Rhomer
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32
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« on: June 18, 2017, 04:18:16 PM » |
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Hey everyone, it's been awhile. I'm apologizing in advance as I've just started this post and I already know it's going to be long.
Around January this year I had made multiple posts about my exdBPDgf who had broken up with me after deciding she was polyamorous and couldn't continue in a relationship that wasn't open. At this time I believe I was split on for the first time in our 4 year long relationship, which was ironic given that around this time she believed she was different form her original BPD diagnosis and that she was "someone with borderline qualities" after her therapist told her so. After doing my own research here I am fairly confident she still falls within the guidelines of a full BPD diagnosis.
It did not take long for her to realize that she had majorly screwed up, and was apologizing to me constantly for what had happened. She desperately did not want me to leave, but was routinely stuck in a middle ground of not wanting to be selfish/manipulative while wanting me to stick around in some way. This was difficult for me as well, as I didn't want to see her completely disappear from my life either. There were two occasions in which I claimed we were seeing eachother for the last time, both times after 3 weeks she contacted me in some way, often scared. We would remain in contact for a period of time after, usually as a result of drawn out communication or in one case in which I allowed it for a few weeks. In that time I learned that while she was previously a hard working student at college, she has become complacent working a minimum wage job and has started drinking much more then she ever had when we were together. She has told me that drugs have become a problem too, going so far as trying cocaine. Multiple times I was told that she was afraid of the people she was now seeing, but it did not take long for me to tell her I didn't want to hear those details about her life.
Within the last month I saw her a couple times and we ended up having sex. While part of me realizes that was probably a bad idea, part of the basis for the break up she believed we weren't sexually compatible to which I greatly disagreed. While the first time was the classic break up sex scenario in which it was "the best sex we ever had" and we were acting briefly like an excited new couple, the second time I realized that being there and seeing her was all too similar to when we were together. This came with a big reality shock, that we weren't together, that everything had changed. And so I told her for the 3rd time I needed to stop this, for both of our sakes. It has become clear to me that neither of us were willing to move on from each other, but I needed to be the one to make the hard decision. I offered a last time once again, as I didn't want our time knowing eachother to end so unannounced. To this day I still don't want her to look back on the relationship as a mistake, for her to continue believing like she now does that she ruined me and that we never should have been together.
While coming to the last day, we had an emotional phone call in which I asked her what she wanted. I remember her clearly saying while crying she wanted to "go home to your parent's home in (my hometown), have family dinner with your family, be there when you come home from work". So I asked her the basic question I had been wondering this whole time, "What the hell is stopping you?" Things got muddled in the response as both of us were very emotional, but her response was that it was the same problem as the break up, she still felt that she needed to be in an open relationship. Realizing that this was still the case, I quickly started closing up the conversation as gently as possible, as I realized the current situation.
Upon our last time seeing eachother she asked again about this conversation. I couldn't tell why she was being so aggressive in trying to figure out why I had asked the reason she hasn't come back. Over the course of that night amongst a lot of emotion and tears she eventually told me why she was asking so much about this. She truly had started to believe that I was becoming willing for an open relationship given how quickly and gently I moved off the topic over the phone, and as she realized that I was staying resolute, it all made sense how I observed her crumble overtime that night. But the last time it had to be, and I told her that while I still wanted to try again, I couldn't do an open relationship. We had sex one last time, said our last I love yous, and I left.
So that was that. I told her I wasn't going to block her but that she needed to be responsible this time with that privilege. And here I am, a few days out. While I've felt a lot of improvement in many ways over the months, the break up feels a lot more fresh now. I still feel that I am handling it much better then before, but once again that emptiness of being dumped out into the world without her has been hitting me hard. I guess by now I should explain why I am posting here rather then the Detatching board, and if I'm to be honest its because I don't believe this will be the last I hear from her. I don't know if it is just blind hope or an accurate prediction but a good part of me believes that she will come back soon. She was already struggling hard with her current lifestyle and it's obvious she hasn't let go of me either. I came to a compromise with my therapist that the best thing you can do for a person with Borderline clinically is to "set boundaries", and the boundary I told her I would set is that she should not contact me unless she is serious about trying again. I'm worried I'll be complacent and wait for her forever. I'm worried I'll contact her back soon and remain in that limbo we were both in. I'm also worried about a new relationship, whether I will feel as passionate or that I might hurt someone new if I saw my exBPD trying to come back again. Part of me wishes this was as clear cut as a full discard (but I know that would likely be worse). It honestly feels like the only thing separating us is this open relationship stuff which she only started becoming interested in the last year after we were together for 3 years of her being very monogamous. Any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated
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