I'm so sorry. My dad went through episodes like this, but would threaten murder-suicide to me and mom and then himself. Luckily, I guess, he preferred to grab kitchen knives and never followed through.
It sounds like your H has fixated on you and the marriage as the source of his unhappiness and mania, and is doing whatever he can to destroy it so he can feel better. It's totally not rational. It just is what it is.
Since I am pretty sure others close to you have been aware of what is happening in your lives, can you and your daughter (and anyone else in the home) be prepared to leave at a moment's notice should you need to? I am not saying your H will immediately be violent, but being at home may raise some of his old feelings, and you may need to take a break and leave for a few hours to a few days. Sticking around to "fix" whatever is bothering him or try to talk him down, in his situation, will most likely make things worse? You may need to leave his presence more than once if you can before anything can improve. And it protects you and your D.
So why do I still hate him! I have so much anger. no matter what I tell myself I cant get rid of my need to tell him off for all the stuff he put me thru.
^^You are a human being who has been through a VERY traumatic experience. I think some anger and rage is totally normal. And no, you are not going to be able to express it the way you want. Maybe try posting it all here. That's what I tend to do when upset. It helps to know others have read it, somehow.
I do fear the control manipulation the feeling of giving in just to end the argument.
Don't give in. Just don't participate. This is where you leave. "I don't agree, I will come back when you are calmer." or something. Or just leave. It's not a bargaining chip - it just ends your involvement in the argument. It sucks we have to be the ones remaining in control and making choices to stop the escalation of events, but as the nons we have a higher capability for doing so, and we end up with the responsibility for doing so.
Can you let the local PD know he is coming home, and you'd appreciate some courtesy checks if possible, or for them to be as prepared as they can to respond should they be needed?
Sorry - I saw this kinda of behavior as a teenager from my all-powerful father, so my ideas for coping with it for a spouse prolly not the best. But I hope you are all okay.