Mantras or Affirmations You Say to Yourself?

[Peacefromwithin]

What mantras or positive affirmations do you say to yourself when the old tapes of your BPD/NPD parent play very loudly in your head? I've embarrassed myself now twice in the last 2 weeks because of horrendous anxiety that happened from not anyone's reactions but the old tapes in my head. It made people uncomfortable. I think my therapist wants me to try to agree with them. Has anyone tried that?

Also what about mantras, positive affirmations, or things do you say to yourself repeatedly when physically interacting with your family members with BPD/NPD to help in the moment, while they are acting crazy or saying crazy things? (My husband "goes to his happy place" but I don't know how to do that without them realizing I'm trying not to listen and then them getting mad over that). Once you are the receiver of the thousands of rantings and rages of a BPD/NPD, you tread carefully... .

[Panda39]

My mom is not BPD but can be very critical at times and I always think to myself... .

"This is about her and her issues and not about me or who I am"

In my mind that's how I see it and it helps me not take what she says personally and creates emotional distance from what is being said... .basically she can criticize all she wants but I refuse to take it in or own what she says to me in those moments.  Often her criticisms are about her keeping up appearances, her values (not mine), her rules (not mine), how I reflect her etc... .

Panda39

[Peacefromwithin]

My mom is not BPD but can be very critical at times and I always think to myself... .

Hi Panda,

Thank you for prefacing your reply with that. It's all about extremes. The criticism of a BPD/NPD parent is very difficult for people to comprehend or even believe, unless personally experienced.

"This is about her and her issues and not about me or who I am"

I love that! It's simple, profound, and perfectly summarized.

In my mind that's how I see it and it helps me not take what she says personally and creates emotional distance from what is being said... .basically she can criticize all she wants but I refuse to take it in or own what she says to me in those moments.  Often her criticisms are about her keeping up appearances, her values (not mine), her rules (not mine), how I reflect her etc... .

After a lifetime of brainwashing, it's really hard to remind myself sometimes that it's them and not me. I love the idea, however, of creating emotional distance from what is being said. I've recently been able to put that into practice and it's life changing. It truly keeps me at peace no matter who says or does anything. Unfortunately it's just going to take more practice to do this with sick family members.

[Panda39]

Hi peacefromwithin,

After a lifetime of brainwashing, it's really hard to remind myself sometimes that it's them and not me. I love the idea, however, of creating emotional distance from what is being said. I've recently been able to put that into practice and it's life changing. It truly keeps me at peace no matter who says or does anything. Unfortunately it's just going to take more practice to do this with sick family members.

Yep, it seems to be a combination of FOG and what you have internalized or been taught both take time and practice to learn to get around.  My SO's (significant other's) daughters struggle with this too when it comes to their uBPDmom unfortunately they have to learn to protect themselves both from emotional abuse and enmeshment, it's really tough to be in the middle of those 2 places.  My wish for them is that they someday are able to "radically accept" that their mom is who she is (not the mom they wish she was) and have the relationship (or not) that they want from that place.

I think you have a great idea  coming up with a short and sweet mantra that you can pull up in those rough interactions where someone is saying something untrue or hurtful that can keep you grounded. Might be something to bring up with my SO's daughters that could be helpful to them too. 

Panda39

[Peacefromwithin]

Yep, it seems to be a combination of FOG and what you have internalized or been taught both take time and practice to learn to get around.  My SO's (significant other's) daughters struggle with this too when it comes to their uBPDmom unfortunately they have to learn to protect themselves both from emotional abuse and enmeshment, it's really tough to be in the middle of those 2 places.  My wish for them is that they someday are able to "radically accept" that their mom is who she is (not the mom they wish she was) and have the relationship (or not) that they want from that place.

What exactly do I do to practice to learn to get around it? I don't know even know where to start. But I thought a mantra might help.

I'm sorry your SO's daughter struggles with this. I had no idea how to protect myself so whatever she can learn now would benefit her a lot. Acceptance was the hardest thing for me because I was programmed to believe that whenever my mother raged, it was entirely my fault (as in, "LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME!"   But had someone said to me, "PFW, your mother is insane. It's not your fault how she behaves" then I'm certain my life would have been a lot different. So I hope that helps you with your SO's daughter. 

I think you have a great idea  coming up with a short and sweet mantra that you can pull up in those rough interactions where someone is saying something untrue or hurtful that can keep you grounded. Might be something to bring up with my SO's daughters that could be helpful to them too. 

Thanks, Panda.   I have the idea but I don't have any ideas for an actual mantra. Do you have any? I hope this idea can help your SO's daughter, too. Maybe something for her like, "how my mother is acting has nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I can't change it, and I can't control it." (that's an Al-anon thing actually).