Introduction

[MoodyBluez]

Hello. I am convinced that my mother has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder-not classical but quiet- and I am emotionally exhausted from dealing with her. I guess I just wanted to know that I am not the only one is this boat and perhaps get some help and suggestions with how to deal with her. I am in my late 40's, my mother is 67.

I will try to give a brief history of my situation. Growing up, I knew my mother to be both harsh and sweet.Some days she was understanding, others she was vindictive and cold. My father, who I now know to be a classic narcissist, left when I was 10. My mother remarried when I was 13. Her moods seemed to regulate as long as this person was around. They stayed married for 25 years until he unexpectedly died from sudden onset leukemia-3 weeks between diagnosis and death.

Her husband sexually molested me on three occasions, prompting me to run away to live with my narcissistic father. Through various manipulations of emotion and legal proceedings and threats, I returned to live with my mother upon threat that my father (who I idolized at the time) would be arrested and put in jail. She did not believe my accusations, and even went so far to try to convince me that I was insane and that my actual father had committed these crimes, not her husband. I spent the rest of my teen years sleeping with a butcher knife between my mattresses and a locked bedroom door. I was gone as soon as I graduated from high school. I tried to mend my relationship with my mother, because who doesnt want to have a mother? But I could never quite forgive her for not having my back and she never really could forgive me for making such "slanderous and false" accusations against such a perfect person. He never owned up to the acts and was more than happy for my entire family to think I was a disturbed teenager that was both crazy and a liar.
This may sound sick, but life was much easier with my mother when this guy was alive.
I was in the hospital room when they were trying to resuscitate him. My mother was inconsolable and my brother was in shock. We watched them shock him over and over again. I was stoic-it was sort of an out of body experience- and finally told them to stop. It felt really good that I was the one that was going to get to put an end to his life. I was happy and relieved he was gone. That lasted for about a month.

The man was a very beloved member of his community and my mother garnered a lot of attention that she really seemed to feed off after his passing. But, the sympathy and attention waned after a few weeks and life for everyone had to go back to some sense of normalcy. This is when BPD really seemed to rear its ugly head.
 
I understand grief and really tried to be there to support my mother. I worked full time, was married, and had two teenagers and a one year old, but I went to all the meetings with her lawyer, helped her clean out her house, paint it and list it because she couldnt bear to be in it. I went house hunting for a new house, then helped her pack and move and paint the new house. All of these things were normal. We made sure to include her in family dinners at my house when I had them and called her frequently to check on her. She'd cry often (normal) and everytime I felt she was overwhelmed I'd go over to her house and sit with her and try to console her. But this went on for months. Again, Im no expert on grieving, but it was starting to overtake her life and I went with her to the doctor to discuss getting her on an anti-depressant. The anti depressant seemed to work.
 
She started to seem to get back to what I would call normal for her, and then two months later she announced that she had met someone on the internet and was getting married and moving to Wyoming. She was on an extreme emotional high-this guy was perfect, could do no wrong, and creepily looked very much like her dead husband-to the point that it really disturbed the grandkids.

She married the guy in her backyard-I was trying to be supportive by helping her decorate for the wedding, cooking the food, etc. I very much wanted her to be happy but of course, my brother and I tried to reason with her, to get her to slow down, to give it a few months of really getting to know him before marrying him.
But, she rented out her house, we packed her stuff and she moved to Wyoming.
Then the calls started coming. Crying, mad at her new husband, she wasn't getting enough attention, she was being left alone... .Abandoned. That word would become the new buzzword in my life. He didn't understand her, he didn't speak her love language, etc. Within three months of marrying him, she forced him into marriage counseling. Then after a month of that (apparently she wasn't getting her way and was being called out on some bad behaviors on her part) she packed all of her things and moved back to my town. She couldnt move back to her house because there were now renters in it, so she rented a house right around the corner and we moved her into it. Her poor husband (who really turned out to be a very nice guy but with just no clue of what he had gotten himself into) quit his job, made a grand gesture of selling his house and tried to restart his career in our town. She LOVED this, and she let him move into her home with her. We moved him in. Two months later, she calls me crying, angry, he doesn't understand her, he is unsympathetic, blah blah blah. She kicks him out, files for divorce, he has definitely had enough, and we move him out. Her renters move out of her home, and we move her out of her rental back into her home.
She claims he emotionally abused her and goes into counseling. After three sessions she unexpectedly quits counseling, takes herself off her anti depressants and wallows in self pity and starts really clinging to me and my brother. She actually got a job at the school I was teaching at, and tried to ride to work with me, wanted to eat lunch with me everyday, have the same friends, etc. She was indeed, lost, but was smothering me-to the point where I quit my teaching job to get away from her.

Six months later she married another man off the internet, had a facelift, and let him move into her home. This guy was a jerk, she said he was emotionally abusive, she was financially supporting him so she lost a lot of money. She ended up at my house one day curled into a fetal position in my guest room, wailing and  saying he had raped her.  She refused to go to the hospital and we had dealt with the hysteria and emotional swings for so long, we were at a loss. My husband and brother went over to her house and told her husband it was time for him to move out. He said he was going to his sisters house for a couple of days to let her cool off, and then he would try to talk to her. The next day, my mother had us move every single item of his out of her house into some storage units and change the lock on her door. My husband had to meet him to give him the keys to his storage locker.
She hated him, was never going to talk to him.
Again, we went through a depressive and clingy cycle.
4 months later he called, he was in therapy, he had seen the error of his ways, he missed her (and her money which she all to willingly parted with for him) and he wanted to try again.
She took the bait. She was exuberant. We had to help move him back in.
2 months later he was out again. She was despondant. He was the worst ever. She was stupid.
 
At this point, my patience is shot, my whole family is sick and tired of moving her, and I am more than emotionally drained. She was sucking the life out of me. If I came over when she called, I was the best. If I told her I couldnt come, she hated me. I'd receive scathing emails in the middle of the night berating me for my insensitivity and lack of understanding, and then she'd call in the morning and want to go out for lunch-her treat. She was chipper and acted like nothing was wrong. She'd make mean comments about my weight, my appearance, my husband, etc. But if I said something back, all hell would break loose.
I started avoiding her calls. We started turning out the lights upstairs and hanging out in our basement so she couldnt tell we were home. We were literally hiding from my mother-it was ridiculous.

Now she was lonely, ashamed of failed marriages, bawling. Every family get together, every holiday she managed to turn into a pity party for herself. My marriage was strained, my brother's marriage was strained, my kids were having to deal with a emotionally unstable grandparent that literally stalked them at work and would make them feel guilty for not stopping what they were doing (cashiering for a line of customers) and paying attention to her. Everyone had abandoned her, she was so alone. Repeatedly taking herself off of meds because she was feeling better, so she was cured, right? She went back to therapy but that lasted only 4 sessions before she did some self discovery and could address her problems on her own. She later said that the doctor suggested she was presenting a lot of symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and that she didn't really think that he could help her because he was obviously a quack.
This went on for years.
Last year, my husband got a job opportunity in another state. He jumped at it. It was an immediate pay raise and an excellent opportunity for advancement. She turned it into an act AGAINST her-there was no thought as to what a great thing this was for my husband. It was all about her and how I was abandoning her. She calls me sobbing, telling me how isolated and lonely she is, but always posting on facebook how she is going here and there, with many friends. She attends three different churches  in order to keep her busy. She is never alone. Her friends think she is the greatest thing ever-so sweet, so supportive, so giving.
She found out the church I attend does a broadcast on the internet every Sunday. She would text me every Sunday morning asking me what section I was sitting in so she could watch for me on tv. I half-jokingly said that was stalkerish. That earned me a couple of scathing emails and wailing phone calls. My poor adult children still live near her, but are already making plans to move away because she has decided to glom onto them in my absence. They are married and have full time jobs, but she expects them to run their life around her schedule. Its awful. I feel so bad for my kids. My husband is out of support and is just irritated by her. I am guilt ridden because I feel so happy to be away from her but that I have left my two older kids there without me as a buffer.
It has gotten to the point where I feel like I am a crazy person. I am constantly questioning whether I am being overdramatic, unreasonable, and  cruel in my reactions to her. I struggle to find good things to say about her to my kids-I want them to have a normal grandma that they can love and cherish, but she self-sabotages constantly. I also feel like I am hyper-critical now-that because I am so used to the constant drama, that I don't recognize anything she does as normal now. I hate seeing her phone number pop up on my caller ID. I dread opening emails from her because I know they are only going to either piss me off or make me feel guilty.

I am sorry this is so long. I guess I just needed to put it out there and find someone else who has a shared experience. I want to know if I am being unreasonable or unkind. At this point, I second guess every decision I make about her. I have to walk on eggshells so I don't upset her, but I also have to constantly have my guard up. If I give an inch, she will take a mile and I am not prepared for that. I want to be a good daughter, but I also feel like I can't. I also welcome any feedback that could give me honest insight into how I can manage this better for myself and my family.

[KDRedfox]

Sometimes just talking about it helps.  Have you reached out for help for you? For me therapy helps me put my thoughts in perspective.  It also helps me identify any issues of concern that I need to deal with, that may or may not have been created during my crappy upbringing, that may be affecting my healthier relationships.

I think that before we (in general)choose a course of action we need to learn a little bit more about ourselves and how we can change our outlook and thefefore our response to our mother's unexpected and unwarranted attacks. Especially with this disorder. Our best bet it to change ourselves as most likely they never will.

I hope this helps. I too am fed up, guilt ridden and confused. You are not alone.