Marriage - if you knew about BPD before

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone~

-tl;dr-
This got sorta lengthy~ I just HAD to blow this off my chest~ so there.

I've recently emerged from the FOG like a lighthouse  (two weeks ago).

There's so much useful information on these forums I can pull from posts of people who suffer like I did. Awesome.
Well let me introduce me, I'm currently engaged with my SO whom I hold so dear I've struggled with finding a reason for what the hell is going on with me and my gf, for about 2 years. My gf (right now) never would agree to get a diagnosis, nor would she admit something most definitely was off. I'm not sure if she really is a pwBPD, although she matches any description of this disorder to 100%, if you take out the self injury part!

Anyways, only recently I had (once again) a skies shattering argument with my gf, maybe 3 months ago, about something so silly I won't mention it here. Gf is a grandmaster-inflating-little-issues-into-giant-problems-princess , like oh so many times I have been threatened with breakups, occasionally was left and got back together - recently on a weekly basis -, we reconciled on conditions only to be randomly automagically being broken (in her eyes) later on. Sometimes a mere sigh in the wrong moment is enough for her to go into ballistic mode), always fully submerged in FOG I used to apologize over and over. Doesn't that sound familiar already~

After being stomped into FOG times and times again by days lasting silent treatments, for being the way I was raised by my parents - to speak up and fight back if something goes against your foundations - over and over, time and times again - we had (once again rinse and repeat) an argument about me "looking angry" (to my defense I only kinda spoke up against, or mentioned, her splitting lasting for the last 3 months, by saying "I'm sad that you don't give me much affection lately", in no way I was angry - she uses to generalize annoyance, anger and rage and whatever into "all the same things" - she can't think of any nuance in between [black and white thinking & distortion of reality] - though I can relate now that I know~ she's like a walking PA amplifier for emotions. Like gosh she got so angry she had tears in her eyes when she told how bad my expression was D:).
Over the course of events I once more had "cornered" her into telling me why she would block my phone number for 6 weeks straight (yet still contacting me and obviously being the bubbly girl she is to anyone else but me) a few days later. One night, she told me with a clearly annoyed undertone "have you ever heard of a prisoner going to jail for only one day?", after me subconsciously attempting to pull up a boundary by telling her that she can't block my phone number just because she has to record something with her cell, for whatever xx-silly reason (actually I only wanted to hear from her in person why she deleted me from fb friendlist, I kinda took that one personal childish as is, coming from my profesional field) she had to block me for the gazillionth time.
This is where the lid was blown off. Something had to happen or I was determined to leave her.
On here, for the first time in my life, I read about BPD.
She seriously called her own bf "a prisoner". I googled verbal abuse and whatever terms and ended up on some weird website (of someone who claimed to be a psychotherapist), horribly badmouthing pwBPD. I was like; my gf a cray ^=&☆? ... .and me a #~!%÷ non?
... what kinda "quack" writes like that and even shames the name of an internet forum in that person's scientifically appearing article for defaming her? -> the next thing I did was googling 'creditability <author name>' and guess where I ended up about two weeks? . The same forum she badmouthed about.
Thank God.

I've regained myself by lurking through the many threads on here. I've stepped out of FOG and even succeeded using SET on gf at first try.
After two years being lost of literally almost ruining my university degree (I ended up getting 2 academic warnings and a 3rd one impending - which means university expulsion - almost begging my professors to give me sufficient grades despite messing up a crapload of midterms, finals, and not submitting assignments over and over); I finally woke up from this mess I kinda created myself. Two weeks before the decision is made upon me, which allows me to go on or lays my entire life in shambles. ㅡㅡ

And lo' I still love my gf~ despite "dysfunctional relationship", "BPD", "caretaker" or whatever I read so far, after all... The named things are but a small part of my gf, I will do whatever I can from now on without neglecting myself, I am an optimist and once I set my mind on something I give it my all. Hope dies last.
Anyways there's a lot to do for both of us.
Like all of my friends told me the would run away,
give up and said I am "too loyal". The help and confidence I pulled from here already worked wonders so far! *self encourage self encourage*
*goes back to study~ grumbles*
-/tl;dr-

I wonder about you guys who are married with a pwBPD, if you knew your now-spouse had BPD, would you still marry?

[Gumiho]

Hi everyone~

-tl;dr-
This got sorta lengthy~ I just HAD to blow this off my chest~ so there.

I've recently emerged from the FOG like a lighthouse  (two weeks ago).

There's so much useful information on these forums I can pull from posts of people who suffer like I did. Awesome.
Well let me introduce me, I'm currently engaged with my SO whom I hold so dear I've struggled with finding a reason for what the hell is going on with me and my gf, for about 2 years. My gf (right now) never would agree to get a diagnosis, nor would she admit something most definitely was off. I'm not sure if she really is a pwBPD, although she matches any description of this disorder to 100%, if you take out the self injury part!

Anyways, only recently I had (once again) a skies shattering argument with my gf, maybe 3 months ago, about something so silly I won't mention it here. Gf is a grandmaster-inflating-little-issues-into-giant-problems-princess , like oh so many times I have been threatened with breakups, occasionally was left and got back together - recently on a weekly basis -, we reconciled on conditions only to be randomly automagically being broken (in her eyes) later on. Sometimes a mere sigh in the wrong moment is enough for her to go into ballistic mode), always fully submerged in FOG I used to apologize over and over. Doesn't that sound familiar already~

After being stomped into FOG times and times again by days lasting silent treatments, for being the way I was raised by my parents - to speak up and fight back if something goes against your foundations - over and over, time and times again - we had (once again rinse and repeat) an argument about me "looking angry" (to my defense I only kinda spoke up against, or mentioned, her splitting lasting for the last 3 months, by saying "I'm sad that you don't give me much affection lately", in no way I was angry - she uses to generalize annoyance, anger and rage and whatever into "all the same things" - she can't think of any nuance in between [black and white thinking & distortion of reality] - though I can relate now that I know~ she's like a walking PA amplifier for emotions. Like gosh she got so angry she had tears in her eyes when she told how bad my expression was D:).
Over the course of events I once more had "cornered" her into telling me why she would block my phone number for 6 weeks straight (yet still contacting me and obviously being the bubbly girl she is to anyone else but me) a few days later. One night, she told me with a clearly annoyed undertone "have you ever heard of a prisoner going to jail for only one day?", after me subconsciously attempting to pull up a boundary by telling her that she can't block my phone number just because she has to record something with her cell, for whatever xx-silly reason (actually I only wanted to hear from her in person why she deleted me from fb friendlist, I kinda took that one personal childish as is, coming from my profesional field) she had to block me for the gazillionth time.
This is where the lid was blown off. Something had to happen or I was determined to leave her.
On here, for the first time in my life, I read about BPD.
She seriously called her own bf "a prisoner". I googled verbal abuse and whatever terms and ended up on some weird website (of someone who claimed to be a psychotherapist), horribly badmouthing pwBPD. I was like; my gf a cray ^=&☆? ... .and me a #~!%÷ non?
... what kinda "quack" writes like that and even shames the name of an internet forum in that person's scientifically appearing article for defaming her? -> the next thing I did was googling 'creditability <author name>' and guess where I ended up about two weeks? . The same forum she badmouthed about.
Thank God.

I've regained myself by lurking through the many threads on here. I've stepped out of FOG and even succeeded using SET on gf at first try.
After two years being lost of literally almost ruining my university degree (I ended up getting 2 academic warnings and a 3rd one impending - which means university expulsion - almost begging my professors to give me sufficient grades despite messing up a crapload of midterms, finals, and not submitting assignments over and over); I finally woke up from this mess I kinda created myself. Two weeks before the decision is made upon me, which allows me to go on or lays my entire life in shambles. ㅡㅡ

And lo' I still love my gf~ despite "dysfunctional relationship", "BPD", "caretaker" or whatever I read so far, after all... The named things are but a small part of my gf, I will do whatever I can from now on without neglecting myself, I am an optimist and once I set my mind on something I give it my all. Hope dies last.
Anyways there's a lot to do for both of us.
Like all of my friends told me the would run away,
give up and said I am "too loyal". The help and confidence I pulled from here already worked wonders so far! *self encourage self encourage*
*goes back to study~ grumbles*
-/tl;dr-

I wonder about you guys who are married with a pwBPD, if you knew your now-spouse had BPD, would you still marry?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gumiho]

-> the next thing I did was googling 'creditability <author name>' and guess where I ended up about two weeks?

Was supposed to be minus the " about two weeks". Was still editing and somebody read ^^ - sry

[BeagleGirl]

Short answer - NO!

If I stop and think a bit more and ask the harder question "Would I still have married him so that our children could be conceived and born and become the amazing people they are?"... .Well, that's a philosophical question that it doesn't sound like you need to worry about.   

I'm 22 years into a marriage to a dBPDh.  His diagnosis only happened 2.5 months ago, but the emotional and verbal abuse was present very early on.  I have the emotional scars to prove it.  Have I had joy as well?  Yes.  I have two sons that I feel (as most mothers do) are a gift to the world and the light of my life.  I've had good times with dBPDh and I believe that dealing with his behaviors (abuse) has provided a strength and empathy that make me a better person.  That said, if I could go back in time 22 years and talk to my younger self I'd be calling off the wedding. 

[Gumiho]

BeagleGirl -
I can relate. My very own mother went through an abusive marriage for 25 years for her two sons. Witnessing the emotional pain she must have received when she finally packed her things and left the house certainly could be what made me the carebear I am today~
You and mom have one thing in common. Strong women, hats off.

Kudos
Gumiho

[lucky013]

Hi everyone~

-tl;dr-
This got sorta lengthy~ I just HAD to blow this off my chest~ so there.

I've recently emerged from the FOG like a lighthouse  (two weeks ago).

There's so much useful information on these forums I can pull from posts of people who suffer like I did. Awesome.
Well let me introduce me, I'm currently engaged with my SO whom I hold so dear I've struggled with finding a reason for what the hell is going on with me and my gf, for about 2 years. My gf (right now) never would agree to get a diagnosis, nor would she admit something most definitely was off. I'm not sure if she really is a pwBPD, although she matches any description of this disorder to 100%, if you take out the self injury part!

Anyways, only recently I had (once again) a skies shattering argument with my gf, maybe 3 months ago, about something so silly I won't mention it here. Gf is a grandmaster-inflating-little-issues-into-giant-problems-princess , like oh so many times I have been threatened with breakups, occasionally was left and got back together - recently on a weekly basis -, we reconciled on conditions only to be randomly automagically being broken (in her eyes) later on. Sometimes a mere sigh in the wrong moment is enough for her to go into ballistic mode), always fully submerged in FOG I used to apologize over and over. Doesn't that sound familiar already~

After being stomped into FOG times and times again by days lasting silent treatments, for being the way I was raised by my parents - to speak up and fight back if something goes against your foundations - over and over, time and times again - we had (once again rinse and repeat) an argument about me "looking angry" (to my defense I only kinda spoke up against, or mentioned, her splitting lasting for the last 3 months, by saying "I'm sad that you don't give me much affection lately", in no way I was angry - she uses to generalize annoyance, anger and rage and whatever into "all the same things" - she can't think of any nuance in between [black and white thinking & distortion of reality] - though I can relate now that I know~ she's like a walking PA amplifier for emotions. Like gosh she got so angry she had tears in her eyes when she told how bad my expression was D:).
Over the course of events I once more had "cornered" her into telling me why she would block my phone number for 6 weeks straight (yet still contacting me and obviously being the bubbly girl she is to anyone else but me) a few days later. One night, she told me with a clearly annoyed undertone "have you ever heard of a prisoner going to jail for only one day?", after me subconsciously attempting to pull up a boundary by telling her that she can't block my phone number just because she has to record something with her cell, for whatever xx-silly reason (actually I only wanted to hear from her in person why she deleted me from fb friendlist, I kinda took that one personal childish as is, coming from my profesional field) she had to block me for the gazillionth time.
This is where the lid was blown off. Something had to happen or I was determined to leave her.
On here, for the first time in my life, I read about BPD.
She seriously called her own bf "a prisoner". I googled verbal abuse and whatever terms and ended up on some weird website (of someone who claimed to be a psychotherapist), horribly badmouthing pwBPD. I was like; my gf a cray ^=&☆? ... .and me a #~!%÷ non?
... what kinda "quack" writes like that and even shames the name of an internet forum in that person's scientifically appearing article for defaming her? -> the next thing I did was googling 'creditability <author name>' and guess where I ended up about two weeks? . The same forum she badmouthed about.
Thank God.

I've regained myself by lurking through the many threads on here. I've stepped out of FOG and even succeeded using SET on gf at first try.
After two years being lost of literally almost ruining my university degree (I ended up getting 2 academic warnings and a 3rd one impending - which means university expulsion - almost begging my professors to give me sufficient grades despite messing up a crapload of midterms, finals, and not submitting assignments over and over); I finally woke up from this mess I kinda created myself. Two weeks before the decision is made upon me, which allows me to go on or lays my entire life in shambles. ㅡㅡ

And lo' I still love my gf~ despite "dysfunctional relationship", "BPD", "caretaker" or whatever I read so far, after all... The named things are but a small part of my gf, I will do whatever I can from now on without neglecting myself, I am an optimist and once I set my mind on something I give it my all. Hope dies last.
Anyways there's a lot to do for both of us.
Like all of my friends told me the would run away,
give up and said I am "too loyal". The help and confidence I pulled from here already worked wonders so far! *self encourage self encourage*
*goes back to study~ grumbles*
-/tl;dr-

I wonder about you guys who are married with a pwBPD, if you knew your now-spouse had BPD, would you still marry?

Such a great post, thanks for sharing your story, keep us updated on the progress!

[Coconut2017]

Such a great post, thanks for sharing your story, keep us updated on the progress!

I wish I could say no, if I knew he was pwBPD, I would not have left my awesome life, dream job, etc and got back to marry him, but I did know he was medicated ADHD, people we knew in common warned me about his 'temper' and I still did it. I came back to 'save him'... .as any other co-dependant would do. We tend to believe that we are some sort of special snowflakes and we can fix things if we give more love, try harder.

[Gumiho]

I wish I could say no, if I knew he was pwBPD, I would not have left my awesome life, dream job, etc and got back to marry him, but I did know he was medicated ADHD, people we knew in common warned me about his 'temper' and I still did it. I came back to 'save him'... .as any other co-dependant would do. We tend to believe that we are some sort of special snowflakes and we can fix things if we give more love, try harder.

Right. If I didn't ignore the many red warning flags raised even before gf and me started this relationship.
One day in our "something phase" (before we got romantically involved) she told me about her ex saying she got BPD ... I've discarded that statement blind from "in loveness".
I even can recall statements of myself to some friends, of being "utterly confused" to gf's unimaginable kindness to a stranger I was to her back then.
Fast skip forward 2 years, even my mom told me to run when I just told her only a tiny part of what gf is doing to me on emotional scape, it's not just my friends (we live 9000km apart in different places, so I'm carefully choosing what to tell her and what not, as I know she'd go sick of worrying about me)

*sigh* Anyways I haven't lost all hopes, but judging on most peoples experience, from what I've read so far, my future looks bleak.

[Gumiho]

Just yesterday we had a conversation about blocking my number for every tiny pea reason (me JADEing). - of course I didn't phrase it like that.
But she keeps fending her point of view that it's her right to block anyone's phone anytime she wants.
I must have been unclear about my boundary , or maybe that's just pouting. She told me "of course if you don't like me blocking then don't call".
Well - we both have a lot of stress recently, me with finals (right now -.-) and her with a special event coming up next week.
Anyways I'll save it for later, but sure will enforce that boundary. Hopefully without NCing her should she block again.

Ever walking on eggshells in terms of me blowing up and JADE back~
Gumiho

[Gumiho]

D-7 until gf's special event. I know if I threw anything "suspicious" at her she would hold it up against me forever after, so I'm trying to keep a low profile (toetipping on eggshells).
My finals ended (probably with horrible results, as homework in 4 of 5 subjects are still outstanding, and preparation time for the finals was much too short in but two weeks... .), and I'm in summer break now.
A disastrous outcome for my most likely self harming caregiving - gf asked me to run errands despite knowing I have to study hardcore on two weekends after my "enlightment" as if she didn't care - and I did caretake as far as I managed to juggle between both to some extent.

So now I have loads of time to break my head about how to go on with her, and how to deal with the outcome in the worst case scenario (university kicking me out and revoking my visa status). So to say, the wait is killing me.
However there are positive notes too - it seems her splitting is starting to dissipate... .After sending gf off to her town yesterday morning, I managed to land a goodbye kiss for the first time in two months, without her turning her pretty head away~
I'm gonna have to be careful like hell not to relapse and JADE at her, after her "grace period" is over (the end of her special event, of which I found out about using google, up to today she told me no word of when and where it will take place ;; ) - though I have a crapload of things on my shoulders to clarify - right now is the worst time to "sit her down" and have a talk (which is most often impossible with her, since she feels attacked by the tiniest little things addressed, completely shuts down and locks up like a pouting 3 year old, even if SET/DEARMAN is applied... .still working on how to do this without her feelings percieved as betrayed/attacked.)
We haven't fought in 3 weeks, which we did every few days before, although it may be too soon to celebrate, I certainly made some progress ^^;;;

Should she not tell me until after the special event takes place, I plan to tell her something like "good job, you worked hard" (as I would tell to one of the kids I'm teaching ). Which would indicate that I knew when the event was, despite her not telling me.
... or should I just shut up and not mention it?
Any thoughts on this are welcome - cause she might crawl back into her turtle shell if she felt busted by me knowing about the event.

One thing I noticed in general - if I wanted to tell her something important, it's best to feed her bite by bite (to avoid brain shutdown) and the timing has to be right too. How many times have I told her things and a few moments later she was asking me about the very issue addressed just before... On one hand she often appears to have no memory at all, on the other hand she is hyper intelligent and very talented (if she deems it right and wants to) - I'd label her as a super functioning pwBPD tho - I read an interesting thread about high functioning pwBPD recently.

The other outcome might be that she finally tells me about the event one day before (been there) and asks me to come.
argh -.-;