not sure what the future holds

[Nika_1]

Hi Im new.
I was raised by a mother with BPD. And now I'm pretty sure I married one  I guess my mothers BPD traits were obvious to me when i first researched but didn't see them in my husband.

MY husband has away been moody. Constantly changing his mind and position on things sometime from hour to hour.  I always felt nervous (maybe anxious is a better word) around him like I until I could sense his mood I didn't know what, my time spent with him would be like that day.  I often call him dr jekel and mr hyde. 

Sometimes he is so wonderful and loving then manipulative, delusional.  Has the most illogical concepts that once i hear him I sort of understand where he's coming from but I still know that its illogical.  He has a way of making me agree with him either by coherension or by threats of what bad thing could or would happen if we dont do things his way.  If I put my foot down and refuse he threats to leave the marriage (we've been married 28 years) he say "how you going to pay for the house then. If i leave"  this throwing the marriage in my face is probably the thing that bothers me most because to me its sacred and important and he just whips it around like its nothing.

Anyway  i'm digressing... .what brought me here.  For the past 8 months or so my husband has been changing his anxiety and OCD medication.  from one thing to another with the help of a Kookie psychiatrist that just gives him what he asks for.  he has gotten moodier and more controlling, doesn't want to go to work.  Paranoid!  people out to get him, people must be following him, Is there a secret folder on his cell phone.  He actually went and got his phone reset because he believed he was being tracked. Then it was me cheating. he was sure of it. (I never even thought of another man) he became very controlling monitoring my time how long it took to go here and there.  I couldnt go food shopping or anywhere he called me 3 times on the way to work showed up at my work unexpectedly.  these things are not his norm. so I called the psychiatrist told him what was happening ang he never called me back.  I called over and over left messages as this behavior progressed.
He finaly called me with my husband there and said there was nothing he could do but increase his medicine because Hubby was not willing to go to treatment. 
the increase of this medicine only made him a monster. He was seeing me doing things he believed was proof I was cheating.  Bruises on my ankles was proof. Hes not technical savy but was trying to search my phone suri gives you options of what sort of things you can ask on an Iphone.  In the scrole thru of the options he saw a name "jones"  He was certain that was my boyfriends name.  First it was brad... then he thought it was Brian.  There was a person he new on social media with that name.  Not one of my friends ... his.  He was certain I was having an afair.  Blew up social media with his new found proof.  Told this poor guy (who for all I know is married and this has affected his relationship too)  My husband unfriended me from social media and told everyone he was separated.
the next day he called all my family and told them he caught me cheating on him and we were getting divorced. he called my cousins too. 
He was happy then crying happy then crying.
I made more calls to the drs... he wasn't sleeping... .he was totally out of touch with reality. The dr told me the only they could admit him is if he hurt me or himself.
I have adult children in the house they knew he was out of control they called the dr too but were told the same

On May 19 he made a decision to get divorced he was calm happy and loveable.  Said we would be nice to each-other and do this the right way.  That night he cried and was howling like a dog.  "how could I do this to him"  it was two in the morning his frantic behavior woke us all.  I followed him downstairs to the basement as saw him put a gun to his head.  My son behind me we jumped him and wrested the gun out of his hands. Daughter boyfriend joined in to restrain him and daughter called police.

Long story short he stayed in the hospital 3 weeks got on new medication. I have temporary restraing order on him that expires in two days. Im told hes calmer and much better and no longer delusional.  I havent talked to him at all.

He has been going to therapy while hes out and doing what hes suppose to.

So why do I still hate him!  I have so much anger.  no matter what I tell myself I cant get rid of my need to tell him off for all the stuff he put me thru.

In this three weeks I realized he is the same ans my mother.  Hes verbally abusive, manipulative, moody, impulsive.  he has been for a very long time.  I love the person I married... did I make that person up? Did I see what I wanted to see?
Im so confused. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Nika_1,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. Wow what a scary situation that you're family went through. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. I'm glad that you decided to join us, you can share what you've been put through with us, it helps to talk to others that share similar experiences as you. You're not alone.

I can relate with you when you miss the person that you first encountered, Dr Jekyl. You didn't make that person up, he mirrored you and idealized you at the beginning, it's an incredible experience. He saw you as all perfect in the beginning and slowly that image starts to change, he starts to see the faults, he's actually both people.

What's your support system like? Are you seeing a T for yourself? How are the kids coping?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting 

[Nika_1]

I have not had a T appointment yet.  its been difficult to find one that has evening appointments. I do have amazing friends who have been there.  To listen to me panic and get angry and then be my normal goofy self.

My husband is coming home today yesterday I panicked. Now I sort of feel well I have to deal with it some time.  The thing is people ask me are you going to stay with him? are you afraid of him?  I have to say I dont know... which "him" I'm getting. He never been physically abusive so I don't fear that.  I do fear the control manipulation the feeling of giving in just to end the argument.

thanks!

[isilme]

I'm so sorry.  My dad went through episodes like this, but would threaten murder-suicide to me and mom and then himself.  Luckily, I guess, he preferred to grab kitchen knives and never followed through. 

It sounds like your H has fixated on you and the marriage as the source of his unhappiness and mania, and is doing whatever he can to destroy it so he can feel better.  It's totally not rational.  It just is what it is. 

Since I am pretty sure others close to you have been aware of what is happening in your lives, can you and your daughter (and anyone else in the home) be prepared to leave at a moment's notice should you need to?  I am not saying your H will immediately be violent, but being at home may raise some of his old feelings, and you may need to take a break and leave for a few hours to a few days.  Sticking around to "fix" whatever is bothering him or try to talk him down, in his situation, will most likely make things worse?  You may need to leave his presence more than once if you can before anything can improve.  And it protects you and your D. 

So why do I still hate him!  I have so much anger.  no matter what I tell myself I cant get rid of my need to tell him off for all the stuff he put me thru.

^^You are a human being who has been through a VERY traumatic experience.  I think some anger and rage is totally normal.  And no, you are not going to be able to express it the way you want.  Maybe try posting it all here.  That's what I tend to do when upset.  It helps to know others have read it, somehow. 

I do fear the control manipulation the feeling of giving in just to end the argument.

Don't give in.  Just don't participate.  This is where you leave.  "I don't agree, I will come back when you are calmer." or something.  Or just leave.  It's not a bargaining chip - it just ends your involvement in the argument.  It sucks we have to be the ones remaining in control and making choices to stop the escalation of events, but as the nons we have a higher capability for doing so, and we end up with the responsibility for doing so.

Can you let the local PD know he is coming home, and you'd appreciate some courtesy checks if possible, or for them to be as prepared as they can to respond should they be needed? 

Sorry - I saw this kinda of behavior as a teenager from my all-powerful father, so my ideas for coping with it for a spouse prolly not the best.  But I hope you are all okay.

[Nika_1]

islime... .My mother is BPD ... .I saw probably lots of the same drama growing up as you did.  What breaks my heart is so are my beautiful kids!
Knowing what I went thru as a child, I believe has kept me in denile of my husbands behavior being BPD.  If he started threatening, escalating his rage, threatening divorce (always in front of the kids ya know)  I would submit... .I just couldn't let me kids see that ... .live that.  today its so freakin obviouse.My husband could be the poster child for BPD... How did I not see it?... .Many times id say to him... somtimes your just like my mother... .Gawd... Ive hid so much... covered, took responsibility for, and rationalized.  Now i feel like fool.

"Just don't participate.  This is where you leave." ... .yeah right LOL  he follows me! ... even in the bathroom, rages at me, Starts on the kids, distroys my stuff, calls my family... .tries to kill himself... .in the end it hurts me and the kids more

his first day home Sucked so bad I dont even think I ever cried this much in my life... .I just couldn't stop.  I now just feel numb... .I feel nothing.  Just going thru the motions.  I have my first therapy appoint to talk about this issue Monday. 

I feel so unequipped to handle this.  I think I was trained , raised to be submissive and meet everyone's needs from my BPD parent

Did I subconsciously get attracted to a BPD Person because that was my Norm?... .I know no boundaries... how to set them.
What is my need?  I have no idea... .I've never even knew I had needs to consider.

Right now I feel driven to learn how to set up boundaries... .can I hide the neon sign over my head that says BPDs welcome? :P

Any advice as to any good information out there to learn setting boundaries with BPD spouse.  And maybe coping with the verbal abuse, the stalking, manipulation,   info sites, books, groups?