My BPD wife and mother-in-law vs me

[lalorcd]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD/Major depression in early 2016. We have a 1 year old daughter and our mother-in-law is here from South Africa helping out. A few weeks ago she started reading the book “stop walking on egg shells” with me and has been a great sounding board. My wife is going through DBT and individual therapy. We are also seeing a couples therapist that is connected with the individual therapy and DBT.

Recently however, I ___ed up. My wife has been gaining a lot of weight after the pregnancy and my mother-in-law has only been making it worse. I adopted a plant-based whole foods diet with her in December and we both lost 20-25lbs each. I’ve had discussions with my mother-in-law about the food, but does not take much responsibility in my wife’s diet. She has since regained all that weight, and then some in a 1.5 month period.

I ___ed up however, because my wife asked me a question: Would you still love me if I kept getting fatter? I replied: Yes I would… but I would find you less attractive. I honestly don’t know where my head was at when I said this. I wanted to speak honestly what was on my mind.

That being said, the next morning, in the car while driving with my mother-in-law, wife, and daughter from an appointment, they both unloaded on me and said the ugliest things to me. They dragged my entire character and the character of my parents through the mud (my wife doesn’t like my parents, yet my parents haven’t done anything directly to her). My mother-in-law called me ‘___ing trash’ said my baby had trash in her blood, referred me to her abusive ex-husband. My mother-in-law told my wife to ‘take the ___ing gloves off.’

I can’t speak with my wife without her saying something nasty about my family or me. I’ve set a boundary after that morning to where I won’t speak with her if she continues to insult me or my family. Last night, she got so upset with me ignoring her she would only say nastier things… and try to take my laptop away or remove my headphones. She took my phone from me and sat in the car for an hour. I waited her out and she eventually came back up. My wife and mother and law have sent a series of text calling me a liar or that I don’t love her, or that my mother has done a number on me.

I am trying to operate within the confines of the parameters set in “stop walking on egg shells,” but I feel horrible. I can’t take back what I said, because it is my truth. However, I completely regret saying it. I feel like nothing I can say at this point will work. I don’t want to reinforce this outburst, but I feel like I deserve it. I need help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

We've all done and said things that we wish that we hadn't. Sadly, none of us can go back in time and change those things. All that we can do is accept that they happened and move forward from there.

Boundaries are important things to have, but they should be handled in a way, as much as possible, that does not trigger the person with BPD. That isn't to say that you tip-toe around when trying to define and maintain your boundaries, but as stated in the lesson about Setting Boundaries, you need to educate and inform the other person about the boundary.

When you enforce your boundary about not engaging with her when she's insulting you and/or your family, how do you communicate that to her?

There is a lot of great information on this site that will help you learn to deal with your situation in a healthier manner. I suggest reading the basic tools in the sidebar to the right. I think that the lesson on Ending Conflict is a good place to start.

Keep us posted about what is going on.

[Lollypop]

Hi there lalorcd

Welcome to the forum. I just popped over from the Parenting Board to say hello. I'm very sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis and also depression following the birth of your daughter. It's great that she's engaging with her therapy and that you're both getting couple therapy.

It sounds very stressful at the moment. We all say things that we regret. Your wife has turned to her mother for support and you're suffering the consequences.

Have you heard of the drama triangle?  Here's a link;

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

From what you've written it sounds to me as if your wife feels she's not being really listened to. You've mentioned the attempted removal of the laptop and headphones. My heart goes out to you because I'd really struggle with my mother in law staying with me long term. There's no real privacy and you're now having to cope with both of them. Perhaps it's time to try and mend some bridges.

Meili's advice is spot on.

How long is the MIL staying with you?

LP