Am I the problem?

[Belizabeth]

So I met my ex BPD 2 years ago when I met her she was engaged to a woman and living with her... .she met me and quickly left her girlfriend a week later moved out of her apartment I was extremely suspicious of this and we broke up off and on for a few months in which case she would find someone very quickly (guy or girl) a day or so later. We ended up getting back together she moved in and we stayed together for a year the relationship was crazy, constant ups and downs I always told her I felt she was incapable of being alone in which case she denied and said I just didn't understand her. She was extremely pushy about me putting a ring on her finger and marriage claiming I was her soulmate. After a year I couldn't ignore my intuition anymore and broke up w her... .2 weeks later she was engaged to an ex from 4 years ago (they dated for 7 months back then) it's been 6 months since we broke up I heard she moved about an hour away to live w this guy and they are happily engaged. Although I have been healing and doing my own inner work sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm the problem? If I would have stayed would we be engaged right now? She looks genuinely happy and I start to wonder if I'm the one who created the problems. Is this a common feeling? Just not sure how to feel... .she really does seem happy and 2 weeks later doesn't even give a person time to heal. I'm not sure how she can move on so quickly just needing some support.

[roberto516]

You're feelings are absolutely normal. It's perfectly healthy to go from these moods of "is it all my fault" to "its all her fault!" With time and healing we will find a healthy balance.

Reading your post shows me that you were rightfully cautious about such an early committment to someone which didn't seem "right". Remember, people with BPD or BPD traits may want to lock up an attachment early on. It's why so many here have stories of the quick demand for marriage, moving in, or given a house key.

I don't know your story but if you want any solace for yourself just remember that you are working on yourself now. It's a time to find out the part she played and the part you played. Maybe she will find happily ever after with this person, but only if he is perfect in everyway. I have a strong feeling the second he disappoints in anyway the cycle will continue.

I'm sorry for your experience. It's a hurt that leaves us wondering how we could care so much for the realization to sink in that they cared so little.

[once removed]

hi Belizabeth,

i struggled with some of these questions myself, and i think understanding a bit more about the coping mechanisms of people with traits of this disorder can help. my ex appeared not to grieve either - what i learned is that she was processing things much differently than me, and not in the same way i expected her to.

pwBPD traits often cope with compartmentalizing pain. we all do this in ways, to put aside things we cant or are not ready to process.

building on that, it sounds like your ex uses new relationships as a means to cope. this is not uncommon for people with traits of this disorder (or unique to BPD), and it is a coping mechanism.

its of cold comfort really, but it can help us understand and depersonalize what feels very hurtful.

[AnuDay]

A lot of us have been discarded.  Some of us have been recycled, but you had the strength and the foresight to see the hidden madness behind BPD.  Maybe her new lover has BPD or a disorder.  Maybe hes very needy and that makes her happy because he will be her doormat. You decided to say NO and for that you can be commended.  How is your self-esteem level?

[40days_in_desert]

I want to share an observation from reading a couple of thousand posts, hundreds of hours of research online, talking to therapists, psychologists and some people that I have had conversations with that were in a romantic relationship with someone who at least showed BPD traits. I am not a professional but enjoy research and like detecting patterns. In the case where the BPD or uBPD left the relationship, a majority had another SO lined up when they made the decision to leave their current partner. This was true in my case when my uBPDxw (divorced soon) left two years ago. But as once removed stated, it isn't uncommon for people that aren't BPD or that have BPD traits either. There was one real attempt at recycle for me six months ago which didn't go far as I had time to become more healthy and recognize what was going on. She sees herself as a victim and her relationship with her bf was on the rocks and chose me to "rescue" her. When I didn't do that, like I always did in the past, she did a "180" and I was split black again. I struggled with the same/similar emotions/feelings as Belizabeth and once removed but also, "did she ever love me?" I came to a point where I didn't need or want to know if she did love me as much as I felt throughout the years. I had my memories of feeling that she did love me at the time and that was and is real for me.
As far as what I recognized as mentioned above, I noticed that all of the pain, trauma, scars that she talked about during the recycle attempt were hers. Never mentioned how I may have felt when she was caught talking to this man while we were still together, surprise divorce, etc. It was all about her. Whether she didn't feel that it should have affected me at the time, didn't have the capacity, felt that I deserved it or simply didn't care, the fact remains that she never acknowledged it.
One last thing that might help. My ex's bf is an ex-bf of hers from when she was 18. She made a comment during this recycle that although being with him made her feel like she was living back 20 years ago. Her current lifestyle definitely supports that statement.

[Belizabeth]

Anuday I would say my self esteem at that time wasn't the best. I think I thought I had self esteem but after I left the relationship I really began to look within myself and a lot of the walls I built I think were these ideas of self esteem but I had to learn to build them from within. I do believe myself esteem has gotten a lot better since leaving that relationship. I believe I am the first person who has actually left her. She seems to leave all of her partners out of the blue but always comes back around to them when things aren't going well where she's at. She did block me on everything once she got engaged... .as I did to her because I knew I couldn't ever go back to this relationship. However I do still think about her often I just know it's no good for me. Parts of me wonder if she will actually really get engaged. What is it with BPDs and there obsession to get married? After 2 weeks she was talking about marriage and how I was her soulmate/twin flame and it seemed very odd to me. 2 weeks later she was engaged to this man it all just goes SO fast I couldn't even wrap my head around what was happening until it was all over

[roberto516]

What is it with BPDs and there obsession to get married? After 2 weeks she was talking about marriage and how I was her soulmate/twin flame and it seemed very odd to me. 2 weeks later she was engaged to this man it all just goes SO fast I couldn't even wrap my head around what was happening until it was all over

It locks in the attachment. It makes perfect sense to me now why within a month she had bought me a dresser and I had moved clothes in. It makes sense why within a week of being "official" I had her house key. It's a comfort thing. If they lock you in with commitments like that they feel they have their solid attachment. However, here is the real killer. Once they get you they don't need to chase, lure, pursue anymore. So the devalue can slowly begin. It's not conscious. They just "have you" so now you can be the caretaker they always wanted. But they will test, push, and test some more until the self-fulfilling prophecy comes true. Which is that "no one loves me".

It's not a fact, but my theory also is why they always tend to pick co-workers as well. Lots of people here met their exe's at work. It could be another way to keep the attachment close and in sight. When mine left for a new location she would call me from her office 20 times a day for any and all reasons. If I didn't answer she'd text me "Where are you?". They need that attachment. In a way, we did too. Or at least it became that way for us as the idealization really got us hooked in.

I feel bad for my ex. I hope she really is staying single to work on herself. Is she working on herself to the capacity she needs to? I doubt it. I don't think she has the insight. I think she is just running from the uncomfortable feelings and is enjoying doing what she wants. It's safe. She's in control that way. Again, in a way, it's almost something to empathize with.

[Belizabeth]

Very interesting you mention the work thing. My ex partner would always tell me we had totally seperate lives when the only time we ever spent apart was work. I said what do you mean? We're together 24/7 besides work hours but to her working APART somehow equaled us having totally different lives which I found odd. Other things she would say would catch me off guard too that once she got someone she no longer wanted them. I was seein a lot of red flags but at the time I think I confused lust for love. The girl is gorgeous even now I see pictures of her and I'm like she is one pretty woman! But as I grow I realize there is more to a relationship then looks and sex. The whole thing can get frustrating at times because she sincerely looks very happy w this guy although she said nothing but negative things about him when she was with me and even went as far as to say she had no respect for men and thought they were lesser human beings then woman... .now she's engaged to one. I am curious if this will actually last as she's never had a relationship for longer than 1 year.

[Helplessly]

The short answer is yes you are the problem.  I may get smacked around here for this but think about your story.  Read the others.  Read mine.  Solid relationships are not founded upon the foundations we put down.  There is empathy here. 

But i've yet to see a relationship issue in my past where I didn't influence the direction I/we were headed.  If you date someone married, expect the worst.  If you're married, expect the worst.  if you accept a key to the apartment in less than a month (me) expect the worst. 

I'm also shocked at the number of stories where a couple moves in together after like, two months.  I think we all have some issues to resolve...

[roberto516]

The short answer is yes you are the problem.  I may get smacked around here for this but think about your story.  Read the others.  Read mine.  Solid relationships are not founded upon the foundations we put down.  There is empathy here. 

But i've yet to see a relationship issue in my past where I didn't influence the direction I/we were headed.  If you date someone married, expect the worst.  If you're married, expect the worst.  if you accept a key to the apartment in less than a month (me) expect the worst. 

I'm also shocked at the number of stories where a couple moves in together after like, two months.  I think we all have some issues to resolve...

I would say we were all willing partners in unhealthy relationships. To call someone "the problem" can be taken as something very negative. Every human who enters a relationship still has issues that need to be resolved. But it takes two partners who are willing to work through those speed bumps once the natural high of the honeymoon phase wears off. I believe that many people here actively tried to work it out. Take a peek at the other forums where people are still in relationships or conflicted. Many of those people have done their research and are actively trying to make changes for the betterment of their relationship.

So I would agree that you have a point. It takes two to tango. But I wouldn't state that someone here looking for guidance and direction is "the problem". Although I think I know what you mean.

[Outoftheshadows]

Were you the problem? No, certainly not. You enforced boundaries and once such boundaries are enforced the end, in my experience, is imminent. From what I gather from your post she left you for someone else just like she left her previous partner for you. What is the common denominator in there situations? Both her unpredictability and branch swinging nature. Trust me when I say this, there is nothing you could have some that could have prevented this situation and, given time, the new supply will gave the same fate, of that I am also certain. My therapist, an expert in these disorders, assured me that the chances of my ex changing were slim. You see, I found out a lot about her once I was discarded and the eternal victim was anything but. She had cheated on all partners, all of whom no doubt tried like I did to maintain the relationship. Also, in regards to her being happy, no doubt her previous partner said this about the two of you. It's an allusion, a magic trick so to speak.

[Belizabeth]

Thanks for this post outoftheshadows. I was the one to leave her she didn't leave me but sometimes I wonder if that would've been our fate anyway. She's left all of her past partners except for me sometimes I wonder if I just beat her to it? I guess that's why I wonder if I'm the problem because had I not left her would we still be together? Was it actually me? But the fact that she was engaged 2 weeks later shows me something. I'm just not sure how people move On so fast. I can't even find someone I'm interested in, in 2 weeks let alone be engaged and moved in after just moving out of my exes house. It's all just bizarre behavior but I just couldn't handle it anymore.

[Belizabeth]

I just felt like she was really inlove with this idea of marriage she threw it around like nothing. She had engagement rings with the last 3 people she dated and has lived with 4 different exes in 2 and a half years to me that didn't seem normal even when I broke up with her she cried and cried and begged for me back and once I said no she had a new partner in no time!

[lovenature]

Trust your intuition, the cycle ALWAYS repeats. It is normal to have the feeling of maybe it was you, the sad truth is that the more you love them unconditionally, the more they hurt you and push you away. Push back and once the relationship gets too rocky their fear of abandonment causes them to leave or force you too. Things appear great during idealization and it is the (same for all attachments), once devaluation starts it goes bad real fast (same for all attachments).
They move on so quickly because they make up their own reality based on their current emotion of the moment.

[Belizabeth]

So I wrote this post about a week ago because I was really struggling. I recently found out my ex is no longer engaged or with this man after 6 months... .I guess I got the answers I was looking for. And as some have said yes we are partially at fault it takes 2 to tango which I am still in the process of healing. I think my question was more in the realm of just wondering if I had not left HER if she woulvdnleft me eventually (if this is just a pattern). I'm seeing now that this "love of her life" is nowhere to be found. I just see one big revolving door since I've known her. I kept wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt but she proves me wrong in my assumptions every single time. I guess this really is just how people like her generally are... .it's mind boggling.