Need help regarding possibly BPD sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all,

I just discovered this site while doing some research and I decided to reach out.
I think my older sister has BPD, though she has not been diagnosed because she is 25 and refuses to see a therapist, and no one can make her go. I'll give a brief history of what she is like.

All her life she's had chaotic and unstable relationships. She and my parents fought constantly, and the fights were always explosive, with her screaming horrible things at them, and they had no idea how to control her. She was emotionally abusive to all of us and extremely manipulative. It's like she had split personality disorder--the sister who was so nice to me and fun to be around, and the sister who hit me and told me I was worthless and all sorts of other insults the second she got angry about something. I was the submissive younger sister who just went along with everything and didn't know what else to do. She never kept the same friends, because she used and abused everyone around her, and her friends would eventually ditch. She was constantly running away, sneaking out, getting in trouble at home, yet somehow in school she was top of the class, incredibly intelligent and an amazing musician, and got into a top college. Just when you started to hate her, she made you love her again.

I write now because the past couple years, and especially months, have been intolerable. We both went to the same college, and now live in the same town, and the same apartment complex. Lately, her life has been especially stressful because she is a world traveler, and she met a man while traveling and is now doing a green card marriage to bring him to the US. It's a tough process, very emotionally trying and stressful. Because of that she has been worse to deal with than ever. She has been drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and blowing up at everyone around her while black out drunk. She's had multiple explosions on me, because I'm the one who's always around. She called me the C word and a whore in front of an entire bar, simply because I left her for a few minutes to talk to a guy about the hockey game. She exploded on my parents on a family vacation, slamming my mother against the wall and threatening to hurt her, then disappearing into the night and not reappearing until the morning, after sending texts threatening to kill herself. She stood outside my apartment at 2 in the morning banging on the door and screaming until I had to call the police to get her to leave. And every one of these incidents, she refuses to accept that she did something wrong, and finds a way to blame someone else or blatantly lies and twists the story, then accuses you of doing the same.

Basically, all she does is take and take from me, and I have very little left to give. I have been her therapist, her support system, for years. My boyfriend and friends tell me they have no idea why I keep doing things for her, saying it's like an abusive relationship, but it's because she's family and I feel like I can't abandon her, especially if she is mentally ill. But whenever I ask her to do something for me, she says no without hesitation unless it's something that will benefit her, too. Yet the second I try to say no to her, she blows up on me and verbally abuses me. She doesn't appreciate a thing I do to help her--once I say no, everything I've ever done is forgotten and it becomes "You never do anything for me, you only care about yourself, you're selfish, you're a ___." Then she manipulates me into coming back to her by being so nice and fun and making me forget about the things she's done.

What on earth can I do? I can't make her see a therapist, because she's an adult. Her words are so hurtful and she is such a gifted manipulator that she makes me feel like I'm the one doing something wrong. Her wedding is coming up in a month, and I don't want to have to miss it, but right now we aren't speaking because I finally stood up for myself and said I wasn't going to be treated this way; her response, of course, was pages and pages worth of text messages telling me that I never do anything for her, I'm the one with the problem, she doesn't ever want to talk to me again, and I'm a liar.

How can I keep my family together, our relationship alive? My parents live in another state, yet they have problems with their marriage because they disagree over how to deal with my sister, and we all get in fights over what to do about her. Somedays, I think that our family would be so much better off without her because of how good things are when it's just the 3 of us, and then I hate myself for thinking that about my own flesh and blood. I just recently started looking up BPD and I am convinced that's what she has. But I don't know what to do with that information.

Any advice?

[715WS]

Hey all,

I just discovered this site while doing some research and I decided to reach out.
I think my older sister has BPD, though she has not been diagnosed because she is 25 and refuses to see a therapist, and no one can make her go. I'll give a brief history of what she is like.

All her life she's had chaotic and unstable relationships. She and my parents fought constantly, and the fights were always explosive, with her screaming horrible things at them, and they had no idea how to control her. She was emotionally abusive to all of us and extremely manipulative. It's like she had split personality disorder--the sister who was so nice to me and fun to be around, and the sister who hit me and told me I was worthless and all sorts of other insults the second she got angry about something. I was the submissive younger sister who just went along with everything and didn't know what else to do. She never kept the same friends, because she used and abused everyone around her, and her friends would eventually ditch. She was constantly running away, sneaking out, getting in trouble at home, yet somehow in school she was top of the class, incredibly intelligent and an amazing musician, and got into a top college. Just when you started to hate her, she made you love her again.

I write now because the past couple years, and especially months, have been intolerable. We both went to the same college, and now live in the same town, and the same apartment complex. Lately, her life has been especially stressful because she is a world traveler, and she met a man while traveling and is now doing a green card marriage to bring him to the US. It's a tough process, very emotionally trying and stressful. Because of that she has been worse to deal with than ever. She has been drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and blowing up at everyone around her while black out drunk. She's had multiple explosions on me, because I'm the one who's always around. She called me the C word and a whore in front of an entire bar, simply because I left her for a few minutes to talk to a guy about the hockey game. She exploded on my parents on a family vacation, slamming my mother against the wall and threatening to hurt her, then disappearing into the night and not reappearing until the morning, after sending texts threatening to kill herself. She stood outside my apartment at 2 in the morning banging on the door and screaming until I had to call the police to get her to leave. And every one of these incidents, she refuses to accept that she did something wrong, and finds a way to blame someone else or blatantly lies and twists the story, then accuses you of doing the same.

Basically, all she does is take and take from me, and I have very little left to give. I have been her therapist, her support system, for years. My boyfriend and friends tell me they have no idea why I keep doing things for her, saying it's like an abusive relationship, but it's because she's family and I feel like I can't abandon her, especially if she is mentally ill. But whenever I ask her to do something for me, she says no without hesitation unless it's something that will benefit her, too. Yet the second I try to say no to her, she blows up on me and verbally abuses me. She doesn't appreciate a thing I do to help her--once I say no, everything I've ever done is forgotten and it becomes "You never do anything for me, you only care about yourself, you're selfish, you're a ___." Then she manipulates me into coming back to her by being so nice and fun and making me forget about the things she's done.

What on earth can I do? I can't make her see a therapist, because she's an adult. Her words are so hurtful and she is such a gifted manipulator that she makes me feel like I'm the one doing something wrong. Her wedding is coming up in a month, and I don't want to have to miss it, but right now we aren't speaking because I finally stood up for myself and said I wasn't going to be treated this way; her response, of course, was pages and pages worth of text messages telling me that I never do anything for her, I'm the one with the problem, she doesn't ever want to talk to me again, and I'm a liar.

How can I keep my family together, our relationship alive? My parents live in another state, yet they have problems with their marriage because they disagree over how to deal with my sister, and we all get in fights over what to do about her. Somedays, I think that our family would be so much better off without her because of how good things are when it's just the 3 of us, and then I hate myself for thinking that about my own flesh and blood. I just recently started looking up BPD and I am convinced that's what she has. But I don't know what to do with that information.

Any advice?

[k-bliss]

Hi,

I also have a uBPD older sister.  It's so very difficult.  Our situations sound very similar.  My therapist has helped to to realize that since I am a trigger for her rage and anger,  I can no longer have a close relationship with her, nor am I in a position to help her right now. I'm not sure what this will look like (do I just keep distance and strong boundaries, or do I completely cut her off?  Not sure.  I have kids, and they enjoy her, so that's a complicating factor.) 

My heart knows that I need space to heal.  My heart knows that I cannot fix her, and that my best will never ever be enough (unless she decides to get help and change).  But my head (or my ego?) tells me things like "I have to help!  I can't abandon her!  She needs me!"  Truth is, she's a free agent, and having me as a punching bag isn't helping her at all.  I basically wrote down a conversation between my head (ego) and my heart (intuition).  My head was filled with fear and obligation, but my heart just wanted freedom from her tyranny and drama. I am following my heart on this one!

This is very esoteric and woo woo, but anyway, it helped me to write down this conversation to really flesh out what I wanted deep down.  I would also recommend talking to a therapist. 

Hope you can find peace soon!
Kristin

[Mutt]

Hi 715WS,



I'd like to join k-bliss and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that your r/s with your sister is difficult, I can understand the frustation with a pwBPD. I'd like to recommend a book by Dr Robert Friedel, he had a sister that was undiagnosed with BPD, it motivated him to help pwBPD, I think that you'll be able to relate to him. The book is called Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified, we recommend to read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. Also, reading about BPD normalizes the disorder, by understanding the reason why your sister behaves the way that she does, you can learn to depersonalize the behaviors, her behaviors are not because of the people around, it's because of what's going on inside of her.

Lastly, I'd like to share a DBT tool, it's called radical acceptance, I'm saying the following in general, I'm not saying this about you, when we wish someone was something other than who they are "I wish that my dad would validate me for the good things that I do" it causes us pain and suffering, because we're going against the reality of the situation. when we accept reality as it is, we can let go of a lot of that pain. Your sister is who she is, so be it, she's not in a space to get help right now, some pwBPD have to back themselves in a corner until they finally realize that there's something wrong and they'll get help. That's something that she's going to have to come to terms with on her own, she may get help, she may not get help.

There are only two things that you have control over, your thoughts and feelings, learn as much as you can about BPD, learn to accept her for who she is, I'm not saying that you can't have your feelings about her or the situation, practice radical acceptance, learn the lessons and the tools.

Radical acceptance was developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD. from the University of Washington (see article) and is based on the ancient Zen philosophy that each moment is complete by itself, and that the world is perfect as it is. Zen focuses on acceptance, validation, and tolerance instead of change.   Mindfulness is “allowing” experiences rather than suppressing or avoiding them. It is the intentional process of observing, describing, and participating in reality non-judgmentally, in the moment, and with effectiveness. Ethereal as it may sound, Linehan's methods have been independently studied by clinical researchers and shown to be effective.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)