The 4th breakup... I miss her so much

[HerLeon]

I am 35 years old. I have been married for 8 years until last December. I have no children.

Three years ago, I met this girl who is 10 years younger than me. At first sight, I knew she was the kind of girl I have been imagining in my head since I first grew pubic hair. About two years ago, she got involved in other person's marriage. It did not end well. I accompanied her on her way to see a therapist. She was immediately hospitalized due to her suicidal thought. Both she and I were scared. Fast forward 5 months, she overdosed Lexapro in my apartment when I was not home. (She lived next door to me back then) When I came back, I called 911. We spent the following week in hospital. I cried several times when she was sleeping. A week later, I decided to end my marriage and be with her. That was a year ago. It turned out that she has BPD.

The past year has not been easy for me, for her, and for us. We are in two different cities two-hour flight away from each other. I was in the third year of my doctoral program (yes I started a bit late). I was going through my divorce. I was trying to overcome my psychological barrier on the 10-year age difference. During the time, I broke up with her three times. I never stopped loving her. For the first two times, she managed getting me back. For the third time, I put effort getting her back. She said I've hurt her so deeply so many times. This was out last try. That was this January.  In April, I was trying to submit my doctoral thesis proposal. Things between us started turning bad. By the way, both of us have our own therapist. Both of us are on antidepressant. I was carrying huge stress and anxiety. So bad that I had alopecia areata. After two weeks of continuing overnight argument, I broke up with her for the FOURTH time. We did not have any contact ever since.

I missed her. I really do. I suspect she is already surrounded by other guys, for legitimate reasons. But I still want her back.

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[HerLeon]

After reading other threads, I got even more scared and sad. Now I think it's very likely that she has already slept with someone else since our breakup. I don't know how to cope this. I'm so worried that she would abuse herself.

[vaztek2003]

Man I feel your pain. My exBPD was also 10 years younger, but at least you managed to better yourself during your relationship. I basically settled and its what causes me trouble, the fact that I lost myself helping her improve in her life while now I sit here alone in the same spot I was 4 years ago when I met her. Mine seems to have moved on as well as I basically got one chance at her and when she discarded me a month  and a half ago she meant it as after I spilled my heart out to her in my final texts she never bothered replying and Ive been NC for a month now. It hurts like hell, but as far as everything Ive read on here, its never likely to end well for us (the nons), though that doesnt make it any easier to accept that its time to say goodbye, as I still have dreams where we end up together on a regular basis and still yearn for her to reach out to me. My exBPD is a gorgeous woman with a flawless body, used to call her my Goddess, so Im sure she will quickly find a man, or woman to move on to quickly. Hang in there, at least yours had a habit of reaching out after a while. You might still have hope if a reconnect is what you want.

[AnuDay]

My BPD girlfriend was 10 years younger and very attractive too.  I was working on my masters degree when she wrecked complete havoc on my life.  Trust me, the blow ups get worse as time progresses.  They ultimately want you to feel how they feel.  And that will not happen until you hit absolute rock bottom.  Then they will run away and laugh.  You must protect yourself, protect your sanity, protect your personal space.  Use this time apart to get back to doing the things that you enjoy doing or you too, like so many of us nons on here will one day wake up and realize that you have deserted all of your friends, all of your hobbies, and all of your interests, and will have truly lost yourself, just like your BPD gf. 

This is a blessing my friend.  This site is a blessing.  Keep reading

[Outoftheshadows]

OP, I am all too familiar with the barbarity and all consuming chaos that permeates these relationships. I lost everything having made the mistake of incessantly ignoring a myriad of red flags. Destitution is now something that I am fervently attempting to reverse. I totally agree with the points outlined in AnuDay's post regarding their callous nature. Yes they will isolate you from friends and family and subsequently divert all of your attention on them. I'm regards to them breaking your will and resolve, they will do so while laughing into the sun set will their new "soulmate". It does get better though OP, I am testament to that. Ten months have passed since the grand finale and I am slowly developing myself. When you shift the focus back onto yourself things most certainly change. I know you don't want to hear this but it is probable that she is sleeping with someone else. Question is, how do you respond? Do you take ownership of your circumstances or let her actions define your existence? Personally, I, over time, chose to practice the former approach. I now have a  teaching job that I love. I also excercise daily, participate in jiu jitsu and I am back playing the guitar. Keep going OP and recognise the nightmare for what it was.