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Author Topic: BPD and Alcoholism, other experiences?  (Read 351 times)
Greencane

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 26


« on: June 13, 2017, 05:50:48 PM »

Hi everyone, I made my first post here a few months ago when things were pretty bad between my BPD wife and me, but never followed it up as things cooled down shortly after. Well, as they do with this diagnosis, they have gotten back to bad again and I’m looking for some sympathetic ears and maybe some advice.

I’ve thought for quite a while that my wife has a drinking problem. It’s a rare day that goes by that she doesn’t drink something, but she drinks during the day quite often when she’s not working, has wake-up drinks on the weekends, takes wine in a travel mug to our son’s soccer games, etc. She’s pretty high functioning, though—she gets good grades in school, does pretty well at her job, and is a great mother. She’s a pretty crappy wife, though. It’s been clear to me that I’m pretty low on her priority list for a while, she always has energy to be nice to the kids, to study for tests or write papers, and to pick up extra shifts at work, but rarely to be affectionate to me or to take more than my most basic needs into consideration. She can be pretty mean, critical, sarcastic, and neglectful of me, especially when she’s drinking. Most of the fights that we have are when she’s been drinking. It’s something that I’ve been noticing more and more recently, but things came to a head a few nights ago when she was drunk and it was late and she wanted to watch TV in bed but I had to get up early to go to work the next morning, so I said no. She pitched a fit, pouted, called me authoritarian, said that it’s her bed, too, made mean comments, etc, and eventually went to sleep in the spare bedroom.

The next night I talked with her about her drinking; I said that we tend to fight much more when we drink and that I was concerned about how much she drinks. I said I was concerned about how it was affecting her moods and our marriage. She immediately lashed out at me with accusations about my family trying to turn me on her, about me not protecting and sticking up for her, and finally yelling, “I’m not going to stop drinking!” It was clear to me that this was a defense mechanism to try to deflect from the drinking issues so I walked away. Things were cool but ok for the next day until I told her that I was going to my first Al-Anon meeting that night. She blew up again, saying that if I saw anyone I knew there that I had to leave, that I had to go to a meeting in another town, and that she was so embarrassed.

The meeting was helpful, as was talking to my sister-in-law who has dealt with an alcoholic spouse. Things were still cool the next day but she was drinking and so they reached a critical point that night, after she’s had even more. She asked if I had talked to my family about her drinking and I told her that I had shared my concerns with them. She thinks that they all hate her and are trying to turn me against her (which is totally not true, by the way). She became very, very suspicious, at one point even going through my phone and my computer looking for incriminating things. She accused me of ruining our marriage, said that she was going to talk to a lawyer about divorce, said that we need to cancel our vacation plans for later this month, and that she hates me. I exited this situation as soon as I could as I realized it was out of control and nothing good was going to come from being in it further. I went to my bedroom and she went to the pool to drink. About 5 hours later, at 1:30am, she came into the bedroom, totally hammered, and said that, while she still hates me, she also wants to have sex with her husband. She took her towel off, lied down on the bed, legs spread, and said, “Just so there’s no mixed signals, I still hate you and am probably going to divorce you. I’m ready, are you?” When I said that I could use a minute she said never mind and got up off the bed and left, after telling me that I’ve ruined our marriage. The next day I proposed that she stop drinking for a few months this summer so we could work on our marriage and she, pretty classically, replied with, “I could if I wanted to, I just don’t want you telling me what to do.” I know she drinks to self-medicate, she’s admitted that much to me in the past. She has also admitted to me in the past that, when she was in her 20’s she thought she could be an alcoholic so went to a few AA meetings, but then decided she didn’t have a problem. A few year ago, when training for a marathon she stopped drinking and remarked on how much better she felt.

I’ve been to another Al-Anon meeting since then, and seen my therapist, both of which have been very helpful. I’ve also continued to talk to my relative who’s been in a similar situation, this has been hugely helpful as well. So I’ve got support. But it’s still really, really tough dealing with all of the anger, animosity, and hate coming off of her. She’s made comments referencing that wishes I were dead, etc. She’s stopped location-sharing on her phone, turned off read receipts on her text messages, and taken off her wedding band.

I know that she hates herself, has a ton of anxiety and depression, quite a bit of paranoia, and huge abandonment issues. Her mother left her when she was a little girl, I think her dad probably sexually abused her and he was recently arrested and is currently in jail for soliciting sex for money from a 14-year-old girl. I think that she’s probably feeling threatened, embarrassed, and is in denial, so she’s lashing out. So, knowing all of that, I try to stay her rock, her unfailing source of love, her stability. When she makes a snide comment to me I let it slide, I tell her I love her as often as I can. I’ve told her that I’m not going to leave her (to which she replied that she was not at all worried about that). She tells me that she’s not the same scared little girl that she was a year ago, but I think the evidence shows otherwise. I try to tell myself that, whatever she’s saying, that she’s hurting more than I am. She’s gotten this angry and talked about divorce in the past and has never acted on it so I’m not too terribly scared about that but I am a little nervous. That being said, I’ve also reached a bit of a Zen state about that because if it’s going to happen it’s going to happen no matter what I do, and I know I’ll be fine if it does, but I do still love her an awful lot and want things to work out for us and for our family. I’m trying my best to take care of myself, to stay healthy, but man, what a trial.

I guess one of my questions in posting this was whether I should keep telling her I love her, etc, or give her some distance, but as I write this I think that the answer is not to pull away, but to keep bearing the brunt of her abuse and keep turning the other cheek and staying engaged. I guess any stories of similar situations, any advice, any observations would be helpful. I’m curious to hear from other people who have been involved with BPD substance abusers and how much their BPD improved, if at all, when the substance abuse stopped.

Thanks to everyone out there, we need to support each other!
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wendydarling
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2017, 10:37:44 PM »

Hi Greencane

I’m curious to hear from other people who have been involved with BPD substance abusers and how much their BPD improved, if at all, when the substance abuse stopped.
My 28yr daughter was self medicating with alcohol, the pain she was feeling was so intense under the influence she self harmed with a number of attempts, hospitalised, finally diagnosed.  She attended alcohol counselling for about 5 months and had to wait for DBT for 12 months. I can't say that her BPD improved as a result of abstinence. What helped her BPD is DBT, 12 months so far.

I guess one of my questions in posting this was whether I should keep telling her I love her, etc, or give her some distance, but as I write this I think that the answer is not to pull away, but to keep bearing the brunt of her abuse and keep turning the other cheek and staying engaged.
  Do you use the tools to the right of your screen Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) changing how we communicate can help.
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Greencane

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 26


« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2017, 07:15:03 AM »

Hi Wendydarling, thanks for sharing your experience. I'm glad to hear that your daughter is benefiting from DBT.

After I posted I went back and re-read the sidebar communication tips. I probably take more verbal abuse than I should, but I do try to not be invalidating and set limits on what I will tolerate.

We just had another long talk last night, in which she told me that she won't stop drinking and that I don't stick up for her and protect her enough, and that I've chosen my family over her. I reiterated over and over that I think these are all problems that we can work through, but she said she wants to divorce. She gave me an ultimatum, to stop going to Al-Anon or our relationship would be over but I stood my ground on that. At the end of the conversation she said that she's probably going to pursue a divorce. I've heard that before, so I won't totally believe it until I see the papers, but I'm still hit pretty hard.

Time will tell.
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