Mixed emotions.

[Shedd]

Hi!

So it's been a while.  Things are better because she hasn't been around at work.  I barely talk to her anymore.  I just feel a lot over her.  I'm worried though because I found out she's probably going to be coming back to my work, and I am scared that my feelings are going to come rushing back.  I'm hoping to get a new job here soon so I won't have to see her for very long (if at all) but any suggestions would be helpful as to what to do when I see her.  Should I be friendly? Not say anything? I mean we're trying to be civil so being friendly might be a good thing.  I really do care about her so I want to not have a hostile environment.  I hope I am strong enough where I can look at her and say something to her without those feeling pouring back into me. I have really mixed emotions about everything.

Also, I have a friend I talked to about my ex coming back, and she despises her.  She called her "That." It breaks my heart because she has no idea what my ex has been through.  My ex is a real person and struggles a lot in trying to be better.  I just don't know how to explain it to my friend.  I mean, I know she's protecting me, but she's like one of my best friends so if my ex ever came back into my life as a friend I would want her support, not this... .  If she's really that good of a friend though I should be able to say how I feel and everything be ok, right?

Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi, Shedd,

If you do not want to begin having feelings toward her again, could you just say hi, and move on by not engaging in more than polite, friendly conversation? "Hi, how are you? Nice to see you. Have a great day."

[eggfry]

It's hard to say how your ex will interpret your actions and words. Above all try to stay positive, friendly and don't have extended conversations. Focus on what you have control over, right?

It's difficult for anyone to watch a loved one experience pain. Similarly, many of my friends despise my BPD SO. Even knowing he has some serious problems and trauma he has to figure out. But just because you have problems doesn't justify the way you treat another human being. So from your friend's point of view she may only see your ex as a person who hurts you. Most of the time we need a friend when things are going poorly so we tend to not talk about the good things as often to our friends mostly times when we need someone to lean on. I forget that my friends don't always have the opportunities to see my SO from my point of view when he's being sweet and he's stable. Maybe talk to your friend about your ex but share some of the positives or what she means to you. Explain that how she talks about your ex is hurtful to you. I can't say that all my friends are supportive, but they respect that I've chosen to keep this person in my life and I care about all of them deeply.

[isilme]

Civil and professional does not mean friendly or emotionally engaged.  My H and a co-worker friend's H spent a lot of time together for a couple of years.  They had a falling out, and while I have tried to still be friendly with the coworker, I do not seek her outside of work unless others have included both of us in a group event.  I talk to her mostly about work things, and try to keep to a certain level of detachment with her. 

Engage as little or as much as you feel you can handle, but it's work.  Unless you are assigned to sit side by side, or work on the same project, hopefully you can maintain a comfortable distance.  You may consider letting HR or your direct supervisor know that due to a former interpersonal relationship you'd like to NOT be assigned to work in close proximity.