first post, first time

[alsp1215]

I'm a 34 yo mother to 2 wonderful children (1 and 3yo).  My mother is in her 60s, and still has control over my life with emotional blackmail.  A few months ago, a therapist met with us both and suggested my mother suffers from an extreme form of BPD.  I have read "stop walking on eggshells" and am trying to heal, learn, and cope.  It has definitely become more apparent and difficult since I became a mother, as she wants and tries to control my and how I am raising them.  Anything I do different than what she did or would do is considered "wrong." 

I blindly decided it would be a good idea to take a trip to the beach together (bc I always feel like "this time will be different".  In the car on the way home, both girls were asleep.  The 3yo woke up and started crying b/c the baby had "her" blanket.  The crying woke up the 1yo.  So we had a van with 2 crying kids and 2 more hours to go.  I get it.  It's frustrating.  But my mother looked at me and said out loud in front of both girls "I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, THAT KID NEEDS SOMEONE TO LEAVE BRUISES ALL OVER HER" (referring to my 3yo).  I asked her to please not talk like that in front of the kids.  She then said "You have two children and you are only raising one of them." 

This is just one (and the most recent) example of what I've been struggling with since my first daughter was born. 

I feel like my friends think i'm exaggerating when I tell them things that my mother says, b/c they are so outlandish and cruel.  I'm here hoping to find some other daughters of mothers with BPD that are trying to break the pattern and raise their children their own way. 

[ciaocaramia]

Bruises are most definitely abuse! Never feel pressured to shut that down immediately and to protect your children no matter what it takes. The heart can be bruised as well, don't forget to take care of you.

[Fie]

Hello and welcome !  

I am a 38 year old single mum of an 8 year old girl.
Raising my child I am pretty much doing *everything* different than the way I was raised, so I understand what you mean !

In the beginning it was quite hard (being single makes it even harder because I sometimes lack a sounding board). And as you pointed out, people do not always understand, which makes us doubt ourselves even more.  

Now I don't really have contact anymore with my parents, and that certainly helps. But even before that I started to be more comfortable doing things my way after some years. You know, every time I started to doubt I told myself : there's a reason why I have to stick to my way of doing this. I want my child to know that I love her. I want her to feel good about herself, and about life. What my parents think does not matter, actually, the fact that they disagree is a good sign.

Those two thoughts helped for me. And after a while not caring about what they thought just became a habit.

I also noticed that learning about BPD made me recognize unhealthy behavior in people at an early stage. I started to avoid people that I would have attracted before. And I met a few healthy people who have the same set of values as me and who are raising their children the way children should be raised. So when doubts come up, I sometimes talk to one of my friends.

If you have the feeling that your friends do not apply for that, you can use these boards as a sounding board !