Need to vent

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi members and staff, old as new.

It's been a while. I've had to focus on the new job. Also therapy has been taking some energy. Therapy's over for the time being, I'll look for a new opportunity come autumn.

I'm seven months out after her discarding me.
No contact, apart from her sending me photos of me, in March/April.

Recently I've felt so down. I'm seeing my friends like never before, so I wouldn't say I'm alone. But I do feel lonely, empty, since the beginning of June. I'm also worried there's something wrong with my health. I get hypocondriac approx once a year...

One thing I really miss is someone's touch. I still have so much sorrow inside of me and I don't know how to let it out. Still waiting for an opportunity to cry, cry, cry. But seeing someone new isn't going to happen if I'm this sad. I feel old and broken.

The relationship.
Mum's cancer (survivor).

I've also been tempted to write my uBPD ex gf. Not to try to get us back together, no, to tell her I wish her the best and that I want her to take care of herself. The amount of emotional problems she struggled with was too much. She treated me very badly at times but I have forgiven her (in her absence). I am aware that writing her is highly problematic. I know nothing about her, nothing (but that's ok, it's best like this).

So... I feel a bit silly for sharing this. As if it isn't interesting and that I have to deal with it on my own. I who was happy during spring

Any input is welcome.
/Keef

[Keef]

Hi members and staff, old as new.

It's been a while. I've had to focus on the new job. Also therapy has been taking some energy. Therapy's over for the time being, I'll look for a new opportunity come autumn.

I'm seven months out after her discarding me.
No contact, apart from her sending me photos of me, in March/April.

Recently I've felt so down. I'm seeing my friends like never before, so I wouldn't say I'm alone. But I do feel lonely, empty, since the beginning of June. I'm also worried there's something wrong with my health. I get hypocondriac approx once a year...

One thing I really miss is someone's touch. I still have so much sorrow inside of me and I don't know how to let it out. Still waiting for an opportunity to cry, cry, cry. But seeing someone new isn't going to happen if I'm this sad. I feel old and broken.

The relationship.
Mum's cancer (survivor).

I've also been tempted to write my uBPD ex gf. Not to try to get us back together, no, to tell her I wish her the best and that I want her to take care of herself. The amount of emotional problems she struggled with was too much. She treated me very badly at times but I have forgiven her (in her absence). I am aware that writing her is highly problematic. I know nothing about her, nothing (but that's ok, it's best like this).

So... I feel a bit silly for sharing this. As if it isn't interesting and that I have to deal with it on my own. I who was happy during spring

Any input is welcome.
/Keef

[Hopeful_Me]

Hello Keef-

It sounds to me that your inner feelings of sadness and sorrow are looking to be soothed by a connection with  her - through your letter. Hoping for a positive response.

Question: How could you telling her you've forgiven her, help YOU? Just the act of forgiveness - whether she knows it or not - is helpful to you. It means the letting go of resentments.

What is the real reason for wanting to connect with her?

Is she the remedy for your pain? If so, how can that be when she is the cause of your pain?

Fire does not heal the burn.

I urge you to reconsider.

[Skip]

I've also been tempted to write my uBPD ex gf. Not to try to get us back together, no, to tell her I wish her the best and that I want her to take care of herself. The amount of emotional problems she struggled with was too much. She treated me very badly at times but I have forgiven her (in her absence). I am aware that writing her is highly problematic. I know nothing about her, nothing (but that's ok, it's best like this).

You sound both depressed and lonely. You are still grieving.

Making amends with your ex-partner is tricky. Certainly, you don't want to "forgive her" - that implies that she was wrong and you were right and it wouldn't go down well with any ex. Also, any contact at this point might also be seen as an effort to reconnect (saying you are not doesn't necessarily resolve that). I encourage you to share your draft her and get feedback on your note to keep it validating.

So what happened with the photo exchange. Sometimes you can extract info from that to better understand what will be well received.

Also, how did it end. That plays a lot into it also.

[Keef]

Hi Hopeful_Me,

What is the real reason for wanting to connect with her?

I want to say that I hope she is ok and doing well, and that I wish her the best. I would like to convey that this is heartfelt. I don't want her back, obviously we weren't good for eachother.
Writing to an ex (even if they should be stable) is a difficult one. We don't know anything about the mindset... the response, if any... may well be a nasty one. I know this. I've made mistakes before.
 

It sounds to me that your inner feelings of sadness and sorrow are looking to be soothed by a connection with  her - through your letter.

Yet, reading this, I can't say that this isn't the case... .Or do I maybe have a desire to have the final say? I do know that I honestly wish her well. But is that really something she needs to hear... from me   ? She often painted me black.

just the act of forgiveness - whether she knows it or not - is helpful to you.

Yes. And I haven't told her this, nor do I feel the need to.

[Keef]

Thanks Skip.

You are still grieving.

Yes Skip, I am.

Certainly, you don't want to "forgive her" - that implies that she was wrong and you were right and it wouldn't go down well with any ex. [... .] I encourage you to share your draft her and get feedback on your note to keep it validating.

I would never think of "forgiving her" in a letter (or in any other way noticeable to her). I have forgiven both of us. I have let go. I have no resentment, it's just so sad to think about the struggles she's had, both before we met and during the relationship.

I will share my draft here when I have a proper one.

So what happened with the photo exchange.

Well, she sent me a few pictures in March, from my birthday party the November before last. They were all of me. She weren't in any of them. No comments or note to go with them. I got very upset since I have no clue why she would do such a thing, and it opened a fresh wound. I think it was quite a selfish act. I didn't contact her after that though. Some would say it was an attempt to get me back in, but I really don't think so. I know her well despite her everchanging persona, and I think she probably did this to finally cut me out from her album, so to speak. But we can't be sure about this, of course. So you see, there was no exchange. Just her handwriting, my name and address hastily written down, on an envelope containing a few photographs of a happy Keef. That winter everything started going sour.

Also, how did it end.

This was mid-November 2017 (approx one year after the occasion she took the photographs). We were having dinner at a restaurant close to her flat, she'd been moody and undecisive all day, like a difficult child. All of a sudden she started to accuse me of sleeping with an ex of mine, which isn't true. This was for the umpteenth time, and so I told her I will not discuss this one more time. That's when she left me at the table and walked straight home. I finished my meal and later found her sitting in her sofa, ice queen style. She said "If you don't apologize straight away in an appropriate manner you can leave and never come back". It was absurd. I had nothing to apologize for (according to me of course - her view was radically different. She may have thought I wasn't listening to her, validating her). I left. It was like letting the air out of a balloon.

The week before I had gradually lost my patience with her tantrums, and so I met her near-daily fight-picking with very moderate interest (I did not lose my temper). I was probably already detaching without really knowing it. It is likely that she felt this and that she therefore once and for all lost interest in me, likely that she knew I wouldn't be triggered by her behaviour anymore.

The last proper contact we had was in December, around Christmas. I did get some closure from this. A couple of the things she wrote I didn't respond to, as I saw them as bait for starting yet another fight. I kept it friendly and correct.

I just want to her to know that I wish her all the good things in life. She is a very sensitive person and that kind of sensitivity has two sides to it. I wouldn't want to trigger her by writing to her. She had some awful terrifying outbursts during the relationship.

[Keef]

What are you thinking about this?

I feel lonely without the therapy. I know this site is a friendly and embracing place, I was here daily from around the end of November up until around March.
A new workplace is as anyone would know time-/energy consuming, meaning I couldn't find the time to come here as often as before. Now that summer is here the feelings of loneliness are surfacing again.

I notice people on this board recalling their broken relationships in vivid and colourful ways and detail, just like I did in the beginning. I just can't summon the energy to write of the year that was 2016 in that way right now. Please have a look at my earlier posts if you don't recall me etc.

I am in a grieving state of mind, but am right now actually seldom letting out/manifesting this grief.

Wishing everyone happiness and safety for le weekend,
Keef