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Author Topic: Is it worth replying? Or give BPD last word?  (Read 444 times)
k-bliss

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 7


« on: June 16, 2017, 05:07:30 PM »

Hi there,

Thanks for reading.  My sister recently slashed me to bits verbally after I politely said no to a favor she asked.  I've limited contact with her the past 4 years, which went fairly well.  I saw her tear down others, but not me, and thought I was safe!  I was surprised when she still found a way to attack me despite all the boundaries I put up.  In response, I basically told her I do not allow people to speak to me that way, and that I am unable to have a close relationship with someone who rages at me and my  husband. 

She has sent many emails since, ranging in tone from rage, to guilt trips, to dragging others into the conversation.  I stopped reading.  But then one email caught my eye, it was titled "My last email to you."  I was worried it was a suicide note so I read it.  It was not a suicide note (total click bait!), but basically her "being the better person" and releasing herself from the relationship so she would no longer have to tolerate my "abuse and neglect."  Arggg.       

At this point, we're on the same page.  We both don't want a relationship (or at least we're both SAYING that.)  Do I respond to this last email?  Do I clarify my boundaries?  She has a way of completely forgetting the boundaries I"ve set.  Forgetting the rage.  Forgetting her cruelty.  Forgetting everything but my supposed sins against her.  So I'm wondering do I send a clarification email that succinctly states my boundaries, and what limited contact will look like from here on out?  Or do I just let her have the last word (which is what I feel she wants, of course.)  I don't want to open up further communication from her.  But I do want to be very clear, and have a paper trail of my boundaries.  It also seems more humane to respond to her last email rather than ignore it.  My therapists said to just sit on it and wait, and if I have some importnat clarification that needs to be said, to write a short email.  She said that my sister's last email did not necessitate a response though.  So I guess, either way is ok? 

Any thoughts?  Thank you!



           
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Panda39
********
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2017, 05:22:39 PM »

Is there anything there to answer?  IMHO you don't respond to abuse... .email, verbal, phone etc.

I wanted to pass on a couple of links that you might find helpful in this situation... .

Don't "JADE" (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Stopping Circular Arguments

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

Hope these help clarify a path for you to take.

Take Care, 
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Harri
Retired Staff
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2017, 06:28:58 PM »

Hi.  Your situation with your sister sounds hurtful and frustrating. 

Panda supplied some great links so please read through them.

I would say not to reply.  Your sister has no way of knowing if your read or ignored any of the emails/texts she sent so why let her know she caught you with the "click bait"?  Any reply you make will most likely serve to reinforce her abusive and out of bounds behavior.  That is the very last thing you want to do.  Intermittent boundary enforcement (or lack of enforcement) will usually result in escalation of poor behaviors and will make it that much harder for you to deal with this.

Besides, if she has a history of forgetting your boundaries, rewriting history and playing the victim she will continue to do the same regardless of any email you send or how clear you make your message.  Think about it; nothing has changed at her end, so her behavior will most likely continue as long as she keeps getting a response.  Even negative attention is attention.

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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Rock Chick
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Does Not Apply - Person With BPD Is My BFs Mother
Posts: 110


Say Goodnight Gracie


« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2017, 01:20:00 AM »

I agree with everyone else do not reply. I highly doubt her email titled last email will be her last email. It might be awhile til the next one but im 95% sure or more that it wont be last.
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DonnaQuixote

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 12


« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2017, 05:39:55 PM »

Hi k-bliss, sorry you have to deal with this sort of sisterly relationship.  Seems like a lot of people on this message board have similar situations.  This might be a different approach to "boundaries" but with my BPD sis (she has a TON of diagnoses; not sure if BPD is among them, but she has every single one of the traits and it explains almost everything about her) I work really hard to set and maintain the boundaries that keep me and my family (kids/husband) safe, which unfortunately means she can't come to visit me in my home right now.  But, on the flip side, I set almost no boundaries around phone contact and what I do/don't let her say to me. 

Maybe I shouldn't do this, but I rarely react or push back when she rages at me personally, or starts ranting about being the victim of this or that (medical issues, malicious neighbors or family members, etc).  I tend to just humor her, which actually makes me sad because it means I've written her off in a way.  About 4 months ago I did push back and said I didn't enjoy listening to her rants and she needed to grow up and solve her problems instead of always playing the victim.  Well, let's just say that backfired.  In my mind it was actually a form of respect, saying that I respect her as an adult and expect her to act like one.  But the reality is she's not emotionally an adult (now in her 30's), and may never be.

I feel like I have to make a choice - either keep contact and a relationship with my sister (at the expense of letting some bad behaviors slide), or say I'm not going to put up with it but recognize that the only way to do that is ending contact.

Learning about BPD has been incredibly helpful.  I wish I had known this about her 15 years ago.  Now I feel like I can tell when it's the personality disorder talking, and know what to let go.  I don't think any of us can "win" the fight against a family member with a personality disorder... .they don't fight fair.  All we can do is figure out what we can and can't tolerate, and set boundaries accordingly.  In my case, I set boundaries for physical safety but tolerate quite a lot on the verbal side for the sake of maintaining contact with my sister (and I know I want that contact, both for the sake of maintaining a family bond, and to keep tabs on her state of mind b/c she has a child that I worry about).

Oh, and if your sister is anything like mine, she will probably never fully remember/respect the boundaries you set.  You just have to keep reinforcing them (with actions rather than words wherever possible).  "Paper trail" is always a good idea.  Good luck to you!

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