drunken rage/the truth

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

in a highly drunken rage my ex undiagnosed gf said 'I've worked it out, this is all to do with my dad' (her dad left when she was small, she hardly knew him).

on several occasions i noticed she would get to the bottom of her disorder/behaviour when very drunk and in a rage. she even mentioned she has bps traits. anyone else find the truth out when their partner was drunk?

[jambley]

in a highly drunken rage my ex undiagnosed gf said 'I've worked it out, this is all to do with my dad' (her dad left when she was small, she hardly knew him).

on several occasions i noticed she would get to the bottom of her disorder/behaviour when very drunk and in a rage. she even mentioned she has bps traits. anyone else find the truth out when their partner was drunk?

[roberto516]

I sometimes got moments of clarity from her. Not under any influence though. She mentioned at one time or another things like, "I'm not good in relationships." "If my relationships keep failing it has to have something to do with me." "Maybe I don't know how to love." "I realized I'm (some character from a tv show who apparently uses people) and I don't like that about myself."

Things like that. But she wouldn't actively try to change those things. She would merely state them and I guess expect the world to work itself out.

I know where my ex's trouble stems from. It doesn't take a scientist to see the way her mother will put her down sometimes or yell at her; a grown woman being yelled at by her mother. My ex probably walked on eggshells as a child. Her parents show her no affection. They just buy her stuff and bail her out financially. But no love whatsoever. I told her these thoughts in one of my anger moments at the end of the relationship. Her response to that? "I don't have time for your theories". Which pains me.

I had to finally confront the resentment I had at my parents and why I raged at her, and how that should have been directed at myself and my parents. It was a bitter pill to swallow. I don't think she will ever realize that her family is anything but perfect. It's what she always wanted in life. A stable, loving family. So she will hold onto that belief until the day she dies; that her parents are perfect and they have nothing to do with how she developed.

If her therapist is good she might help her see that. But they've been together for a decade and no insight into it whatsoever. I think it's why she quit couples therapy. The last session we did was our genograms and he hit it on the head that her family was chaotic with no structure and she was desperately searching to "belong" to it... .her identity basically. Subconsciously maybe she didn't want to go there or felt anger that he dare challenge her family worldview. I dunno... .it's all speculation now.

I guess the big question now is, have you had your moments of clarity which have helped you understand why you got into the relationship and why you might have stayed in it? It was very difficult for me. Very scary even. I never had the experience where I knew what it was but just didn't want to go there. And then I finally went there and it has been a huge relief for me to confront those things.

[jambley]

hi Roberto.

yes I have had moments of clarity. we met in a pub, she lost her coat and i offered to help her look for it. she actually swore at me the first time we met, red flag i know. she invited me to a house party that evening and that's when things started. I met her the same week of my father's funeral, she helped me quite a lot.

the moments of clarity were probably that i felt a strong bond to how she helped me, her traumatic life (ex husband left her with a big mortgage and three kids), so many red flags but I knew nothing about BPD. and oh god, the amount she drank was just unholy. my friends said I dodged a bullet
... they were right.

[jambley]

I remember her telling me once 'all my relationships have failed.' Quite sad really from someone who has had so many bfs and has an std.

[roberto516]

I remember her telling me once 'all my relationships have failed.' Quite sad really from someone who has had so many bfs and has an std.

It really is. They want love so bad and push away those who might really love them. But on the flipside, I could say the same about me. All I really wanted was a loving relationship but I continued to pick people who weren't capable of it and those who might have been I called it off after a month or so out of fear.

[jambley]

Well, I have tried dating too since the split and i am highly aware of so many red flags, trust, anything out of the ordinary. It can make you question certain people and that is healthy. I won't get used again

[Tattoobunny]

Hi.
My first experience of (the truth) coming out , was about 8 month into our relationship. After a wouderful night out we started talking about his family, he just flipped had me by my neck punching the wall by my face screaming why was I never their for him when his dad abused him, why didn't I visit him in prison, why didn't I love him ,how could I love his brothers and sisters and be their for them and not me he even called me mum .
I kept telling him I'm not your mum I'm not your mum. He eventually let go and later apologised.
But I have in my own experience noticed if he did have a moment of clarity whenn sober, would later feel exposed and frightened and go into attack mode.

[lovenature]

If they feel good enough about themselves (inhibited enough to avoid their core shame), you can get what actually happened, very fleeting though as their reality all depends on their emotion of the moment.

[bus boy]

My Xw wasn't a drinker, only saw her half cut a few times and she had a f*****g Queer Streak in her for sure. I quess anyone can have a streak in them when the drink, I've seen enough drinking in my life to know the difference between someone drinking and venting because of a bad day and someone who is just a dirty prick when drinking and Xw was the latter.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jambley,

My ex didn't drink a drop when we were together.  He has a FEAR of alcohol, as he said if he drank AT ALL it immediately led him to go buy coke and after that there was no going back.  Maybe there was also the fear of what truths would come out as well, although he was open with me about some awful stuff from his childhood. 

He did however smoke weed in the evenings.  When he was stoned he'd be more inclined to reflect on his behaviour towards me and make promises about getting treatment, his desires for our future etc... .Promises that were never kept of course.  Whenever he'd run out of weed and/or cigs then the rages were far far worse.  BPD and substances do not mix well at all IMO.

Love and light x