is sharing. It's worth quoting all of the initial post. Click on the quote link to go to the full thread.
This thread is about "
examples". In this thread we will discuss your
value, your
boundaries and how to
defend your boundaries.
For some background information with more depth, there is a great discussion regarding the 3 types of boundaries (mental, emotional, physical) that everyone should read on this thread:
BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence Remember, our values and the boundaries of those values aren't about someone else. They are about how
we choose to live our lives.
I have an eye analogy. Eyelids play an important role in protecting our vision, right? In this case, vision is the value. To have good vision, dirt and dust are seen as harmful to the eye - thus we need a boundary to keep our eyes safe. Eyelids block the dirt and push the dust out - this is our boundary defense in action.
Eyelids don't try to control or punish or change the dirt, they just protect the "vision", consistently, day in, day out - often in subtle ways, sometimes in very visible ways - 400 million times in a lifetime.
Relating our boundary defenses back to the
value is very important. If we don't do this, we run the risk of loosing sight of our objective - and we may make matters worse. To be constructive, we need to have realistic values and we need to understand what
our responsibilities are if we want to truly live them. Talk is cheap.
There are 3 parts, the values we have, the boundaries of those values, and the actions we take when the boundaries are threatened.
Some examples:
| Value: | Important aspect of life that I commit to live fully. |
| Boundary: | Defining what falls outside of my value, what is unacceptable. |
| Action: | One of the options I have when a boundary is threatened. |
| Value: | I treat everybody with respect |
| Boundary: | It is not respectful to dominate or control by screaming |
| Action: | Communicate my values. Lead by example (education - proactive) |
| Value: | I treat everybody with respect |
| Boundary: | It is not respectful to dominate or control by screaming |
| Action: | When a hot topics begin to simmer, I redirect the discussion to a safer topic. (incident avoidance - proactive). |
| Value: | I treat everybody with respect |
| Boundary: | It is not respectful to dominate or control by screaming |
| Action: | I will take a time out or hang up (incident avoidance - reactive). |
| Value: | I treat everybody with respect |
| Boundary: | One cannot be respected in a consistently verbally abusive environment. |
| Action: | I will remove myself permanently from the environment or until there is change (total avoidance). |
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From the example above you can see that a value has many boundaries. There are also many ways to defend your boundary. :)efenses can be as simple as communicating and educating the other person. It can be a comprehensive as leaving a relationship.
In all of these cases I am "not" telling the other person how to behave, what to do or not do or in any way trying to dictate to them how to live their life. I am telling them how "I" behave, how "I" live. I am clearly controlling that which I can -- myself.
Lets look at some boundaries that are being stepped over in your life. Can you break them down in terms of the value, boundary, and defenses?
Some questions:
* What are you doing now (defenses)?
* How is it working?
* Is it possible you sent mixed messages, in actions or words or inconsistency, about your value?
* During a calm moment, have you worked with your partner to try to find a solution together?
* Have you worked to educate your partner?
