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Author Topic: Do I have to wish her a happy birthday?  (Read 435 times)
OddOneOut

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« on: June 08, 2017, 08:57:01 PM »

BPD mom has frozen me out after I told her how I felt about something nasty she did. It's been so great having a break from her and since she's the one not calling me, I don't feel the usual guilt, and I don't have to deal with her harassing me or other people. This time has been a gift.

She didn't say anything about her wishes - she's just not initiating any contact. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not technically not talking to her... .but I don't want this nice break to end. Times are already very stressful in our lives right now!

I'll be the jerk if I don't, and we're afraid of being judged by others we care about, but this break has been precious to my family and we're scared of ruining a good thing. My brother's bday is on the same day ugh!

Anyone feeling me on this one? I guess what I'm looking for is some moral support, or reasons not to feel bad about not calling  

I'd also love to hear from other people who have had a similar experience.
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Charlie3236
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« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2017, 12:14:10 AM »

If this break is good for you then enjoy the peace and know that you don't OWE her anything. If you want to resume contact again, let it be on your terms when YOU are ready. Good luck & blessings! Keep us posted!
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Fie
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« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2017, 03:44:53 PM »

Hello OddOneOut  

I would say, enjoy the peace and quiet.
There is no reason why NC would have to be forever. Maybe one day you will feel strong enough to resume contact, or to answer a call from her. Or maybe not.

I am more or less in the same situation. I used to feel guilty and now I just feel at peace. It has been over a year now. I used to feel sad and stressed upon noticing my BPDmum didn't want contact anymore. Now I feel relieved. I realize I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not anymore and it is great.

I noticed a similar topic here :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309425.0
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OddOneOut

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« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2017, 09:40:14 AM »

Thank you for your support Charlie and Fie!

Fie, your comment about waiting for the other shoe to drop is spot on. That's exactly how I feel - it nags at me and prevents me from fully enjoying this break. I've still been benefiting from the chance to think more objectively. I've made many revelations and it's allowed me to make some progress through my grief around my son not having any family other than us. The link you sent is super helpful too. Thanks 

Any tips for how to forget about that pesky other shoe?
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Fie
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« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2017, 02:05:27 PM »

For me what helped was NC. Maybe other members have other ideas because I know that NC is not for everyone.
Now, in both our cases it seems that (at least for now) we do not have a choice since it is not us who initiated it.

However, I have come to enjoy the silence so much that I now prefer NC myself.  I have learned that the feeling of 'the other shoe will drop' is not a reflection of normal reality. Normal life has ups and downs of course, but not to the same extend. The shoe feeling is related to having interactions with BPD   :-P
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Peacefromwithin
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« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2017, 04:59:15 PM »

BPD mom has frozen me out after I told her how I felt about something nasty she did. It's been so great having a break from her and since she's the one not calling me, I don't feel the usual guilt, and I don't have to deal with her harassing me or other people. This time has been a gift.

I'm happy to hear that you are finding some peace in the break from your BPd mother. You don't deserve to put any guilt on yourself. pwBPD do this to themselves.

Excerpt
She didn't say anything about her wishes - she's just not initiating any contact. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not technically not talking to her... .but I don't want this nice break to end. Times are already very stressful in our lives right now!

There's no hard rules. No one says you have to wish her a happy birthday. It's completely up to you. Do what you feel in your gut. If it was my mother, I'd be damned if I do and damned if I don't so just be prepared for a reaction either way. But don't let her reaction affect you. Let it role right off. You don't have to participate in her games.

Excerpt
I'll be the jerk if I don't, and we're afraid of being judged by others we care about, but this break has been precious to my family and we're scared of ruining a good thing. My brother's bday is on the same day ugh!

You wouldn't be a jerk. We children of BPD/NPD parents have to let go of what others think of us when we go against societal norms regarding our parents. If someone else attacks you verbally for not wishing your mother a happy birthday or something like that, you can calmly just state, "the relationship between my mother and me is complicated" and then ask them a question about themselves.

Excerpt
Anyone feeling me on this one? I guess what I'm looking for is some moral support, or reasons not to feel bad about not calling  

You have nothing to feel badly about, if that is what you decide to do.

May I suggest if you DO decide to call, however, keep it very very short. Have an "out" planned.
Excerpt

I'd also love to hear from other people who have had a similar experience.
[/quote]

I don't know your back story, so I'm not sure if it's similar. But my story is that I went VLC with my uBPD/NPD parents. However, I decided to call on birthdays and anniversaries out of guilt. In hindsight, I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do or not. Sometimes I wonder if my life would've been easier had I just gone for a complete NC break, but I couldn't do it.

My experience has been that with some of the phone calls, I am okay with not letting their crap get to me. Other times, though, I stay on the phone too long and am emotionally drained afterward. So the key in calling is to keep all calls brief, change the subject at any signs of their sickness, and have a set thing to say to get out of the call. Be pleasant and calm and don't allow them to push your buttons. Don't put too much energy into the call, either, because nothing you say or do will change what they say or how they act. Keep boundaries. Don't tell them personal info if you don't want to.

Good luck.
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Lilacs

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« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2017, 12:05:23 AM »

NC can really be a relief.
My BPDsis just ___ me out again and it's actually a relief. I don't have to worry that I'm going to offend her or hurt her. We don't have the relationship I wanted to have and after this we never will and it's a relief.

Take the break. Can you send a card instead or will that be taken offensively to not call.  That way you acknowledge but don't have to call.
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