How to cope with false rumors in the family

[wanderhorse189]

I just found out that my sister is a BPD. One of the things that our family has been struggling to cope with is the false rumors (things blown out of proportion, taken out of context, or things that are outright untrue) that she circulates in the family about one family member or another, even including our parents. I usually react to such rumors by being defensive about the truth, but now that I have found out that my sister is actually ill, I have learnt to detach myself from these rumors and just be at peace with the truth within myself. The problem is now my family is denial, and I know they are all too human, no matter how hard they try to be objective. Problems arise when some family members are swayed to believe in a false rumor and are led to all swoop in on the family member who is wrongly accused/misunderstood without further confirmation. Sometimes drama happens when the family member who is wrongly accused/misunderstood reacts with anger and indignation. How do I cope with this situation?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey wanderhorse189:   
Welcome to the community!

The problem is now my family is denial, and I know they are all too human, no matter how hard they try to be objective. Problems arise when some family members are swayed to believe in a false rumor and are led to all swoop in on the family member who is wrongly accused/misunderstood without further confirmation. Sometimes drama happens when the family member who is wrongly accused/misunderstood reacts with anger and indignation. How do I cope with this situation?

I'm so sorry about what you are going through with your sister. In what manner does she circulate the information?  Facebook or some other social media?  Are any family members finally catching on, that your sister's perception of things can be false? 

Are you able to share a recent situation?

Best to stay out of drama triangles and do your best to stay in healthy triangles only.  The links below could help explain.

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
RELATIONSHIP TRIANGLE

You might find this article informative:
Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

[wanderhorse189]

Hey wanderhorse189:   
Welcome to the community!

I'm so sorry about what you are going through with your sister. In what manner does she circulate the information?  Facebook or some other social media?  Are any family members finally catching on, that your sister's perception of things can be false? 

Are you able to share a recent situation?

Best to stay out of drama triangles and do your best to stay in healthy triangles only.  The links below could help explain.

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
RELATIONSHIP TRIANGLE

You might find this article informative:
Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

Thank you for your reply and suggestions, Naughty Nibbler. My sister usually shares the information via a phone chat app or in person. Family members live quite far away from each other, different parts of the city, different cities, and even different countries. Family members in the same city or in the same country sometimes meet up in person when they visit. Yes, many family members have been aware for a long time that my sister's perception of things can be false. The complete amnesia over things she has done, and the reality twists that she introduces, made us all very confused, sometimes very hurt and wronged (e.g., my parents were accused to have abused her emotionally, subjected her to a career path which she did not like, made her do part-time jobs to earn her keep, and raised other children with favoritism, giving them everything and *never* giving her anything), sometimes angry and defensive (e.g., the following recent examples).

My sister wanted to buy a joint gift for our mother. She asked my eldest to ask me and my youngest sister to wire money into an account to form a pool. I was not aware of the conversation between my youngest sister and my eldest. All this went on in the chat app. The only thing I knew at that point was that I agreed with the arrangement. Sometime later, in the group chat, my youngest sister started to post something which revealed that she had also agreed, but she preferred to *also* buy something on her own for our mother. The post showed that she felt wronged on why she was labeled "calculative" even though she had agreed to share. It turned out (after I queried our mother) that my sister had sent a message to our mother that my youngest sister *did not want to share in* the joint gift because of her being "calculative" (she explicitly put in this adjective in the message). When my mother confronted my youngest sister with this message, my youngest sister got angry and defensive.

The incident before this was that my sister asked my youngest sister to help her carry something because she wanted to move her office somewhere and she could not carry it herself due to a health condition. They live in the same city, but quite far away from each other, about a 30-40 minute drive. I was very confused what happened in the intervening time, just knowing that somehow in the end, everyone (my parents and eldest sister) seemed to think that my youngest sister had refused to help, and they had all felt very disappointed with my youngest sister for her selfishness. They all started to give her a lecture on not being selfish to family members and asked her to apologize to my sister. After a private conversation on chat however, I asked my youngest sister why she had refused to help with the carrying. She revealed to me that she actually agreed to help, but she could not do it on the date my sister requested her to. She offered to go on a day when she would be available, but if my sister needed it fast, she could use a mover. My youngest sister told me she felt very wronged, felt that she did not have to apologize because she actually did nothing wrong... . 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey again wanderhorse189:

Thanks for sharing your examples. Sounds like your sister has a sense of entitlement and some jealousy issues. Prompting a young adult to get a part-time job, is a common situation (not abuse).  In addition to the monetary benefit, it prepares someone for the real world.

I'm thinking your sister could make her own decision on a career.  Understandably, some parents won't help pay for college, if a child chooses a major that won't be lucrative.  Sadly, lots of college students get degrees in majors that don't lead to well paid jobs (or any job associated with the major). They can end up with huge tuition loans to repay. Your sister can choose to change her career, if that is what she desires.

I think many of us here can relate to similar situations, when the BPD person in our life lies, embellishes or distorts facts.  Their reality can be distorted.  When they don't get their way, a distortion campaign can ensue and they love to blame others for everything.

Unfortunately, we can't fix them.  Hopefully, over time, more of your relatives will learn to NOT react to her distortions and quit getting in the middle of drama triangles.  I wish I had a better answer, but sounds like you are doing the best you can by setting the record straight when someone gets alarmed and inquires.  

Although you can't change her, you can learn communication skills and techniques that can make thing easier for you.  You might want to check out the "Lessons" thread, at the top of the threads lineup.  If you go to the large green band, at the top of the page, you will find a "Tools Menu". The lessons on boundaries and validation/don't invalidate are good lessons to start with.  

Let us know how things go.  Perhaps you can set some boundaries in regard to inquiring relatives that tend to want to get in the middle of things.

[wanderhorse189]

Hey again wanderhorse189:

Thanks for sharing your examples. Sounds like your sister has a sense of entitlement and some jealousy issues. Prompting a young adult to get a part-time job, is a common situation (not abuse).  In addition to the monetary benefit, it prepares someone for the real world.

I'm thinking your sister could make her own decision on a career.  Understandably, some parents won't help pay for college, if a child chooses a major that won't be lucrative.  Sadly, lots of college students get degrees in majors that don't lead to well paid jobs (or any job associated with the major). They can end up with huge tuition loans to repay. Your sister can choose to change her career, if that is what she desires.

I think many of us here can relate to similar situations, when the BPD person in our life lies, embellishes or distorts facts.  Their reality can be distorted.  When they don't get their way, a distortion campaign can ensue and they love to blame others for everything.

Unfortunately, we can't fix them.  Hopefully, over time, more of your relatives will learn to NOT react to her distortions and quit getting in the middle of drama triangles.  I wish I had a better answer, but sounds like you are doing the best you can by setting the record straight when someone gets alarmed and inquires.  

Although you can't change her, you can learn communication skills and techniques that can make thing easier for you.  You might want to check out the "Lessons" thread, at the top of the threads lineup.  If you go to the large green band, at the top of the page, you will find a "Tools Menu". The lessons on boundaries and validation/don't invalidate are good lessons to start with.  

Let us know how things go.  Perhaps you can set some boundaries in regard to inquiring relatives that tend to want to get in the middle of things.

Thanks so much again, Naughty Nibbler, for your thoughts and suggestions.

Thank you for understanding that actually almost all those actions of my parents my sister cited do not, under normal circumstances, have the negative connotation that my sister attached to them. In reality, my parents supported my sister's tuition and in fact, hers is the most expensive one that my parents ever had to bear, even at a time when the family's financial situation was not strong. As regards the part-time jobs to serve as a buffer for daily expenses, my sister had likened it basically to my father making her "work out there like a whore", when my father had actually intended, as what you mentioned, for it to serve as training "for the real world", also taking into account that the family's finances were tight at the time. My sister's words hurt my parents so much, as it is so far from their real intentions, but nobody could understand why my sister took it so far along the negative direction. If I put it into the context of illness now, it makes it easier for me to understand why she had stripped off everything positive from other ppl's actions, and conjured up something so negative in its place.

I am going through the "Validation" material on the "Tools Menu" here, and realize I have done many things wrong in the family dynamics, especially when interacting with my sister, e.g., jumping into arguments, trying to "fix" things, not knowing at that time that it would actually go nowhere in the end. Hopefully, things have the possibility of improvement now that I am learning how to better respond (or not to respond) in such chaotic situations, and most of all learning how to take care of myself... .perhaps taking preventive measures by informing all family members adequately whenever I myself plan on anything that requires family members to be aware... .and minimizing any private dealings with my sister... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey wanderhorse189:

I am going through the "Validation" material on the "Tools Menu" here, and realize I have done many things wrong in the family dynamics, especially when interacting with my sister, e.g., jumping into arguments, trying to "fix" things, not knowing at that time that it would actually go nowhere in the end. Hopefully, things have the possibility of improvement now that I am learning how to better respond (or not to respond) in such chaotic situations, and most of all learning how to take care of myself... .perhaps taking preventive measures by informing all family members adequately whenever I myself plan on anything that requires family members to be aware... .and minimizing any private dealings with my sister... .

I'm glad you are gaining some benefit from the "Validation" material.   The more family members you get on board with using strategic skills ("don't Invalidate feelings, Don't JADE and use "I" Statement), the better it will be for all of you.  It might not work every time, but if you can eliminate some of the drama entirely, and other times minimize it, you will have made a great accomplishment toward giving your family some relief.

Sounds like you have realized that it's best not to argue.  The below info. on avoiding circular arguments should reinforce that logic:
DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and avoid circular arguments


Below are some additional links to info. on validation/don't invalidate, that can offer additional skills on the subject:  

MORE ON VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATION

Validation can take some practice, and sometimes it might not work for the most skilled person.  So, it's okay to just NOT invalidate.

Another strategy that can help is to not use "you" statements.  Use "I" Statements or "We" Statements, instead of "You" Statements.

The video at the link below on how to use "I" statements, and the quote below, should be helpful:
"I" STATEMENTS

How To Use I-Statements:

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:

I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened

Take care and let us know how it goes, as you start using some of the communication strategy/skills.

[wanderhorse189]

Hey wanderhorse189:

I'm glad you are gaining some benefit from the "Validation" material.   The more family members you get on board with using strategic skills ("don't Invalidate feelings, Don't JADE and use "I" Statement), the better it will be for all of you.  It might not work every time, but if you can eliminate some of the drama entirely, and other times minimize it, you will have made a great accomplishment toward giving your family some relief.

Sounds like you have realized that it's best not to argue.  The below info. on avoiding circular arguments should reinforce that logic:
DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and avoid circular arguments


Below are some additional links to info. on validation/don't invalidate, that can offer additional skills on the subject:  

MORE ON VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATION

Validation can take some practice, and sometimes it might not work for the most skilled person.  So, it's okay to just NOT invalidate.

Another strategy that can help is to not use "you" statements.  Use "I" Statements or "We" Statements, instead of "You" Statements.

The video at the link below on how to use "I" statements, and the quote below, should be helpful:
"I" STATEMENTS

Take care and let us know how it goes, as you start using some of the communication strategy/skills.

Thank you again, Naughty Nibbler, for all the material! I am going through the articles now and trying to internalize the contents so that I would be able to handle things better from now on. However, I am actually the only person in the family who is aware that my sister's behavior can be understood in the context of borderline personality disorder. I do feel very much alone in this. I told my mother recently about my findings, but she has asked me to keep quiet, and she refuses to discuss in the context of a mental illness the emotional and relationship troubles my sister has brought to our family all this while. In fact, she is in denial and told me that my sister has "improved" in just a few days, in that my sister has tried to suppress those fits of rage and crying episodes "last week". I think perhaps the mention of mental illness is taboo in our culture. Such talk brings shame to my parents. How do I share the educational material with my family such that they too could benefit from it in making things easier for all of us over the long haul?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey again Wanderhorse189:

I told my mother recently about my findings, but she has asked me to keep quiet, and she refuses to discuss in the context of a mental illness the emotional and relationship troubles my sister has brought to our family all this while. In fact, she is in denial and told me that my sister has "improved" in just a few days, in that my sister has tried to suppress those fits of rage and crying episodes "last week". I think perhaps the mention of mental illness is taboo in our culture. Such talk brings shame to my parents. How do I share the educational material with my family such that they too could benefit from it in making things easier for all of us over the long haul?

Probably best to stop talking about BPD and focus on interacting with certain behaviors.  Your sister will likely have episodes of better behavior, but it's only a matter of time before undesirable behaviors repeat.

All of the communication skills and tactics you can find here are part of good emotional intgelligence (EQ).  The skills can be used with anyone: workplace, family and friends.  Intelligence alone, doesn't equate to a high degree of success in life.  The combination of regular intelligence (IQ) and emotional intelligence (EQ) is generally the winning combination for success in life.

Perhaps you could indicate to you family that you are doing some independent study to enhance your emotional intelligence.  Then, share tactics such as: Boundaries, Don't Invalidate/Validate, Avoid Circular Arguments (Don't JADE), SET, "I" Statements, etc.   

All you can do is learn the skills for yourself to use (if other family members won't participate).  Things will improve for you as you become more proficient with the skills and change the way you interact with your sister and the way you react to her.  Perhaps, if you drop mention of mental illness and just focus on strategies for interacting with difficult people, your family might be more open to learning some skills and strategy.

There is a link in the "Tools Menu" (large green band at the top of the page), where you can go shopping for skills and info...   Also, the "Lessons" thread, at the top of the thread lineup, has links to lessons.

What do you think about the idea of just focusing on strategies to manage behaviors?  You aren't alone with your situation.  Many members have figured out the BPD puzzle and want to share with either the pwBPD and/or family members.  Unfortunately, BPD can be hard to understands for many (or the thought of mental illness is unacceptable).  What do you think about the idea of just focusing on strategies to manage behaviors?

[wanderhorse189]

Hey again Wanderhorse189:

Probably best to stop talking about BPD and focus on interacting with certain behaviors.  Your sister will likely have episodes of better behavior, but it's only a matter of time before undesirable behaviors repeat.

All of the communication skills and tactics you can find here are part of good emotional intgelligence (EQ).  The skills can be used with anyone: workplace, family and friends.  Intelligence alone, doesn't equate to a high degree of success in life.  The combination of regular intelligence (IQ) and emotional intelligence (EQ) is generally the winning combination for success in life.

Perhaps you could indicate to you family that you are doing some independent study to enhance your emotional intelligence.  Then, share tactics such as: Boundaries, Don't Invalidate/Validate, Avoid Circular Arguments (Don't JADE), SET, "I" Statements, etc.   

All you can do is learn the skills for yourself to use (if other family members won't participate).  Things will improve for you as you become more proficient with the skills and change the way you interact with your sister and the way you react to her.  Perhaps, if you drop mention of mental illness and just focus on strategies for interacting with difficult people, your family might be more open to learning some skills and strategy.

There is a link in the "Tools Menu" (large green band at the top of the page), where you can go shopping for skills and info...   Also, the "Lessons" thread, at the top of the thread lineup, has links to lessons.

What do you think about the idea of just focusing on strategies to manage behaviors?  You aren't alone with your situation.  Many members have figured out the BPD puzzle and want to share with either the pwBPD and/or family members.  Unfortunately, BPD can be hard to understands for many (or the thought of mental illness is unacceptable).  What do you think about the idea of just focusing on strategies to manage behaviors?

Hi Naughty Nibbler, thank you very much for your suggestions and for affirming that I am not alone in this. I agree with you that it is best for me now to drop the mention of BPD and just focus on "strategies to manage behaviors". I think I will internalize the material myself, and then slowly share with my family in the context of improving emotional intelligence. For now, other family members (especially my parents) do not want to entertain any thoughts that problems will arise in the future. And they cannot see some things that I notice in my private interactions with my sister. I have actually recently minimized interactions with my sister, and with the help of all the input here, hoping that I will be equipped for the times when I have to interact with her, and as what you mentioned, these skills will be useful for me in other relationships as well. So, thank you so much again for all the input and listening!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey wanderhorse189:

Take it slow and easy, moving forward - perhaps focus on one skill at a time.  The communication skills can take some practice, and even with the best skill, there can be situations where they aren't successful.  So, don't give up.  You will reap benefits.

You can always practice some of the skills with other, more normal people in your life.

Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.  Some people like to post to check their understanding and gain input and reinforcement as they apply communication skills/tactics.

Take care.