he is so aggressive at the moment.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

hi

i have been in a relationship with the father of my two daughters for more than20 yrs, it is a relationship that has its up and downs, right now, it is very complicated, as my partner is going to have weight reduction surgery soon and he is getting more and more nervous about it and it is taking a toll on me, and more importantly, on the kids.

lately, he has been so aggressive, so impulsive, controlling, it is unbearable.

i don t want to leave the kids with him anymore.
kids btw r 10 and 13.

he respects no boudaries, he swears at the kids, he is never physically aggressive towards ppl, but e throws stuff and gets very intimitating, i am often really scared of him. he does not take that seriously at all.

i pretty much beg him to stop treating our kids as if they were adults, but i cant get trhu to him.

i wish i could make it stop, it breaks my heart to see my kids getting emotionally abused by their dad, they know that he has issues, but they cannot unhear what he says or just get away from his anger.

our elder daughter just wishes she could spend the summer vacation just by herself, which of course is impossible.

i wish he would just leave us alone for a few weeks until his procedure is over.
but then i think, he probably wont get it done anyway coz it is already stressing him out to hell and back.

i feel very lonely, there is no-one to talk to about my sorrows.

cheers
francis

[francisunderwood]

hi

i have been in a relationship with the father of my two daughters for more than20 yrs, it is a relationship that has its up and downs, right now, it is very complicated, as my partner is going to have weight reduction surgery soon and he is getting more and more nervous about it and it is taking a toll on me, and more importantly, on the kids.

lately, he has been so aggressive, so impulsive, controlling, it is unbearable.

i don t want to leave the kids with him anymore.
kids btw r 10 and 13.

he respects no boudaries, he swears at the kids, he is never physically aggressive towards ppl, but e throws stuff and gets very intimitating, i am often really scared of him. he does not take that seriously at all.

i pretty much beg him to stop treating our kids as if they were adults, but i cant get trhu to him.

i wish i could make it stop, it breaks my heart to see my kids getting emotionally abused by their dad, they know that he has issues, but they cannot unhear what he says or just get away from his anger.

our elder daughter just wishes she could spend the summer vacation just by herself, which of course is impossible.

i wish he would just leave us alone for a few weeks until his procedure is over.
but then i think, he probably wont get it done anyway coz it is already stressing him out to hell and back.

i feel very lonely, there is no-one to talk to about my sorrows.

cheers
francis

[Panda39]

Hi francisunderwood,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm so sorry your partners anxiety is at such a high level that it's causing him to act out towards you and your kids, that's definitely not a fun place to be.   

I wanted to suggest a tool that might help both your partner and your kids and that's validation. 

Validate your partner's feelings (not his negative actions or invalid statements) you might try using what we call SET (Support Empathy Truth)... .something like... .

I really want to help you get through this surgery, and I know its scary surgery would make anyone nervous but it's really important that you have this done for your health/blood pressure/diabetes/whatever the reason.  The kids and I care about you and support you.

You can also ask questions... .what is it that you are most concerned about?  How do you think we could lower your anxiety level? and validate his feelings when he answers.  Imagine that you are talking to a 7 year old going in to have their tonsils out not an adult that might help too.

In terms of the kids listen to them validate what they are feeling and ask them questions... .I'm so sorry dad yelled at you why do you think he did that? Do you thinks he's worried about his surgery?

Below are some links that will take you to more information on Validation & SET.  Hopefully trying some of these techniques will help lower your partners anxiety level so helping the rest of you.

Validation

Is listening with empathy to another's point of view, their feelings or their experience. It involves giving your full attention, and listening to both the feelings and the needs being expressed, and trying to understand by putting yourself in another's shoes.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating


SET

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

I'm really glad you decided to jump in a post, I know other members will be along soon with more ideas.

Take Care 
Panda39

[francisunderwood]

hi thanks for your kind reply.

maybe i can bring myself to talk to him this way, i know this technique, it is called active listening in some child rearing books.

right now i seriously do not want to help him get thru surgery, he has always gotten angry with me when i tried to help him with his weight, i feel like if i get involved at all (i did help him get set up for the process of applying for the surgery), he will find a way to not do it and blame it on me (as in: "you are forcing me to do this".

regarding kids - older one does not want to be asked any questions regarding her feelings towards her dad, she just wants a normal family right now is just is really upset coz she has to deal with the drama the whole time. i so understand her. younger one i am still able to talk to, but i do feel - in the end, what is all the talking good for, if nothing ever changes?

i feel just so disgusted by his behavior towards the kids, i know, he acts and partly thinks like a 7 year old -- but the kids cannot deal with an adult that behaves like a manbaby. it is nothing but hurtful to them.

i wish he would just leave us alone.