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Author Topic: Hearing your BPD/NPD Parents' Raging Voices in Your Head  (Read 428 times)
Peacefromwithin
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« on: June 15, 2017, 05:42:43 PM »

Why do they keep screaming about sh*t in my head? Is that common? I know I'm not "hearing voices". It's that their old tapes play in my head and it makes me anxious.

I should be able to run an errand in the present moment without my uNPD father or uBPD/NPD mother raging about something they've raged at in the past, or would rage at in the present moment if they were there with me, in my head. I know I need to stop trying to run from it, but it's hard to just let it be.

I wonder if I had gone NC instead of VLC, if they'd still be in my head, ranting and raging or making me feel badly about myself. I should never ever have allowed them to treat me like a sounding board. This is the result of decades of that.

I'm hoping to just hear quickly from others for validation if you experience this, but also mainly what you did to resolve it. It's sort of like OCD I think? Or is it more PTSD?

If I wasn't so terrified of their voices popping up in my head while meditating in the silence, or of my raging uBPD/NPD's mother's face popping up in my memory, I would be more disciplined with a meditation practice, because meditation helps me stay in the present moment.
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2017, 06:35:47 PM »

Hi Peace.

Ah yes, this is what I call Mother in my head.  The voice was relentless and though I still hear it, it has gotten much better.  It seems to be fairly common here on the board so know you are not alone.  It is an expected result after decades of abuse.  Of course their voices will still be in your head. 

I was limited contact with my mother until she died in 2007.  Even after her death, which provides the ultimate and unbreakable No Contact, I still hear/heard her voice.  So i do not think NC is the cure, though it may help in your case.

The things that I have found helpful is to know that hearing her voice did not mean I was crazy.  It was simply the result of too much abuse for too long.  Also, rather than trying to block her voice and image of her face from my mind, I try to force myself to sit with it, notice the voice, negate the voice and remind myself that I am in a much better position and no longer am at her mercy.  Again, I have not completely stopped it from happening, but I have improved greatly.  It is hard to sit with her face front and center in my head, but the more I do it, the less of an emotional and even physical reaction I have to it.  So yes, running from it will not help.

Excerpt
I should never ever have allowed them to treat me like a sounding board. This is the result of decades of that.
Work on erasing the 'should have' phrase from your thinking.  It puts too much pressure and places unrealistic responsibility on you.  How could you have stopped them from treating you as a sounding board if that was all you knew?  Don't judge your behaviors then based on knowledge you gained after the fact.  If you notice yourself saying that in your head or thinking it, switch it and say If I knew then what I know now I could have chosen differently.  it is okay though because I can work through this and improve things for myself (or whatever works for you).

Hope this helps some.  You might want to read about the inner critic at Pete Walkers' website.  I believe there is also a thread started by Kwamina on this board titled the same.

Be well.
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Peacefromwithin
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« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2017, 12:11:59 PM »

Ah yes, this is what I call Mother in my head.  The voice was relentless and though I still hear it, it has gotten much better.  It seems to be fairly common here on the board so know you are not alone.  It is an expected result after decades of abuse.  Of course their voices will still be in your head.  

Hi Harri,

Thank you for your reply.   Yup it's both uBPD/NPD mother and uNPD father in my head. It sucks. My increase of self-awareness has been both a blessing and a curse. I had no idea it was common and I am so thankful you told me that it was. Is there somewhere on here I can read about it, just for a quick validation to know I'm not alone and hear how others dealt with it?

I now have a better understanding as to my own OCD, tension, unhealthy reactions. I'm trying to have awareness of "the abusive parent in my head" because I think I've spent my life trying to desperately run away from it, which causes the OCD, tension, unhealthy reactions, etc.

The other day, I was able to calmly tell my husband about a recent occurrence after I broke a bottle of juice at the grocery store, when immediately my uNPD's dad's critical raging voice appeared to beat me up. He was able to empathize because his father, who was extremely verbally abusive, used to be that critical voice in his head. He also explained the difference between someone who "hears voices" vs someone who has a critical parent in their head, so that was really helpful, too, since I was concerned I must be crazy or something, .

Excerpt
I was limited contact with my mother until she died in 2007.  Even after her death, which provides the ultimate and unbreakable No Contact, I still hear/heard her voice.  So i do not think NC is the cure, though it may help in your case.

I'm not sure. It might be too late to go NC at this point. VLC helped me a lot to work on myself and be out of the FOG. I think I will still hear their voice even after death and they'll know it. I think my uBPD/NPD's mother still hears her own uBPD/NPD's mother's voice because she's still completely off her rocker. Same with my dad. I wonder if that's why a lot of people subconsciously turn to drinking or other addictions/compulsions, to drown out "that abusive and critical parent's voice".

Excerpt
The things that I have found helpful is to know that hearing her voice did not mean I was crazy.  It was simply the result of too much abuse for too long.
 

This helps me a lot. I was scared of that, yet I knew deep inside that it didn't mean that I was "hearing voices" but just all that programming and brainwashing was effecting me. It's so different from having an abusive boyfriend vs abusive parents/siblings, because an abusive boyfriend is usually a shorter time frame. A sheer lifetime of an abusive family almost feels engrained and has been much harder to get passed. So I thank you for saying "the result of too much abuse for too long". It really does wear you down.

Excerpt
Also, rather than trying to block her voice and image of her face from my mind, I try to force myself to sit with it, notice the voice, negate the voice and remind myself that I am in a much better position and no longer am at her mercy.  Again, I have not completely stopped it from happening, but I have improved greatly.  It is hard to sit with her face front and center in my head, but the more I do it, the less of an emotional and even physical reaction I have to it.  So yes, running from it will not help.

I'm not sure because I haven't delved into this with my therapist--just surface stuff about it--but I am thinking this is the root of a lot of things. My not allowing their voice to just be, and all the fighting of trying to run from it has caused much more harm than good.

I do not know why I let it be so powerful still. I react to it the same exact way I reacted to it as an absolutely terrified kid/teen. They can't hurt me anymore. It's all nonsense now. I don't have to listen to it anymore. They can scream and carry on in my head or in person and it shouldn't have to phase me one bit.

HOW do you allow yourself to sit with her face front and center in your head? Her face terrifies me more than anything. It was the worst part of her ear-piercing rages for me. Even worse than being cornered physically in a room with no escape during the rage. She'd slap me and yank on my hair and it stung and hurt but the pain of that face was much worse. I would've rathered been beaten than to see that face. Remember Medusa's face from Greek history? It was like being a millimeter away from that.

My therapist wants me to "agree" with their voice. I told him that that's like telling me to run into their arms if they're acting insane, when all I want to do is run away from them. This has been such a struggle for me. I feel like someone is telling me to run smack head on into a fire, telling me that that's what will put it out! I want to believe it but it's very scary.

My uNPD dad (or like my husband refers to him, "he's not just a narcissist. He's a 'RAGING' narcissist" (you'd have to experience my dad to understand) was yelling in my head immediately after my therapy session. [To explain my dad for a moment, he often goes into these raging, ranting, vents about something as simple as my not closing the lid on something tight enough--really minor things. And he will spew on every single detail about something really minor that he's livid about. I used to joke that spilling a glass of milk in my childhood home was a federal offense.] I suddenly agreed with "his voice". I told him that he was right. All of a sudden, it shrunk and went away. Powerful stuff.

Excerpt
Work on erasing the 'should have' phrase from your thinking.  It puts too much pressure and places unrealistic responsibility on you.  How could you have stopped them from treating you as a sounding board if that was all you knew?  :)on't judge your behaviors then based on knowledge you gained after the fact.  If you notice yourself saying that in your head or thinking it, switch it and say If I knew then what I know now I could have chosen differently.  it is okay though because I can work through this and improve things for myself (or whatever works for you).

Thank you for that reminder. "Should have's" get me no where but anger toward myself and blaming myself for not being able to deal with these insane people sooner in a healthier way. I love this: ":)on't judge your behaviors then based on knowledge you gained after the fact." That is such a cool way of looking at it. Thank you. I've got to remember to live in the moment. I can do better going forward.

Excerpt
Hope this helps some.  You might want to read about the inner critic at Pete Walkers' website.  I believe there is also a thread started by Kwamina on this board titled the same.

Thank you for the helpful suggestions! I will look into both of these.

  in gratitude,
PFW
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Fie
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« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2017, 02:03:03 PM »

Hello Peacefromwithin 

Our very wise member Harri has given you some crucial info, but I still wanted to pop in to confirm that yes I think those voices are normal. I also have them, although they have come to diminish a lot. In my case NC has contributed a great deal to that, as well as therapy has.

The programs from childhood just are still in our brains. Don't worry, this does not make you abnormal, I think even on the contrary. I even think it makes sense. As a child we probably even were conditioned to have them, so we could anticipate blowups by hearing our parents' voice in our head when we did something they would not approve, just to prevent a rage in real.

How come you are saying that it might be too late to go NC at this point ?

xx
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Peacefromwithin
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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 10:54:36 AM »

Hello Peacefromwithin  

Hi Fie!    Thanks for your reply.

Excerpt
Our very wise member Harri has given you some crucial info, but I still wanted to pop in to confirm that yes I think those voices are normal. I also have them, although they have come to diminish a lot. In my case NC has contributed a great deal to that, as well as therapy has.

Thank you for chiming in. It does help to hear from as many people as possible that this is "normal" and common. I'm sorry you have them. Would you mind sharing what in therapy helps to diminish the "voices"?

I'm not sure if it's just that my self-awareness of my thinking is increasing, or just that recently I've been in a lot of contact with my FOO.

Excerpt
The programs from childhood just are still in our brains. Don't worry, this does not make you abnormal, I think even on the contrary. I even think it makes sense. As a child we probably even were conditioned to have them, so we could anticipate blowups by hearing our parents' voice in our head when we did something they would not approve, just to prevent a rage in real.

That really is a good point to bring up, because I beat myself up sometimes wondering why I am not over it yet and why they're still in my head.

I really appreciate your writing how we were conditioned to have them. This helps me a lot. I like to understand the "why". I know I can't get all OCD about the "why" but truly what you wrote here helped me. I also wonder if it's happening now, because it happens over things that would've caused them to rage. The other day, I broke a bottle of juice at the grocery store when I put my bags down to readjust them on my wrist. My father raged in my head as if he was standing right next to me. It was awful. I know I'm not "hearing voices" but it's as if anytime something happens in life that would've made them rage, it's triggering. It made me so anxious, which then made me so embarrassed. So with my parents, it's not just doing something they wouldn't approve of, it's making a mistake or doing something "wrong" or that sets them off. The smallest things set them off.

Excerpt
How come you are saying that it might be too late to go NC at this point ?
Due to their ages. I wouldn't change from VLC to NC at this point.

I'm struggling in the moment because I keep thinking that I should be way past having these reactions already and I'm not sure I understand what I'm doing wrong in therapy. Or maybe this is a good thing that I'm finally having self-awareness of their rages in my head? It's just like you said-- like the memories of the rages just won't die and my brain is programmed to look out for new ones and then blame me for them. It's so weird.
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Panda39
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« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2017, 01:53:22 PM »

This discussion made me think of a tread from awhile back on "Emotional Flashbacks" and thought you might want to check it out... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277040.msg12622792#msg12622792

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Peacefromwithin
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« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2017, 03:58:43 PM »

Panda,

Thank you so much! That link was extremely helpful. This is definitely what I'm experiencing. I read the posts and now I'm going to go back and read the links for tools.

PFW 
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« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2017, 06:01:10 AM »

Hi Peacefromwithin
I also had the tape recorder in my mind running with my BPD mom and sister constantly telling me what I was doing wrong.  Quiet Your Mind by John Selby really helped me and as soon as I read the book I learned how to quiet my mind when the tape starts running.  It really helped me, I hope you will look into it and try it.
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Peacefromwithin
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« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2017, 11:28:15 AM »

Hi Peacefromwithin
I also had the tape recorder in my mind running with my BPD mom and sister constantly telling me what I was doing wrong.  Quiet Your Mind by John Selby really helped me and as soon as I read the book I learned how to quiet my mind when the tape starts running.  It really helped me, I hope you will look into it and try it.

Thank you, Needless2say, for sharing what helped you. I will definitely get that book. I love the title! 
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Fie
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« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2017, 03:21:28 PM »

Excerpt
Would you mind sharing what in therapy helps to diminish the "voices"?

I don't really know ! I do not work on the voices specifically in therapy. The original reason I decided to have therapy was that I realized I kept having abandonment issues, with partners, friends, and at the end also with my child. So I thought, time to do something.

It's a therapy that uses regression. My therapist teaches me how to recognize unwanted feelings, go in some sort of regression where I feel the 'old' pain (from childhood). When I come out of it, the 'load' has come off the feeling I had at first.  It has been extremely helpful so far. A lot of stuff has been put back where it belongs : in the past.

I am sure that the NC with my parents also helps a great deal. I do notice that when for some days I have been thinking about them more then usual, the voices come back. I do recognize the example you gave of the voice of your father when you dropped something. That's a classic for me. In my case most of the time I don't literally hear their voices. Sometimes I do, but sometime I see someone nod his/her head in disgust, or I hear 'tsss' or something, or sometimes it's just an anxious feeling of 'they would not be happy seeing this!'.
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