Xw is getting worse

[bus boy]

for a month I've been trying to make a change for this weekend access coming up and I still have no word from Xw or my lawyer. I made a very reasonable request through my L to Xw L for this change. All I got was a reply from Xw L full of going around in circle nonsense and lies, actually her lies are really going over the top she is a decrepit person to deal with, her actions are very uncalled for. All I got from Xw was " I'll see if I can fit it in" what ever that means. I found out yesterday that Xw BF was cheating on his first wife and was told it was my Xw he was cheating with, I don't know if Xw is "the other woman" but all the time lines add up. Everything is a lie in her life and I see the cracks showing more, her lies are getting worse. Yesterday I took s10 for an ice cream after soccer, he was hot, played hard and he was excited for an ice cream, normal to me, normal to you but not normal to Xw, s10 would of been home a few minuets late, yesterday was my access evening, there was also road construction, we would of been late anyway, out of courtesy I text Xw to tell her I will be late bc of construction, I was 20 min late picking s10 up bc of the construction, and she sent back an ignorant reply about stopping for ice cream. I didn't respond, I'm a father taking his son for an ice cream on a hot evening after soccer that's a normal for a parent and child as it gets. If I didn't get heald up at construction I would of been 2 min tops getting s10 home. Xw has no flexibility at all. It's always a loose loose with her. Another time I was early, I left work earlier than normal to get ahead of the construction and the traffic started moving soon as I got there, I got to s10's 10 min early for my access pick up and Xw came unhinged at me. That is one of the ways Xw bases her lies in court or to her L, I've been late a few times due to situations out of my control, road block, accident or construction, something totally out of my control and no amount of reasoning ever works, that's it you are late or early, I would say I was heald up on the road " you are late", I was heald up, she would say what time is it, I would answer than she would say what time were you suppose to be back? I would answer and Xw would say " you are late" Xw would go at that all day, not budge or see any reasoning, only " you are late" and that would go in every area of dealing with anything in our r/s. I have learned not to respond. But as the time goes on, 2 years she's been totally out of my life she is getting more venomous. I didn't expect her to get better but I didn't expect her to get worse, the more I emotionall detach the worse she is to coparent with.

[Panda39]

I want to make a suggestion here, I've noticed that you focus a lot on your ex in this and your other posts, what she's doing, how she reacts or doesn't react to things you do, what's going on with her and her boyfriend etc. You continue to engage with her... .she pushes your buttons, then you push her's and both of you use your visitation with your son to do this.

Stop focusing so much on your ex and just focus on your son, stick with your court ordered schedule, don't switch days and don't ask to switch days.  Follow the schedule so you don't have to interact with your ex and just enjoy your time with your son.

I challenge you to stop engaging with your ex, I challenge you to go low contact with her, and I challenge you to be in the moment when you are with your son and enjoy the time you are together without thinking about his mother and how what you do together will affect her.  Your time with your son should be about him not how your interaction will get even with her, upset her, trigger her etc.

It takes two to tango in the dysfunction, stop being her dance partner.

Panda39

[bus boy]

Wow, I accept your challenge, in fact, yesterday I focused all of my visit on positive energy, we had a great visit. I was being courteous texting Xw I would be late but like I say it's a loose loose. I have to go out of town this weekend and want to switch my split weekend access 24hr, from 6pm sat- 6pm Sunday to 9am Sunday- drop s10 off at school on Monday, very simple request. My trip is unavoidable. Xw text me today asking what I have lined up for the summer for s10, she tells me nothing, I don't tit for tat but should I respond?

[david]

Panda makes a good point. I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month from ex. That was our only form of communication. I replied to most of them by trying to explain/justify/reason/whatever. It continued like this until I decided to reply to emails that I needed to reply to. My replies went from 30 to 40 a month down to 5 to 10 a month. Eventually I got my replies down to approximately less than 5 a month. My ex now sends around 10 emails a month. It took about three years for things to settle to this point.
One thing I used to do is email a reply, for documentation, to myself. In your example I would email what happened and why you were late. I sent that to myself so if I got dragged into court and ex complained about a particular thing I had what happened so I remembered. Eventually , as things settled, I stopped doing that.

[david]

One particular situation I had. I received a call from our oldest sons school. The nurse called to say he vomited in school. She called ex, since it was her custodial time, several times and left messages. She then called me. I told her I would come and pick him up. I drove him back to my place. He immediately went to bed. He had a virus of some sort based on the symptoms. I emailed ex to let her know. Ex is a nurse so I gave her all the symptoms and told her I would call the doc the next day to make an appointment if he didn't show signs of getting better. Ex replied demanding I return our son to her since it was her custodial time and that I was in violation of the court order. I responded with the exact same message as before.
A few hours later I received a call from the police wanting to know what was going on. I explained everything as I did above. The officer said I sounded reasonable and asked me to reach out to ex. I sent her another email stating that officer so and so called and repeated what I said before.

Weeks later I went to pick up our youngest art her place. Our order states that upon arrival I am to call her cell and hang up when the voicemail kicks on. She has 5 minutes to send the boys out. I waited about 15 minutes and nothing. I repeated the same thing again and still nothing. I then called the police. I explained my situation and the officer said that I needed to call my attorney as this was a civil matter and there was nothing he could do. It was then I expressed my concern for ex's and our sons well being. That forced the officer to do a wellness check. That is the law. As he walked to her place the door magically opened and our 10 year old came running out. After he got in the car he asked why the police were there. I told him that he didn't come out when I arrived and that I became concerned for him and mom. That made sense to him. He then said mom was acting funny because she kept looking out the window.
Later that day I checked my email and ex sent an email saying our youngest was ill and not to pick him up. She sent it shortly before I arrived at her place so I had no idea. You can fill in the pieces. I am so used to this kind of stuff it didn't faze me at all.

[Panda39]

Great! glad you're up to the challenge 

So here's my suggestion for this weekend.  Keep the request for the switch out there (keep your expectations low her past behavior is probably a good indication that she will not make the trade - I know it's a bummer but let it go.)

Email your son (and we know the ex will be reading along) that it looks like you are going to have to miss your time together on (day) due to a business trip. Tell him you're disappointed and that you're going to miss him. (If it were me without telling him I might pick him up something fun while I was gone... .so he knew I was thinking about him)

Do not tell him you tried to make a trade or that it's his mothers fault... .he doesn't need to know any of that... .it's between you and your ex and frankly you don't need to talk about it to her either. 

By not mentioning the conflict over a trade to him (or to her for that matter) you have just taken yourself off the Drama Triangle.  You don't make yourself out to be the victim, you aren't the persecutor (you aren't blaming the wife), and no one needs to be rescued (your son can spend a little extra time with his mom). 

You have just cut your ex off from what she wants... .drama with you and you have made a healthier choice for yourself by not engaging and your son doesn't need to see any conflict.

How does that sound?

You now have your reasonable request that (I suspect will be turned down) and you have your email to your son showing a rational response and you shine a light on who is uncooperative. Do that enough times and you can show a pattern of behavior that you can use in court if need be.

Panda39