In limbo

[Powers76]

Here's the gist. My BPD ex boyfriend whom broke up with me in April after two good months of stability dropped me again. Third time in 10 months. Unlike the other times I learned how to disengage deescalate so we actually didn't fight. No unkind words. The last go around he made huge strides in trusting me, example he has his own business and put my name on his checking account so I could help him manage office stuff etc... .So we made strides in commitment and intimacy. I could see a trigger coming (work related) but was blind to our demise again. Duh. He basically dropped off the face of the earth. Burned bridges with his dad. Sold his truck. Was out of control. He just went silent on me. When I did hear from him he took responsibility for going off the deep end but needed everyone to "leave me alone" "I'm going invisible"... .so that's what I've done. Left him alone. We are broken up his choice. It's been 2 months since he broke up with me. I have a dog crate and some stuff at his house. He owes me 150 bucks. We have made 3 plans for me to pick it up, he lives an hour away. Each time he cancels. "Not a good time too busy" is his excuse. I'm guessing he can't face the finality. So I'm going on with life I know eventually he will reach out. This time I wasn't painted black in the traditional sense like before, I think he can't face me... .my guess is he cheated. Any insights as to why he can't let go since he is the one who initiated the break up? It is not about the money or keeping my stuff out of spite. I was very proud of myself this time, no fighting or negative words. He's 35 and I'm 46, his mom told me I'm the nicest girl he has ever dated. All his relationships short lived disasters. Thanks for your help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

Any insights as to why he can't let go since he is the one who initiated the break up?

\

Have you heard the term - "I hate you - don't leave me"? It is actually a book and is available for free online in pdf I think (google it). It has the insight you are looking for... .

I would definitely "leave the sleeping dog lie" so to say... .otherwise you will find yourself (in the same place i found my self) trying to save him from himself - and impossible task... .

[Mutt]

Hi Powers76,

We have made 3 plans for me to pick it up, he lives an hour away. Each time he cancels. "Not a good time too busy" is his excuse. I'm guessing he can't face the finality.

It's speculating though, he could be feeling shame about having a meltdown. To answer your question about not letting go, he could be testing boundaries, at the center of the disorder is abandonment fears, the core wound of abandonment. A pwBPD expect that everyone in their lives will abandon them, they may try to test us to see if we're really going to abandon them or reject us before we reject them, it's a maladaptive coping mechanism that's self destructive behavior. I think that going on with life for now is a good choice.