Trying to cope co parenting with BPD ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,
I was married for 18 years to someone I believe has BPD. I'm still seeing a counsellor who has extensive prior experience in mental health nursing before studying counselling - she says that if my stories are accurate then he likely also has bipolar type 2, narcissistic personality disorder and may be a psychopath. She says I have PTSD.  We split a year and a half ago. Co parenting with him is extremely stressful - I think calling it coparenting isn't realistic. He does whatever he wants even when it's detrimental to the kids and if I let him know it's detrimental he does it again. He is exceptionally good at lying, painting himself as a victim and coming across as a caring invested father. He's very successful professionally. I've read a lot including the Splitting book about separating from someone like this - I'm frustrated because I'd like to take this to court but I know he'll come across amazingly well. I've been journaling for 18 months so I at least have evidence of patterns of behaviour but I still don't know if I'd win and the risk of my kids ending up spending more time with him is terrifying (he currently has 5 out if 14). My beautiful 14 year old son has now started frequently lying - and my daughter (who is diagnosed ADHD and Anxiety and is being assessed for ASD) who is usually the sweetest kindest person you can imagine is becoming emotionally volatile and angry. While he was impressing his new girlfriend he was acting like super dad, planning things to do with them every time they were with him - now that he's secured her (with plenty of charm, a car and a mouthful of braces) he's completely neglecting them. Kids get that, but if he spent a couple weekends charming them they would go back to thinking he's amazing. So if we went to court that's what he'd do. His new girlfriend has obviously bought his stories and now she's joined his campaign - they are both constantly trying to force interactions with me. I've made it clear that I don't want anything to do with her and only want minimal parenting related interaction with him. I don't know why they are forcing this but it's stressful. I'm worried about my kids' safety (he leaves my extremely immature 11 year old home in charge of two other young kids - one is extremely volatile and throws massive tantrums - his girlfriend's son). He recently told my son he resented not doing what he wanted at that age so he's going to let him do all the things he wanted to do. He regularly doesn't return things kids need for school (reading glasses, library books etc) and then I have to chase them. I think this is what he wants but with my daughter's ADHD she isn't organised enough for me to push this responsibility back on her. I try not to focus on negatives but I do sometimes get really down because I feel like I'm looking at a tunnel that doesn't end for 7 years when my daughter is an adult. I think I just need to hear about people going through similar stuff and coping. Thanks

[DarcyNeverGiveUp]

Hi,
I was married for 18 years to someone I believe has BPD. I'm still seeing a counsellor who has extensive prior experience in mental health nursing before studying counselling - she says that if my stories are accurate then he likely also has bipolar type 2, narcissistic personality disorder and may be a psychopath. She says I have PTSD.  We split a year and a half ago. Co parenting with him is extremely stressful - I think calling it coparenting isn't realistic. He does whatever he wants even when it's detrimental to the kids and if I let him know it's detrimental he does it again. He is exceptionally good at lying, painting himself as a victim and coming across as a caring invested father. He's very successful professionally. I've read a lot including the Splitting book about separating from someone like this - I'm frustrated because I'd like to take this to court but I know he'll come across amazingly well. I've been journaling for 18 months so I at least have evidence of patterns of behaviour but I still don't know if I'd win and the risk of my kids ending up spending more time with him is terrifying (he currently has 5 out if 14). My beautiful 14 year old son has now started frequently lying - and my daughter (who is diagnosed ADHD and Anxiety and is being assessed for ASD) who is usually the sweetest kindest person you can imagine is becoming emotionally volatile and angry. While he was impressing his new girlfriend he was acting like super dad, planning things to do with them every time they were with him - now that he's secured her (with plenty of charm, a car and a mouthful of braces) he's completely neglecting them. Kids get that, but if he spent a couple weekends charming them they would go back to thinking he's amazing. So if we went to court that's what he'd do. His new girlfriend has obviously bought his stories and now she's joined his campaign - they are both constantly trying to force interactions with me. I've made it clear that I don't want anything to do with her and only want minimal parenting related interaction with him. I don't know why they are forcing this but it's stressful. I'm worried about my kids' safety (he leaves my extremely immature 11 year old home in charge of two other young kids - one is extremely volatile and throws massive tantrums - his girlfriend's son). He recently told my son he resented not doing what he wanted at that age so he's going to let him do all the things he wanted to do. He regularly doesn't return things kids need for school (reading glasses, library books etc) and then I have to chase them. I think this is what he wants but with my daughter's ADHD she isn't organised enough for me to push this responsibility back on her. I try not to focus on negatives but I do sometimes get really down because I feel like I'm looking at a tunnel that doesn't end for 7 years when my daughter is an adult. I think I just need to hear about people going through similar stuff and coping. Thanks

[flourdust]

Hi, DarcyNGU, and welcome! I'm also dealing with coparenting with an ex with BPD.

As you know, it's beyond challenging -- all of the conflict that used to define your marriage is condensed and focused through the only venue left to him -- coparenting.

What things have you tried to minimize the conflict? Some general suggestions... .

• limit the amount or type of communication -- for example, restricting interaction to daily (or less frequent) emails, not taking phone calls, texts, etc.
• don't try to manage his parenting -- let him screw up, do whatever he wants in his home, while you do what you want in yours
• document every problem for possible changes in the parenting plan -- and look into what venues are available to manage the parenting plan or enforce it -- whether it's court or a parenting coordinator or mediator

[Ulysses]

Hi DarcyNeverGiveUp      

I am dealing with an exH that sounds similar to yours.

I agree with flourdust and might add:

*Can you take your kids to a counselor?  An objective third party is sometimes helpful.
*You might have a long road ahead of you with lots of painful feelings.  I did/do.  It helps me when I practice self-care and acknowledge to myself, "this is really hard right now."  Just saying those words to myself helps me relax and cut myself some slack.
*Set your boundaries regarding communication with the new wife.  My exH and his wife don't respect my boundaries, and I continue to receive emails from her.  I answer only if necessary, and then I address the email to exH (they share an account).
*Videotape (if legal in your state) any interactions you have with them - e.g. at exchanges.  I didn't and wished I had done.

It helped me to read about validating my children's feelings.  

What about support from their teachers?  Can you talk to the school?  Sometimes they have "friendship" groups or support groups for kids whose parents are divorcing, or they have a counselor who can meet with the child once or twice.  

I also deal with things not getting returned.  I finally stopped sending anything I didn't want to lose.  I know you can't do that exactly with the glasses, but can you get a second pair?  I'm sorry for your situation.  It sounds very frustrating and painful. 

[DarcyNeverGiveUp]

Thanks flour dust and Ulysses.
Ulysses, Comms currently restricted to email and text - will try to cut text too. I do document everything but am guilty of trying to manage his parenting - very difficult not to when my 11 year old (diagnosed anxiety) is being encouraged to watch scary m rated movies and comes home neurotic and can't sleep in her own bed for a week - but I will work harder at it. My daughter does see a psychologist fortnightly and I do raise stuff there so someone other than me is also documenting it.
Ulysses, my son has also just started seeing someone so I'm hoping it will help. He's very smart and socially adept so I know he's able to hide behind that but tears are never too far under surface... Thanks for tip on videotaping - I will check legalities... Have been taking my friends hubby in car with me for pickups since things escalated with his girlfriend. She's also tried emailing me - aside from first one where she politely suggested we meet for coffee and get friendly and I politely declined I haven't acknowledged her emails.
You both sound like you're managing this well - when you do the conflict minimising stuff do they eventually find someone else to bother? Or is it still too early to tell?

[flourdust]

Still early days here. We've been separated for 18 months, in the divorce process for 12, and still negotiating a final parenting plan.

My most effective technique has been to limit my responses to BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm). She puts out bait with long, accusatory emails or texts. I scan them for anything I feel I need to answer, and provide those answers as briefly and neutrally as possible. She gets upset and doubles down because she wants responses to the rest of her bait, but if I ignore those, I don't give her anything to latch on to.

[Ulysses]

You both sound like you're managing this well - when you do the conflict minimising stuff do they eventually find someone else to bother? Or is it still too early to tell?

I don't know if I'm managing things well.  I'm trying, and there are still things that cause me pain.  If they've found anyone else to bother, they're still going at it with me.  It seems like most often it has to do with me sticking to the parenting plan when they don't want me to, or not agreeing with them on a parenting issue. 

Before I respond to exH, I try to take time to reflect on my priorities, my values, and my boundaries.  This usually helps me stay the course in a manner that I'm comfortable with.  Every written correspondence I send, I make sure I would be comfortable if he shared it with someone else (e.g. judge, other adults who may or may not know me, etc.).  My T has helped me reconsider things from a different light. 

Following BIFF and other communication strategies has helped me clarify my priorities and act in a way I feel good about.

I used to think that my responses could lessen conflict from their end.  E.g. - If I can only figure out how to email, speak, etc., then there won't be attacks, crazy, etc.  It didn't appear to help.  Sometimes I froze and didn't act.  It could be that it works with some people, but I've found that in general, exH is driven by his needs.  It seems to me that perhaps trying to manage his reactions by how I communicate/act was just a continuation of how it was when we were married. 

What I try to keep in mind is that I can decide what I can change, what is non-negotiable for me, and how/if I want to respond.  I too was so frustrated by his inept and sometimes dangerous parenting in the beginning, and so angry.  It just continues and I can't do anything about it, so I have to change on my end.  It's difficult. 

I'm sorry to hear what your kids are going through.  You and they are in an adjustment period right now.  Does your daughter talk to you about her feelings?  Can you let her teachers know that your family is going through this transition?  The teachers might want to know if the glasses or other things get left at her dad's so they can contact him, rather than you.  Also so they can work with your daughter on this.