easier said than done  Any tips how to do this?

What you're describing, thinking about someone else's needs and neglecting your needs is enmeshment, you're thinking as one identity and not two separate identities.

BPD is not your fault, our love can't cure the disorder, we're not above the disorder, he needs to be treated by professionals, re-direct your compassion towards yourself for self compassion.

He has social impairments, but he's also responsible for his own self management, does he want to get help? Is he willing to go to treatment for BPD?

We wind up spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about THEM and not thinking about ourselves. We put our needs and our desires on the back burner, hoping that eventually we will be repaid for our kindness and thoughtfulness.

     
This article should give you some tips.
      
Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence                                                                   

[Lucky Jim]

And is it normal for me to be so worried about hurting him that I cannot do what I need to do to protect myself from him and to move on with my life?

Hey talking rose, Most of us Nons have codependent tendencies, because otherwise we wouldn't be in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  In other words, we tend to be caretakers and at the same time avoid taking care of ourselves.  Your quote, above, sums up that dynamic well.  I agree w/H&W and Mutt, above, that it can be unhealthy when we put others above ourselves.  At the end of the day, you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult; you are, however, responsible for your own well-being.

LuckyJim