I'm not sure what's best right now

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

My son is 7 and has autism. He's much more aware of the situation at hand than I at first thought.

My ex husband(still married but is adamant he wants a divorce) left us last October to another state. He's been in minimal contact with my son and the contact he does give is usually because either my son wanted to talk to him or I called about some issue he needed to resolve.

He found a new person to lust after disguised as love and plans to move to the other side of the country to be with her. He told me he will visit once a year if he can and only wants to be able to talk to him and visit. He is voluntarily giving up his rights to him if he can, physical and legal custody.

I asked him why he doesn't call often even though he's STILL not working and has the time and he finally answered honestly that he feels guilty because he left and it's hard to talk to him. I made sure to tell him that he needs to deal with it if he cares for him because my son is hurting even more that he rarely contacts him. I asked him to make a decision on if he wants to be in his life or not because it isn't fair to keep stringing him along like this.

The last few days my son has been down again, emotional, crying easily and easily hurt, acting out with a bad attitude. I asked him earlier today what was wrong. He has a hard time answering 'what/why/where/when' questions. He asked me to hold him and give him a kiss and I asked him again "Why are you so sad?" He responded, "Because daddy doesn't come home". He cried some more and I held him and told him that I'm sorry he's hurting and that daddy isn't going to come home and stay but he'll come and visit you when he can. He calmed down and after that his mood picked up some. I think he wanted some verification that it was ok to feel sad because at first he kept denying he was sad and saying he's happy.

It's breaking my heart. Has anyone had a parent just basically disappear but have enough contact to cause pain? I don't know what's best for him. Should I let my son continue to talk to him? I have a notebook that I started since his dad left logging all contact with him and it isn't much. We aren't currently going through the divorce process as neither of us has the finances at the moment. He's trying to wash his hands of us because he can't handle the guilt over what he's done and I'm inclined to let him. I just don't know if that would be best for my son or not. Any advice is helpful. Thank you.

Purekalm

[purekalm]

Hello,

My son is 7 and has autism. He's much more aware of the situation at hand than I at first thought.

My ex husband(still married but is adamant he wants a divorce) left us last October to another state. He's been in minimal contact with my son and the contact he does give is usually because either my son wanted to talk to him or I called about some issue he needed to resolve.

He found a new person to lust after disguised as love and plans to move to the other side of the country to be with her. He told me he will visit once a year if he can and only wants to be able to talk to him and visit. He is voluntarily giving up his rights to him if he can, physical and legal custody.

I asked him why he doesn't call often even though he's STILL not working and has the time and he finally answered honestly that he feels guilty because he left and it's hard to talk to him. I made sure to tell him that he needs to deal with it if he cares for him because my son is hurting even more that he rarely contacts him. I asked him to make a decision on if he wants to be in his life or not because it isn't fair to keep stringing him along like this.

The last few days my son has been down again, emotional, crying easily and easily hurt, acting out with a bad attitude. I asked him earlier today what was wrong. He has a hard time answering 'what/why/where/when' questions. He asked me to hold him and give him a kiss and I asked him again "Why are you so sad?" He responded, "Because daddy doesn't come home". He cried some more and I held him and told him that I'm sorry he's hurting and that daddy isn't going to come home and stay but he'll come and visit you when he can. He calmed down and after that his mood picked up some. I think he wanted some verification that it was ok to feel sad because at first he kept denying he was sad and saying he's happy.

It's breaking my heart. Has anyone had a parent just basically disappear but have enough contact to cause pain? I don't know what's best for him. Should I let my son continue to talk to him? I have a notebook that I started since his dad left logging all contact with him and it isn't much. We aren't currently going through the divorce process as neither of us has the finances at the moment. He's trying to wash his hands of us because he can't handle the guilt over what he's done and I'm inclined to let him. I just don't know if that would be best for my son or not. Any advice is helpful. Thank you.

Purekalm

[Turkish]

I think you did a good job on validating your son,  pk. This sounds so heartbreaking... .

Daddy and Husband abandoned you both, both roles. This is extremely painful both for yourself,  and also that you see your child hurting. Adding to your pain and frustration might be playing a Parent role to your H and trying to get him to be a better Dad. Adults shouldn't need rescuing.

It sounds like you are doing well on keeping communication open with your H. You've thrown the ball into his court. Let it stay there as he is responsible for himself.

You and your son are now your own constellation.  Focus on that.  You seem wise and have a good start. The lessons here can help you with validating your son, and it sounds like you are doing it right,  as painful as it must be right now. 

[purekalm]

Turkish,

I think you did a good job on validating your son,  pk.

I hope I did. I'm always rethinking what I've said and wondering if it was the right thing to say.

Daddy and Husband abandoned you both, both roles.

This statement hit me pretty hard. It's not that I didn't know this, but reading it from someone else kind of makes it real in another way. It's hard to explain. I have been able to work through and deal with my feelings and pain and the reality of the situation so the pain I feel now is only for my son and what he's currently going through because he doesn't know how to do that.

It sounds like you are doing well on keeping communication open with your H.

I'm definitely trying and it hasn't been easy. As long as I don't touch certain issues and am as nice as possible he doesn't flip out on me. It's hard, but for my son's sake I swallowed my own crap, the majority of the time.

You and your son are now your own constellation.  Focus on that.  You seem wise and have a good start. The lessons here can help you with validating your son, and it sounds like you are doing it right,  as painful as it must be right now. 

That's an interesting way to put it. I like that, thank you.  I'm definitely trying to do it right. Thank you for the vote of confidence. 

Purekalm