How to deal with discard?

[LightnessOfBeing]

Oh god. Discard. Sudden. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I feel sick. I've barely gotten through the past two days. No money for a counselor. This is so disorienting.

This experience is very surreal. That's what I can't cope with, the sheer surrealness of it - He's walking around whistling and chipper. He literally went from rage/decompensation outburst in which he ended our marriage to serene, casual, no-big-deal mode in less than 24 hours. It's truly as though the loss means literally nothing to him. It's so bizarre. I feel like I've been transported into an episode of the Twilight Zone. How do people survive this? How do you deal with this radical disparity between the normal experience you're having - shock, grief, crushing sadness - and the pwBPD's blitheness?

When things go awry - even seriously, acrimoniously awry - in a relationship in which neither party has a Cluster B personality disorder, there's at least _some_ recognition, some feeling, some... .something when it ends. This is like the love he claimed he felt for me was never real. Which deep down, I know is probably the case - although it may have felt real to him at the time, I don't think most people with unremediated BPD are capable of authentic human love -- if it's something that can literally disappear like a light switch being flipped, that's not love. A week ago, he was gushing about how much he loved me and how thrilled he was that we got married. And now-- just... nothing. There's nothing there in him, not an ounce of love; he looks at me with the flat, calm disinterest that one might look at a sock. When I started crying and said how crushing it will be to never see my stepson again (I've taken care of him since he was 18 months old), BPDh just said "yeah" in a completely indifferent, casual tone, and then just strolled away.

How have people dealt with this, how it feels when you're walking around practically dead from shock and grief, and your BPD spouse/partner is complete and total indifference, smiling and untroubled hours after destroying your marriage?... .

[caughtnreleased]

Hi LightnessOfBeing,

I'm so sorry you are going through this but trust me you are not alone as many of us have gone through this exact thing. The hardest part in a way is the denial of what existed and I really understand the pain that you are going through. In my five years having had a BPD in my life I was discarded many times, and I must say the first time was the absolutely worst time. He came back a year later though, but for that year, he was with someone else, and while there was facebook activity that seemed to acknowledge "something" between us - he created a group called "I f--g hate intellectuals" (he seemed to consider me as much) to which he changed a few months later to "I f--g love intellectuals" and he also did all sorts of things with the replacement which I had expressed a desire to do with him. He tried to erase me. And despite all the mixed messages he only contacted me a year later, even though I did see him roaming around my neighbourhood and he completely ignored me. I was a little bit prepared for the second discard and essentially took the attitude that he and I lived in a different reality.  For him, perhaps there was nothing between us, but for me there was something. That was actually a really helpful approach. Do not depend on HIM to define what is/was important to you. If you find a diamond in a mud pit, you have the ability to polish it off and see it for what it is. He likely would toss it out. Don't let him define what is important to you and what is not. Just because he has discarded, does not mean that you must do the same. Cherish what was good. Acknowledge what was bad. My biggest regret in the relationship was that during the first discard I was too ashamed to actually acknowledge the importance of the relationship - the discard triggered enormous shame in me. With him running around with millions of other women, partying, and essentially doing whatever he could to pretend like I meant nothing - I allowed myself to believe it and that was my mistake and once I realized that, I was in slightly better shape.

Imagine, you and him are looking at the most magnificent rose in the world and you acknowledge the beauty of what is before you and he can only turn away from it and go find some ragweed and pretend like it's so much BETTER than that stupid old rose which is worth nothing anyways. It's a bluff. The discard - while real - is actually a bluff. The only way to call out the bluff is for you to stick to YOUR reality, and simply acknowledging that each of you have a different approach and vision of what is important in life. Do not give him the power to convince you that the rose was/is worth nothing. Continue to value it - and really, to value yourself, and what you contributed in the relationship. In a sense - you are the rose. And he's trying to convince you that you are worth nothing and that he's going to have a much better time with all the allergies he's getting from ragweed, and that it even smells better. Don't fall for it but remember it is futile to try and get him to admit to his bluff. He's is creating his own reality and the more he thinks you don't believe it the harder he will try to convince you of it.
Stick to your own reality and understand that he may want nothing to do with it.
Sorry for this long and complicated post but I thought I would try and share with you what multiple traumatic discards have allowed me to learn and how I was able to overcome them after having been plunged into the depths of despair.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Yes, it happened to me 6x.  The first 5x, I ran after him and tried to talk him through what was clearly a psychotic break.  You don't go from I love you's and a trip to New Zealand getting booked for next year and a brand new phone contract to being done... .but a pwBPD does.  Five year marriage gone in a blink.  Repeatedly.  You will not be able to get answers from your pwBPD - they lack self awareness.

Here's what my T (who has 20+ years experience dealing with PD individuals) said, and maybe you can use the advice as much as I did.
- The choice is really yours as to whether to continue the relationship or not.  They tend to recycle and it will be up to you and your boundaries.
- The skill is to let them go.  pwBPD are experiential in nature.  You can't tell them about loss or hurt - they must experience it.  Right now yours has shut down that part of themselves and is engaging in apparent competence.
- They can not attach and you fill a need.  It is not love or attachment the way you experience it.
- For them to be a healthy individual in a relationship will take years of intense commitment to therapy.  Even then, any children you may have will also likely have proclivity towards this disorder.
- What I work with my other clients on is radical acceptance.  For this relationship to "work", you will have to accept him exactly as he is - chaotic, unable to meet let alone consider your needs, and he will likely continue to do these run-outs because this is his pattern.  (Each time they run out and you restart the relationship increases your and their dysfunction.)

Once she said the skill was to let them go, I did.  I was then tripped up with nightmares, longing, sadness.  But going no contact salvaged my destroyed soul.  It is incredibly hard.  If you get a chance to read the book Attached it talks through why folks like us (typically anxious attachment styles) tend to attract avoidant attachment styles.  In there too, it says those with avoidant or disorganized attachment styles need deep and intensive therapy to hold a healthy relationship.  (See a theme here?)

You are not alone, Lightness.  It hurts.  It absolutely hurts.  Practice extremely loving self-care.  You are your own best friend right now.  What would you tell your best friend?  How would you support your best friend? Most of us are empaths and are kinder to others than we are to ourselves, because we are feeling others emotions.  Use your best asset to your own advantage.  

You  may be in shock.  We are here for you.  Type it out, journal, educate yourself, do the workshops and read the articles.  You are in a safe space and there is generosity and warmth here.  Welcome.

[Emotions]

Hey lightness... .mine of over 7 years did the same thing, and I felt/ feel (starting to get a little better) empty, emotionally betrayed... .the two posts above mine are spot on, and I love the rose, ragweed analogy. I will keep that one too. Thanks for sharing everyone.

[Zemmma]

LightnessOfBeing: It's a horrible thing. What I will say is that it doesn't take a man with BPD to leave a woman like this. I was married to my wonderful husband for 17 years. We lived together for 23 and were together for almost 30 years. Suddenly, he hit his early 40's and BOOM- mid-life crisis! Or whatever. He is not BPD. Even though we had been together since we were 15 years old, moved just the two of us from city to city, were happy, bought houses, cottages, had two children, partied, worked, renovated houses, travelled, were best friends and very compatible for most of it, he suddenly decided to leave me. And RE-WROTE the past. He suddenly hated me and always had. And told me he never loved me. Never trusted me. None of this is true. He changed the facts to fit his current agenda. That's what people do in this situation. It is textbook. Google "mid-life crisis" or "runaway husbands" or "wife-abandonment syndrome." They all do similar things and say things as though reading from a script. Humans are pretty predictable. Sadly.

The fact that your ex has BPD tendencies means there is far more confusion in it. My bf that came after had BPD tendencies. What that does is make you doubt their intentions. You have seen them up and down so many times that it is difficult to believe they don't want you anymore. You stop trusting or respecting what they are telling you. We think we know better. It's so confusing. It wasn't until I truly let myself believe that he didn't love me anymore that I could consider letting go. I just thought he loved me but he was messed up in some way. I thought he was just fighting against this big love, or I thought he misunderstood me. I thought I could change his mind or fix it. As above, you can't tell them about your hurt. They stare blankly. Blink, blink...

When my ex-husband left me I was not myself for years. That first year I was a zombie. I know this shock and grief. I was sleeping one to two hours a night. It was horrible. I didn't even know what was real. Nothing you read or do can really help so much. It sucks so bad. I would say use simple CBT strategies. Note what you are doing when you feel a little better (being with family, watching a movie, listening to music, exercise?). Once you know what those things are, schedule in more time doing them. Now notice when you feel at your worst. Do less of those things or change how you do them. Right now you just have to cope.

This doesn't take days or weeks to get over. I'm sorry you are in for a hard road.

At the height of this pain, in walked the BPD who saved me. I literally thought he saved my life. Then over time he destroyed me. Yikes.

CaughtnReleased: Yes, to the alternate realities for the BPD man! I have gotten so frustrated about this with him. So many times he tried to tell me something was horrible when I thought it was fine or good. So many times he tried to tell me I had been unhappy when I was happy. When I showed him photos of us smiling together (proof!) he would say that for every picture he was thinking something awful and feeling badly, for every memory we shared I had treated him badly, for every weekend or event we had we were fighting. I remember him saying we were fighting when I just thought we were having conversations, or fun debates. I finally demanded that he stop invalidating my feelings. The thing was, he had a very hard time imagining that someone was experiencing something different than he was. Because he had a bad experience when he was in high school he thought everyone did and thought it was so messed up that I had happy teen years. Every time he saw a teenager he imagined they were in deep angst. It was really weird how he thought his experience was the universal experience. So YES to trusting your own memories and feelings. With him and with my ex-husband. I know when I was happy, and I know we were happy together for a lot or most of it. They can change their past if they want, but they can't change mine. I have been happy for most of my life, there is no way I am going to let them steal my happy memories from me!

Some people focus so much on the negative. Maybe I am looking through rose coloured glasses. If that is the case, I am keeping them on because that seems like the far better alternative. Way more fun, and a way better life plan!

HopinAndPrayin: I like what your T said. I do wonder about this ability to feel nothing once they have caused another person pain. What is that? They let you carry the pain and then they feel stronger? It helps me to realize that although he walked out, it is not just me that lost the love, sex, companionship, conversation, intimacy, connection... He lost it too. I can't have it anymore. Neither can he. We are equals in that. Break free of him 100% so he can't let you take the pain of that alone. He will have to feel it for himself. I figure, if it doesn't catch up with him when you break free then you are better off without him. I fought that for so long but I am coming around to knowing that I want to be loved by someone in real time. I don't want a man who thinks life would be better without me.

Hope you are okay.

[StayStrongNow]

LightnessOfBeing, your first expression of your feeling was being sick, I can completely understand that. I couldn't eat, I felt sick to my stomach. Your post describes myself and probably most regarding being discarded. But on your journey to healing and detaching we must go through the shock, hurt, feeling sick etc. I think it is the only way to move forward is to take your time to feel the hurt of losing the person you cared for.  These pwBPD just seem to put a spell on us as they once idealized us and carried on with their charm wearing their BPD mask and us nons grabbed a hold of this.

Looking back through all the pain I felt, the tears and hurt, I think it turns the ashes in our lives into growth and the determination of avoiding a similar situation by now understanding the effects on us nons by pwBPD. We move forward by being determined that they will hurt us no more. The worst will be over after some time of going NC.

The journey will take some time but someday you will make it through this storm LightnessOfBeing, you will be ok.

[HopinAndPrayin]

I do wonder about this ability to feel nothing once they have caused another person pain. What is that? They let you carry the pain and then they feel stronger?

In the last 4 months I've read 8 books on the topic and spent each week doing deep dives in therapy, while trying to hold on to my own sanity.  I'm by no means an expert, just a fellow traveler.

My understanding and this either came from the articles here or one of the books or from my T, is that it's a really complex defense mechanism.  The pwBPD has no emotional skin, so to speak. Because of this, perceived flaws make them extremely emotional and set them up in their minds for rejection / abandonment.  Instead of reflecting on the perceived flaw, sitting with it, examining it and seeing if changing it would be useful, they project the flaw onto you.  It has to do with fundamentally not seeing you as separate from them.  They do not understand the concept of self and other.  They can not accept their own self-hatred.  Once they project the flaw onto you, you are also devalued for having flaws (think about the black and white thinking here - you are either good and idealized for having the ability to save them or act as the ever-loving parent or flawed and devalued because failure can not be tolerated and now you are a wounding and abandoning parent).  To survive at this point, the pwBPD then discards you, because being associated with the failure puts them at risk for abandonment.  They aren't feeling pain, they are feeling panic and they slap a thickly varnished veneer of "Super Awesome Happy Sane Dude" on. To make sure the transfer of ownership on those emotions are complete, the smear campaign begins.  They begin a campaign they have worked on their whole life.  You end up the target of their smear campaign while they project having their sh*t together under a maladaptive coping mechanism called "apparent competence," while simultaneously actually using "active passivity" to avoid dealing with their real problem.  That the non believes they are at fault or tries to prove themselves while doubting themselves is part of the abuse we underwent called gaslighting.

I'm not sure if I cam across this here or in my Googling, but there's a meme that said "I just wanted a soulmate, not a degree in psychology," but educating yourself can help depersonalize a lot of this.  It will still hurt, but the more you educate yourself, the more you begin to realize the person you thought you knew and loved was using other maladaptive skills to mirror you and project your positive qualities back to you after studying you.  pwBPD don't have well-defined sense of self, so the personality you felt so close to was really your own mirrored back, in a lot of cases. Recognizing that was when the floor fell out on wanting to get him back for me.  The part I felt connected to in him was him "seeing and accepting" me, but he never really saw me, he saw the benevolent Uber parent.  That said, I believe there's a healthy level of self acceptance in all of us.  Here's my takeaway - I really do love myself and enjoy being with me. Which is great because that's all I have now.  Learning to love yourself as you are and accepting yourself and your choices as enough are what keeps you from ending up in another BPD (or some other brand of toxic) relationship.  Like many of us, I'm not ready to think about what's next.  I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I made the classic mistake of thinking familiarity was love.  But real adult love does operate with manipulation, chaos, abuse, and threatening behaviors.

Lightness, one of the books I read said to use the same techniques that avoidants (or discarding pwBPDs) use to separate.  Make a giant list of all the crappy, terrible, unloving, abusive behaviors they did.  pwBPD don't typically write it down, but write yours out.  Do not try to even it out with the opposite list yet.  Every time you get a pang of longing, reread that list.  Reread it and bring that memory to life in your mind and experience again what you were feeling in those moments.  With a BPD in your life, I guarantee you will have plenty to pick from.

It will get better.  You will get through this.

[Zemmma]

Thanks HopinAndPrayin
When I read things like that, I imagine the BPDex will go away and realize all of his angst comes WITH him and then he will see that it wasn't actually me who caused all the chaos! But that's maybe asking for too much.

I have a lot of self-confidence and love myself and my life. I just adored the good stuff he gave me and I miss them. That's my only problem with moving on- the time and things I valued most are gone. Things that can't be replaced. I have lists and lists like the one you describe and they do help. But the truth remains that I loved my time with him and never wanted to let them/him go. This is where we have to reach deep down for ACCEPTANCE, and maybe hope, that we will find something that fills us like that love again.

LightnessOfBeing: hoping you are okay today.

[HopinAndPrayin]

When I read things like that, I imagine the BPDex will go away and realize all of his angst comes WITH him and then he will see that it wasn't actually me who caused all the chaos! But that's maybe asking for too much.

They tend not to because of their belief that life is happpening to them (external locus of control). And I know this hurts to hear close to break-ups but they also quickly move on to a new idealized rescuer.  It's takes them a while (up to 6 month) to get that person hooked (attached).  The effort expended to hook the new person fills them with excitement.  Then after the person is hooked, the pwBPD starts the push pull all over again.  We really aren't seen as full human beings with adult needs for connection and love, so as hard as it is - none of what they are doing is personal.  We are an object, not a person.

I just adored the good stuff he gave me and I miss them. That's my only problem with moving on- the time and things I valued most are gone.

Ah, Zemmma.  Break-ups are hard.  It was real to us.  Be kind to yourself while you grieve.  One of my friends shared that divorce is like death without the corpse.  A bit morbid, but apt.  All break-ups come with grief.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are hurting so deeply. This is a trauma. Think of it as a serious car accident with broken bones and internal injuries. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Healing from something this profound will take time. You will get better but it won't be instant or linear. I think of it as a game of snakes and ladders. Take a few steps forward, slide back, then take some more steps forward. As long as you keep rolling the die you will eventually reach the end of the board. Mean while we are all out here to read and support you. Hugs.   

[joeramabeme]

A friend of mine said something wonderfully descriptive to me today about my whole experience; he called it a "Phantom Limb".  A phantom limb is the sensation that an amputated or missing limb is still attached.  It is a powerful way to describe what I think many of us feel here and how we end up down the path of so many questions that feel deeply unexplainable.

(pardon use of Phantom Limbs if anyone is offended)

How have people dealt with this, how it feels when you're walking around practically dead from shock and grief, and your BPD spouse/partner is complete and total indifference, smiling and untroubled hours after destroying your marriage?...

I have pondered this question too.  In the 2-years that I have been healing I have come to believe that sometimes the way we ask a question has a lot to do with the outputs we get and then how we assimilate and interpret meaning of our experiences. 

As has been pointed out,  I don't believe that what is being portrayed by your ex is an accurate representation of her feelings, but rather, her defenses - which often dictate her feelings.  If I changed the question slightly from how can your ex-partner be so indifferent, to, how can they have so many defenses; a different series of questions emerges and similarly a different understanding.

The surreal part is when I feel confident that what my ex chose to do makes very little sense in the bigger picture of things, relative to what I believed to be true (Phantom).  Perhaps they did at one time but fear is a very powerful motivator for people to act; just ask any dictator. 


J

[LightnessOfBeing]

Imagine, you and him are looking at the most magnificent rose in the world and you acknowledge the beauty of what is before you and he can only turn away from it and go find some ragweed and pretend like it's so much BETTER than that stupid old rose which is worth nothing anyways. It's a bluff. The discard - while real - is actually a bluff. The only way to call out the bluff is for you to stick to YOUR reality, and simply acknowledging that each of you have a different approach and vision of what is important in life. Do not give him the power to convince you that the rose was/is worth nothing. Continue to value it - and really, to value yourself, and what you contributed in the relationship. In a sense - you are the rose.

Caughtnreleased, please don't apologize for the 'long' post, it's so helpful, you're so kind. Tears were streaming down my face as I read it, the way you describe the situation in terms of the rose and the ragweed is so beautiful.  Right now, cherishing what was good feels too painful, but I think in the future, your wise advice will help my recovery. 

The divergent reality issue is the core of my pain, in a way - because what I always wanted was for him to live in reality, to come and join me there, rather than stay in his bubble of BPD distortions; so we end in the same way we interacted for two years - with him believing the confabulated narrative produced by his maladaptive coping mechanisms, and refusing to even glimpse at actual reality.     

I'm sorry you went through multiple traumatic discards. I'm sorry this happens to any of us, no one should have to go into these uniquely deep depths of despair. You're all so strong and kind, I can't imagine ever getting to the point where I don't feel this agony. But I got through today because of you and the other posters. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Thank you, HopinAndPrayin. 'Gone in a blink' - that reminds me of something I read a long time ago on the boards, someone was trying to describe the nature of a r/s with a pwBPD, and they framed it as analogous to 'building your house on sand.' Precisely.  I can't believe you lived through this six times.

They do lack self-awareness, to an almost astonishing degree. That was a primary issue for me in the relationship, it drove me up a wall. And here in the end, that same utter lack of self-awareness is causing me about as much pain concentrated into one blow as it did sprinkled throughout the relationship. If only he would _see_, if only we shared the same reality to some extent; even if the relationship was still over, even a momentary glimmer of self-awareness on his part would ease my pain so much. But I know that's not forthcoming. We have to make our own closure when we part ways with a pwBPD, they can provide nothing towards that process.

Your T sounds very astute. I searched a bit locally and couldn't find anyone with real background in PDs -- up until a few days ago, I was clinging to the hope that I could convince BPDh to go into therapy. The list is helpful, it's very grounding to see that spelled out. I know that I can't accept the version of a 'relationship' that being with him as he is entails - it's far too one-sided and dysfunctional, it feels too much like willingly accepting abuse, and I'm not that person. Deep (deep) down, under this current breath-stealing agony, I know this discard is a blessing. Even when it was 'good', this relationship didn't resemble at all what I want, what I've had, what I know is healthy and desirable. If he were to enter into therapy and go consistently for a year, I'd consider reconciliation at that point, but that's a pipe dream. I have to let go, I know I do. Your ability to go no contact, that strength, is amazing. I can imagine the depth of longing and sadness and pain that must have entailed. Truly letting go will be so hard - I can't imagine surviving the pain.

I saw fairly early on that I was just a self-object to him, and knew that they can't actually attach/love (in the normal sense) - I've written about BPD (and NPD). When I realized he had BPD, I had the idiotic hubris to think I could handle the situation because of my background; but in recent months (and most of all the discard moment, out of the blue) I realized that it's like being a physicist who comprehensively understands all the forces and dynamics of how bullets travel; this is no way prepares you for - or protects you from - a hail of actual bullets... .

So much is helpful in your reply. And I can't tell you how comforting it is to hear from others who've gone through this. My few remaining friends don't understand, they really can't grasp how different this is from a normal breakup/divorce. Only people who've lived through a r/s with a pwBPD get it, and it really helps so much, hearing from people who've been there. I'm definitely in shock, reeling. These are _such_ raw days, I'm barely surviving. I work FT and am doing 25 hours a week of graduate school, so I had to stand right back up the day after the bomb and go through the motions. And the smear campaign is imminent, so double whammy time. But I'm clinging to school with a deathgrip, because if I let this pain cause me to drop out of the program, I know the long-term effect of that will be devastating.

I wish so desperately that there was a local support group, I could really use face-to-face time with people who've been through this. If it weren't for this space, I can't imagine how much worse the past 72 hours would've been. Your generosity is so heartening. Thank you.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Everyone: I'm going to sleep now and come back to this thread tomorrow, but for now I just really wanted you each to know that you truly helped a person. 

[Zemmma]

LightnessOfBeing: Yes. I agree. Once again... something I noticed about him long before I knew about BPD or BPD traits. I used the word "distortion" to describe it. I literally told him countless times to stop making things up!

This man had me hanging on his beautiful words so closely that I saved almost every text he ever sent for at least two years. I downloaded an app and printed them all out! Now that was me being strange. But his words captivated me so much!

In those texts are so many of these ups and downs and arguments. Textbook BPD stuff. Stuff like these wild distortions of the truth. (And me calling him out on it). Two completely different realities. He seriously believed his. What madness!

[caughtnreleased]

Lightnessofbeing, I am glad that my words helped you and understand it will take you some time to process through your grief. Give yourself the time that you need. I found this article about valuing and devaluing incredibly helpful. If you are able to value, yourself, that which is important to you, then you are already miles ahead.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201107/how-ruin-your-life-devalue-more-you-value

[jhkbuzz]

I'm on my way out the door, but this sounds like the "detached protector." I saw it in my ex a number of times and it was crushing until I actually understood what was happening. Check out schema therapy for those with BPD (and a definition of "detached protector".  www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm

[HopinAndPrayin]

I'm definitely in shock, reeling. These are _such_ raw days, I'm barely surviving. I work FT and am doing 25 hours a week of graduate school, so I had to stand right back up the day after the bomb and go through the motions.

Lightness, girl, if you are working full time and doing 25 hours of graduate work, you are a bad*ss!  That you were able to do this and also be in a marriage with a pwBPD, is incredible.  Your inner strength saved you.  

For me, I was in my MBA and working as a teaching assistant 15 hours a week and a mentor another 12.  Working was the only thing that kept me sane as I went through chaotic hell at the beginning, but now I wonder if it wasn't also creative avoidance because I did not want to go home and I was working towards a lifelong goal. That was five years ago.  

After the break-up, I needed to keep working to keep myself from drowning.  My T challenged me to schedule some vacation and to take up mindfulness and sit with my feelings.  I was less than receptive to sitting with my feelings because when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade!  You DO things!  She challenged me and said you can keep doing things, but if you really want to heal, you have to get in touch with those emotions.  I waited two months after the break up to take a week off.  I went out with one of my friends to a local bar to see Kevin Costner's band and had an overwhelming panic attack about being back out there after a five year marriage.  I left and hyperventilated in the car with steaming hot tears coming down my face.  The girl at the counter at CVS asked me if I was ok and when I said no, I'm getting divorced and my husband is deeply mentally ill, she gave me the warmest hug and said she was separated from her husband and we are all hurting.  It was this beautiful moment of connection, generosity, and warmth from an absolute stranger.

I came home and started reading about PTSD.  They said to heal from PTSD to practice mindfulness and sit with your feelings.  Oh.  

Lightness, you are Wonder Woman.  Take time when you are ready to sit with all that is going on.  You will need it for long term healing.  For today, it's just about surviving the storm.  Some day we will all look back at these terribly difficult moments and wonder why we didn't leave sooner.  

[Helplessly]

Lightness.  Hang in there. Survive this. I agree with a poster above in that this doesn't have to be a personality disorder.

His departure may not have been so sudden. There is a chance that he mourned the relationship months before he made the break.  This is all too common. My girlfriend broke from me seemingly suddenly.  But in reality, she told me it was over in April. I CHOSE to stick around as a friend and nurse her through one of her many physical malady episodes. 6 weeks later I watched the seeds of a relationship between her and some dude blossom on  Instagram.  I was and still am somewhat suicidal. But she played within the rules. I didn't have to stay. That doesn't discount the batsh-t crazy things I endured for 18 months. But she gave notice.

In your case, he did not. But I assure you, he mourned. He just didn't have te fuc-ing courtesy to include you in on the secret. Hence the nice words towards the end. He was saying goodbye and thank you.

First of all, rest assured he is in for a lifetime of turmoil. I don't have to go into detail but he's in some trouble. Period.

Second, you owe it to yourself to be a little angry.  Yes, toward him. This is controversial but let's face it; he's been unfair. If ever there was a relationship where partners should keep each other relatively updated on status, it was yours.

Talk to a professional. Remind yourself it's him and NOT YOU. NOT BOTH. for now it's him. There's time to forgive down the line.

[Emotions]

The shock does go away lightness, it gets easier... .kind of like 2 steps forward 1 step backward... .have faith and go through the healthy (but extremely hard) stages of grief... .some days you'll feel depressed chemically and generally... .sometimes your try to bargain with your mind, maybe if I say this to them they will understand better and change or want me back, or give me ANY FRIGGIN validation or sense of care. Anger will pop in from time to time once the shock goes away... .ride these stages out because although they are powerful almost to a point of possession of your entirety mind body and spirit, they do go away and get better... .I'm about 1 month along, and I still cry, (depression)wish she would see what I see and learn what I have learned since the split, (bargaining) wish that she will have a break down in front of mr wonderful, my replacement, (anger) and feel lonely existentially at times (acceptance)... .none of these are fun to go through or deal with, but each one is essential to properly understand and move on from the dysfunctionality of the relationship... .self knowledge and strength be with you! You can and will get through this.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Thank you, Emotions. It's so generous of you to post and try to help me when you yourself are just a month away from your own breakup. It really helps to hear from everyone who's been through this - I am reeling, I feel struck down and like I'm never going to be able to stand up again. The way you lay out the terrain of grief, and your experience of it is helpful. I can totally relate - "ANY FRIGGIN validation"! Just a drop, an iota, a scrap. It would go so far toward speeding up my healing process. Every day since it happened, I've been drafting letters in my head, thinking if only I could be articulate enough, I could get him to see. I know I have to give that desire up, but the wish for them to be able to see what we see, to -know- what we -know- is SO strong in me. If only I could get him to _see_ the reality of him, of his behaviors, all of it - that would be enough for me, even if we didn't get back together. All I want is for him to emerge from the bubble of denial, distortion, etc.

What a nightmare. I've never had a dysfunctional r/s before, and WOW there couldn't be a worse introduction to them than someone with BPD. This is really painful. Your kindness helps a lot, it really does. Right now, it's just 'can I get through today?', try to survive one hour at a time. I hope in a month I'm better off - and I hope your own journey gets better and better 

[LightnessOfBeing]

Thank you, jhkbuzz. It resonates. There are several apropos rubrics, and I could get into 'inhibited grieving' and dissociation, and e-i-e-i-o, but the weird thing is, it actually doesn't make me feel much better, knowing that this demeanor arises from a pathological defense mechanism, psychic schism, etc. Ironically, I'm writing this as he whoops it up with a party on the other side of the paper-thin wall, thumpingly loud upbeat music and lots of laughing and exclaiming with his (hyper-enmeshing-probably-partly-responsible-for-why-he-has-BPD) mom. Ugh. Crushing is an adjective I can relate to, and it would be a lot easier to deal with this whole thing if I didn't have to have his maniacal happiness five seconds after throwing our marriage away rubbed in my face all the livelong day.

I think the sheer swiftness of it is a large part of why it's having such an intense impact on me. The devaluation period was uber fast: within less than a week of my - honestly, pretty civil and calm - pushback on the wildly domineering behavior that appeared out of nowhere about three months ago, he flipped channels between raging, infrequent and truncated flashes of vulnerability, and grandiose posturing for five days and then announced that we were done and I was dead to him. And I really am; there's nothing there, he looks at me completely blankly. And not like 'repressing all my pain and still secretly loving you at the bottom of it' blankly. It freaks me out, that 'love' can disappear like that. I could deal with normal loss, normal acrimony, normal growing apart/falling out of love, because those things happen over some span of time, they're a process, they're... .I don't know, normal. Natural. This was just- Boom! Down! One minute he's cooing at me and genuinely experiencing whatever the BPD version of love is, and the next- wow.

I knew it was wrong from the start, I knew I shouldn't have gotten into the r/s, I knew I was doing it for the wrong reason. (What? Go into a relationship just because I'm going through a hard and lonely time? I've never done that before, maybe I should try it out. Yeah, this whole 'healthy and self-actualized' thing is boring, let's do it!  #OwnFault #TheEmotionalEquivalentOfTheTvShowJackass)

[LightnessOfBeing]

Hope2727, I wish I had something more clever to say than "Thank you", but that's all I've got tonight. Everybody's support here means the world to me, I've never been through anything so frighteningly/overwhelmingly painful in my entire life. I do think this is legitimately a trauma, and I wish I could afford professional support. For now, just daily goal of "Survive today." I've come back to this thread every day since it happened - three days that feel like a thousand - and it's been a lifeline in each of these shocking first days. thank you 

[Emotions]

You'll make it through, I promise... .as each day goes by you will get a clear view of how dysfunctional the relationship was (at least that's what's happening with me) if you can and are able, use this opportunity to eat healthy, exercise every day, and sleep or lay down for 8 hours a night... .take care of yourself, and you will learn you have strength and endurance you didn't know you had... .you will start to have time and energy on the simpler things in life... .call as many old friends and family that you can, and if you know anyone who has been through a tough break up, use them like a sponsor... .good luck and we are all behind you or in front of you 100 percent!

[LightnessOfBeing]

Thanks Hopin, but I'm definitely not Wonder Woman. Unless I'm "Wonder How I Can Possibly Survive Another Day Woman". (Also, I got a B on the paper I wrote the day after he dropped the bomb - having done a Master's yourself, you know that a B is basically a D at the grad level.)

That CVS incident is so heartwarming, those kinds of encounters can be amazingly impactful. This board is a bit like that for me. I wish I had family, or a T; getting through this essentially solo is hard. I'm in a new city, so I really need to go out and make some local friends, but as I am at the moment people would run screaming away.

Assurance that there is a happier 'someday' helps, there's no such thing as too much. I might know intellectually/abstractly that I'll be okay eventually, but I most definitely don't believe it right now. You made it, and I'm so glad. Total strangers you may all be, but I'm genuinely happy for the successes and recoveries of everybody on this site. This is a unique trauma to go through.

I'm also now scared about the divorce. I know pwBPD sometimes go full-on, crazyface aggressive during splits, and I fear he might try to hurt me in the divorce somehow. Not really sure how, but he's crafty, and I wouldn't put anything past him, no matter how outrageous, or even criminal. He definitely has no compunction about lying, revenge, etc., and he's got a vindictiveness streak a mile wide. I'm petrified to look on the family law board, I know there are horror stories. *cowers*

[HopinAndPrayin]

I have an old bookmark with a quote on it that reads "Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once."

Today, you do not have to worry about what may happen with the divorce in the future, the friends you should be making, or any other thing than keeping yourself healthy and alive.  One day at a time until your get fully out of the quick sand.  When you're free, you'll know.

Is there anything you can set for yourself to look forward to?  Maybe going for a walk somewhere relaxing?  Savoring a warm mug of tea?  Getting through a non-relationship task you have been procrastinating on?

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you, jhkbuzz. It resonates. There are several apropos rubrics, and I could get into 'inhibited grieving' and dissociation, and e-i-e-i-o, but the weird thing is, it actually doesn't make me feel much better, knowing that this demeanor arises from a pathological defense mechanism, psychic schism, etc. Ironically, I'm writing this as he whoops it up with a party on the other side of the paper-thin wall, thumpingly loud upbeat music and lots of laughing and exclaiming with his (hyper-enmeshing-probably-partly-responsible-for-why-he-has-BPD) mom. Ugh. Crushing is an adjective I can relate to, and it would be a lot easier to deal with this whole thing if I didn't have to have his maniacal happiness five seconds after throwing our marriage away rubbed in my face all the livelong day.

The "whooping it up on the other side of the wall" is terrible... .I don't know how I would have survived that.    I understand why what I posted is of little comfort - it helped me after the immediate aftermath, when I felt worthless because of the cold, unfeeling discard. It helped me understand that it really wasn't about me (or who I am) at all. It was the result of a disorder that I have absolutely no control over.

One minute he's cooing at me and genuinely experiencing whatever the BPD version of love is, and the next- wow.

  Yes - this may remain the single most traumatizing experience of your life. Is there anywhere else you can stay for a bit?

I got into my r/s because I was going through a "hard and lonely time" as well.  The r/s and breakup has taught me a lot about myself, and I am actually happy (and happily single) right now. I believe that living my life in this space (not a hard and lonely space) will make me much more responsive to red flags if I see them in my next r/s.

[Emotions]

Jk buzz, how long have you been out of your relationship? I can't wait to be happy again.

[caughtnreleased]

And not like 'repressing all my pain and still secretly loving you at the bottom of it' blankly. It freaks me out, that 'love' can disappear like that. I could deal with normal loss, normal acrimony, normal growing apart/falling out of love, because those things happen over some span of time, they're a process, they're... .I don't know, normal. Natural. This was just- Boom! Down! One minute he's cooing at me and genuinely experiencing whatever the BPD version of love is, and the next- wow.

I knew it was wrong from the start, I knew I shouldn't have gotten into the r/s, I knew I was doing it for the wrong reason. (What? Go into a relationship just because I'm going through a hard and lonely time? I've never done that before, maybe I should try it out. Yeah, this whole 'healthy and self-actualized' thing is boring, let's do it!  #OwnFault #TheEmotionalEquivalentOfTheTvShowJackass)

Lightnessofbeing - You will get through this. You are smart and you have things going for you in your life. Keep pushing hard with your degree. It sounds like despite this BPD relationship you are someone who moves in life... .moves forward. And THAT is something that is at odds with anyone who has BPD. Any move forward for them is really just like a boomerang. It doesn't stick. Nothing sticks. Not love, not discard, not nothing. They are terrified of change and growth and will do anything to prevent it and prevent it in people who are near them. I think you need to be prepared for that.

I have mourned my BPDex 3,4 times maybe more. Each time I thought he was really, truly finally gone - he breathed fresh life, or I tried to resuscitate him and woa he wasn't gone after all. That's why - valuation and devaluation - both are bluffs. Nothing is real even though it all feels so real.

I now actually think of my BPDex as a ghost. There were glimpses of him when he was real and I loved those things, but they were fleeting and he would almost always abruptly end those moments, ruin them somehow. The rest of the time - he was just a shadow and so there was nothing to lean against, nothing to trust, nothing that would remain stable. Find those stable things in your life. Devote your attention to those things that will give back to you - like your masters, and maybe the right people in your life. I think it's great that you are doing a Masters. It's a wonderful investment in yourself. Now it's all about where you chose to place your energy.

I have never felt a greater urge in my life than to 'help'/rescue my BPDex. It felt like the gravitational pull of a black hole... .but despite it all I climbed out of it and the further away I got, the easier it got. Every single day that you climb away from that black hole is a victory for you, no matter how hard it feels. You are doing great!

[jhkbuzz]

Jk buzz, how long have you been out of your relationship? I can't wait to be happy again.

A little less than three years. It was an 8 year r/s. It took time and therapy to heal.

Strangely enough, I had a dream about her last night - and I don't often dream of her. I don't remember the content of the dream, but I remember that I was feeling frustrated by something she was doing. In the dream I thought, "God, I can't wait until she moves out for the second time."

Then I woke up and thought, wow! There it is. Here I am; glad that I'm no longer embroiled in the crazy-making.