Yesterday, my partner had an outburst after work, but we both navigated it much better than in previous experiences.
It always confuses me at first when she begins yelling at me and behaving as if I've done something terribly wrong, when I know I've done nothing wrong at all. Well, of course it does. I'm guessing many of you can relate to that confusion... .it's a normal human reaction in that situation. And, just like any other time, I began by begging the question: "What in the world did I do to you?" Again, a normal human reaction to being yelled at for what seems like "no reason".
However, in previous experiences, I never stopped with that question. Instead, I got either got defensive (i.e. rose my voice back at her, saying something like, "This isn't fair! I didn't DO anything to you!" OR I got overly apologetic for the "imagined offense", saying, "I'm sorry for whatever I did! I don't know what it was, but I'm sorry!"
This time, I am proud to say we BOTH did things completely differently
When my question, "what did I do to you?" only resulted in her emotions escalating, SHE was the first one to ask for a "time out". I told her, "that's fine. I love you and will be here when you're ready to talk again." And she took about 5 minutes to herself to calm down a bit.
When she came back, she asked, "are you ready to talk?" Well, I quickly realized I was NOT ready. My thoughts were still jumbled. I was angry still for being treated that way. So then I asked for a "time out." She said, "that's fine. I'm here when you're ready." And I took almost 2 hours to sit and write my thoughts out in my journal.
After that, it didn't take us but 10 minutes to resolve the issue. She apologized for her behavior, and she assured me I hadn't done anything wrong- she just lost control of her emotions. I accepted the apology, and I reassured her that I understood that her emotions were going to get out of control sometimes, and that it was "okay" (i.e., NOT the "end of the world". I reminded her to focus on what we did RIGHT, instead of what had gone wrong. I praised her for remembering to take her time out.
It used to take us up to 6 or 7 hours to resolve an issue like this. This time, it only took about 2 and a half hours.
We both felt incredibly DRAINED from it, but we took a hot bath to soothe ourselves, and it worked amazingly. We both slept well and woke up feeling much better. And, really, we feel MORE connected than ever.
PROGRESS! It CAN happen
Hope this finds you all well. Also hope it gives some people hope. It IS possible!
