Those dreadful mornings

[kerbarzorpit]

Breaking-up is always hard. If the other person took the decision, it hurts your ego and sometimes leaves you completely lost. If you took the decision, you will always wonder "what if". But breaking-up with a BPD partner is something else. It is shattering your dreams, losing the person that apparently loved you more than anyone else, letting go some sort of magic that made you feel the luckiest person in the world at the beginning of the relationship. It doesn't matter who took the decision, it is unavoidable to have regrets.

In that sense, I do not know if you experience the same thing as me, but every single morning, once I open my eyes, she comes to my mind, floods my head with her presence. Good memories flow vividly in front of my open or closed eyes under the pale light of the new day and regrets bite my heart without mercy. Is there any solution for this? Please answer me. It is a curse to start the day like this, and months have already passed since the last time we wrote to each other. She is already with someone else and hurts even more.

If you are interested in my story, here is a summary: we were in a long distance relationship for 7 months but seeing each other every two weeks starting from the third month. My grandmother introduced her to me by her request. She came strong, open and fast, she was everything I ever wanted, and on that third month she was already talking about marriage. On the fourth month she said she could not take the distance anymore. Not even seeing each other every weekend, like I offered, was enough for her. When we were together it was fireworks, magic, incredible sex and close moments, but also starting from the fourth month there was at least a fight and a threat about finishing everything every week or so. She would also constantly complain about her life and other people, hated her father who cheated on her mother and left her when she was 12, had different relationships during the last 2 years, was hyper-jealous, controlling and extremely afraid of losing me (except when she was threatening me). She would say that I was the only thing stable in her life with her mother also wanting to leave with her to another country in order to find a new guy that could mantain her (it has been a 10 year pattern for her mother: finding hosts and not working). In the seventh month the ultimatum came: we get married and live together or I leave with my mother to another country open to something new. I still needed one more year and to complete my 9 month master degree abroad in order to have strong feet for supporting us both, 2017 was going to be a difficult year (we would be seeing each other every 2 months), but I promised getting married in 2018, but she did not care, she said she did not trust me and that she would not wait more time. After begging her to come to her senses for 2 months, it was her that insisted me to be together for 4 months later (1 of them already from another country). That is 6 months total of a lingering hope. I had the key, but at the time, tired, I was not willing to risk my future for someone unstable threatening with ultimatums. The thing is that one month after the last love e-mail  she sent, already in her new country, she publicly proclaims in Facebook that she is in a relationship and that the new guy is the love of her life on Instagram kissing him. The facebook invitation for friendship she had resent me after she unblocked me when she was writing me these love e-mails -and that I never accepted-, disappeared.

I had the key... .she begged, and now I lost her. How can I get rid of those ghosts in the morning? It is torture to live like this. I feel like Prometheus chained to my memories and eaten alive by my regrets every single day.

[joeramabeme]

Hi kerbarzorpit

Sorry to hear what you are going through, that is really tough stuff.  Though the details of my story are different, many of the dynamics are the same.

I suppose that part of your morning awareness is that you somehow made the wrong choice or could have had a different outcome "if only .  . . ".  I relate and now that I am 2 years separated, I can say that while those are powerful feelings that have a measure of truth about them, they are also based on someone else that is not completely present emotionally.  Perhaps a poor analogy (perhaps not); think of a child promising to do great things with you once they are older.  It is not so far off.  The promise for a pwBPD is that once this relationship fixes them, you will have happily ever-after. 

To us it feels like we lost the chance of a lifetime and we are full of regret and remorse for letting it slip away or even pushing it away.  But "the promise" is not achievable, at least not as a couple; it is solely about the person with BPD.

It may not be possible to fathom this right now, but allow for the possibility that the dreamed of outcome was not possible from the start.  It was a shared desire of belief that was in-part based on faulty emotional mechanics, for both us and them.

Have you thought about trying to create a new morning routine?  Get up in the morning and place an inspiring devotional near you to read the very first thing.  Promise to write down one idea that is uplifting for you.  Even if for a moment you can change your thoughts, that is a start.  Eventually, the FOG lifts and the landscape becomes clearer.  These mornings will not last forever.

JRB

[Harley Quinn]

Hi kerbazorbit,

I'm sorry to hear you're having this daily experience.  It must be so painful for you.  Those memories and regrets really are so very difficult to handle.  I too had this emotional flood first thing in the morning following the breakup with my exBPDbf.  JRB makes a really good point here and reminded me too of how I managed it for myself.

Have you thought about trying to create a new morning routine?

What works best for you I'm sure will come from within.  For me, I somehow found myself downloading inspirational, empowering and uplifting quotes before going to bed, which I'd pick up and read as soon as I opened my eyes each morning.  It gradually altered my emotional state from a painful one to a more positive and optimistic one.  Although I no longer need to do that for the same reason, I often still do just because it sets my day off well and gives me back my smile.  Speaking of which, I read somewhere that if you're feeling low in yourself, be sure to smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning and you know what?  I've started to do that and it makes a difference in how I feel about me, which is no easy task.  I also think of things to be grateful for.  Practising gratitude has great benefits for our well being and can give us some balance when situations feel overwhelming. 

What other things are you doing in your life to help yourself through this difficult time?  It's important to look after yourself both physically and emotionally, so try to be kind to yourself and have self compassion.  Sometimes that just means being with your feelings and accepting that this is a healing process.  It can also mean doing things that give you a boost and restore you.  

Nothing heals like time and support and whilst we can't make the time go faster, continue to share on here and there will always be someone who can relate to your feelings and hopefully share from their experience to ease your suffering.

Love and light x  

[roberto516]

I had the key... .she begged, and now I lost her. How can I get rid of those ghosts in the morning? It is torture to live like this. I feel like Prometheus chained to my memories and eaten alive by my regrets every single day.

The morning is also the hardest for me. Everything you just said I can relate to. I like the ideas from other members which is something we might both benefit from. But it's hard. I used to love waking up early in the morning because it meant I had the whole day to do whatever I wanted and maximize my time on this earth. Now I wake up early sometimes and just wait and wait for the day to end. I understand what you're going through. It's not a pleasant experience.

Your quote above made me think about something. But first, if she moved on so quickly it could be argued that you never had her in the first place? At least not in the sense you had assumed. Which can feel like a major betrayal. My exdidn't really really beg after the first day but kept reaching out. All it took was 2 weeks for her to decide it was over. If 2 weeks apart, while I'm still communicating to her telling her I want to be with her but I need time, is all it takes. Well maybe she never felt the same about me. And the same might be true for your situation. As painful as that might seem.

I once read a book by Albert Camus called "the myth of sisyphus". If you aren't an exsistential/nihilist mind it could be a depressing read. Anyway, he talks about Sisyphus. The man who was punished by the gods and so he had to roll the stone to the top of the hill. But everytime he got right to the top of the hill he would stumble and roll back down the hill with the stone. Camus, in an analogy to life in general with its pain, tribulations, and heartbreak says the trick is to imagine that Sisyphus is smiling as he goes through this ordeal.

It could be helpful for you. If not, please disregard it. But it has helped me somewhat. Life isn't going to be perfect. Think about all our lives before our exe's. There were times it really stunk. But if we can smile during these things maybe it will make the hard times that much more manageable and accepting.  I don't know how I got on this. I think your mythology analogy just kicked up all these things which I have used for myself throughout life and perhaps it can be an alternate view for you as well.

You are allowed to feel this pain. It's okay. There will come a morning when you wake up and think to yourself "Huh... .I feel... .good" And it might feel weird. But it will happen. It's as definite as the sun rising each morning. The sunrise just might take a little longer to happen then you want... .but it will.

[Kelli Cornett]

I completely understand and have struggled with the same thing... .

It's brutally painful. 

I am now working to be at a point where I stop trying to get over it and just accept it ... It hurts and it may always hurt.   I think of her often mornings, nights etc...

Trying to get "rid" of that hasn't help, so I am thinking that accepting it may... Just like the death of a loved one  - they say you don't ever stop missing the person, or grieving but it becomes a part of you and you move on...

trying to get over it, wanting it gone just has seemed to keep me stuck in self judgement ... .

If it works I'll let you know... .Till then I keep the kleenex close...

[kerbarzorpit]

Thank you all for your replies and advices. The quotes are a very nice tool like JRB and Harley mentioned. I was using one before and perhaps I should start using it again, it may be inspiring for other people as well: "Warriors don't think about the past; the past is dead; life is now and the future is waiting". We all get stucked in the past, and not just any past but a past that involved someone who morphed into everything that we ever wanted and that we later lost. It is the ultimate failure if you forget the part about "morphing" and that is the problem, that we all do.

To us it feels like we lost the chance of a lifetime and we are full of regret and remorse for letting it slip away or even pushing it away.  But "the promise" is not achievable, at least not as a couple; it is solely about the person with BPD.

You hit jackpot there JRB, your analogy about the kid is true and this conclusion is the reality that we all must face.

I haven't tried the thing about simling to the mirror yet, Harley, but you are right, life is full of wonders and when we are in this process we run like we were at the Kentucky Derby with blinkers, only looking at that other person, chasing something that doesn't exist anymore. There is a lot more than the track of fear, obligation and guilt.

Your point is also great, roberto. Ironically, we isolate our mind because of this person and we become like them: our happiness suddenly depends on someone else who is now on our pedestal. This is extremely hard to accept, but the trick is to know that we are not actually like them. We do not have the ability of changing SOs from one day to another like they do and that is why we suffer, because we are not them. Therefore, we should not feel bad about this situation, as weird as it may sound, it is symptom of being healthier than them in that regard at least. True love hurts, and that is why they move forward and we do not, because they did not truly love us. They believe they did, but they cannot reach that level, it is all about satisfying needs and worshipping the person who they believe will satisfy those needs. We just need to learn and understand that they are who we thought they werel and make them disappear in the same way they make us disappear when they discard us.

I have tried to believe she is dead, brahmin. The problem is that she is not, she's out there sleeping, kissing and shouting out loud that once again she is with the love of her life. For me, it is key to understand that she wasn't who I thought she was. To destroy the idealization of her, that idealization of her that you created after she idealized you and morphed into everything that you ever wanted. It is very easy to do it rationally. Everyone who is in this forum already knows the truth, the problem is to convince our emotions. What do you guys think? How you convince your emotions? How do you make this person disappear?

[roberto516]

I have tried to believe she is dead, brahmin. The problem is that she is not, she's out there sleeping, kissing and shouting out loud that once again she is with the love of her life. For me, it is key to understand that she wasn't who I thought she was. To destroy the idealization of her, that idealization of her that you created after she idealized you and morphed into everything that you ever wanted. It is very easy to do it rationally. Everyone who is in this forum already knows the truth, the problem is to convince our emotions. What do you guys think? How you convince your emotions? How do you make this person disappear?

Time and self-compassion I think are the two biggest ones. The further we get away I think we will finally realize "Wow! I dodged a bullet there."

For me it is two fold. I loved this woman and still do. I would have given her my world (and I did to the best of my ability). The other part of me still wants to rescue her from herself. I know what she's doing. She's not "working on herself" as she said. She's running. She won't gain the insight she needs to be in a healthy relationship. She thinks working on herself means occupying her time with hobbies and interests without going to the core route of it all. And so I still just wish she would wake up and think "Geez he's right. What better person to be with and try with than someone who understands and cares about me?" But it won't happen.

Someone commented on another person's post about their T telling them to stop being so busy. "When life gives you lemons you don't have to make lemonade right away." It's okay to stop and wonder "Why do I feel this way/have this reaction because life has given me lemons?" This might seem like a ramble and it probably is .

The best way to make them disappear is time away, learning about you, and beginning to find yourself again. We loved deeply and truly. It's not something that will change overnight. But it will. As painful as that is. They will become a distant memory as we already are to them. And then our lives will carry on and we will look back on this without anymore anger or love. Which is sad to me but something which will happen one day.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi kerbazorpit,

Just hopped on before I head out to a course I'm on and MUST tell you that you have me grinning from ear to ear with this:

"Warriors don't think about the past; the past is dead; life is now and the future is waiting".

Guess what I've had arranged for some time now to have tattooed on my foot?  The word WARRIOR.  It's to remind me of my inner strength and what I've overcome in my life. 

Thanks for this.  Will send a fuller response soon.  Just wanted to show my gratitude and wish you well. 

Love and light x