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Author Topic: Sister? Or punching bag?  (Read 528 times)
Small Sister
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 2


« on: June 11, 2017, 01:57:45 PM »

Hello BPD Family,

This is my first post. I have just gone through a hellish 24 hour texting marathon with my BP family member, who happens to be my older sister. She lives on the other side of the country, but I am pretty much her sole source of support and social interaction, not to mention money and an outlet for her rages. I love her and she is brilliant, funny, smart, fun and just such a great person in so many ways, yet she is also absolutely hell on earth and she aims all of her poison directly at me.

Of course she would say that she holds most of it back and if I think this is bad, I should hear what she really thinks of me. Sigh.

I've been living with this for years and years, spending hours on the phone with her and so forth, as an overworked and completely overwhelmed single mom myself. However, strangely, now that I have been married to a very supportive and loving husband for six months, I find I am having a harder and harder time handling my sister and her abuse. It seems to me that I had been accustomed to being sort of invisible with no needs and just a receptacle for her abuse, but now that I am being supported and loved and my needs are actually a thing, her input is more and more painful and overwhelming to me.

Yesterday she called. She was asking about my 13 year old daughter, and so I put her on the phone briefly. My daughter was smiling and laughing for the five minutes or so she talked with her aunt. I thought "wow, this is wonderful!" Then later that evening I got a barrage of text messages form my sister. "Please do not ever put me on the phone with her again. She clearly doesn't like me. She doesn't know me. I will probably never know her. You would be so, so relieved if I were dead."

It went on and on. Then a text marathon back and forth ensued that lasted all day. It was horrible. I was trying to be reasonable, rational, kind yet fair to myself, so forth. She was swearing at me, making jabs at my new marriage "I wouldn't be surprised if you aren't even together anymore and you just haven't told me" and on and on. She ended with a vague suicide threat, then silence. I called our brother who lives not too far from her, and he checked on her. Of course she was fine, but the fact that I asked him to check on her released a new barrage of rage.

OK, that's been my day and last night in a nutshell. I feel like a punching bag that has been pummeled from the outside by her and from the inside by my heart breaking. I wish I could have a normal, loving sister. I wish I could be that for her. I am looking for a local support group in my area. I sure could use some support from this community. Thank you.

Small Sister
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Naughty Nibbler
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2017, 10:45:32 PM »

Hey Small Sister:   
Welcoming to the Community!

Congrats on your recent wedding  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  I'm so sorry that your sister is acting the way she is and causing you so much grief.  I'm thinking that your sister is feeling jealous and probably experiencing feelings of abandonment.  It's not that you abandoned her, but now that you are married, she may feel she has competition.

Sorry about the remarks she made about your daughter. That was very unpleasant. Goodness, she is only 13. 

The articles/information at the links below might be helpful to read:

FAMILIAR FIGHTS

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

Has your sister ever gotten any treatment for any mental condition?  (therapy or meds?)

You can't change her.  The only thing you have control over is how you interact with her and react to her.  There are lots of lessons here that can teach you certain communication skills and tactics that can help you.

If you go to the large green band, at the very top of the page, you will find a "Tools Menu".  Two good lessons to start with are "Boundaries" and ":)on't Invalidate/Validate".

Perhaps you might want to set some boundaries regarding marathon texting sessions.  Sometime, you may need to take a break from a marathon sessions and say something like: "I'm (enter a feeling, i.e. angry, exhausted, etc.) right now and need to take a break from texting.  I want us to have mutually respectful conversations.  We can resume our discussion when that's possible.

The above is just a possible idea for a boundary.  What type of boundary might you want to set?

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Small Sister
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2017, 10:38:10 AM »

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful message. Wow, I think it is evidence of exactly how unaccustomed I am to kind words and acknowledgement of the events in my own life that when I read your first line congratulating me on my wedding, I burst into tears. I haven't really heard that sort of thing much. Thank you.

Thank you so much for the links you provided. I am also reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which I think is helping me too, but today I am feeling overwhelming grief and sadness about my sister and our relationship and what now feels like the loss of the dream I had of what was possible.

She is actually on meds and in therapy right now, and told me yesterday that she and her therapist are actively working right now on "letting me go", which I am not entirely sure how to interpret.

Those are some very good suggestions about limiting the texting and remembering that I can only change my own reactions. Yesterday I was trying to get her to agree that she would not in future make comments about how I would be relieved after her death and then follow that with going silent and not answering her phone or texts. She refused to agree to that, and of course she would refuse. I just have to find a way to stop reacting the way I do.

I am in so, so much pain today. It really does feel like mourning a death. I may look into a therapist for myself.

Thank you so much. Now I will look at your links. I hope you have a good day today.

best,
Small Sister

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Naughty Nibbler
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2017, 05:06:55 PM »

Hey Small Sister:

I think you could use a big hug.     I'm so sorry your sister is causing you so much pain.

Quote from: Small Sister
She is actually on meds and in therapy right now, and told me yesterday that she and her therapist are actively working right now on "letting me go", which I am not entirely sure how to interpret.
Does your sister have a diagnosis of BPD, or something else?  It's common for people with BPD (pwBPD) to NOT be truthful in their therapy sessions.  They can do a combination of holding back information, embellishing events/situations or just lying (which can equate to their distorted reality).  Sometimes, they paint a picture of someone else being the one with BPD.  They can do quite a smear campaign on someone, once they have SPLIT someone black.

Since she live a great distance from you, sound like joint counseling might be a difficult thing to do.  Some people do phone and/or video counseling.  Perhaps that could be an option down the road.  Minimally, your idea of some individual counseling is a good one.  It could be helpful to assist you in working through your grief and sadness.

Quote from: Small Sister
Yesterday I was trying to get her to agree that she would not in future make comments about how I would be relieved after her death and then follow that with going silent and not answering her phone or texts. She refused to agree to that, and of course she would refuse. I just have to find a way to stop reacting the way I do.

The information at the links below might help you phrase some advance comments for the next time she mentions her death.  Although saying, "you will be relieved after her death", isn't actually a suicide threat, she could say something more threatening in the future (or may have in the past). Threatening suicide, can become a form of abuse. It could be helpful to come up with a strategy and a Safety Plan to use with future situations.  In extreme situations, you may need to call emergency services, alert her therapist (if you know how to contact her/him), etc.  The first two links below lead to two articles that address the issue of suicide threats. You can adapt some of the suggested verbiage to apply to your situation (rather than a romantic partner).  

WHEN YOU ARE MANIPULATED BY SUICIDE THREATS

WHEN SOMEONE THREATENS SUICIDE

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS

The Safety First link below will help you with a Safety Plan. It might help you feel better about things, if you make a plan.   

SAFETY FIRST

Keep moving forward with your reading and learn the communication skills (Don't invalidate/validation, Don't Jade, "I" Statements, etc.).  The communication skills are good skills to use with anyone in your life, so you won't waste your time and efforts.  Your sister could swing back to idealizing you at some point in the future, or just reach out for you support on something.  
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